Monday, December 26, 2016
Sunday, December 25, 2016
Rainy fishes
Decided to go fish myself.
So bathed and took all my gears and then headed to eat lunch opposite my house.
Then took a selfie and sent to cyue and asked what he's doing.
So the conversation went like this,
[10:58 AM, 12/24/2016] +65 9712 1300: What you doing today
[11:17 AM, 12/24/2016] Chin Yue: Nothing really
[11:17 AM, 12/24/2016] Chin Yue: HAHAHA
[11:19 AM, 12/24/2016] +65 9712 1300: Les go
[11:19 AM, 12/24/2016] Chin Yue: LOL
[11:19 AM, 12/24/2016] Chin Yue: Where
[11:19 AM, 12/24/2016] Chin Yue: And who
[11:19 AM, 12/24/2016] +65 9712 1300: I gg changi
[11:19 AM, 12/24/2016] +65 9712 1300: Myself
[11:19 AM, 12/24/2016] Chin Yue: Wtf
[11:19 AM, 12/24/2016] +65 9712 1300: LOL
[11:19 AM, 12/24/2016] Chin Yue: Haahahaha
[11:19 AM, 12/24/2016] +65 9712 1300: Wake up suddenly
[11:19 AM, 12/24/2016] +65 9712 1300: Feel for fishing
[11:19 AM, 12/24/2016] Chin Yue: BJT ah
[11:19 AM, 12/24/2016] +65 9712 1300: Nono
[11:19 AM, 12/24/2016] +65 9712 1300: Changi
[11:20 AM, 12/24/2016] Chin Yue: Changi
[11:20 AM, 12/24/2016] +65 9712 1300: Boarf
[11:20 AM, 12/24/2016] Chin Yue: Shag
[11:20 AM, 12/24/2016] Chin Yue: HAHAHHA
[11:20 AM, 12/24/2016] +65 9712 1300: Boardwalk
[11:20 AM, 12/24/2016] Chin Yue: Until what time
[11:20 AM, 12/24/2016] +65 9712 1300: HAAHHA
[11:20 AM, 12/24/2016] +65 9712 1300: Dk
[11:20 AM, 12/24/2016] +65 9712 1300: Dinner time
[11:20 AM, 12/24/2016] +65 9712 1300: I still damn long to go there tho
[11:20 AM, 12/24/2016] +65 9712 1300: Probably 1
[11:20 AM, 12/24/2016] Chin Yue: Then you dinner w who
[11:20 AM, 12/24/2016] +65 9712 1300: No one for now
[11:20 AM, 12/24/2016] +65 9712 1300: If have also dinner with xx lo
[11:21 AM, 12/24/2016] Chin Yue: Okay lemme bathe and eat hahahaha
[11:21 AM, 12/24/2016] +65 9712 1300: LOL serious ah
I liked how he's so spontaneous about everything but I feel bad about not being spontaneous sometimes.
I'm really glad that he's just always there for me.
Even if it's mushy to say it as a guy friend.
Guess I'll dedicate a longgggggggg post for you on new year's post hahaha.
But anyways, today's fishing was amazing.
Not cause fishing but rain.
The rain was so freaking heavy.
And it just makes you feel like a kid again to be staying under the rain.
It was a complete drenched like all the way through.
Whole shirt wet, whole pants wet, whole underwear wet.
And we're just running around trying to put bait.
Shivering in the cold.
Screaming from the lightning.
Feeling the hard rain and wind splatter on your skin.
To a point when it starts to hurt.
It's just, very nice to not be an adult at that point of time.
It was kind of refreshing to be out in the rain.
With Chin Yue it just reminds me of all the ODAC times we have.
Northen Island Kayaking and rain.
Cold on the outside but warm on the inside because everyone's just happy to be out in the rain.
I really miss the feeling.
It really let me feel like a teenager again with no worries in my mind.
Just feel the world and see the world as it is without this side of my head judging everyone I'm meeting as I grow up.
I guess growing up has its pros and cons.
But it was really nice and exciting if I were to say it.
To be out in the rain.
For like 4 hours straight? LOL.
Thanks for fishing with me and being so spontaneous.
Really really really appreciated it.
And sorry for making you come all the way here and then never catch any fish then make you travel back yourself.
SORRYYYYYYY.
Yeah so after that went to drink with xx yy zw and edmond.
It was kinda fun to play truth or dare.
Hahahah.
And yeahhhhh maybe talked a little bit too much.
Drink with cyue better.
Can say anything.
Everything LOL.
Okay maybe it's just in a group context
~
Okay going to sleep soon.
OMG HOW LONG HAVE I NOT BLOGGED LIKE THIS.
HAHAHAHA.
Must be the rain.
Till the next post like this.
Good night!
Smelling like a fish tonight when I go to sleep.
Thursday, December 22, 2016
Nobody cares
I guess that thoughts go through everybody's mind all the time but actually if we think about it you'll realise that people do care.
But maybe sometimes we don't show it.
Those words hit me so hard too.
It really seems like nobody cares at all.
But I guess it's all fine as long as you are caring for yourself.
Sometimes it do feels like just you against the world.
But it's temporary.
And I have to remind myself on that.
Sunday, December 18, 2016
I guess at times
This sudden surge of dark clouds come overwhelming you.
These dark clouds kind of just stop you from thinking rationally.
Every rationale thought in you just get swipe away with them.
And at that moment you feel so alone.
You feel like you can't escape it.
It sucks you in so deep and reminds you that these are your thoughts.
And then you start to shiver, and you don't even realise your vision is getting blurry.
Everything just seem to not make sense.
But it reminds you that it's making the most sense.
It reminds you that the false are the truths.
It hits you so bad that you feel like no one in this world understands you.
It hits you and tells you that you're useless.
You aren't capable of doing anything right.
And you're just sorry for having all these thoughts.
You can't explain to people because you can't explain it to yourself too.
This form of emotion is so complex that it feels so real and it questions your identity every moment.
And when the dark cloud passes, you tell yourself that you're fine and that we are just waiting for the next cloud to come.
And what they have to offer you is nothing but to pull you down from everything that you've done.
You feel worthless but you feel that it's just your thoughts brewing.
You start to cry because your thoughts tell you to.
And as much as you try to counter argue with your thoughts, they seem to have an answer for everything.
And for a moment,
Nothing seemed to make sense and your soul leaves your body.
Searching for the peace before it comes back.
It's like a ghost.
Patience.
*edit*
Drunk post lol
Friday, December 16, 2016
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
Friday, December 9, 2016
Just reminded a line I learnt in Army
It doesn't just have one meaning now.
Two extremes on the spectrum.
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
When the pain is covered by the fog
You try to dig up the pain.
To know that you're alive,
To feel again.
But when the fog says to stop digging,
And when you get convinced,
Your identity freezes in your body.
Everything shuts off in time.
Till a random wind blows.
I will be the wind.
Sunday, November 27, 2016
Obviously
Sitting alone here studying for my papers which are in 4 and 5 days later.
Just wondering why am I doing all this again.
I don't think it's a sign of weakness to be complaining about this.
And I think it is right to be questioning why am I sitting here studying and doing this thing called "society".
I'm 22 years old now, if everything in my life goes well, it sort of means that I've lived a quarter of my life.
What have I achieved in trying to answer the questions that have been popping in my head since I was in secondary school?
Nothing.
It frustrates me to see how I'm just heading to what the society expects of everyone.
To educate oneself, to seek knowledge, and to apply what I've learnt, to earn some money.
And then what?
Where do we go from here?
My priority in life haven't changed.
Never a single bit.
Relationship (interactions with people) always comes first.
People in the sense of my loved ones.
Friends and families.
But it just seemed like I haven't been doing anything to feed my priorities over the past years.
I guess it's the struggle between thinking of oneself and thinking about others.
If I were to be extremely self-centred, I would quit school right now because all this stress that people perceives to be good just seems useless to me.
And saying all this just makes people judge in the sense that "this guy don't know what he wants in life."
Maybe what I want from life is greater than just mere achievements.
Time is ticking every moment.
And all I can do now is stare at how I'm evolving more and more alike this society.
Instead of finding ways to get out of this cycle of what people call "life".
I don't know either sometimes.
Is it just me wanting to be different from everyone?
And will I just end up becoming someone without any achievements which the society perceives as "useless", "loser" or "incapable"?
I think what scares me the most is that I'm actually feeling normal now.
I feel like I'm getting sucked in already.
It shouldn't feel normal to be normal right?
I don't know.
Thursday, November 24, 2016
Wednesday, November 23, 2016
Tuesday, November 22, 2016
Sometimes thoughts
Become indescribable by words.
No matter how long an essay I write,
It would still be a feeling that only I myself understand.
