Xmas party

I forgot how tiring it is to be in a social gathering.
So many people popped up my mind.
I was surprised tho when you came and talk to me about your camera.
And when you said that I know that your face will become red after you drink.
When I woke up today, I read back on some of our conversations last year, and realised that you were really there for me throughout the shitty periods.
And I can't say how grateful I am to you to have kept me company then.
I guess things are different now, we're in different places now but I hope that you remember our friendship.
I remembered us quarreling and in the end you told me that you're on the same page as me when I said "no matter what happened, I still want to be your friend."
That was probably the sentence that always pops out when I think about you, to think that maybe our friendship can still be salvaged.
Maybe it really is possible.
But I don't know.
But thanks nevertheless for talking to me last night.
Even if it is just small talks.

On the other hand, things have been pretty messy in the team.
Like what Daryl said, people who don't know won't think that it is messy.
I guess that's right too.
But damn, tomorrow is new year eve and I want to jio the team out to countdown together.
But I feel like I've lost the ability to do so.
It's as if the team has been separated.
It's too much to just even think about it.
I really hoped everyone enjoyed themselves last night, and the team has been bonded in some ways.
When the guys train at fitbloc next year, I really am scared that things are going to be worse.

So what do you want me to say when you ask me "How's captaincy?"

And right as I'm typing this my father has been going non stop about my career path.
Fuck this shit man.
It's fucking annoying how he keeps downplaying my hardwork.
I hate this shit man.
I hate how he never ever supported me in this.
Or rather how none of my family members ever supported me in this journey.
How do I call this my home when I don't feel safe at all.
And when I always run away from home, they get angry.
Then wtf do yall want me to do.
I'm fucking stuck in a push and pull situation.
I don't think I can call this my home when none of them ever fucking support me.
Be it in climbing or my career.
My brothers laugh at me all the time for making filming / photography my career and always try to explain to me about this society.
I don't want to know about the society that all of you are perceiving as.
I always feel more superior in my thoughts at home, not because I have the best education background, but because I always think too much about life.
Sigh.
Trying to organise my thoughts properly ever since I woke up.

Just really ranting here because there's so much on my mind.

I think I'm done.

One more year has passed but nothing much has changed at home too.
I just want to work so hard to prove my family wrong.
Money was never the most important thing to me, yes.
But because of my bitchy attitude about home, I'm not living up to my own expectation either.
Stop it brain.

Fuck.

I don't like my mind right now

Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary.

You are nice though.
I feel safe with you around.

3 more days to 2019.

What else more can happen?

Thoughts

Resounding

"You always only take care of other people, can you take care of yourself? "
If there's anything I need to remember from last night.
Thank you.

Floating

Watching.
Blank.
White.

Painful hunger.

I don't have to write anymore.


I should sleep.

I mean "I".

I sense you

Depersonalization.

I know it's you messing with my head right now.

But it feels too fucking familiar.

As the finger type, but I'm not there.

Watching myself from behind.

It isn't me in this body.

Don't let these words lie.

It's cold isn't it?

Why is it happening right now?

It's been awhile yea?

The rubik's cube is shrinking.

I'm shivering ain't I?
But is it me who is shivering.

I can't explain any of this that is happening right now.

I'm letting these fingers land on the keys.

I should catch some rest.

Merry Christmas.

World.

2018

I wonder if it's too early for this.

But I think I wouldn't have a proper time to sit down like this the next few days to write properly.

It's been a pretty interesting year.

So much has happened this year but I'd say it's generally better than 2017.

2017 was a year of pain and growing.

I think I've grew so damn a lot in 2017.

Especially dissociating rationality and emotions.

And 2018, I'm sure I've been a lot better dealing it.

But dealing with rationality, I feel like I've been a rather selfish person.

I know that there are people that I've lost and it's cause of me.

The 2017 me wouldn't let that happen.

The 2017 me would hold everything so dearly to me, even in the expense of my own mental health.

Good and bad I guess.

I've learnt to turn numb to a lot of people's emotions.

I've learnt to take care of myself.

Because I know that a small head of mind wouldn't be able to analyze every single emotion / action that I've brushed through in my experience.

So 2018, where do I start?

Let's categorise my thoughts so that it's easier for my head to compartmentalise and write more relevantly.

First off - friends.

Friends come and go.

I've learnt it the hard way.

And I don't blame myself or my friend for the friendships that I've lost.

I know that it's just part and parcel.

I remember Jon telling me before, those friends who care, will come back to you.

No matter how long we haven't talk, if the mutual emotional support is deemed as important, we'll somehow find our way back to each other.

There's no need for 'commitment'.

A very simple text but I remember it very clearly.

Because I remember that night, I was sitting below my house, going crazy because my Uncle passed away.

And I remembered hearing my Dad sobbed.

Something I would never expect as he always seemed like the emotionally strongest in the family to me.

I didn't even dare to go back home even though my family needed me.

But oh well.

Look how easily my mind digress hahaha.

Let's go back to friends.

I've lost a few friends.

Some was easier to let go, but some, it takes time but eventually, I still did.

I made new friends too.

Some are pretty important to me.

They keep my everyday life sane.

Prevents me from going haywire since these new friends are mentally stable people.

I think these mentally stable people are important to me, to keep me in check.

To make sure that I don't straggle from life.

I think friends are still the first priority in my life.

So thanks to each and everyone of you who cared for me while I am down.

To all those who saw me cry this year, thanks for being there.

And thanks to all my constants, you know who you are hahaha, I don't even need to mention you guys.

Family

I've been a really unfilial son.

That's the first thought in my mind.

Just remembered why I cried so fucking hard on the last day in Hampi 2017.

Because I suddenly thought of my parents.

And the amount of things I've done for the family.

I've did nothing basically.

The only thing I gave to my family is stress and worry.

Not just that, I made them angry for every drunk nights.

I felt like I've been giving less to my family as compared to last year.

I'm always out till at least 12, treating the house like a hotel like what y'all always said.

I can't control my anger whenever y'all talk bad about me.

I remember so clearly that day when I woke up after a drunk night, my mum and dad was quarrelling in dialect about me.

As if I wasn't awake, and as if I couldn't understand dialect.

It hurts me so much that they are blaming each other because of me.

They were shouting at each other.

I was so angry at myself.

When I woke up, I stomped right through the living room, took my shirt, bathe and left the house.

And I shouted at them.

I always shout at them.

I'm a fucked up son.

Suddenly thinking about the conversation with Jason while we were smoking behind the USC wall.

We were talking about our families.

That was a great night man.

And I liked how things became better for both of us after that night.

I got asked to edit NCSC's video and he got accepted for exchange.

Yeah.

So my brother got married this year too.

I'm glad he's settled in well in his new house.

And always really glad whenever he comes home.

Because he's the one that always keep the conversations going at home.

I'm more similar to my eldest brother because we always just do our own things while at home.

So I'm really glad that my second brother always keeps the family together.

Always making everyone laugh, making everyone stop doing what they're doing and talk together.

The day of the TeamNUS climbing trials, my brother told me that my sis in law miscarried.

My niece / nephew.

I was so excited to be an uncle.

And I'm sure my parents were so excited to become grandparents.

It was a really really bad day.

I had to wipe my tears away while I was in the smoking corner.

Took a deep breath and walk out to hold trials.

I didn't know how I did it.

It was so painful.

I'm glad that my family has moved on from then.

But thinking back it was really so dark.

But yeah, to summarise, I was always not present at home.

And I know that I hated myself for that.

I hated myself more for the fact that I hardly try.

I hardly try to spend more time at home.

I don't know how to.

Sigh.

Climbing

Ever since 2017, climbing has been so fucking important to me.

It has gotten so deeply attached to me that I would think that climbing is an accurate depiction of who I am and how I am as a person.

I remembered the period after BA, I was the captain yet I'm climbing so shit.

I had no confidence to lead the team.

I was last in mock comp.

For 2 mock comps to be exact.

I can't catch up with the team.

I'm climbing terribly.

I was so damn low.

The amount of motivation I had in me was almost zero.

But I knew I couldn't settle for that.

Ever since I took up the role as this AY's captain, I had to be a role model.

It's actually really tough some times to be a role model.

Especially when I'm in a very low period.

I didn't want to affect the team's morale cause of me.

There were so many times I had to brush off all the things happening in my mind just to appear strong.

To appear motivated so that the team can move in the right direction.

Bad days were probably the hardest to get by.

To be honest, there were times where I can't wait for training to end.

I realised captaincy wasn't as easy as I thought it was.

Given the fact that I feel so much for people too.

I can feel every single person's thoughts.

And that wasn't easy for me.

I wonder how the team thinks about me as a captain.

Am I present enough, does the team regret voting for me as the captain, am I worthy of this position?

It's easy for people who aren't so emotional to think bad about people who are more emotional.

