It's a night of being Charlie

I thought it'd never come back.
But I guess it did anyway.
This familiar darkness.
It never left isn't it?
It's been well kept in your pocket.
Following you around everyday.
Just that tonight, it came out.
It let loose.
And the head gets controlled so easily.
The pains.
The pains of all the people.
All these faces that appears behind my eyelids.

I used to think that my father was an emotionless creature.
But as I grew older and when my thoughts become more concrete, I knew he wasn't.
I knew that he just keeps lots of things to himself.
I just didn't know what to expect when his emotions showed.
I never expect it to come.

I'm scared of being there for him.
Because I won't know how to handle his emotions.
And that was why I stayed below my house so long before deciding to go up.

Plus all the things that's been revolving around my head, my head went hay-wired.
Flying into everyone's head.
And seeing me from their perspective.
And how much of the pain I've caused for them.
All these faces.
It speaks a story that is well kept in corners of my head.
And today, it all came rushing out.

It hurts.
To know that I've hurt so many people.
How do I even speak of the darkness?
It's just...
Dark yet chaotic.
Yet empty.
It's like a swarm, yet it's like a lump, like an obstacle of some sort.
It's emotionless, yet living behind it is pain.
And it just transits.
A few thousand times between these adjectives in a second.
How do I speak of you?

Today is a bad day.
Irrationality is taking over me again.
I can't think before I speak anymore.
I missed all of you.
I wished I have the time to see the soften side of everyone.
Beneath's everyone's facade.
I'm not doing a good job.
Not anywhere.

I feel your pain.
I feel that you're alone.
But what else can I do?
When you open your mouth, it's just knives.
I just find it so difficult to calm you down.
I wish I can be there for you.
But I can only wish.
I wish that you'll be fine handling all these yourself.

And you too.
I wished I could still talk to you.
Though I've complained about how much I hated you right now.
But it's really all work related.
I'm just afraid it'd be permanent.
And I'm too lazy to try to save these crumbles.
Because I know this friendship didn't mean anything to you.

So much things.
What's the point of ranting.
People just can't deal with it.
Past experiences told me before.
I'm not going to try.

I'm tired.
I really am.

I'm not suitable for any of these roles ain't I.

And people who read this will be asking.
Why is he so self-defeating?
So low self-esteemed.
So lack of confidence.
Try living in my world for a day.
But then again, why would I let you do that.