It hides within.
Slowly sucking away personality.
And identity.
Friday, November 18, 2016
Pleasure and Sorrow
Can refer to September's post "Daily dosage of psilocybin"
It's nice when someone tells you that they can relate to your posts.
And enjoy reading your blog.
I guess I won't draft so much things now.
I mean, I guess I would still draft and blog about stuffs that are more, blog-able I guess.
Thanks for the comment Ronnie Lee~
Hmmmmm.
So I guess I'm supposed to write about my life eh?
Life has been kinda interesting.
And scary at the same time.
Scary in the sense of scared of who I'm becoming.
But interesting to see what I might turn out when thoughts become more stable.
I'm just scared that one day it crosses the point of no return.
But yet again, there's nothing much to be scared of.
I don't have to be scared of myself.
Right?
But why do I see that I have to keep reminding myself of that, if I'm not scared?
It's just this weird uncertainty in the thoughts.
Like how I know it's possible to have a sudden anomaly and it hits so hard.
And all questions and thoughts about everything just come rushing in.
And it can't be stopped.
I can't stop it myself.
And it can't be prevented.
When it comes, it comes.
It's scary when I'm in.
But interesting when I'm out.
I guess it was just like how I tripped back when I was in Bali.
Thoughts have gotten so deep in the sense that I don't feel like myself.
Or rather I only don't feel like myself when my thoughts get really deep.
Sometimes I like it and I like to keep it that way.
But at times it becomes haunting.
Your heart beats so fast.
Your mind races to every corner of your brain.
And "I" being in the centre of the brain trying to catch all these thoughts back.
But seemingly useless.
There's just no definition to how sane a person is.
Who are we to define things?
The society has too much stereotypical definition of how a life should be lived.
And to that, sometimes I do feel like I'm the sane person in this scenario.
The world sometimes seem crazy to me.
How can people live without these thoughts?
But when I'm out of the zone, and together with the society, I'm like "Why was I like that just now?"
It's sometimes weird just to see myself in two different places.
But like what you told me, it's just two different feelings.
And reality is defined by us.
By our thoughts and perceptions.
Having a different perception about things doesn't deem me to be insane.
It's only the society that deem me to be insane.
I'm thankful in a very special way.
To see things in a different light.
Not necessarily a bad light.
I'm fine with me being like that as of now.
Because I know that things are fine.
Even though my thoughts fear me sometimes, I know I'm living.
It's weird how negative emotions bring out the most out of a person.
Sometimes I compare this life with laughing every single day,
and I realised that not knowing the balance in emotions scare me even more.
"I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say
I walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne'er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,
When Sorrow walked with me."
Sunday, October 30, 2016
Friday, October 28, 2016
I have nothing to begin with
But now I have emotions.
I see the hurt of pain.
But now I see the joy of happiness.
It's something.
Thursday, October 27, 2016
I'm thinking
Thanks for being around again.
Sorry for you to feel you aren't supposed to be around.
As hard as I tried, I can only be concerned but never truly understand.
Sorry that you've to be with yourself.
Thanks for opening up to a seemingly small request but it probably means a lot for you and I .
I want you to keep trying, yet I don't want you to feel like this.
But if I don't make you try, I'm not rational as a human.
It seems like there's no solution to coming out of this cycle.
The saving and then the rejection.
But I guess I'm just going to try for as long as I can.
If it makes a difference then it will.
If it doesn't I'm glad I did.
So bear with me.
For as long as you can.
I'll be here.
For as long as I can.
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Friday, October 21, 2016
It's nobody's fault
But instead the reactions from the external world and the internal world.
And I guess it brings us back to this thing called the 'perceived reality'.
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
In my shoes
What it's like
To be me
I'll be you
Let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like to
Feel your pain
You feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see
What we'd find
Look at shit through each other's eyes
Sunday, October 16, 2016
Sometimes
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
Listening to na xie nian
I guess my dreams of you have always been the you I used to know.
And I don't think I'd know how to talk to you if we ever cross path again.
Looking at your photos just makes me feel weird at how much I think you've changed.
But then again who am I to judge because everyone changes as they grow and interact with the world.
I don't know.
Sometimes I still do feel like meeting up with you.
And see how are we.
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Friday, October 7, 2016
Hahaha
When I stopped blogging about stuffs, no one tries anymore.
Hmmm.
For your reference
http://chao-dar.blogspot.sg/2016/08/distorted-reality.html
When I'm sick,
It's not even me trying to not think.
I guess it's more of me trying to think but my brain just say "Not today bro."
Kind of weird feeling though.
But whenever I'm sick, dreams become more vivid.
Kind of interesting.
Sudden feel of getting back to lucid dream.
But thennnnnnnnnnnn.
Sleeping hours are already a problem haha.
But yeah back to the topic of being sick.
It's just damn weird to not think of anything.
Not saying it's good or bad.
And like what I told her, it's like a venn diagram with half of it being thoughts you normally think of and the other half is plain bullshit.
Like totally no link with the other half.
Was reading Wei Lun's tumblr during GET lecture.
Went to his post when he was tripping.
Suddenly miss being trippy hahahaha.
Oh, but I have one that I can always use I guess.
Okay this brain is really quite fried already.
Hahahaha.
Tired from training.
Tomorrow still need rush assignment early in the morning.
Wewwwwwwwwww.
But hopefully can go buy new shoes after school.
HIANGLE
No more blue feet~
Saturday, October 1, 2016
Thursday, September 29, 2016
YAYYY
He just took a photo of his results for me and he got 88/105.
HAHAHAHA doing some advertising on my teaching ~
It's been quite some time
Guess whenever I stay in school I always end up studying past midnight hahahaha.
Kind of nice to start feeling stress.
At least you know you still have some concern about education.
Quite shag though.
Tomorrow got two papers, (suddenly realised got two lol).
Then need to do my thai oral with Zanelle also.
That bugger (who sometimes read my blog) has FYP so I guessed we have to ask for extension.
School's kinda busyyyyyy.
Wew.
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
Wondering
They say we are defined by our thoughts.
But you know sometimes thoughts can just be so different at different times of the day.
At times I feel like there's just so many thoughts and it's really crazy to see how the thoughts link and whirl around endlessly but yet we're just only able to catch glimpse of these thoughts.
It's like you don't know what you're really thinking about.
And then when it grows too heavily, they are all released by tears.
Then when the tears come out, you feel this sudden sense of calm and emptiness.
And you think to yourself, why did I think so much just now.
And it's like no matter how hard you try to think of what you thought, it just doesn't appear again.
That's when you ask yourself, so which then is the real you?
The one that don't think as much or the other?
I just don't know how to answer this question.
I guess it's kind of both.
Like what you said, if we don't have the balance of both, we might go crazy.
Was reading my book on the train ride to school this morning.
And it's interesting to think why humans are chasing happiness.
Since I've always said that it's our thoughts, memories and emotions that defines us, then why is it that we need to chase happiness if being sad or depressed is a form of emotion too.
Maybe humans are just scared of the latter.
Being sad is being us too.
Monday, September 26, 2016
Sunday, September 25, 2016
Too much words
I think I read too much words today.
It's kind of tiring.
I'm going to sleep.
Good night world.
Saturday, September 24, 2016
Thursday, September 22, 2016
Mock Comp @ TP
But it's okay because I knew what went wrong.
Not focused, not hydrated and totally not warmed up.
Hahahahaha..
Lucky I got one bonus, if not I think I'll feel quite bad.
But nevertheless it was okayyyyyyy.
Not like I trained hard for it or anything hahahaha.
RM next week, not sure how I'd be.
Hmmm.
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
Alcohol
Saturday, September 17, 2016
Trust
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Stressssssss
Like before recess week.
So damn fast.
And it's also one of the worst module ever.
Quantum mechanics 1.
I don't understand shit about it.
Good thing is that I can get it over and done with and stop caring about it.
Bad thing is I really don't understand anything about it.
Because the lecture is at 8am and the day before is training day.
So I'd probably have less than 6 hours of sleep (after training) and it really is tiring trying to stay awake in lecture.
So all the time I just give up and sleep in lecture.
I don't think it's a time to regret I guess.
Just gotta pick up from wherever I am now.
I'm 60% done with the tutorials and lectures.
I think.
But the paper is in a few hours time lol.
Okay la, not like it is finals.
Guess I gotta work harder for finals then.
I'm so tired.
Guess I'm gonna go crash soon.
The lounge is so empty.
Lol.
Like literally I'm the only one sitting at this side of the lounge.
Shall go find QL soon.
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
Monday, September 5, 2016
Quality talks
How can people survive on small talks for years?
I don't understand.
I really couldn't see it in you.
And it scares because I always thought I was observant.