"Get your shit together, take care of your own emotions, don't let your personal thoughts affect things"

So sometimes I feel like I am trying too hard to hide emotions.

So that people could respect me as a captain.

But man, sometimes it's really tiring.

Nevertheless, it's been a good sem being the captain.

I would think that the team has grown closer.

That's all I wanted right?
When I stood up.

I want this to go on for the next sem.

I want my juniors to enjoy what I have enjoyed when I was in the team.

A team that I can call my family.

Captaincy aside, I climbed so hard for CDO's national.

Jon asked me on one of the days at Macs after training.

"What's your goal for CDO"

Honestly I didn't think of it yet and so I answered him, top 20%.

He told me that his goal was to podium.

At that point in time, I was so motivated by his confidence.

And that was when I decided to properly train for CDO.

So I climbed everyday.

I climbed through my finals week.

I forgo my academics thoroughly.

I injured my left shoulder really bad and my A2 pulley.

But I climbed it through.

I climbed every fucking day despite the pain on my shoulder and fingers.

I climbed every day despite having finals the next day and when I'm not prepared at all for my paper.

At the end of it all, I felt that it was worth it.

I cried on the day I injured my shoulders because I thought that it was all over.

My distraction for everything in my life was gone.

But I'm glad I pushed through the pain.

And at the end of it, I emerged 2nd in CDO's national.

It was really a memorable moment for me.

It's still so surreal when I think about it.

Finally I could bring a trophy home to Singapore, back home.

But honestly my parents didn't really care much hahaha.

Or rather they didn't say much but I really hope they are proud of me (even though they really never show any signs of being proud of me ha ha ha)

But yeah, I've learnt yet again the strength of the mental.

Just like in Transend 2017.

I was a winner.

I won the fight in my head once again.

And I'm sure it'll happen one day again.

Just keep climbing.

That was what Chris Sharma said in legends only.

Just keep climbing.

School

Erm, I've got nothing much to say about academic.

HAHAHA.

Just got a nicknamed that I'm a pseudo NUS student.

So that pretty much sums up everything.

FYP is pretty scary though cause I did nothing hehehe.

But aiya fk last sem.

Film / Photography / Ducklight

It still scares me very much.

It's my last sem in NUS and I have decided to pursue this.

The day when I decided was when I bought my A7iii.

Like what Chin Yue said, I would know at the end of the day whether it will work or not.

He said that if I gave it everything, in 2-6 months I'll able to know whether it's a career for me.

And if not, I can do other things.

But then again, I don't think I can do other things hahaha.

So let's see what happens next year man.

Literally the next phase of life, I'm very excited and very worried as well.

I don't have much to write about this because I wrote it all in my close friends insta story.

I mean the people who read this are mostly in my close friend list I guess hahaha.

But yeah, very very excited for school to end.

I feel like I can finally plan out my life properly.

And like walk my own path.

Finally straying away from 'social norms'

Let's see where this will bring me to.

:)

I realised I've been a lot more organised with my thoughts.

Even though it's still messy sometimes, it's been a lot better.

Look at how I'm writing my thoughts down in categories.

Instead of different names of friends in the previous years.

Hahahaha.

8 more days to the end of this year.

Let's finish this storybook perfectly.

:)

Last team trip

I don't know why but this time round I'm lazy to write out all the feelings I have for this team trip.
I shall let my mind internalize everything while I look through all the videos I've taken throughout the trip.
I think it should be good enough.
To summarise, it was a nice trip.
A very good getaway.
But a thought provoking one.

Coping mechanisms

This post has been really delayed cause of finals.
I wanted to rant about how bad this climbing everyday thing is.
Like how I am so fucking stubborn when it comes to coping with injuries.
I know honestly, it was really an excuse for me to not study.
And I really just wanna pass time.
Okay but training for Philippines national was real too.
13 days in a row, broke the streak cause I realised I had alot to study for today's paper if not I'm gonna get screwed.
And at the end of it, it was pretty worth I guess cause I managed to do the first question properly. No smoking.
And yup spent the whole day after paper nuaing at meeting room.
Smoke Tetris macs with Claire then Tetris again do one tutorial question then aiya just damn toxic day.
Then once come back from dinner, climb.
Really no studying at all.
So at the back of my head when I was stressing so much about my finals, I realised I have a really bad coping mechanism.
When stress builds up, I like to avoid it.
And honestly, I can't reiterate the point about how accurate my climbing mind is with my everyday mind.
It just brings out my inner emotions onto the wall.
Yesterday went to Jason house for some xdm.
Felt the muscle relax really well.
And today on the school wall, after a good 1 day break, the climbing was so good.
I felt stronger than before I injured both my knee and shoulders (minus the moves that will cause it to hurt)
So I'm really really happy that the 13 days has helped me.
It has changed my body to a climbing body.
I was just experimenting with myself.
Like how the body evolves into a climber if I just keep doing the same things over and over again.
Telling the body the exact things I'm going through.
And my body is amazing, it reacts in a way that makes me flow as if I've done all of this move a million times.
I'm ready for Philippines nationals.
Let's do this man.
2 more climbing days and I shall rest well.
Very very excited for end of finals :)
Because baguio!!!!!
Really hope the team bonds after this team trip.
Last team trip best team trip.

Time

Have got plenty of bus time to blog and think about stuffs.
Wanted to write a post yesterday when I reached home but was so tired.
So what's been up?
I've been climbing for 9 consecutive days and I pulled my left shoulder on the 4th day.
So it feels unstable and really painful when I do gaston and stuffs.
I realised these consecutive days of climbing made me feel alot because honestly, I still care about my papers even though we can say that I'm not going to pursue anything to do with physics.
So when the shoulder was injured, everything felt damn off.
I can't study properly, I can't climb properly.
So it's just damn frustrating cause I'm kinda sacrificing my studies to distract myself from the studies by climbing but the past few days of climbing has just been pure shit cause of the shoulder.
So felt even worse about it cause it's as if I wasted my sacrifice.
Plus the fact that I can't distract myself from finals enough.
But anyway, yesterday I finally did a blue.
When the past few days I've just been scrubbing it out on greens.
So it meant alot for me and I was super happy.
Suddenly all the dark clouds seem to have lifted when I send the blue route.
And the thought in my mind was kinda like 'okay it's still quite worth it in the end.'
If I keep this up all the way to 5th December, then I'll be climbing for 17 days in a row.
Still really excited for Philippines nationals so I really really hope that the recovery could be an upward slope now.
No more injuries please body.
I'll be sure to connect you with my mind properly before I start climbing everyday.
I'm starting to learn more about the connection between the body and mind.
Especially when I warm up and stretch.
It feels so good to feel every single ache / pain in the body when I stretch.
It kinda goes like this :

Scene

For memory sake.
Spent 2 hours tripping the fuck out here.

Wah the fak

Why did I walk down this memory lane?
Went to look at photos of Qing Dao and Khon Kaen.
Feeling extremely a lot for the team now.
I feel like I'm not doing well enough to revert the team to whatever it was back then.
Everyone was so... pure and genuine.
The warmth I felt from the team when every single person came and visit me after I broke my leg.
All the texts that came in.
Even people who I don't talk to at that point in time like Kim, Mochi texted me to ask me to stay strong.
Fern came with Tiong.
Andy came with Khai and zw.
My batch mates..
Yy who always came and kept me accompany.
Gwen.
Dayna and George.
Ferran..
I don't feel any toxicity from the team in the past.
Even if there was, I'm sure the excos / seniors were doing a really good job.
It's just so different now.
I don't fucking know why I'm feeling so much now.
I'm literally in tears thinking about how different things are right now.
As if I can't ctrl+z this shit.
I can only hope that the juniors are feeling how we all felt when we were juniors.
And that the team will get better from here on.
I'll do my very best for this team.
I will.
It's my last team trip.
I hope all things go well.

People

Not the best morning head.

Or rather it's an afternoon head.

So much in my head.

My parents, my brothers, my friends, climbing, filming, basically just life.

I mean, it's always the same few things that keep popping up in my head ain't it.

I'm kinda tired.

On a brighter side, the shoulder isn't as bad as I thought it was.

Today will be the 7th consecutive day of climbing.

The body is getting used to it even though every morning ache really bad.

Hmmm.

I don't really know what's the few things that's bothering my mind.

Actually maybe I know.

I need a break man.

I want to take a step back from this life and just look at how I'm doing.

Right now just thinking about how I'm always writing thoughts down.

It's as if there isn't a break from my own head.

Urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Fuck this feeling it's damn annoying.

I don't even know what I'm writing about anymore.

Really just ranting shit here.

I guess it all started when I woke up and was looking at another video creator's insta.

And I must say I can feel the passion from the person.

Like straight up passionate about filming and stuffs.

And I realised there's so much more for me to learn.

