ICT 2

[11:24 PM, 7/6/2018] angweepin: Yo just wanna say something right now before I sleep tonight. Hahaha, before my head gets replaced by civilian life. After going through my ICT, and going back to OCS, I just suddenly thought about a lot of things and I just wanna like share with you about my days in service. So I was talking to my CO (which is echo wing comm) about how I thought about signing on in the past. And so, we had a very long talk in his office about why we serve.

I told him about how I wanted to signed on last time. And how I actually talked to my OC about signing on. The scene about me talking to my OC is deeply etched in my mind because it was in Lakuin camp in Brunei. So I was smoking with my OC (who's a regular) under the night sky (yes very drama but it is really how it was) and I was telling him about the thought about signing on. The things I told him was that I really loved the idea of making an impact in people
[11:24 PM, 7/6/2018] angweepin: omg i pres until enter
[11:24 PM, 7/6/2018] angweepin: nvm i continue
[11:47 PM, 7/6/2018] angweepin: The things I told him was that I really loved the idea of making an impact in people's life, or like changing them for the better. But the thing that is holding me back is the idea of patriotism and feeling uncertain that I will be patriotic. So it's kinda like if I'm not patriotic, means I won't be passionate about my job. Though the feeling of making an impact in other's life was satisfying, it isn't something that could be used as the drive to be in the SAF.

During my ICT, there was a lot of time that I man mode. And worse, I was given the appointment of 2IC, which is like your Wing 2. And it wasn't easy to lead a company of 100 over people. I felt really disappointed at myself for being man mode at times. It's as if I forgot the core values of being an officer and it hit me hard because it's not just something that was present during this ICT, but I realised it was something that I haven't been thinking of ever since I ORD. And I felt very disappointed in myself for losing that sense of pride of an officer, that character and the value that I used to have back in NSF day.

Walking through OCS today, going back to Echo wing, the place where I learnt so much not only about being an officer, but being a person, I felt nostalgic. The people who has shaped my life isn't there anymore but their spirit lives in the wingline. It was really quite a moment, and it was a feeling that was really hard to describe. When the cadets walk past me and greeted me, I felt like they were too polite lol and I felt abit disgusted to be greeted 5 times in a row when all the cadets walk past me. But then I think back again, I was really happy as a cadet because I knew that I was improving as a person, even though I had to go through so much shit. It was the friends around me who brought me through the tough times and I'm very thankful for them even though I don't keep in touch with most of them now.

Talking to you was interesting too, because you made me lived in your shoes for awhile. The shaggy times about being a cadet, doing nonsensical stuffs which you think that it's just pointless and feeling that everything is not going to be relevant in the future. It's true. It really is. But I think the day that you commissioned and look back on all the shit that you've been through, you'll be so proud of how you've emerged from a lowly recruit, and finally to be an officer. It really feels so far away, it's true. Your fellow cadet mates are going to be the one that will pull you through it. Hearing that you cry in bed makes me feel like it's really okay and normal. Because I cried a few times too in OCS because I felt like I was going through hell, and I remembered how I always think about my parents when I'm going through tough times. I felt like I needed to pull through because of my family. And that was what OCS showed me. It showed me how much my family cared about me and that I was just really very appreciative about the things and people outside of camp.

I won't hope for you that things will get better, because it is not realistic to hope that way. But what I hope is that you become a stronger person after this, and you appreciate the things outside more. It really is a different dimension when you're in service. I remembered telling my partner during social night that army is just a different dimension, it feels like you're trapped inside and people that are outside can't get to you. It feels like you're separated from the outside world and that you're forgotten. True to a certain extent, and that's why I say, you only have your peers beside you to pull you through. So, do build the relationship with the people around you. I would say that that's very important. It actually made me looked forward to going to camp. Just like how I'm still looking forward to go to my next ICT, because of the people.

Hahahaha, sorry for being so emotional, I was just thinking about a lot of things. Like how organising BA or being the captain is just so similar to being an officer. I must say that I am rusty to be a sir, but I would really love for the old NSF officer me to remind me of how to be a better person. :))))