It is coming again

It's not leaving tonight.
Maybe I'm just letting it eat deeper whenever I agree that it's there.
I can just snap and deny its existence.
But somehow, I just don't want to.
What's wrong with me.

Went to my uncle's funeral just now and feeling so much for my dad.
He felt so lost.
When I looked at my uncle, and his operation scar behind his head, my head just flashed to the moment where he will talk to me when I was a kid.
I was more hurt by my Dad's behavior throughout.
I felt like he was trying to avoid being sad.
Trying to stay strong for all the others, keeping my grandma company, making the siblings less tense by saying something funny.
I feel like hugging him, and tell him that it'll be okay in the end.
But I just can't bring myself to because I wasn't brought up in this manner.
I suddenly felt so similar to my dad as we were walking back home.
I looked at him from behind and felt like he was just holding it in, protecting everyone around him first.
Before taking care of himself.

I don't know, maybe I'm just thinking too much.
But it just make me feel bad too.
Knowing how he feels, yet not doing anything for him.
It's just like friends I guess.
There're people out there, thinking about how alone they are.
Yet I can't deal with my own monster enough to come along and grab you away.
It sucks man.

And then yet again, sometimes after taking a break and reading my blog posts, I just felt like it wasn't exactly my thoughts.
Maybe I just needed attention by sounding sympathetic.
What for?

Tired.

Honestly can't wait to run away to reservist.
I need a reset.
I'm done with this.