Coloring, visual effects, designing.

And then I'm thinking to myself, so what is it about filming that will keep me passionate?

Will it be something that I just throw away after a few years?
And then I tried to think of ways to justify my future path.

About why I really want to get into this industry.

I had a line that popped up in my head.

I want people to view the world from my lens.

It's a pretty simple line but I think that's what all filmmakers have in mind.

But I have so much doubts about myself.

Like can I really make a breakthrough in this industry to earn enough?

I know I shouldn't be thinking about the money.

It should be the passion that's driving me.

But heck, my dad's turning 60 next year and honestly my parents are getting old.

They've given me so much but what have I give them in return except for worries and pain.

It's like I've been a kid in their eyes for 24 years.

And sometimes I really want to prove them wrong.

I feel like I know how the society works better than them now.

I mean after being through uni and taking up some events.

People are scary indeed.

But I know there are genuine people out there who are going to support me through this journey.

But will this support ever be enough?

My heart beats so fast whenever I think about letting go of my degree and going full on to something that is so unpredictable.

Marcus Yeo asked me the other day at singpost.

He was talking to Kim and Josh Ko.

Both of them have a stable job secured and then he asked me.

"So you're in your final year too? So I'm guessing you're spam sending resume to a lot of companies?"

And I was like "Erm. I'm going to be a photographer / videographer."

Honestly, even though he said that he was impressed by my bravery, I am myself so damn scared about how this is going to run.

I'm 24 now not too young but not too old too.

It's really really scary.

I've read online about the average salary of a cinematographer, all ranging from 2-4k a month.

Would this be sufficient for my life?

As of now I would say yes.

But thinking about starting a family in the future scares me so much.

Will my partner be able to understand this passion of mine?

Or understand that I'm not someone who chases money.

But who would want an unstable partner to live together for life.

I don't know man.

There's so much going through my head

I thought I had nothing to write but once the hands are on the keyboards, thoughts are just spilling out through my fingers.

It's scary.

It really is.

Half a year more to graduating.

Where do I even start?

I need a good plan.

A good plan that balances work and life.

Am I really passionate about film making / videography?

Just like what Marcus said, it really isn't a normal path that anyone will take.

Anyway, went to BM together with Rachel, Cherie and Daryl yesterday.

And I was talking to Daryl about how girl's maturity level is 2 years more than guys.

Hahahah.

And I was thinking about how Rachel's maturity level would be the same as mine.

Somehow I feel like when I talk to Rachel, I get the same vibe from her that she isn't really sure about what she's going to do too.

And they were talking about how Cherie has taken like a 1 1/2 years LOA?

It kinda intrigued me.

Because one and a half years is a long time.

I wonder what she has learnt about life / how she has mapped out her life plans before her.

Watched Legends only yesterday too instead of studying.

Fuck the word studying just caused my heart to skip a beat.

Because I know I have so much to study but I'm like climbing everyday.

Giving no shit about my studies.

Which made me think about my career in the future.

I guess now that I'm typing it out I can see how closely related my thoughts are right now.

Lol.

So it kinda goes like climbing but not studying, future career, parents, friends who are working, then just putting myself in the shoes of everyone who has already started work, and telling myself that I definitely hate this kind of life style and then end up questioning myself "then can you do better?"

There's always this doubt in me.

And I hate it.

I hate how contradicting I am some times.

Sometimes I can talk about how I'm so fucking motivated for something.

And then there's this doubt some other time.

Sigh.

But anyway, back to the topic of Legends only.

So was kinda psyched to watch it even though I should be studying.

So I was talking on the CS chat with Gavin and Vincent.

Then there was Megos, Jongwon, Alexey, Jernej, Rei and Sharma.

And I'm just thinking about what Sharma is thinking.

Like me and Vincent keep saying PLZ SHARMA PLZ.

But he topped 0 routes out of the 5.

And thinking that he's 37 years old.

And then suddenly side track thinking about yam (who's 45 now)

I just put myself out there.

Having all the pressure of the audience, looking at him climb.

This climbing legend that we all looked up to in the past.

But he couldn't top any routes.

And I felt so bad for him.

And then the emcee interviewed him.

There were a few sentences that I kept in my mind.

"Just keep climbing man"

"Thanks for inviting me. These guys (the other competitors) are my heroes."

And I felt the fanboy in me when I was 17 acting up again.

I remembered how much I idolised him because he was like the father to the climbing world.

Breaking the limits of sports climbing.

I just suddenly recalled how I felt back when I started climbing.

I really just enjoy the sports so much.

I could go crazy, hands sweating every moment in the day.

Cause I could only think of climbing.

But right now, sometimes I get tired when I think about climbing.

Isn't there something wrong?

I think I've been chasing things that aren't really important to me.

Do I enjoy climbing as much as I do in the past?

I don't know man.

Anyway, I think I've ran out of thoughts to write.

Or rather, I just am tired to write anymore things.

Funny right? How writing is supposed to let me organise my thoughts and make me less tired.

Okay okay, I'm out of this world of words.

Tons

Haven't felt like this in a long while.
That motivation to train hard.
Like really hard.
It's the next day after the shoulder has injured but I can't seem to get my head around it.
This feels like Transend 2017 again.
When climbing seems to be the only thing revolving around my mind.
More than friends, families, school and more importantly my own well being.
This morning hurts so much.
I have tons of things to do but I can't seem to get any motivation to start on anything.
I realised I haven't been using the word hurt for some time.
But this time round it really hurts.
It hurts more than my LCL strain.
Because I just recovered from it and am so ready to train hard.
Looking back on all my climbing videos brought me to tears.
It signifies every single moment in my life.
The pain I've been through, the joy, the celebration.
All these emotions are rushing in just by looking at them / me.

The shoulder is being really weak now.
I tried doing a pull up but I just can't do it without pain / compensating with the other hand.
But like what you said, I need to keep this mental form up.
No point rustling through these pain just to inflict more pain on myself.
Easier said than done but I'll try my best.
I'll train the other parts of the body and hope it'll keep my mind off the pain.
Really really bummed.
It's only 2 more weeks to Philippines nationals.
I know I won't have enough time to recover by then, but I'll try.
I'll try so hard.

I hope.

Sigh

Really fucking tilted by myself.
Why do I not warm up properly before climbing?
Today's climb was really a shitty climb.
Left middle finger A2's pain is increasing.
Just strained my left shoulder / lats really badly.
It's 2 weeks to Philippines national and I must say my body is fucked.
I hate this shit man.
I hate it that when my confidence and climbing is peaking then the body just had to break.
I feel so damn upset.
I really hope it isn't that bad a strain so that I can at least still compete and climb in baguio.
I felt so disorientated right after I realised I can't leave my shoulders without pain.
How many times must this happen before I learn my fucking lesson.
Always pushing my body to the limits and then hurting it.
I need to manage the psyche to train and the body's capability.
This hurts really bad man.
My distraction for studies is going down and the academics gonna start haunting me again.
It really hurts so bad to know that I'm so ready to train hard and boom there goes the chance to.
Please recover..
I really want to do my best in the nationals.
It's my one and only chance to.
Sigh.
Feels fucking bad man.
Zzz

Wolfgang

Heavy inflow of information.
Yet no way of outlet.
It was a great night.
A great night that meant much more than that.
As the lift goes up, take a swallow and pop.
As the lift door opens, a separated dimension unleashed.
The lights shot through the darkness in flickers.
Red, green, blue, an array of colour.
It bounces off every single corner in the space.
Litted face, but they were blurred from the inner cocktails.
As I walked through the lines of light, I felt free.
I haven't felt it for a long time.

Wait a minute, why am I reminded of writing in the rawest form?
Yes, you reminded me of that.
Maybe tonight is going to be a heavy night.
It seems to be like this when the exams are nearing.
What do I see behind these eyes?
It's like a river of burning lava.
People are being thrown into the lava.
Yet all I could do is watch them burn.
And all I could feel is helpless.
It's green now.
Because green represents toxins.
It creeps through the cracks of the wall.
Breaking things apart.
I've built this wall up.
I must say I've done quite a good job building this wall up.
Because words were spoken.
People have told me that things have been different.
And yes I feel that things are slowly changing.
But yet these green liquids.
They break the foundation of all that I'm trying to build up.
Maybe the problem has always been there.
But it is my responsibility to fix it somehow isn't it?
But how do I fix something that is in so deep.
Just looking into the future, I see things crumbling and falling apart.

Oh how I wish people were more observant about feelings.
Everyone has some sort of unexplained pain linked to this wall.
I can tell.
People being left out.
I could tell so much.
Everyone's eyes seem to speak a story.
Yet there isn't one universal solution to fix this crippling toxin.
And I just sit.
Sit and watch it crumble and fall in the lava.
I hate this so much.
I can hear all of you again.
Words are resounding.
Echos are forming again.
Am I not doing a good job.
And you too, you make people feel like it's a sinful act to be emotional.
And that we have only ourselves to blame for being like this.

