Xmas party

I forgot how tiring it is to be in a social gathering.
So many people popped up my mind.
I was surprised tho when you came and talk to me about your camera.
And when you said that I know that your face will become red after you drink.
When I woke up today, I read back on some of our conversations last year, and realised that you were really there for me throughout the shitty periods.
And I can't say how grateful I am to you to have kept me company then.
I guess things are different now, we're in different places now but I hope that you remember our friendship.
I remembered us quarreling and in the end you told me that you're on the same page as me when I said "no matter what happened, I still want to be your friend."
That was probably the sentence that always pops out when I think about you, to think that maybe our friendship can still be salvaged.
Maybe it really is possible.
But I don't know.
But thanks nevertheless for talking to me last night.
Even if it is just small talks.

On the other hand, things have been pretty messy in the team.
Like what Daryl said, people who don't know won't think that it is messy.
I guess that's right too.
But damn, tomorrow is new year eve and I want to jio the team out to countdown together.
But I feel like I've lost the ability to do so.
It's as if the team has been separated.
It's too much to just even think about it.
I really hoped everyone enjoyed themselves last night, and the team has been bonded in some ways.
When the guys train at fitbloc next year, I really am scared that things are going to be worse.

So what do you want me to say when you ask me "How's captaincy?"

And right as I'm typing this my father has been going non stop about my career path.
Fuck this shit man.
It's fucking annoying how he keeps downplaying my hardwork.
I hate this shit man.
I hate how he never ever supported me in this.
Or rather how none of my family members ever supported me in this journey.
How do I call this my home when I don't feel safe at all.
And when I always run away from home, they get angry.
Then wtf do yall want me to do.
I'm fucking stuck in a push and pull situation.
I don't think I can call this my home when none of them ever fucking support me.
Be it in climbing or my career.
My brothers laugh at me all the time for making filming / photography my career and always try to explain to me about this society.
I don't want to know about the society that all of you are perceiving as.
I always feel more superior in my thoughts at home, not because I have the best education background, but because I always think too much about life.
Sigh.
Trying to organise my thoughts properly ever since I woke up.

Just really ranting here because there's so much on my mind.

I think I'm done.

One more year has passed but nothing much has changed at home too.
I just want to work so hard to prove my family wrong.
Money was never the most important thing to me, yes.
But because of my bitchy attitude about home, I'm not living up to my own expectation either.
Stop it brain.

Fuck.