NUS Boulderactive 2018

Was it a success?
I would say yes, but it wasn't as perfect as I would like it to be.
Does it matter actually?
No, because it's really all about the process, as cliche as it sounds.
I'm glad that it's finally coming to an end.
.
.
.
So it all started with gin and tonic 10 months ago.
I was sitting at the table with Ferran at his place.
I remembered being so stress for the first time for BA.
Why was I so stress?
Because I was presented with this question in front of a group of people that I will be working with. "Maybe for a start you could tell us what do you envision BA to be?"
And lots of eyes were staring at me during that meeting.
There was silence.
All those eyes waiting for an answer which I myself didn't have.
What did I really want BA to be like?
I don't know.
But I randomly came out with ideas.
"I want the whole place to be dark and with spotlight shining on the wall while the audience will be watching in the dark. Just like how TNFC is. And also, I want a top out wall just like Adidas Rockstar. Maybe can have super finals."
That very moment, I suddenly felt like I was the one who must make the call for every decision.
And it just fell on my shoulder on that day.
I had an anxiety attack on that day itself and needed someone to talk to.
And that was why I ended at Ferran's place the same night.
With gin and tonic.
And it was how things started rolling.

Months passed, and this responsibility got heavier.
Started negotiating with people.
Scape, North Face, Suntec, etc etc.
Nothing worked.
Nothing.
The clock just kept ticking, but nothing was moving.
So many things didn't work out.
Venues could not be confirmed.
Sponsors could not be confirmed.
And the stress just kept building up.
It has never stopped ever since the day I nodded my head to be the PD of BA.

Boss, this one how.
Boss, that one how.
There were a million things in my mind all the time.
And there were also million of questions from people that I had to answer.
My studies took a toll.
CAP dropped by 0.5.
But I couldn't take a break.
My parents were always annoyed by how I was always coming home late.
And they will never understand how much I want to spend time with them but I'm just so busy with BA.
Because there were just so many things to do.
I hate it so much.
I hate that I have so little time to do other things.
Like training hard, studying, catching up with friends and like just doing the things I enjoy.
And I took it all upon myself.
Because I took up this role willingly.

It wasn't easy definitely.
BA is arguably the largest local competition in Singapore.
With 764 participants last year, I knew I was that one person that is gonna dictate how things are going to be from 12 to 15 July.
The success or failure of the event lies so heavily on me.
In times of needs, there were very important people that showed up in this process.
Felicia is one of them.
She helped me so much for BA, as an official climbing partner and also as a friend.
She suggested lots of ideas for me.
To look for governmental grants such as NYC which we got a lump sum from.
And of course, coming in to support our event by providing route setters, holds, prizes etc.

This journey continued.
Things got worse when the main committee started breaking apart few months before the event.
The amount of things that needed to be settled increased exponentially.
And hence for me, it was always a struggle to delegate and trust that my committee will do it or just do it myself because I have the "I-can-do-better" mentality.
It was the worse mentality to ever have.
Distrusting my own committee.
When Phoebe told me that she wished that I could trust the committee more, it was then I realised I screwed up.
I was being selfish.
I kept thinking that I was the only person putting in so much effort for BA.
So much things on my plate.
Afraid to delegate.
It just keeps piling.

And that very one day, I couldn't take it anymore.
Because the committee was going to break into pieces.
I wiped up my tears and told the other three, "Let's meet up."
And so there we were.
The 4 of us sitting at Techno, trashing every emotional things out.
Because I felt it was unhealthy to have an invisible tension in the group.
Everyone was angry and tensed.
We were just shooting each other.
And it hurts so bad to hear the truth of how I am as a "boss" in their eyes.
I went into the darkest moments for BA.
I was literally a zombie.
I didn't want to do it anymore.
But no, things had to move.
Like what I told my committee, we should put our emotions aside.
Yet I myself failed so terribly.

Halfway during this struggle, I ran as the Captain for my team and I was elected to be the Team's male Captain.
I honestly didn't know what I was thinking about.
And also, I agreed to taking up some business for Ducklight which required so much of my time.
It was so stupid for me to make that decision.
So much argument happened during this period of time because I didn't have enough attention to give to everybody and everything.
I quarrelled with Kat, regarding captaincy things.
Cause I told the 18/19 core group that communication is key and yet I wasn't thinking enough before I reply things abruptly.
And I felt so sorry that I contradicted myself.
I quarrelled with Jon too.
Even though we didn't really quarrelled verbally or over text, I knew he was angry at how I took up the video project without planning for it.
I'm really sorry to him and I didn't dare to talk to him.
And even if I did dare to, I knew I didn't have the energy to.
Any form of me trying even harder requires so much inertia.
Which in the end I decided to just not care about things.
(Which caused things to be worse)

In the midst of all these, I had to be a captain.
I had to be the one that needed to stay mentally strong, to show no signs of fatigue.
Mock comp results.
I was last for both mock comps.
How do I debrief the team with a result like this.
I had literally no face to tell them that I am so busy that I could not climb or plan things properly.
Hilman too.
I felt like his expectation of me wasn't met.
I wasn't a good captain.
And all these negative thoughts just kept flooding me everyday.
I just kept feeling that I'm not enough.
I wasn't capable enough to handle all these.

However, things started to move with a really good momentum nearing the event.
There were many people that had helped me through all the ups and downs.
Hazlee was there listening to me when I screwed up.
Felicia was there to guide me along on my course of actions.
Runi was there when I ranted at her, she treats me as a friend first before a captain or a PD.
Asking me how I was feeling before actually asking me about what's wrong.
And also my friends like xx, daryl, cyue who were there to really just listen, nothing else but really just listening.

My main committee started working really well when I took a step back and not micromanage.
I didn't really decide to take a step back I guess.
It was actually due to circumstance.
I had to go for reservist 1 week before BA and I just didn't have time and energy to give anymore.
And then sometimes I think to myself, maybe I really should have calmed the fuck down.
I'm stressing the committee too much, I didn't give them space to work.
It was kinda late when I realised that.
But I'm glad that the main committee worked really well without my presence.

And there we have it.
NUS Boulderactive 2018.
Event days wise, I must say that without my CRS and CRJ, Joshua and Delson respectively, things wouldn't be so smooth.
I would just like to mention that they were appointed really really last minute.
But I think they got the job done really well.
I think the 3 of us worked really well together during that week of BA and I'm excited to see how the 3 of us PD, CRS, CRJ can work together to give back to the team as Captain, Vice-captain and Team Manager.
Special mentions to even more last minute roles that I appointed.
Limlim and Daryl for being the emcee.
There are just so many people to thank and if you have communicated with me one way or another during this 1 year of planning, I thank you for being part of this.

And with that, I'm excited for the days to come with more time to spend on other things that I had neglected over the past year.
Let's hope that those friendships that I have torn due to BA can be rebuilt.
Giving my best wishes that BA2019 will yet be another successful one.
:)