Just so much has happened yet nothing had happened.
It's like a balloon that's going to pop.
We're just waiting for the pressure to surpass the limit.
And when it does pop, there goes.
We'll have to start with the rumbles.
And I am honestly tired to pick them all up again.

Concern

I'm afraid to be over concerned for a person again.
I've learnt that being too emotionally attached to someone is going to make me lose myself.
Especially when I dive too deep into the world of another person, living through the lens of that person.
It is too much pain.
Please, let things stay the way they are.

2+ more weeks

To Philippines national.
Reminder to self to train even harder.
Keto is ending in 2 days.
I'm at my lowest 65.9 now.
Hope that I won't go past 67.5 after my diet resumes to normal.

Different

Maybe the reason why I ran for captain is very different from what the team thinks they need.
But I must always remember why I ran and why I even stood up in the first place.
Being in the team for almost 4 years, these people are my pillar of support.
Cliche as it sounds about giving back, I'm giving back because my seniors played an important role in my journey in TeamNUS and helping me to know people who some are my closest friends now.
As different as the team may seem now - the obvious segregation, I will still try my best to bond this team.
Whatever the outcome at the end of this 1 year of captaincy, as long as I don't despise my own effort in trying to pull the team together, I'll believe that I did a good job as a captain.
Maybe the team may not seem to be very important to some people, but I'm sure there are people who thinks that the team is irreplaceable.
It's been a pretty good semester as a captain, I hope to give more in the next semester.
I'm always certain that hardwork will pay off.
In every aspect in life.
And that's why I'll continue to try.
Regardless of differing opinions from the majority.

3kg

I've lost 3kg in 6 days from keto diet.
This morning is probably the toughest.
Should have drank more water last night and sleep earlier.
Woke up with the whole body feeling like shit and the mind cannot focus on anything.
So had to make myself some butter kopi this morning and eat some left over macadamia from yesterday.
It's 8 more days before I end this diet.
I'm so excited for rice / try the new macs burger.
Need to hang on.
In the mean time, mala is pretty satisfying.
Hope to reach 66.0 by next Saturday :')

Today I have a 15% paper.
But I have a dateline to meet by tomorrow morning.
The amount of work I put in to school is getting from bad to worse.
LOL.
Idk whether I should be worried.
At least I'm worried about whether I'm worrying for my academics.
1 more sem before life starts.
Very very intimidating but I really want to work very hard to live the life I always wanted since young.
Not in film / photography per se, but just not doing a 8 to 5 job.
Would really love for me to be able to survive in this society after I grad.
But I strongly believe crawling out of setbacks and persevering through will get me somewhere.

Baguio is in 4 weeks time too.
I'm very excited to compete in the Philippines national too.
It's probably the closest I can get to representing Singapore and I would wanna do well in it.
So gotta balance studying and climbing hard during the finals period.
Need to maintain that mindset.
And once the comp is over, I'll wish to give my mind a break from this whole sem and redirect whatever positive energy left for the next sem.

A pretty weird post I must say because my mind is also very tired from keto.
Hahaha damn confused mind.

She knew we did not have a proper closure

She appeared in my dream last night.

I've cried for you again.
It's been almost a year.
11 months.
I wish that you are really happy now.
So happy that nothing bothers you.
I wish I still cross your mind sometimes.

Honestly, that was too heavy of a dream.
You cared and worried about me just like how you did back then.
I knew you did.
And I knew that you were so free back then.
The feeling of limitless, the power of presence.
It was just that one night, but it was the most comfortable night.
We cried our hearts out under the stars.
Nothing bothered us.
We were entangled in that unreal consciousness.
No one would be able to understand that comfort we had with each other.
The pain that came after that.
Knowing that it was only a night of illusion and disguise.
I hugged you so tight that night because I knew all these will disappear when we wake up.
Time passed.
Everyone just had to judge.
I was told to just stop talking to you, it's for my own good.
And so I did.
But deep down I know I worried about how you're handling everything.
Your parents.
I wrote an entry whenever I miss you.
I guess this is that entry again.


Feeling too much now.
I miss you so much that I want to text you right now.

Perfect

I guess perfect in my eyes might not be the same as the clients.
Always.
I am getting tired of this.
Afraid that I'm starting to regret taking on this role again.
Finals and submission weeks coming.
Probably no time to juggle them again.

Anyway been doing keto diet cause I've been influenced by Emonda.
Quite interesting to see how the body recovers very slow but the weight loss is quite amazing.
But have been feeling really tired and craving for my favourite rice.

Been quite a crazy weekend too with the team people at kanpai.
Hahaha it was a fun night.
And I'm glad we kinda bonded a lil.

Vertigo wasn't the best.
But I shouldn't be that disappointed since I didn't mentally prepare well for it too.
So happy for Ken Seah cause I know how much and how hard he trains.
Inspirational but oh well, this keto diet thingy making me very tired during training.

Mind is quite at a loss now and quite panicky after receiving the long chunk of draft 1 edits from the client.
Hope they can compromise something.

And wew I need a better computer. This shit is taking too much time cause of how slow the computer is.

Tired.
Just really tired, mentally and physically.

Love all 9f you

Thanks for the night..

Vertigo

Sigh. Pretty bad performance.
All these dynamic / confidence training for the past 2 weeks just became static and fearful climbing.
Need to remind myself to be more confident during comp.
Really pretty disappointed with my climbs.

It tears me all the time

When I feel the pain behind all those lyrics.
R.I.P
I'm sure you fought hard.

Don't trigger the demon

If you can't handle

Fuck the two of you

Fucking ganging up on me.
Don't you know how fucking hard it is for me to wake up?
And all you can do is just raise your fucking voice when I'm still soundly asleep.
Fuck you all seriously.
And ya it's always wrong when I raise my voice back.
Cause I'm not meant to be listened.
It's always my fault.
I was already fucking awake.
I was just replying messages.
Al got kicked out from the house again and had to live on the streets.
And all I could hear outside my blanket was wake up, I need to do work, late already.
And my Dad shouting in the background to ask me to wake up.
What kind of fucking morning is this.
Fuck you all seriously.
Blasting music in the bathroom and crying.
Cause that's the only safe haven.
After I bathe just pretend that everything is fine.
Maybe the cause of all of these was y’all.
The reason why I thought so much about things since young.
It's tiring man.
I'm already a fucking 24 adult.
Why.. Just fucking why

A plague

The alarm rings and the engine starts.
It plagued the motors and the gears.
Nothing rational could be processed.
I could only see death, death, and death.

As the Sun penetrates the eye lids.
The only thing I see - blood vessel.
"Why am I still alive?"
I could only wonder why, why, and why.

Humans are all similar in the end

Thanks for the night again

Updates about myself

Been thinking about quite a lot of things.
I mean since when I don't.
I have a paper in 2 hours time but I'm deciding to write this down since it's rare I get a peaceful morning.
I want to be honest with how I am now.
And so here it is.

Lots of things have happened for the past month.
None of them is linked to me directly.
I've cried, I've felt the pain, I've empathised with all of your emotions.
But if it's the me in the past, I think I'd have crashed and hide from the world.
But this time things were different.

I find it amazing how the mind creates a habit that has saved me couple of times.
It's like when I know my mind is going to wander into the abyss, it stops.
It stops and the book pops out.
All the words from the book start spilling all over the creases on my brain.
Everything stood still.
It was a moment of presence.
I become self-aware of my thoughts.
Aware of how my mind always wants to bring me back to a torturous place.

I think I am better at listening to people now without having to 'possess' them and take the pain all to myself.
I think I've learnt to separate myself.
Instead of being in everyone's head all the time.
I still do sometimes, but it lasts shorter now.

Career wise, I'm really glad to take Vanessa's video up.
It gave me a portfolio and kinda opened up to more opportunities.
OSA approached me yesterday to ask if I could do the post event production for them.
Honestly, it took me really long to decide not because I was busy.
But I was more afraid that I could not produce up to that payslip.
In the end, I have decided to do it, and I would put in 100% effort to make the video perfect.
So what is perfect to me?

0.01 makes a difference in a video in my eyes.
If the video is off with the music just by a little bit, it isn't perfect.
Colour.
To ensure similar levels throughout the video.
Exposure.
Perfect levels for all clips even if it's just 0.01.
Transitions.
Appropriate and timed perfectly with audio and audio effect.
3rd person POV.
Re watch video through the lens of different target group.

I really want to do this well.
It is indeed another stepping stone for me.
Who knows?
I could impress DBS with this video?
:')

Right, and back to academics.
I've really lost all motivation to study.
Hahahaha.
There's so much more out there but I feel so stuck right now.
Doing the bare minimum I can now to graduate.
Let's just hope I can graduate on time.