It really is scary.
Yet again, it's the second day I know you.
Don't know how to feel about this.
Thanks Chin Yue for the short phone call.
It was nice to hear your story too *moon face*
Saturday, September 3, 2016
Daily dosage of Psilocybin
It seems like it's been happening more often recently.
But more of thanks for letting me confirm.
I wonder what the next session will be like and what topic would we be on.
But yet again, life's uncertain.
It's really really uncertain.
Like what I presented during GET1015.
Human fate is a trajectory waiting for us to be determined by dynamical variables.
Which I believe the variables are decisions and interactions.
Friday, September 2, 2016
Thursday, September 1, 2016
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
Different reality
Saturday, August 27, 2016
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
Monday, August 22, 2016
"Lost love
is still love, Eddie. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it."
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Not sure to trust myself
It gets really hard at times to guess.
And sometimes even when we have the most honest conversations,
I don't know I'm doubting you or doubting myself.
I'm sorry for being this complicated.
Friday, August 19, 2016
Just like physics
There's no way to predict a particle's exact position at an exact timing.
The only thing we know is the probability of the particle existing at this particular position at a particular time.
Just like quantum mechanics, I guess the future is uncertain and it's not for us to predict its fate.
Life's unpredictable.
And we live it on a day to day basis not knowing exactly what's going to happen next.
We just have to be where fate brings us.
Thursday, August 18, 2016
"He wakes up in the morning
and he has a fresh new world to work with, but he has something else, too. He has his yesterday."
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Monday, August 15, 2016
Lol
To dream about a road accident on a motorcycle suggests facing an unexpected risk. This will is providing you with a fear of getting hurt. This can indicate difficult times both physically or emotionally.
Saturday, August 13, 2016
Friday, August 12, 2016
"Fairness,"
he said, "does not govern life and death. If it did, no good person would ever die young."
Thursday, August 11, 2016
Well
Feels kind of interesting to see how different things are now.
It's real nice to be open.
Yet kind of scared you close it.
Distorted Reality
Things that happen in real life but not in my mind.
If you all feel like you all need to talk to me about my mind, I guess I'm open to talk.
Just that how many of you would actually care right?
Hahahaha.
It's just a pretentious world out there.
Some of you would probably care after reading this.
Thanks for the effort.
But normally it just feels like y'all are brushing the shallow thoughts in my mind.
Ask and forget kind of thing.
Asking for the sake of catching up?
Then what's the point?
Where's the true concern?
Okay I think I'm just feeling a little too much tonight.
But I guess nights where I feel like this is the truest I'll ever be.
Don't get offended if you feel as if I'm talking about you.
Good night.
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Saturday, August 6, 2016
Wew
Everyone's playing pokemon go everywhere.
It's quite annoying.
As in the image of people glued to their phone.
Virtual reality, virtual socialising.
It's weird.
Really weird.
Night of Jack Daniels
It was nice catching up with my ODAC friends.
Glad I actually made an effort to meet them.
Finally saw Jon ong after so long.
People do change and it's kinda interesting hearing other people's story.
And rant whatever I want to them.
Hahaha.
So nice to see everyone again.
Missing the adventurous side of us.
Even though the talk about northern island kayaking was so short it was nice talking about it.
But yet again strangers are nice to talk to with a little bit of alcohol.
Hahaha it's strange how I feel the same with or without alcohol about you.
It's nice in a way.
Really just hope our friendship can last long.
And hope you won't be awkward with me around you.
But yet again no one knows about the future.
It's nice to drown in alcohol sometimes.
But definitely not a solution
Quite a great night.
Good night.
Friday, August 5, 2016
Bali
This second time to bali was really quite different from the previous one.
As much as we stayed in the same villa and do similar stuffs.
It's really quite a lazy unplanned trip which was quite fun.
Well the other trip was kind of interesting too.
If you know what I mean hahaha.
Not really bonding as I would liked or imagined it to be because everyone using phone HAHAHA.
But nevertheless it was a good getaway for me to relax before school starts.
Not sure whats the last mod I'm taking still hahaha.
Overall this trip was really relaxing.
Riding scooter around, eating, massaging.
See some (1) scenery HAHAHA.
Took some nice photos.
But yeah back in Singapore feels kinda good as well.
Mixed feelings before school start.
Hope this sem will be a good sem too.
Quite glad with myself that I've cut a lot of drinking.
Means my thoughts are kind of clear and don't need any alcohol to get me by.
Quite a nice feeling haha.
Excited for my last few days of holidays!
Hahaha shall go shit and sleep.
Good trip!
Thanks Fred cyue and ping teck for the 4d3n!!
See y'all soon in ntu I guess HAHA.
#lifeoftheonlynusguy
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
Trip
This trip made me understand myself a little better.
It makes me know that I've always been very reliant on people just that I've always been trying to fake it.
Like oh I'm okay drinking alone, I'm okay doing things alone.
But in actual fact I need people to talk to.
It brings out my inner emotions and makes life life.
No wonder I always tell so many people of the stuffs I feel etc.
Scared that friends leave me.
Try my best to catch up.
Weww.
Heavy night.
Saturday, July 30, 2016
Friday, July 29, 2016
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
I guess
Life is pretty fine now.
Waiting for Bali next Monday can't wait hahaha.
Have been climbing pretty much these few weeks.
3-4 climbing sessions a week.
Thinking back on the bed (sofa) ridden days and crutches days, it's definitely pleasing to see myself climbing again.
It's been 7 months and 11 days since that accident and I must say the leg feels 85%-90% normal now.
The only weird feeling I get is behind my knee when I heel hook or if I step very hard.
Oh and also the bone is a little bit out of shape.
Like there's a bulge at the sides.
Shall ask more about it on my next appointment.
But it's been quite a crazy journey.
From post surgery days to limping to physio to limping to school and around school.
I'm glad I'm actually climbing again.
Feels good.
Still have some phobia though, wonder how long this phobia will take to disappear.
But anyways, I realised I haven't really met or catch up with my friends these few weeks.
Quite a dazey period but glad that I never pour it on alcohol nights to "think".
Still struggling with thoughts and I can't wait to go Bali.
Though just a short trip, I think I'll really enjoy myself hahah.
And when school starts again, it's gonna be a new lifestyle all over.
Interesting.
Hmmm.
Oh and I think I'm going to get a diary.
JUST MAYBE.
To pin down thoughts that are a little more sensitive to write here.
Oh well maybe I'll just get lazy and not write about it.
Hahaha.
Okay shall go for tuition!!!!!
Saturday, July 23, 2016
Monday, July 18, 2016
Sometimes
I think that my brain works so much that it fires up and malfunctions.
Everything feels like a daze all of a sudden.
Saturday, July 16, 2016
Friday, July 15, 2016
"Still," he said,
"there are a few rules I know to be true about love and marriage: If you don't respect the other person, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. If you don't know how to compromise, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. If you can't talk openly about what goes on between you, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. And if you don't have a common set of values in life, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. Your values must be alike."
Thursday, July 14, 2016
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Depressant or Reality
Haunts
And I slipped on my foot and fell from the end tile.
During the fall, images from Qing Dao flowed into my mind without any form of control.
Every single feeling I felt back there came haunting me.
The pain, the twisted shin, the popping sound, the cold, the helplessness.
All these emotions came rushing in and I couldn't even get rid of it.
The harder I close my eyes, the clearer the image of me lying on the cold, hard rocks.
And the pain and worried looks.
And how I felt like I worried my parents.
The hospital journey.
The cracking back of the shin for casting.
The doctors, the nurses.
The lying on the trolley bed being wheeled in from the ambulance.
The phone call I had with my father back in the hospital.
All these thoughts just came rushing in when I closed my eyes.
I couldn't help but release all of them out.
So I kind of bawled in front of my teammates.
I was so scared.
It was really so traumatic.
Felt scarred.
Thought I got over the fear but I guess not.
No wonder I still cringe whenever the image project behind my eyes.
It really sucks.
The feeling of being brought back to that spot.
The cry was good I guess.
Kind of made me feel alive again.
Oh well, I guess I'm fine now.
Monday, July 11, 2016
Stranger talks
It's probably the first time some mentally sound person talked to me in public randomly.
Was reading my book on the train and this 50+ years old man asked what was I reading with an ascent not from Singapore, but he though looked like a Singaporean.
So we started talking about the book and talking about Mitch Albom.
Came to know that he gives speeches wherever churches invite him.
He stays in the US but was borned here.
Came back for his niece wedding and also because his mum isn't feeling well.
Used to be a pastor.
Gives speeches about life and death and God.
It was really quite interesting to talk to a stranger.
Though at the start I was feeling a little awkward because his voice was a little louder than the train rumbles and I could feel as if eyes all around were fixed on the two of us.
