MT

Feeling so MT.

Lost the fire for almost everything.
Wonder if it's temporal.
Past few days or maybe weeks have been a rush.
Getting all my concepts right.
And then came assignments.
Hardly have any time to breathe.
It's just tiring to be spending so much time on this.
Will it be worth it in the end?
I really ponder about this.
Spending more than half of my time studying.
Losing the most primal mode of life.
To live.
Waking up with thoughts of how much you have to do.
Every waking day is just about motivating yourself hoping it would be over soon.
But it piles and it piles hard.
Never ending bullshit.
What would my future self comment about all these troubles?
Would he let me know that he regret working hard for seemingly nothing?
Or would he be glad I have went through this phase of life.
So the problem is I don't have a future self to comment on my current state.
And sometimes it's just a line between being empty and being lost.
Isn't it a little too early that we are losing it in our twenties.
Isn't it too early for us to worry?
Sometimes it just feels that we haven't enjoyed ourselves enough to be going through this.
Or am I just having delusions about what living is about?
I'm skeptical about life ahead.
And I guess it is probably the reason why.
Because there's no concrete, sustainable goal.
Feel like a kid without directions.
But the feeling that I'm an adult to myself.
I have to make my own decisions.
Which path to take.
What should I do.
Who should I trust.
I guess growing up was never meant to be easy.
And hopefully these challenges forge a better future for myself.
I don't think I'm tired.
Just lost that motivation.
Feels aimless.
It's about time to reorganize these thoughts.
And relight that fire.
Here we go again.
All over again.