Would not say that I'm in a good place now.
But definitely in a better place than before.
I'll continue to be self-aware of my thoughts.
That's probably the most important that I've received from the book.

Time to work hard.

Pop

The sound of the knee popping signifies the pop of the bubble.
I was brought back to the reality of life.
The amount of fucks I give to my studies, to my friends, to my parents.
It all came crushing down.
I was being selfish.
And that's why I climbed well.
I feel well.
This pop let everything that I built up diffuse in.
It hurts.
It's so painful.
When all the faces flash past my head.
I was always drowning.
And that's why it was the bubble.
I was never above the surface.
It was a false reality.
That all was well.

Fuck this.
Maybe all was well.
I should stop here.

Order in chaos

Silence in noise
Self-care in a pool of pain
Bubbles in water
Unharmed till the surface

I don't feel the direct pain

But I am so worried for the three of you.
Wish that things will get better.

The power of now

Honestly, reading this book has helped me in certain situations.
It keeps me sane sometimes.
But it also makes me super insane whenever I lose control of my head.
I think that if I were to consciously apply whatever I read into use, I could be a better human.
There's a lot of queries that were answered by this book.
Skeptical thoughts that popped out in my mind were asked in the questions.
In like a QnA style.
It's rather interesting.
One of the most interesting thing is the idea that the present is all that you have right now.
And going to the past or the future is something considered "unconscious"
It helps in a way.
I find it easier to realise how my head always likes to go to the past to seek a sense of identity.
And to go to the future, which always cause me to have a panic attack.
Maybe the thing I don't like about the book is the idea of spiritualism.
I like to have beliefs about my actions and thoughts.
But this book just throw it all away.
Saying that our current actions and thoughts are not really defined by what we do in the past.
I was skeptical about it because being present means to lose oneself.
But the book explains it in a way saying that we are not defined by our past.
It has helped me.
And I really hope that I could "remember" to be ever present in any situations.
Also, it thought me to be more aware of my own thoughts too.
It helps in silencing when I could try and focus on one individual thought at a time.
So much has happened in my mind these past few days.
Honestly, tired of listening to the thoughts sometimes.
When I'm tired I'll always just let them flow.
And whenever I let them flow, it'll just not stop flowing.
And I'll be super messy whenever.
Almost break down so bad just now.
I'm glad this habitual reminder to be present has helped to pull me back.
If it weren't habitual, it wouldn't help I guess.
A little bit like how lucid dreaming works.

Quite a bad day.
I want tomorrow to be better.
One day at a time.
One hour at a time.
One second
At a time.

A surge of force

It hits in waves.
How does it feel.
Nothing but death.
How does it feel.
Screaming underwater.

Rockmaster 2018

Let's go.
Went back to how I felt during all my videos on Instagram.
Loved the hampi airplane video the most.
Must not forget the joy and simplicity of climbing.
Glad to have gone through that video again.

Thanks

Heavy

Comfort in the panic

Present

Climbing cohesion had been fun in a way.
Stoned on Day 1 but Day 2 was a lil better.
Honestly felt really old to be going for a camp.
The things they laughed about are things I would judge other group of people for.
But actually being present with the CG felt kinda nice.
Nothing much in my head.
Just being really present.
Kinda bonded a lil with the team people too.
And also made a few friends from the club.
Got to know the two angies better too.

Thoughts are pretty clear.
Love it.

Rockmaster coming really soon.
Not the best now but I will do my best.

As of now, tired and need to clear some sleep debt.

Moment

Skies of a million star

Rational me says
Things will get better.

It will.
It must.

Possession

Been awhile huh.

Visiting an old friend

Maybe darkness is all but an addiction.
Tonight, I shall succumb to the temptation.

Identity

There's a fear of leaving pain behind.
The fear of losing the sense of identity.
The book says that those things don't define you.
But then what explains the behaviour of the mind.
To always want to go back to that familiarity.
Is it really just a delusion that we seek comfort in?
Skeptical.
But there are certain truths in what the book says.
And it's kinda causing me to be crazy now.
It doesn't feel like me at all to be shunning away from emotions.
Let's not give up on the book entirely.
We shall see.

Pain body

In that case, unconscious fear of losing your identity will create strong resistance to any disidentification. In other words, you would rather be in pain - be the pain-body - than take a leap into the unknown and risk losing the familiar unhappy self.

Doing things

I realised I like to force my way to do things even when my mind is not there.
E.g I totally don't feel like studying now cause my mind is in a mess but I still go ahead.
Don't think that should be the way to do things.
I realised I went for 2 lectures today and did not learn anything.
Okay but at least I wrote every thing down from the board.
Falling way back in my academics.
It's just one last year, why can't I put in a little more effort.
I realised I'm a dreamer too.
I have an ideal way of how things should be run.
I get a little crazy when that happens.
Today is really a super unproductive day.
Basically did nothing except for submitting my forms for NYC.
Alright, at least the planner is keeping me alive.
I'm just thinking how planner makes things more organised.
But this organised way of life makes me ponder.
About the chances of impromptu, creative thoughts about life.
It's kinda dull.
Right, I bought an earpiece and a new book.
The power of Now.
It's funny how appropriate it is.
Hahahaha.

Gotta take things step by step.
Feels like a very tricky situation in my life now.
Any wrong step would be as irreversible as stepping on a land mine.
Slow.
Things will turn out fine.

Mediator

Mediating everywhere.
Why can't people just see things from another person's perspective?
Is it really so difficult to come up with a compromise?
Hate making decisions like this.
Just like how my decision has already affected the team.

That's why, words.

 “I hate the split second when you are spiraling and you see what you’re doing, see the impulsive behavior or hear the things you’re saying to someone you truly love that you know you’ll regret later, and you can’t stop. Wanting to bite your tongue or walk away, but you can’t.” — Olivia R.

Numb

The lift started shaking.
And it was then I realised, I had been the one causing the malfunctions of the lift.
Knuckles.
Throat.
Exorcism.

Did it work?
No it didn't.

But it's like

no matter what I do,
I can't convince you
To just believe this is real

I am, a little bit insecure,
a little unconfident,
Cause you don't understand I do what I can
Sometimes I don't make sense

Insane

I learnt about reference frames in physics.
So in a general perspective, who's insane?
I seem to be the insane one in everyone's perspective.
But it's all about perspective isn't it?
The only invariant is intention.
In any perspective, intention is all we need.
I don't know whether you do.
But it's okay if you don't.

Ever heard of darkness energy

Let's harness it.

Destroy,

Both at once.

Old friend

I admit I was scared to meet him because I felt like we were too different now.
True that we are pretty different now but I remembered that I always admire his love for music.
But honestly I was scared for his future.
But look where is he now, with a band, playing music 3 times a week, earning enough to live by, having a wonderful girlfriend.
He was the 'loser' with bad grades.
But I admire him so much now that he's loving his life.
I wish I could be the same.
Muddy Murphy.
It was a great night and I'm glad we all got together and catch up like secondary school times again.
We all grew up.
And our way of life is different now.
But the memories that we made is for a lifetime.
I remember the last time I was talking about you was when Rachel and I walked past your house with Bear.
6 years is a really long time.
Everyone is so different now.
Yet, we're still the same somehow.

I can't do this (again)

I need to write my thoughts down before they explode in my head and become shrapnel of words.

It's week 3 now and I am so damn tired of everything.

I need help with BA.

Just last few things but I feel like I am doing this all on my own.

NYC is being a pain in the ass.

Seriously? I thought it was clear enough for the claims to be processed.

And then I have to go down again just to collect them and re-submit them.

I don't think it is messy at all.

You're just lazy to look through the receipts properly.

At least that's what I feel.

And people's problems.

I feel so much pain for all the things that has been revolving around me.

I wish I could be there for every single one of you.

But I can't.

And my attention is spread.

Yet again.

I tell myself that I should be selfish.

And care about myself.

Easier said than done.

I lose motivation too easily.

I can't even pick up my fucking pen to start doing my assignments.

I can't even open up the fucking gmail just to send an email.

I can't even bring myself to write my concerns for the people around me.

I'm really tired.

I woke up this morning feeling like there's a ton of things to do.

But the inertia is too high to start on anything.

Who can I turn to?

When all my good friends are either dealing with things, having a weird relationship with me, or simply don't think they understand anything at all.

And there we have it.

This white space that has always been by my side.

It's nice though.

It is as limitless as my brain.

Rants after rants.

Maybe I just need a real person to talk to.

I need some igniter in me to kick start the engine.

Take care of myself.

I'll try.

No promises.