But when I looked up, everyone was just busy using their phone and so I kind of reciprocated the conversation with him.
It felt nice to talk to someone who doesn't know about your background and that whatever you said would never be judged.
Mainly because you won't meet the person again.
He kind of reinforced my point that I shouldn't worry that much about my grades because out in the world, it's the interpersonal skills that mattered.
I figured that if given more time I might have talked to him about more things.
Hahaha but nevertheless it was an interesting conversation.
His name is Patrick (for my own memory) Hahaha.
Thursday, July 7, 2016
Sunburnt
Hahahaha.
Wasn't a very good day but still fun nevertheless.
Great sun.
A little bit too great.
Sun burnt AF.
DAMN PAIN HOLY SHIT.
Yy and Zw came after.
So they kind of met Gummybear.
HAHAHA.
So yeah fished from 1+ to 7+ but only catch one pathetic looking small fish the size of a computer mouse.
Still fun LOL.
But as cyue say I think really need to find new place to fish.
Hahaha.
Took 29 from Changi Village with zw and yy.
Then took 59.
Then took 12 all the way to Joo Chiat road.
Ate nice bak kut teh and then Edmond came.
Went to Hog's bar to drink a little cider cause zw emo.
But it was definitely a great talking session with Yy, zw and Edmond.
Hahaha.
Great day great night.
Quite some times since I feel like posting about the happenings about every day life.
But ever since my memory seem to fade more often, (I think old liao) I start to find the need to blog about everyday's life again.
HAHAHA.
Maybe it's just the cider doing the job.
But seriously, I think my memory getting quite bad these days.
Hmmm.
Monday, July 4, 2016
One of those nights
Sometimes I feel as if I think so much that words aren't even enough to describe certain things anymore.
And that's also one of the reason why I picked up reading books maybe.
Hoping to increase my language capabilities.
As someone that has blogged for 6 years and counting, sometimes I have so much thoughts in my mind that I want to spill it all out over here.
But it feels like I am incapable of cleansing everything out from the brain.
Tonight was a lonely night I guess.
But it was definitely quality time spent alone and I honestly enjoyed it.
"What if it is today?"
If today is the day we leave this world.
"If you don't learn about dying, you won't learn about living."
And maybe you're the reason why I've learnt so much about myself after knowing you.
You made me realised how vulnerable life is.
We talked about the topics of living and death.
And it questioned about my own perception of this whole thing called "life".
There's not really a change in value though.
About the purpose of me living.
Wanting to see this world and understanding how this world works.
There's just so many things for me to explore and learn.
To seek knowledge from people.
To see how beautiful this world is.
But yet again, as I grow older, this perception seems to fade in and out on me.
My beliefs are trembled by everyday's living.
And the problem seems to come from how I live everyday recently.
I'm not cherishing the things around me.
If I die today, I would definitely regret a lot of things.
Both done and undone.
No matter what's going on in everyday's life, the clock of death is ticking.
We're all living towards death.
And what's so important about studying useless things which don't matter anymore.
And working so hard to chase something which will backfire in a few years to come.
I'm actually glad I went through the education path I took.
If not I probably won't be thinking like how I'm thinking right now.
And it's hard for me to imagine what kind of a person I'll be without my current thoughts.
We're all made up of memories and experiences.
That's why I'm glad my parents kind of pushed me to study when I still didn't have the maturity to decide for myself.
Sometimes I wonder whether I want to be happier or wiser.
Or maybe it would just be a different definition of "happier" in the two different scenarios.
There's really more to this post tonight.
But I just don't know how to explain this.
But if any of you are reading this, just ask yourself.
What is it you really want to do?
What if today is the day?
And maybe yet again I just think a little too much here and there.
Hahaha good night.
Friday, July 1, 2016
Birthday
It's always on occassions that I feel so bad about myself.
As a son to be more exact.
Always tell myself I wanna be a better son but always end up giving more problems to my parents.
I honestly want to spend more time with my family.
But I always give excuses to myself like "not in the best of mood" "busy" etc.
And the worst thing is I actually realised this but don't do a thing.
Oh well, but I really think I'm not in the best of mood these few days/ weeks.
Just so much thoughts in my mind.
Don't even know what I'm thinking about.
I'm glad I bought a book again.
Reading seems to bring out the inner emotions which sometimes blend in with the characters and stories.
I really need a way to find myself.
And sometimes it's really quite pointless to speak to people.
It's not like they can help.
Maybe yes in the physical level.
I don't even know what I'm typing sometimes.
Hahaha.
I just need a good break.
From everything.
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Internal struggle
It seems like everywhere I go, I am physically there but not spiritually.
It feels like something is missing.
And today when I woke up and crossed the road to have lunch, it triggered some thoughts when the afternoon sun blazed upon me,
The sunlight seemed to pour reality onto me.
And I realised I've been too sucked into something.
It's not just you.
But something.
I don't know how to explain that feeling but all I know is that I'm missing out something in me.
Or maybe it's just the feeling of emptiness.
But as I think harder about it, maybe it's not just emptiness.
I felt like I have lost the ability to think clearly.
And I'm letting my emotions control me.
And sipping on the ice milo with a cigarette on the other hand, I took a step back and looked at myself.
I think I'm lost.
Yet again.
Somehow feeling that physical interactions are not of any importance.
Thinking back on the darker days last year, I didn't think I was crazy.
Maybe it's part of a metamorphosis.
It's part of a process of growing up and learning more about myself.
To be honest, I am starting to get sick of this lingering lifestyle.
There's one more month before school starts.
I think I can do better than just working and spending money.
Because I know that I will regret not doing certain things when school starts to get the better of me.
And somehow, I just sort of feel that you will understand all this.
It's really quite crazy how I've only met you for a few months and I feel so much about myself.
And some times, when all these thoughts and questions surface in my head, I'd like to push it back down with a "I don't know".
Maybe this explains the lost feeling.
And yup, I think instead of pushing these thoughts back, I think I should face it bravely and give myself an answer.
Just what do I want in life?
Adulthood is really kicking in hard.
Wisdom depletes Happiness?
Or maybe it could lead to greater Happiness.
Let's see for ourselves.
Friday, June 24, 2016
Quote from Wen Shu's deep hispterical thoughts
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Saturday, June 18, 2016
I would help if I could
You must be so tired.
But I'm useless.
It's been so long since this mind had pumped with such emotions.
The night gets dark.
And the vision gets blurred.
But I believe.
Can't imagine the day when I stopped believing.
What would happen to you?
I'm afraid.
Friday, June 17, 2016
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
Climbing
Hi guys.
Just started climbing again after a long long time since I broke my shin.
Hahaha.
That adrenaline rush, the pump, the lactic is just too familiar.
Enjoyed my climb today.
Didn't expect to be climbing the whole day from 1pm until now but waaaa.
Damn feels.
It's nice to climb again.
And be helping out with BA.
And not be working hahaha.
Quite tiring to work for the past month.
But yeah earn some pocket money.
Tbh it's not easy to save up for exchange.
But I'm still going to work hard to get that money.
This BA week takes me away from work I guess.
Good and bad.
Gonna try finding new job after BA week.
Anyway, thanks xx for being my belay slave.
And I'm glad to be your belay slave too hahaha.
Two losers trying to climb lolol.
Thanksssss.
Friday, June 10, 2016
In order to live - Yeonmi Park
I came to know about the story of Yeonmi Park when I was serving NS.
My thoughts then was how someone who's around my age (1993) and so beautiful go through so much in life as compared to me.
I remembered how much injustice I felt when I was looking through videos of her.
How we are of similar age but yet the pain that she felt was something I would not understand even up till now after finishing reading her book.
It makes me think about how at any point of time people are suffering yet we are living in comfort without fear.
How things are happening somewhere else in the world while I'm typing this.
I guess I do understand certain things that she talk about.
About living everyday with a wall around your heart.
Containing all the emotions within.
And letting it out would explode into a complete destruction.
It does feel like my heart is a time bomb now.
"And I know if I start crying, I would never stop"
What makes this world of ours unique is probably because everyone has their story to tell.
I believe that we are all made up of experiences.
And it's the experiences that define who we are.
And how we interact with the world is how our experiences communicate with one another.
I really enjoyed reading this book.
It was a $30 well spent.
At first when I started reading, I was skeptical about it because I've read up on Yeonmi Park before and I'm unsure how buying this book will make me uncover things I don't know about myself or about life.
But I was surprised to find out all the hidden untold stories that she did not really go into details on TV or on the internet.
I think I'm someone who is always curious about other people's experiences.
That's one of the reason why sometimes I find having small talks pointless.
Better to keep quiet.