Tears of clarity

I went back all the way down.
I don't know why I did that but I read everything again.
It hurts so fucking bad.
I felt like I was back to who I was.
I was close to losing everything I had in my life.
It felt so fucking unfair to me.
Everything was just not going my way.
I felt the loneliest I've ever felt.
I don't want to go back there again.
It's a sad path.
It's hurting me so fucking bad right now.

You

Demon

Infinite

Charlie.
24.

First impressions

I don't think any of this first impression has any positivity in them.
I'm just sorry that you have to see me like this as a first impression.
I should have known better.
I fucked up.
You're absolutely right.

Been an interesting day in my head

So, I was asked to meet a client who was interested in looking for photographers.

And then came the meeting which I was late for.

And I think it caused a bad impression of me as a person.

In addition, I did not bring the files which I am supposed to show her.

And hence, it triggered a series of thought process which I am currently still thinking about.

So it goes a little something like this.

To shoot food, I need to have at least a 35mm lens.

Or something macro.

And also good lighting which I have no idea.

I quoted 75 an hour while the previous photographer is charging at 400 an hour.

I told Kenny that honestly, they're paying too much for that photographer because yes, it is a series of good photos, but I won't quote someone this price, it's quite ridiculous.

And then, I thought about me having to rent a lens and lighting.

Also having to research on macro photography and the usage of lights.

To be honest, I felt like I was going to lose money at the end.

At the expense of my busy schedule.

And then came the thought that, I should actually have a way to tell people what kind of photos I shoot and what videos I do etc.

So I decided that I need to start a website in the future.

With all my portfolios inside which I can show to my future clients.

So I need to keep shooting at the start.

And then suddenly came the downpour.

I thought that I wouldn't be able to make it.

And just a surge of negativity about my whole outlook of life.

I felt like things were of no purpose.

I felt like I am just dreaming to run away from the reality of work life and adulthood.

There was this voice in my head to ask me to wake up.

Just go and do a 9-5 job.

Use your physics degree as a backup.

Until I saw a man who was in his 60s.

And the 15 year old me shouted right at my face.

This is what you told yourself.

You are not going to be sucked into society.

No matter how shitty life is going to be, you don't want to succumb to the easy way out.

There won't be any purpose for you to lead a life just like anyone out there.

There's so much more out there.

And then I just thought to myself, I have surges of motivation in a pool of low motivated periods.

I felt like this is how I am as a climber, a PD, a captain and a person.

Sometimes just wish that this surges of motivation comes every living day when I open my eyes.

I know some people just have it.

But is it something that is in-built, or do we find it?

Sometimes

I really do wish I was better at talking to people.
And not typing things down in words.
It makes things a little awkward isn't it.
How I wish I could tell you all the things I wanted to say.
In person.
I'm just bad at this I guess.

Let's chill this out then.

Yup

What else do you want me to say.
I have nothing to say.

Just watched a short video

How accurate.
Things were exactly how it was in the past.
I'm glad I've moved on.
And that we're just really good friends now.
The pain is still there yes, but I'm glad we are where we are now.
Thanks.
For being there.

School's starting

Hmmm
Don't know how to feel about it.
But I guess I've accepted the fact that I'm not going to rest properly before school starts.
Cherishing whatever that's left.

Things have been pretty heavy for me I guess.
Been thinking a lot about you.
I really don't know what things are going to be like.
The uncertainty isn't fun at all.
And I'm sure you feel the same way too.
But we said that we're not going to talk about "next time".
So I'm glad that we both agreed on "We'll see how"

And you, you just left too.
I know it's been 8 months but heck, I still think about you.
I'm glad though that I won't be seeing you around.
It affects me a little whenever I see you and know that we can't talk like we used to.
But I just hope that you're happy.
With what you have now.
And I will be too.

Hmm, and the team too.
It sucks for me to know that so many people are leaving.
I foresaw it coming anyway.
But not as painful as I think it'd be.
But I'm glad that I've made a choice nonetheless.
If not I won't be able to be at peace with myself.
I really hope that I made the right choice.
And that the sacrifice of friendships would be worth it ultimately for the team.
And whoever that is left, I wish that I have the capability to ensure that you guys get the best out of it.

BA is going to be over soon.
I'm left with NYC, and my own reimbursement stuffs to settle.
Post event report that I wish to bring the next marketing PD with me to meet Anthony.
And lastly, handing over everything to the new PDs.
Right and BA video.

FYP.
Fuck.
I don't know what's going on.
I really need to find out soon lol.
But yup.
I know that yuki probably is as lost as me.
Hopefully.
Then we can suffer together HAHAHA.

1 more year in NUS.
Let's give back to the team and make sure my juniors enjoy what I had in the past 3 years.
Climbing friends are my only friends in NUS (ok cept physics).
I hope they will feel like the team is as important as what I always perceive it to be.
And after 1 year, life is going to start.
I'm pretty excited for the next phase.
I'm ready for things to be shitty.
I hope.

Hi blog

I'm thankful that whenever I open you, you're as white as a blank space.
I don't know what to do.
I just wish that everyone's problem can be solved.
And that there would be no pain left in the world.
But then again, it's kinda funny if the whole world is drunk right now.
There'd be so much true talks.
Fuck all this fake talks.
Why do we even do that.
Why do we act as if we're happy, act as if we're sad.
I don't know.
I know I'm drunk af now.
But dood, I wish everyone gets the best out of life.

Unfair

All three of you are gone.
Guess this is my role after all.

What's the best thing that happened to you?

Winning that demon that is trying to take over me now.
I fucking won you.
I'm sure I'll win again one day.

Drifting away

Bro.
I'm glad you're right here talking to me.
Because I think no one will understand this feeling bro.
Fking tripping ass right now without anything.
It's nice that you're talking to me bro
HAHAHAHA.
Maybe it's after effect.
Maybe I'm tired.
Maybe a lot has happened in the past week.
But it's nice to have familiarity.
Thanks for being around for the past year.
Wouldn't have made it that far without you.
You chose the right decisions for me there and then.
Because you could see the bigger picture.
So.
Thanks bro.

Drifting away into the night.
Let my soul diffuse.
Let it flow through everyone's mind.
And when it comes back.
It's a little richer.

Don't leave me

I have never heard anyone say this to me in my entire life.
It has always been the other way round.
I told you I can't promise anything.
Because I know promises hurt more than anything.
Given the number of friends that have walked away from my life, maybe I was the problem.

Hate waking up to shouts.
Maybe that's why I fear waking up sometimes.

Things are quite in a mess now.
BA, academic planning, climbing, team.
One after another.
I just wish things could quieten down soon.
But there's no time for rest.

I'm just forcing myself to plan for a rest for the remaining days left before school starts.
But it's not working out.
I don't think I can rest until everything settles down.

I wish so much for me to be able to do things that people do when they're free.
I want some precious times to myself.
I mean I do have them now, just that it's not how I want it.

But I guess like what you said.
Take things one at a time.
Hope it'll be fine.

Reading back

I feel like I'm reading someone else's conversation.
Things have changed so much.

War

Dreamt that I was out on a mission. We were trapped in a small house while the whole nation was wiped out already. I was holding a sar, loaded and ready to fight to my very last breath for the nation. So I gave my last ops order and came out with the best plan that I could thought of to the remaining comrades / civilians who were still alive and we hid in various places of the houses, waiting for the them to come in, and kill all of us. I hid in the toilet, which was just at the end of the staircase. It was dark, but I was ready. I looked through my scope, everything was ready. My magazine was in, I've cocked my SAR. And the door opened and light bounced into every different corners of the room. Someone whispered in the dark, "They're here." My gripped tightened, and I looked through the scope with enhanced focus. Maybe it was the body's optimum condition to be in just before I get killed. I felt so ready. And then, the silhouette passed by and I caught a glimpse of the faces. It was Yong Sheng and Min Jian. The crosshair was on Yong Sheng's head, he did not notice me. As much as I didn't want to, I pulled the trigger...
Bang.
My SAR was faulty and not zeroed properly. They knew where we were now and they came rushing to the top of the house. And from the corner of my eyes, I saw my friends getting killed and the innocent civilians being killed. I walked out from the toilet and surrendered with my two hands held high. I shouted at them "Don't do this!"
Bang!
I was shot in my left chest. The pain was excruciating. My clothes became wet. And I realised it was the blood. I lay down on the floor, my vision became dark...
Bang!
Another shot was fired even though my senses were dying on me. Yong Sheng was shot, and he was lying beside me. Our eyes glued together. I crawled towards him. He crawled towards me too. I was still feeling intense pain pulsating through my entire torso. I held his hand, and we just stayed in that position, motionless.