It's been eight seemingly long days since we talked.
And honestly I do feel a little liberated.
But somehow still find myself attached to a string.
The string that connected our experiences.
And for the past few days I've been thinking about it.
Kind of glad I'm not using alcohol as an escape this time.
But still find myself thinking and organising the puzzle within.
These puzzles seemed incompatible right now.
And I'm in an emotional state of lost and clarity.
It's a struggle.
But well, life would seem so much meaningless without these struggles in life.
And thinking back at our conversations, I felt like we have similar thoughts about life.
But yet again, I don't know how similar it is.
Because of the walls in our heart, the strings will never reach deep within.
And we'll never fully understand anyone.
Thursday, June 9, 2016
Nevertheless
Feels good just to have someone to talk to right now.
It's of some help.
Not fully though if you know what I mean.
But really thanks for hearing me out.
Switch is an awesome place.
:)
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
Saturday, June 4, 2016
I guess
Emotions are relative.
You won't get the same happiness when you compare two different benchmarks in two different emotional states.
And you won't feel the same sadness too.
I guess that's why life is full of ups and downs.
It makes you feel.
It makes you know that you're alive.
Friday, June 3, 2016
Thursday, June 2, 2016
Mixed feelings
The past 8 days of non-stop thoughts hasn't been healthy for me I guess.
And tonight's talk was the clearest of all.
Honestly, I do feel painful about all this that has happened.
And your words of clarity did magic to my mind.
It's a mixture of emotions.
I can't say that I don't feel hurt.
Cause that will be lying.
But I know this is just going to be temporary.
What's more important is the lesson that I learnt from you.
Can't really put into words what I've learnt.
But I think I definitely find myself liberating from the past few days.
The night sky never seemed brighter today.
And the smoke seemed less heavy tonight.
All of my thoughts are slowly piecing up.
I've definitely learnt a lot from this.
Even though it's just a short period of time.
6 weeks after getting your number?
Hahaha.
But yeah, I'm so glad that I've met you and that you're an experience to my life.
Though all this will just be a memory like I've mentioned, but don't everyone agree that memories are what shape who you are today.
You are interesting.
And I find it very pleasing to talk to you.
Because it seems like all our deeper conversations seem to bring out what I'm truly thinking.
It's nice to know that some of our thoughts are similar.
Like how we think that people who don't think about all these things are like ?!?!
How can people live without thinking of all these?
I'm glad I found someone who I can talk to openly about my life thoughts.
Purpose of living and stuffs like that.
Though we share very different thoughts about the purpose of living, it still feels great that I am able to open up to you about my thoughts and not feel stupid talking about it.
I'm really happy that I found you and approached you.
It was never a mistake and will never be.
As much as the past few days were so painful.
Crying because of having too much thoughts, tonight it became clear.
It became clear because all these thoughts pieced together.
I feel like I've become more matured about things about relationship.
It's never just a "try".
If it's not meant to be it will never be.
It's not just a physically bonded thing like how I feel good around you.
But it also has to be a mentally bonded.
If not it'll never work out.
I'm not blaming it on you.
Or rather I've never feel that I've blamed you for anything.
If anything, I find that I've learnt a little more about life as a whole.
It felt like my thoughts about girls and relationship over the past 6 years have been dug out by you.
I will definitely be a wiser person after this.
The past 8 days and more isn't just thinking about the past 6 weeks.
I guess it's more of thinking about the past 6 years.
I don't know how to put into words actually.
But it's just a nice feeling to know that my mind is clearer now.
I won't know how long I will take to totally straighten out my thoughts.
It's definitely going to take some time.
But don't worry because I think I'm strong enough to handle this.
However, as a friend, I still feel like I will worry about you.
And I really really really really wish that one day you'll text me and say "Hey! I got out of it."
I guess somehow I know how you feel.
I can't say I totally understand how you feel but I guess I know a little.
Because there was a period of time in life that I was just so lost and empty.
And thinking back at that period of time just scares me.
I don't know whether it's a good thing to say that "I understand how you feel" because you'll probably feel that "NOPE YOU DON'T"
Hahaha but yeah, maybe I don't and the past few days I really just wished that I understand and could share some of your burden you feel.
But thinking back on those dark days of mine back in 2015, it really felt like nothing matter any more in this world.
Friends seemed superficial.
And all I feel was nothing.
I know it's not a good thing to be telling you about this but I just felt like I might as well tell you.
I don't know about you but it helps to talk to people.
And know that I will still be a whatsapp or a call away if you ever ever need someone to talk to.
It's true when you said that it's a waste of energy but it's definitely not a waste of time knowing you or the process of knowing you.
In these weeks, you've made me realised more things about my own life than I'd ever be with endless alcohol.
I don't know how much you trust me for you to believe me that you've done something great in my life.
But I don't think I'm a good liar in the first place.
Hahaha.
I'm imagining how I'll feel when I read back on this post 5 years down the road.
It's definitely a sweet memory.
An opening experience if I were to say it.
And with that, I end this post.
Thank you so much.
:)
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
Monday, May 30, 2016
2015/16 Sem 2 Results
3.92
A- GEH1034
B+ MA1101R
B+ PC1143 (seriously I thought will be like B- lol)
B PC 1144 (seriously I thought will be better)
B THAI2202 (SERIOUSLY might as well don't take thai anymore)
Hahahaha.
Mixed feelings mixed feelings.
It's considered a good result if I climbed as per normal.
But no I didn't climb and I really think it could be better.
3 unexpected results out of the 5.
But oh well.
If this is the best that I can get, then I probably won't put as much effort for the next 3 years.
Sighhhhhhh.
But okay la.
Nothing to complain about actually.
Physics is tough.
Thai is steep.
Getting a grade like that I guess isn't not too bad.
Just thought it could be a LITTLE better.
Like I expected a 4.1.
But wew,
Kena pull down by 44 and 2202 which if I get B+ too then wow 4.1.
Hahahaha.
Okay yup, that's my results.
IT'S JUST NUMBERS.
(Probably can say this cause I'm feeling alright.)
Don't think I will end the post with "Guess I'm going to work harder next sem"
Because I worked my ass off and this is the results.
Sooooooooooooo, gonna climb harder next sem.
Hope everyone did well~
Saturday, May 28, 2016
Feels like I've got a lot to say
But it just gets withdrawn when I see you.
And I don't know what to say.
Ingredients for clarity
3 Somersby Apple Cider
1 Jager Bomb
1 Lemon Shot
1 Jim Bean Coke
1 Gas Chamber
3 Harry Potter
Plus GMAX
And a great sleep.
Thanks for the night Chin Yue and Wilfred!
Feeling this weird sense of calm now.
Maybe it will kick in soon.
Maybe the gas chamber haven't wear off.
*edit wew didn't even remembered i blogged last night lol
Bar hopping
Friday, May 27, 2016
Hmmm
I don't think it was a good way to think.
And it probably will never be.
But just somehow finding myself associated with it every time I'm having too much thoughts.
And the next day.
Crash.
Crash as if something was missing within.
Feels empty.
Feels weird.
Feels as if the thoughts are slowly refilling after pouring it out last night.
And tonight, it shall be gone yet again.
And the cycle repeats.
This seems all too familiar.
I need to take a step back and look at all these again.
Too much happenings.
In a short period of time.
Please think.
Entangled brain
Waiting for it to untangle and get properly rebooted.
Need one so badly.
Or maybe I just think too much.
Reading through my twitter when suddenly,
Thursday, May 26, 2016
Round 1
What would round 2 be?
Hmmmmmmmmmm
Thanks for the night Chin Yue.
Always there to count on.
BUT WOW.
FIRST EVER HAT TRICK.
26/5/2016.
LOL
If you're wondering, it's darts.
Hahaha.
Dota time.
Wew.
Thanks for being happy
Great dinner.
But just can't express myself lately.
Why hadn't I just asked?
It's just "Do you wanna talk?
I don't know. Sometimes, it feels like a constant battle within.
Struggling with my own thoughts.
Balancing decisions and things to say every moment in time.
It's not as if I really don't know what you're thinking about.
I just don't know how and where to place myself in your timeline.
And I guess that's why I'm trying to learn more.
I guess this would be what I would say when you asked 怎么了
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
Thoughts after thoughts.
Monday, May 23, 2016
State of mind
I don't think I can give you the answer you want anytime soon.
Maybe I'll get an answer when you're uncontactable.
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Morning blur
Did I just board the bus without tapping?
Quite a heavy mind for the morning.
Work work work
Saturday, May 21, 2016
Realisation
Hahahaha.
ANYWAY, was working at KFC.
YES KFC.
As a "Sjora promoter"
Sounds legit right promoter.
But end up working behind the counter like a KFC staff.