And so.. I was still alive when I opened my eyes. Someone was sending me home on a wheel chair. Everything seemed fine, the entire city seemed vibrant again. But there was still pain, I was still wounded. I realised it was my mum, pushing the wheelchair, bringing me back home. She seemed so at peace. She must not have known that I was about to die. I looked at her and felt at peace with everything. At one moment, there was a flashback on my life. All the darkness that I've been through. It was so dark. It's not a metaphor of any sort. I went into darkness, and took a little tour around every corner that I've reached. It was dark like hell and it was scary. Flashback ended, I was on my final breath. I told my mum what happened but she didn't believe me. Until I toppled over the wheelchair, and shouted one last time in pain. She looked at me and she started tearing because she finally realised that I was going to die. And so I lay there..
Ready...
To die.

And yup, I woke up in fuck tons of tears.

7 months ago

It hurts pretty bad when I watch the video again.
It's not just her.
It's everyone.
Everyone's so different.
Everyone's so...
Happy.
I felt like there wasn't anyone hiding any emotions.
It was nice while it lasted I guess.
I miss that place so much.
Lying down there, getting high.
Crying at night.
It felt so real.
I remembered I was so close to an answer.
That answer that will solve everything.
Nevertheless, it still felt really good.
I remembered just sitting at the rocks and looking out at the scenery alone.
Just smoking and looking.
It was so vast.
So vast that I felt like the amount of things in my head was actually limited.
It wasn't as endless at it seemed.
Maybe it wasn't any of the people in the trip that made things feel okay.
Maybe I just had a moment of peace with myself.
Definitely going back there some time in the future.

Shrooms

Listening to these songs just bring me back.
Back to the mats where I rolled around.
Feeling every particle in the room.
Thinking of everyone's mind.
That free access to everyone's mind.
Taking a tour into people.
Even strangers.
The weight of this world.
I'm exactly where I was that day.
Want to go back there again.
It's nice.
When you can see emotions.
Take them,
Analyze,
Release.
It's a flow.

Urgh

I'm kinda glad I'm not going to be working in a big group in the future where I need to communicate with so many people.

I feel like I would screw things up because I'm always worried about people's emotion first but don't ever realise that whatever I'm doing is adding on to people's stress.

Like how I'm worried that she would be too stressed up with the way she organises her people.

But then realising that whatever that I told her isn't going to help with anything.

And this was exactly what happened last year when someone gives me suggestion or try to "poke" into how I organise things.

Dang.

Empty

Listening to this playlist just makes me feel so empty.
I guess the end of "busy" comes this phase.
So eerily familiar.
Burning up inside.

You seem really special.
Somehow, it looks like dark clouds.
With thunderstorms approaching.
Afraid.
I don't want to meet another one just to have you leave after you know me.

Maybe it's just these songs.

NUS Boulderactive 2018

Was it a success?
I would say yes, but it wasn't as perfect as I would like it to be.
Does it matter actually?
No, because it's really all about the process, as cliche as it sounds.
I'm glad that it's finally coming to an end.
.
.
.
So it all started with gin and tonic 10 months ago.
I was sitting at the table with Ferran at his place.
I remembered being so stress for the first time for BA.
Why was I so stress?
Because I was presented with this question in front of a group of people that I will be working with. "Maybe for a start you could tell us what do you envision BA to be?"
And lots of eyes were staring at me during that meeting.
There was silence.
All those eyes waiting for an answer which I myself didn't have.
What did I really want BA to be like?
I don't know.
But I randomly came out with ideas.
"I want the whole place to be dark and with spotlight shining on the wall while the audience will be watching in the dark. Just like how TNFC is. And also, I want a top out wall just like Adidas Rockstar. Maybe can have super finals."
That very moment, I suddenly felt like I was the one who must make the call for every decision.
And it just fell on my shoulder on that day.
I had an anxiety attack on that day itself and needed someone to talk to.
And that was why I ended at Ferran's place the same night.
With gin and tonic.
And it was how things started rolling.

Months passed, and this responsibility got heavier.
Started negotiating with people.
Scape, North Face, Suntec, etc etc.
Nothing worked.
Nothing.
The clock just kept ticking, but nothing was moving.
So many things didn't work out.
Venues could not be confirmed.
Sponsors could not be confirmed.
And the stress just kept building up.
It has never stopped ever since the day I nodded my head to be the PD of BA.

Boss, this one how.
Boss, that one how.
There were a million things in my mind all the time.
And there were also million of questions from people that I had to answer.
My studies took a toll.
CAP dropped by 0.5.
But I couldn't take a break.
My parents were always annoyed by how I was always coming home late.
And they will never understand how much I want to spend time with them but I'm just so busy with BA.
Because there were just so many things to do.
I hate it so much.
I hate that I have so little time to do other things.
Like training hard, studying, catching up with friends and like just doing the things I enjoy.
And I took it all upon myself.
Because I took up this role willingly.

It wasn't easy definitely.
BA is arguably the largest local competition in Singapore.
With 764 participants last year, I knew I was that one person that is gonna dictate how things are going to be from 12 to 15 July.
The success or failure of the event lies so heavily on me.
In times of needs, there were very important people that showed up in this process.
Felicia is one of them.
She helped me so much for BA, as an official climbing partner and also as a friend.
She suggested lots of ideas for me.
To look for governmental grants such as NYC which we got a lump sum from.
And of course, coming in to support our event by providing route setters, holds, prizes etc.

This journey continued.
Things got worse when the main committee started breaking apart few months before the event.
The amount of things that needed to be settled increased exponentially.
And hence for me, it was always a struggle to delegate and trust that my committee will do it or just do it myself because I have the "I-can-do-better" mentality.
It was the worse mentality to ever have.
Distrusting my own committee.
When Phoebe told me that she wished that I could trust the committee more, it was then I realised I screwed up.
I was being selfish.
I kept thinking that I was the only person putting in so much effort for BA.
So much things on my plate.
Afraid to delegate.
It just keeps piling.

And that very one day, I couldn't take it anymore.
Because the committee was going to break into pieces.
I wiped up my tears and told the other three, "Let's meet up."
And so there we were.
The 4 of us sitting at Techno, trashing every emotional things out.
Because I felt it was unhealthy to have an invisible tension in the group.
Everyone was angry and tensed.
We were just shooting each other.
And it hurts so bad to hear the truth of how I am as a "boss" in their eyes.
I went into the darkest moments for BA.
I was literally a zombie.
I didn't want to do it anymore.
But no, things had to move.
Like what I told my committee, we should put our emotions aside.
Yet I myself failed so terribly.

Halfway during this struggle, I ran as the Captain for my team and I was elected to be the Team's male Captain.
I honestly didn't know what I was thinking about.
And also, I agreed to taking up some business for Ducklight which required so much of my time.
It was so stupid for me to make that decision.
So much argument happened during this period of time because I didn't have enough attention to give to everybody and everything.
I quarrelled with Kat, regarding captaincy things.
Cause I told the 18/19 core group that communication is key and yet I wasn't thinking enough before I reply things abruptly.
And I felt so sorry that I contradicted myself.
I quarrelled with Jon too.
Even though we didn't really quarrelled verbally or over text, I knew he was angry at how I took up the video project without planning for it.
I'm really sorry to him and I didn't dare to talk to him.
And even if I did dare to, I knew I didn't have the energy to.
Any form of me trying even harder requires so much inertia.
Which in the end I decided to just not care about things.
(Which caused things to be worse)

In the midst of all these, I had to be a captain.
I had to be the one that needed to stay mentally strong, to show no signs of fatigue.
Mock comp results.
I was last for both mock comps.
How do I debrief the team with a result like this.
I had literally no face to tell them that I am so busy that I could not climb or plan things properly.
Hilman too.
I felt like his expectation of me wasn't met.
I wasn't a good captain.
And all these negative thoughts just kept flooding me everyday.
I just kept feeling that I'm not enough.
I wasn't capable enough to handle all these.

However, things started to move with a really good momentum nearing the event.
There were many people that had helped me through all the ups and downs.
Hazlee was there listening to me when I screwed up.
Felicia was there to guide me along on my course of actions.
Runi was there when I ranted at her, she treats me as a friend first before a captain or a PD.
Asking me how I was feeling before actually asking me about what's wrong.
And also my friends like xx, daryl, cyue who were there to really just listen, nothing else but really just listening.

My main committee started working really well when I took a step back and not micromanage.
I didn't really decide to take a step back I guess.
It was actually due to circumstance.
I had to go for reservist 1 week before BA and I just didn't have time and energy to give anymore.
And then sometimes I think to myself, maybe I really should have calmed the fuck down.
I'm stressing the committee too much, I didn't give them space to work.
It was kinda late when I realised that.
But I'm glad that the main committee worked really well without my presence.

And there we have it.
NUS Boulderactive 2018.
Event days wise, I must say that without my CRS and CRJ, Joshua and Delson respectively, things wouldn't be so smooth.
I would just like to mention that they were appointed really really last minute.
But I think they got the job done really well.
I think the 3 of us worked really well together during that week of BA and I'm excited to see how the 3 of us PD, CRS, CRJ can work together to give back to the team as Captain, Vice-captain and Team Manager.
Special mentions to even more last minute roles that I appointed.
Limlim and Daryl for being the emcee.
There are just so many people to thank and if you have communicated with me one way or another during this 1 year of planning, I thank you for being part of this.