HAHAHA.
Was kind of weird.
But no la I did not like take order and stuffs.
But to be honest time past super fast.
Okay not really SUPER but at least you have things to do all the time.
Repetitive as it is but yeah money man.
But oh well, only two days.
And then Monday to Friday 9-6 job.
STOCK TAKE?
Don't even know what I got myself into.
But hopefully can earn some small pocket money for myself.
Or maybe start saving up for my own exchange in year 3.
That will be nice.
Won't be a burden.
But yeah today Wei Lun and Joey Chiew came to look for me.
LOL bastard they just keep laughing.
But ya I can imagine if Wei Lun worked at KFC I confirm laugh also.
HAHAHA.
But okay la not bad.
Quite an interesting day.
Other than the fact that I didn't bring my phone out.
WEW.
I thought I lost it or some guy stole it.
Luckily I got to borrow a phone from this random stranger and called back home to check.
Maybe just a little too much thoughts for the morning.
Hahahaha.
Good night guys.
Friday, May 20, 2016
Sometimes
But I guess sometimes it just overspills.
And comes out like a popcorn machine.
At least I have the wind to blow away my troubles.
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Monday, May 16, 2016
Maybe
Maybe it's just the alcohol that made the words resonate with such intensity.
But nevertheless, I feel that we should talk it out.
And hopefully even without the alcohol I'll be thinking like how I am now.
I want to know you.
Not what you appear to be.
And I'm sorry for the abruptness.
Saturday, May 14, 2016
Thanks
It kind of feels as if the blur has been lifted.
And I'm glad that I could just say all these out.
Felt like years since I've talked like that.
Well, it really was years I guess hahaha.
Really really thankful for that 1 hour 27 minutes.
Thank you :)
Thursday, May 12, 2016
Hmmmm
Sooooo...
Some updates about life.
Just came back from Bangkok four days ago?
Could say it was kind of enjoyable.
Speaking Thai to locals was fun.
Eating good food was fun.
Massaging was fun.
Spending time with friends was fun.
Sitting tuktuk with chin yue and talking about life was fun.
Yeah I guessed it was fun.
It was fun because I could get my mind off for some things for awhile.
Lying down on the playground yet againnnn.
Which means deep thoughts and reflections about life.
Could really use a drink right now.
But I'm so damn broke.
Which is partly the reason why I'm finding job now.
Gg back suntec on the 17th.
Tuition starts on the 18th.
It'll be great if I can find one more kid.
Really damn broke omg.
I cannot take it.
But well life is still great I guess.
Still bothered about certain things you know.
Kind of glad I got to know a new person.
As much as it's troubling at times.
I really do enjoy the times spent the past few days or weeks?
But I really don't know what this is.
Like a "where do we go from here?"
I know time will be the answer.
But I guess time is not as reliable as it seems.
7 years.
Didn't really give me an answer too.
There's just some things in your heart that you want to clear up but your brain tells you not to bother.
Because sometimes it's nice just like that.
But I don't know whether I'm doing the wrong thing.
Because I'm unsure myself.
I don't know what's happening to be honest.
But yet again, maybe this time , time will tell.
Just accidentally felt my right middle finger.
The pen lump.
The scar you get from writing too much things.
Just suddenly recalled the horrendous time preparing for finals.
And wow in a blink for an eye, it's been a semester away from the last finals.
Which means it's been a semester away since I broke my shin.
The thought of the scene is definitely still etched in my mind.
Sometimes scrolling through instagram posts about climbing, especially natural bouldering.
I get that shiver down my spine.
As if my mind was brought back to the exact place of incident again.
It haunts.
But I'm pretty sure I'm about to get back to climbing again.
Have been living a really unhealthy lifestyle since I broke my shin.
0 exercising.
No motivation.
No interest in shit.
Just living everyday as if it's granted to me.
Not really making use of my time wisely.
I guess some friends will just get tired of me one day.
Because it seems that I have all the troubling issues all the time.
Then people won't understand.
And if people try to understand, they get tired.
And wew friendship lost.
And knowing me, I'm not the sort who will really try to find back that lost friendship.
If it's lost it will be lost.
Unless there are efforts shown from the other side.
But oh well, I'm thinking too much again.
Maybe you're thinking "wa this weepin, blog for so many years still like same pattern. Few days only got new problem."
I guess it's because I tend to put too much thoughts into things.
It's just me.
Lol.
So to conclude this post, I guess I'm just a little lost right now.
And I need to drink.
And I need to work to get money for that drink.
HAHAHA.
Nah just kidding.
Don't think the alcoholic me will come back so soon.
But wow, still amazed by how life can still be so up and down even at the age of 22.
Thinking of when this will stop and start getting stable (mundane).
Oh no, is it adulthood and society eating into me.
I scared.
Hahaha okay fking random post.
Good night all.
:))
Thursday, May 5, 2016
5.20 am
I guess it's really time for a good break.
Break from all these stressful situations.
Time to get my head off and find out what really matters when I get back.
Wished the trip would be longer but oh well. Guess it would be still worth going to bkk.
Hahaha gonna put my Thai 2 into use.
Then wah every time go there my Thai improve Hahahaha.
I guess what I'm feeling now is just relieved.
Relieved that finals are finally over.
Finally done with schrodinger equation and the quantum world.
Done with all these unsolvable integration and differentation.
No more maths.
Just pure emptying of the mind.
And enjoying what life after finals got to bring me.
I think kind of mixed emotions right now.
And I'm really looking forward to seeing things from new perspective when I come back.
This sem has been weirdly amazing.
And I guess this trip signifies the end of the academic year.
And till my next post.......
Sawasdee khrap Singapore.
Bkk phom maa leew!!!
555555
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
Well
Yet another day .
I think we know it all.
But the words that come out are always what our subconscious are thinking about.
It's like a state of mutual pretence.
I don't think I have a conclusion for all that had happened yet.
I know it's not easy for you.
And I bet you know it's difficult for me too.
I'm sorry if I ever placed you in an undesirable situation.
I know I shouldn't have done all that I did.
But our subconscious is sometimes stronger than what we think we actually are.
It digs me in deep.
It stops me from thinking.
And I don't even know whether you can see things from my perspective.
Don't think you will probably read this but tomorrow will be a new day.
It's a new beginning.
And when the clock strikes 3 it's a decision to be made.
Can't say that all that had happened was a dream after all.
It still happened in space and time.
It's part of a memory.
It will be.
And when the clock strikes 3...
Sunday, May 1, 2016
Lost
One last paper.
But I'm not really doing my best I feel.
I got distracted.
I felt like I've gotten very much influenced.
I don't know how to feel or how to act.
Maybe I should stop before it gets too bad.
I know I should..
But part of me feels the opposite.
This continuous inner fight is real.
And that makes me feel unreal.
It feels like a dream.
That is happening too fast.
My mind can't catch up with what's happening.
Maybe I'm actually scared.
I'm shaking at the thought.
It really feels like a fast paced dream.
Stuck in this lucidity.
But I know I have a choice to get out.
Or continue living in this dream.
A mixture of true inner realism and a veil of disguise.
This is what I am feeling.
So what should I do?
Thursday, April 28, 2016
One last paper and some thoughts
Finished two papers yesterday and the day before yesterday.
First paper was okay but I think the second paper quite good.
Hahahaha.
So last paper on 3rd may which is next Tuesday.
There's just so many thoughts in my mind that I need to spill it out.
This exam thing had sucked so much away from me.
But hopefully when results are out, the hard work will pay off.
This sem definitely feels better than previous sem.
Be it because I don't climb this sem, or because last sem was still trying to adjust to uni life after NS.
But yeah, feel better than previous sem.
And there's just this thing that has been on my mind.
There's too much familiarity in this.
Familiarity but little similarity.
I don't know what I am feeling.
Or what is going on.
But all I know that this feels too familiar and it's kind of scary.
And I have no confidence to do anything more than just this.
Afraid it'll just be another temporal thought.
I know I miss this kind of feeling.
And I also know that I shouldn't be placing too much brain into the heart.
But I highly doubt anything will happen.
It's probably just temporary.
It doesn't really make me think back but it's just there.
Something is there.
And I am kind of lost because of the exam stress adding up.
And probably it's the exam stress that all these thoughts are happening.
I really do miss that feeling.
But I do not want to let this get the better of me.
I feel like a predator now.
Without a functioning brain.
Think. Think. Think.
Don't just let your heart sway.
Hold it down.
But deep down inside I know it's hard.
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
For one more day
"I had no one to talk me out of my despair, and that was a mistake. You need to keep people close. You need to give them access to your heart."
Friday, April 15, 2016
Rain
I've probably mentioned several times why I like rainy days.