And with that, I'm excited for the days to come with more time to spend on other things that I had neglected over the past year.
Let's hope that those friendships that I have torn due to BA can be rebuilt.
Giving my best wishes that BA2019 will yet be another successful one.
:)

Fuck

Wished I had done it better

ICT 2

[11:24 PM, 7/6/2018] angweepin: Yo just wanna say something right now before I sleep tonight. Hahaha, before my head gets replaced by civilian life. After going through my ICT, and going back to OCS, I just suddenly thought about a lot of things and I just wanna like share with you about my days in service. So I was talking to my CO (which is echo wing comm) about how I thought about signing on in the past. And so, we had a very long talk in his office about why we serve.

I told him about how I wanted to signed on last time. And how I actually talked to my OC about signing on. The scene about me talking to my OC is deeply etched in my mind because it was in Lakuin camp in Brunei. So I was smoking with my OC (who's a regular) under the night sky (yes very drama but it is really how it was) and I was telling him about the thought about signing on. The things I told him was that I really loved the idea of making an impact in people
[11:24 PM, 7/6/2018] angweepin: omg i pres until enter
[11:24 PM, 7/6/2018] angweepin: nvm i continue
[11:47 PM, 7/6/2018] angweepin: The things I told him was that I really loved the idea of making an impact in people's life, or like changing them for the better. But the thing that is holding me back is the idea of patriotism and feeling uncertain that I will be patriotic. So it's kinda like if I'm not patriotic, means I won't be passionate about my job. Though the feeling of making an impact in other's life was satisfying, it isn't something that could be used as the drive to be in the SAF.

During my ICT, there was a lot of time that I man mode. And worse, I was given the appointment of 2IC, which is like your Wing 2. And it wasn't easy to lead a company of 100 over people. I felt really disappointed at myself for being man mode at times. It's as if I forgot the core values of being an officer and it hit me hard because it's not just something that was present during this ICT, but I realised it was something that I haven't been thinking of ever since I ORD. And I felt very disappointed in myself for losing that sense of pride of an officer, that character and the value that I used to have back in NSF day.

Walking through OCS today, going back to Echo wing, the place where I learnt so much not only about being an officer, but being a person, I felt nostalgic. The people who has shaped my life isn't there anymore but their spirit lives in the wingline. It was really quite a moment, and it was a feeling that was really hard to describe. When the cadets walk past me and greeted me, I felt like they were too polite lol and I felt abit disgusted to be greeted 5 times in a row when all the cadets walk past me. But then I think back again, I was really happy as a cadet because I knew that I was improving as a person, even though I had to go through so much shit. It was the friends around me who brought me through the tough times and I'm very thankful for them even though I don't keep in touch with most of them now.

Talking to you was interesting too, because you made me lived in your shoes for awhile. The shaggy times about being a cadet, doing nonsensical stuffs which you think that it's just pointless and feeling that everything is not going to be relevant in the future. It's true. It really is. But I think the day that you commissioned and look back on all the shit that you've been through, you'll be so proud of how you've emerged from a lowly recruit, and finally to be an officer. It really feels so far away, it's true. Your fellow cadet mates are going to be the one that will pull you through it. Hearing that you cry in bed makes me feel like it's really okay and normal. Because I cried a few times too in OCS because I felt like I was going through hell, and I remembered how I always think about my parents when I'm going through tough times. I felt like I needed to pull through because of my family. And that was what OCS showed me. It showed me how much my family cared about me and that I was just really very appreciative about the things and people outside of camp.

I won't hope for you that things will get better, because it is not realistic to hope that way. But what I hope is that you become a stronger person after this, and you appreciate the things outside more. It really is a different dimension when you're in service. I remembered telling my partner during social night that army is just a different dimension, it feels like you're trapped inside and people that are outside can't get to you. It feels like you're separated from the outside world and that you're forgotten. True to a certain extent, and that's why I say, you only have your peers beside you to pull you through. So, do build the relationship with the people around you. I would say that that's very important. It actually made me looked forward to going to camp. Just like how I'm still looking forward to go to my next ICT, because of the people.

Hahahaha, sorry for being so emotional, I was just thinking about a lot of things. Like how organising BA or being the captain is just so similar to being an officer. I must say that I am rusty to be a sir, but I would really love for the old NSF officer me to remind me of how to be a better person. :))))

It is coming again

It's not leaving tonight.
Maybe I'm just letting it eat deeper whenever I agree that it's there.
I can just snap and deny its existence.
But somehow, I just don't want to.
What's wrong with me.

Went to my uncle's funeral just now and feeling so much for my dad.
He felt so lost.
When I looked at my uncle, and his operation scar behind his head, my head just flashed to the moment where he will talk to me when I was a kid.
I was more hurt by my Dad's behavior throughout.
I felt like he was trying to avoid being sad.
Trying to stay strong for all the others, keeping my grandma company, making the siblings less tense by saying something funny.
I feel like hugging him, and tell him that it'll be okay in the end.
But I just can't bring myself to because I wasn't brought up in this manner.
I suddenly felt so similar to my dad as we were walking back home.
I looked at him from behind and felt like he was just holding it in, protecting everyone around him first.
Before taking care of himself.

I don't know, maybe I'm just thinking too much.
But it just make me feel bad too.
Knowing how he feels, yet not doing anything for him.
It's just like friends I guess.
There're people out there, thinking about how alone they are.
Yet I can't deal with my own monster enough to come along and grab you away.
It sucks man.

And then yet again, sometimes after taking a break and reading my blog posts, I just felt like it wasn't exactly my thoughts.
Maybe I just needed attention by sounding sympathetic.
What for?

Tired.

Honestly can't wait to run away to reservist.
I need a reset.
I'm done with this.

Murderer

There was a fat girl that liked me.
And I told her sorry that I couldn't take lazy people.
So I scolded her, saying that she could be skinnier and healthier but she's just lazy.
So she started crying and I just sat there looking at her.
We were at the balcony when she was still crying.
She started putting her right leg over the railings.
And then just leaned over from the other side trying to talk to me.
I ignored her but stayed put.
Suddenly, she fell from the position.
I looked down, her face was smashed like a fruit.
I just killed someone without knowing what I did.

What a horrendous dream.

It's a night of being Charlie

I thought it'd never come back.
But I guess it did anyway.
This familiar darkness.
It never left isn't it?
It's been well kept in your pocket.
Following you around everyday.
Just that tonight, it came out.
It let loose.
And the head gets controlled so easily.
The pains.
The pains of all the people.
All these faces that appears behind my eyelids.

I used to think that my father was an emotionless creature.
But as I grew older and when my thoughts become more concrete, I knew he wasn't.
I knew that he just keeps lots of things to himself.
I just didn't know what to expect when his emotions showed.
I never expect it to come.

I'm scared of being there for him.
Because I won't know how to handle his emotions.
And that was why I stayed below my house so long before deciding to go up.

Plus all the things that's been revolving around my head, my head went hay-wired.
Flying into everyone's head.
And seeing me from their perspective.
And how much of the pain I've caused for them.
All these faces.
It speaks a story that is well kept in corners of my head.
And today, it all came rushing out.

It hurts.
To know that I've hurt so many people.
How do I even speak of the darkness?
It's just...
Dark yet chaotic.
Yet empty.
It's like a swarm, yet it's like a lump, like an obstacle of some sort.
It's emotionless, yet living behind it is pain.
And it just transits.
A few thousand times between these adjectives in a second.
How do I speak of you?

Today is a bad day.
Irrationality is taking over me again.
I can't think before I speak anymore.
I missed all of you.
I wished I have the time to see the soften side of everyone.
Beneath's everyone's facade.
I'm not doing a good job.
Not anywhere.

I feel your pain.
I feel that you're alone.
But what else can I do?
When you open your mouth, it's just knives.
I just find it so difficult to calm you down.
I wish I can be there for you.
But I can only wish.
I wish that you'll be fine handling all these yourself.

And you too.
I wished I could still talk to you.
Though I've complained about how much I hated you right now.
But it's really all work related.
I'm just afraid it'd be permanent.
And I'm too lazy to try to save these crumbles.
Because I know this friendship didn't mean anything to you.

So much things.
What's the point of ranting.
People just can't deal with it.
Past experiences told me before.
I'm not going to try.

I'm tired.
I really am.

I'm not suitable for any of these roles ain't I.

And people who read this will be asking.
Why is he so self-defeating?
So low self-esteemed.
So lack of confidence.
Try living in my world for a day.
But then again, why would I let you do that.