I think the rain sometimes serve as my cleansing tool.
It refreshes my inner self.
Makes me think of how am I as a person and the people around me in my life.
It stops me from thinking about work and makes me continue my undone reflections from the previous session.
The world outside seems to slow down more.
And people seem to appreciate each other more.
While the world inside becomes warmer than any other time.
Humans seemed to be closer when it rains.
I guess the rain also has the ability to wash away this judgemental spectacles.
I really find it amazing how this weather slows down the pace of life.
It makes me reflect about my past doings.
And tells me what I've been doing right or wrong.
Who's truthful and who's not.
It clears up all the ambiguity I have.
Maybe I was too harsh.
Maybe I was giving too less fucks about certain things.
And maybe I was giving too much fucks about other things.
Though it may sound therapeutic, the rain also seems to seep through the cracks of the rocks.
Uncovering all the dirts within.
But I'm still thankful it does that.
Makes me feel alive and real.
And the wonderful thing is all these thoughts just pops and drift away when the rain stops.
And it will be temporarily deserted till the next rainy day.
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
Monday, April 11, 2016
Cyue room
Hello gaizzzz.
It's a Sunday night and I'm quite pleased and chill.
Except for the fact that I still need to finish my lab when I reach home.
So yeahhhh.
Cyue sort of reminded me to blog so here is it.
Spent my weekends over at cyue room.
Both Saturday and Sunday.
Was pretty conducive I must say.
Don't know whether I spell conducive right Hahahaha.
But anyway yeah, it was really nice to study there.
Nice big table with a table light.
Quiet and air conditioned .
And good friend.
HAHAHAHA.
Next week there would be oral and written for my Thai.
Oh and math mat lab quiz.
But yeah next week is the last week of school!!!!
Much excites.
So after chionging hard for Thai, I have around 14 days to chiong for two paper.
And another 7 for my last subject. Hahaha.
I guess life is pretty mundane now therefore the low number of posts.
It's really quite a tiring sem but I really hope it'll be worth the hard work in the end.
If this amount of hard work still doesn't show any results, I guess I will spend more time on other stuffs.
Hahahaha.
Mundane life oh so mundane.
Can't wait for finals to be over.
I wanna drawwww.
Been so long since I drew something. Lolol.
And work.
Make some cool ah beng ah lian friends.
HAHAHAHA.
BUT YEAH.
I think I'm quite negative.
Like after finishing my paper on Friday, I was actually stressing over my Thai paper on Tuesday.
Then I'm actually thinking now that after summer break it's school again.
Then to make it more exaggerated, after school it's work again.
Wew.
Need to remind myself the concept of "enjoying the present" more.
I think I'm giving myself too much pressure on things I don't put as much priority on.
To think about it, the depressed period seemed to be a lost period for me but I seriously think this is the lost period of time.
Doing things without seeing the reason.
Sighhhh.
Fuck i should stop being so negative.
Girls don't like negative guys.
HAHAHAHAHA.
Ahhahahaha.
Okay.
That's about it.
Once again wanna thanks cyue for the room and food and darts and gerbil and drinks and everything la.
Hahahaha.
See you soooonnnnn.
Maybe May got problem then can drink and emo.
Or izzit CELEBRATE?!?
HAHAHA.
Good bye readers. Have a good week 13.
Or have a good week if you're in army.
Lolol.
Bye
Friday, April 8, 2016
Wew
1 mod downnnnnn.
Wew.
Time for hardcore thai week.
Thai songs Thai writing Thai speaking Thai food.
Lolol.
Freedom is 1/5 completed.
Saturday, April 2, 2016
Break
Gonna take a break from studying.
This studying thing has sucked me in so deep.
Kind of lost.
Wew.
Shall go and find my refresher orb from some drinks.
Heheheh
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
Just some thoughts
Once you know him well enough, you will know all his flaws.
And it comes to a decision of acceptance.
Whether to keep this person in your life by accepting all the flaws, or just let time do the separation.
Monday, March 28, 2016
Repetitions
This semester is coming to an end soon.
In other words finals are coming soon.
Have been leading a very repetitive life these few days or maybe even weeks.
Let's just go through my week to see for myself that this is true.
Monday wake up, go school, go for lessons, stay at yih to study until dinner time, after dinner continue studying, stay over in zw's room.
Tuesday wake up for Thai lessons early in the morning, complaining to myself why life is so tiring and boring, get over it after Thai lessons. Go for all the tutorials that I never attempt, then GEH lecture with william, or watching dota videos together, go for my 1144 lecture and either understand a little or nothing at all, feel bad but it's dinner time. After dinner, study at yih until shiok then head home. Either alone or with cel. Dota a few rounds and sleep very late.
Wednesday, wake up late but shiok, have lunch in hougang green. Decide whether to go school and study or just laze at home. But the whole day feels quite good until it's about night time because there's 8am the next day.
Thursday, contemplate about life again. Motivate myself to be optimistic about life, comforting myself that life is beautiful. CUSCADEN THURSDAYS MAYBE. Sleep late.
Friday, wake up late cause school starts at 2pm. But feels shag nevertheless, always fall asleep in 1144 lecture even though sleep so long. Think of all the shit I have to do before the next week. Feels scared and unmotivated, but fuck it, #tgif. And feels so much better.
Weekends, described as the most procrastinations ever made in the week. Mixture of dota, studying and maybe catching up with friends (but no, I need to do work) instead of meeting with friends, meet friends in dota instead. Wew. Rush my lab reports, Thai hw, mastering physics, and more random assignments here and there. And think about life. Reflect about how life is so boring. And concluding that no girls are interested in me cause of this. Lolol. But idgaf so end up more dota. Sleep late.
Monday, feels like shit. Cause Monday. Cause fucking Monday.
If you're reading this on a Monday, congrats, you just understood how I am feeling now. And probably what you are feeling too.
So this is university life.
AKA QLC
Monday, March 21, 2016
Some motivation
Wew.
Last week was such a chill week.
It was so chill that I became very lazy.
But it was a week that allowed me to realise my distractions.
YouTube, Facebook, 9gag, Dota, Clash Royale.
You name it, the list gets longer.
Mid term results were out and it wasn't up to my expectations at all.
Scoring averages and below averages.
And I just blame it on the fact that other people are too smart and I'm not up for this shit.
But to be honest, I think I am just not as efficient as compared to those high scoring people.
So moral of the story is...
I GET DISTRACTED TOO EASILY.
So, why slight motivation?
Finals are really catching up fast.
Syllabus are ending real soon.
I feel the need to catch up to my snowball first before I can get above the edge.
But at least now I know my problems and hopefully this allow me to catch up with the snowball.
After this week, I want to work my hardest.
To really see how far I can go.
If my best is really lousy after this sem's finals results are out, then for the next three years I guess I will stop bothering as much.
This sem will be a gauge.
To how much I should put in.
And how much expectations I should give myself.
Expectations always lead to disappointment.
Then I guess to be happy, I need to revert the disappointment to appreciation.
Learn to appreciate my lousy grades and learn to appreciate the knowledge I've gained.
I think that's enough.
But yet again, this does not mean conceding defeat to my major.
It's just another way of viewing this education system.
I recalled the feeling of not having to submit my lab just cause I forgot about it.
And it felt so bad.
Like wtf, I did finish it but I forgot to submit.
It feels like a total waste of time.
But the moment I realised about it, I was on my way to drink with a couple of good friends.
And it just made me think.
Results are really just this small pi in the pi chart of life.
To be happier in life, we shouldn't worry so much about the small pis.
So what if you get a cap 3.1 for the previous sem.
So what if you get a cap 5.0 for the previous sem.
It does not mean that your whole life is gonna revolve around this number.
Consider how significant "this thing you are sad with" is as compared to the past happenings over your 20+ years old life that you've live with.
Does this feel as if your troubles became smaller less significant?
If I were to put it into more visual form, imagine two pi charts.
On the left, this pi chart depicts your priorities in life.
How important it is leads to a larger percentage on the pi chart.
And on the right, this pi chart depicts how much effort you are putting into the individual components.
Most would find that the pi don't match.
At least for me I know it doesn't match.
Things like family and relationships on the left pi are of greater significance.
However, on the right pi it seems to not reflect as well.
But instead, school work comes above all.
I think its really a good time to reflect about this two pi.
And I believe that if we are able to match our true priorities with how much effort we are putting in, i.e , the two pi having the same percentage in the different priorities, we will find that life will be more satisfying don't you think so?
So to be honest, when I'm talking about motivation, I'm not just talking about how I should stop getting distracted and start doing work.
It's more of like I decided to match my priorities with my effort more.
Work is really scary as it has a side effect of blurring the left pi.
So if you're reading this, give this two pi some thoughts.
Maybe you are doing well in life as you think you aren't.
Or maybe it could be the other way round where you think you're doing fine.
Give some thoughts for your pis.
Life of pi.
Wew
Sunday, March 13, 2016
Dat comment tho
MT
Feeling so MT.
Lost the fire for almost everything.
Wonder if it's temporal.
Past few days or maybe weeks have been a rush.
Getting all my concepts right.
And then came assignments.
Hardly have any time to breathe.
It's just tiring to be spending so much time on this.
Will it be worth it in the end?
I really ponder about this.
Spending more than half of my time studying.
Losing the most primal mode of life.
To live.
Waking up with thoughts of how much you have to do.
Every waking day is just about motivating yourself hoping it would be over soon.
But it piles and it piles hard.
Never ending bullshit.
What would my future self comment about all these troubles?
Would he let me know that he regret working hard for seemingly nothing?
Or would he be glad I have went through this phase of life.
So the problem is I don't have a future self to comment on my current state.
And sometimes it's just a line between being empty and being lost.
Isn't it a little too early that we are losing it in our twenties.
Isn't it too early for us to worry?
Sometimes it just feels that we haven't enjoyed ourselves enough to be going through this.
Or am I just having delusions about what living is about?
I'm skeptical about life ahead.
And I guess it is probably the reason why.
Because there's no concrete, sustainable goal.
Feel like a kid without directions.
But the feeling that I'm an adult to myself.
I have to make my own decisions.
Which path to take.
What should I do.
Who should I trust.
I guess growing up was never meant to be easy.
And hopefully these challenges forge a better future for myself.
I don't think I'm tired.
Just lost that motivation.
Feels aimless.
It's about time to reorganize these thoughts.
And relight that fire.
Here we go again.
All over again.
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
I miss a more active lifestyle
I really do.
Can't wait to get this leg back.
Seeing all the international climber's post on instagram ain't helping.
All I can do now is study.
But the results so far aren't reflecting the effort I put into studying.
It's getting really annoying.
I don't like this current life.
Sigh.
Dota.
Rust.
Just another day
It's just one of these days.
Feel so stress when I can't solve some question.
Then when I stop, I just think of life.
It's also one of these days.
When I wish that I was better with words.
Some time it's easy to think about it.
But when it comes to actual doing, it just falls.
And there's also this thing that seem to blockade the brain.
Thoughts get stuck.
Hands stop typing the text message.
Backspaces and cancellation.
Can't get past that block.
Just what do you want to say.
Is that so ridiculously difficult?
Maybe you're just afraid of how it might turn out.
But it's been really really long.
You're in this imaginary spatial part of me again.
That seem to have the capability to move me back to the past.
Where things were simpler.
Life was greener.
And through this comparing, life always seemed to be darker now.
Bring me back.
But this time,
Not through time.
Friday, March 4, 2016
She found out
All hell broke loose.
Inevitable explanation coming my way.
I don't have a good feeling about this.
Bad start to a Friday.
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
The red slide
I swear this is one of the most thought provoking area.
Best place to reflect about life.
Life has been fine for me.
Studying is really getting quite mundane.
It feels like a never ending process.
But learning how the universe functions due to equations, it's really quite satisfying sometimes to understand physics.
I'm quite glad that I am enjoying what I am studying honestly.
But the down side of it is that I don't think my grades will ever do justice to this passion for knowledge.
Yet and yet again, I've been wondering how important grades are to us.
But I'll always have this conclusion that the numbers don't matter.
It's really long since I've lied down here staring at the sky.
It's hypnotizing.
The sky might be different everyday, but this red slide that I'm lying on seems to be a constant.
I could feel all the confusion I felt before I entered university.
I could feel my heart broken self.
I could feel the depression I had.
Yet, I could feel the feeling of truth in myself.
I could hear all the voices in my head.
Telling me that I need to lead a free life.
I could also hear the disappointment in my parents' voices.
It's an overwhelming emotion.
I could only feel myself drifting away from reality when I lay here.
But it does bring me back to a certain extent when I leave.
It feels good.
My worries are dissolved.
And when I stand up from this red slide now, I know part of my negative thoughts will stay with this slide.
Not all but it's something.
No wonder I feel so strongly when I lie down here again.
I get reminded.
Saturday, February 27, 2016
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Saturday, February 20, 2016
Cooldown
Monday, February 15, 2016
I don't know
But is it just me that feel like that the older we grow,
The more often we tend to take a step back and look at yourself from a third person point of view.
I tend to start judging myself.
Looking at myself and analysing whether I'm a good person or a good friend etc.
Whether what I am doing is beneficial to my community or just pure time wasting bullshit.
Hahahaha.
But it's quite nice when I realised that "Oh, what I'm doing is actually quite bastard."
And then I sort of change for the better.
But anything too much is always bad for oneself.
I mean it sort of makes me more cautious of my own actions.
And that kind of translates to unreal relations with the people around me.
Still learning how to strike that balance.
Struggle
Struggle.
If only we can borrow endorphins from the past.
Every day would seem less demanding.
Tired Monday.
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Sunday, February 7, 2016
After all this while
Saturday, February 6, 2016
wew
Guess these period of time has just been listening to people's problem but honestly I wanted to speak my problems out.
BUT SINCE IT'S OUT, IT'S A LITTLE BETTER.
I think it's just the sense of guilt?
Idk, and probably heavy confusion.
But nevertheless, thanks Ferran for listening.
Was contemplating whether to say my problems out since I've never told him about anything.
But I guess it wasn't a wrong decision to do so.
Ferran's a good listener.
No wonder so many girl friends.
HAHAHA.
KKKKKK
Dota
Friday, February 5, 2016
It's been so long
And then I think again, the way I'm walking now is actually pretty fucked up hahahaha.
PLEASE DO YOUR PHYSIO.
Dog.
Anyways,
Recently managed to catch up with my work.
At least things are not snowballing.
And I'm glad that so far, up till week 4, things are still alright.
I am pretty glad that the Wednesday free day thing is kind of working.
It refreshes the week.
Ready for the second half of the week.
So it's pretty chill.
But other than getting a TGIT (Thank god it's Tuesday)
I also get a "Thursday's Blue"
So it's a give and take I must say.
But I'm loving the free day hahaha.
Yeah so other than school work, my priorities in life are somehow drifting away.
It's like me playing dota yesterday night.
And I sucked.
And I was like saying "I think my CAP improving that's why becoming lousier"
HAHAHA.
But on a more serious note, been spending quite more effort in school work than previous semester.
This has made me focus less on myself and the people around me.
I should stop using my leg as an excuse.
Saying it's hard to travel blah blah.
If someone asked you right now, "What's the thing you want to do the most right now?"
What would be your answer?
Why aren't you doing it?
And for me I think the answer is to recover my leg as fast as possible.
But looking at what I'm doing everyday.
I'm hardly spending anytime trying to rehab this leg of mine.
And so from this 3 questions that I just asked myself, I shall put more time into my leg.
Hopefully I can start exercising soon.
And by exercising I guess it's just climbing.
I DO MISS CLIMBING ALOT.
Dang.
Doesn't help watching climbing videos late at night sometimes.
Shall go for lecture.
Hahahha.
Got pretty girl sitting same table as me.
:OOOOOO
Blogging this outside S17 hahaha.
Naise.
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
Something is missing
Or rather maybe since school starts.
Have been trying to psyched myself for a good grade semester almost everyday.
But it's starting to get tiring.
Whenever I am on my way home feeling tired mentally, with all the physics equation and concepts filling my mind, I feel as if something is missing.
I looked at a man sitting on the train.
He was formally dressed.
A straight up businessman just from a glimpse.
He was sitting there, with his ear piece on.
His eyes were closed.
He was really drained from that day's work.
His head was slightly tilted upwards.
Bobbing up and down together with the train's shaking.
How different am I from him?
Tired from a long day of thinking or work.
And what's the purpose of all this hard work for.
I still don't see it.
And I guess that's why my psych to do something is always temporary.
But still, there's also another part of me that feels obliged to doing what every one is doing.
My parents.
Whenever I see kids with their parents, I will think of both my parents.
Knowing that they have and are still putting in their fullest for me.
Looking at how some kids throw tantrum or cry in public, it makes me think my parents probably went through some shit to bring me up .
To an age of 22 this year.
This number reminds me that my parents are not young already.
They have pumped in so much time for the three sons.
I shouldn't waste their effort.
But yet at the same time I also feel like I shouldn't be wasting my time.
And that's the struggle I feel everyday when I wake up.
I wonder if it's only me that feel this way.
And the conclusion I make to myself is yes it's only me.
And that probably explains why I always feel like shit because no body understands.
Not even myself.