That comfort

Is lost and well hidden.
From other's conversations.

Im sorry

If nothing has evoked this feeling,
maybe this pain would never have existed.
Things would have been so plain,
as if nothing happened.

Sometimes

I feel that it's not a healthy comparison.
To see who's less cared for / who's less forgotten.
We only have ourself to pick ourself up.

Walked out of the house

I didn't know how the conversation became anger.
And I didn't know how it just keeps building up.
I just needed some alone time from all that has happened in India.
I ain't ready to listen to you go non stop about you caring about me and as if I don't know that.
I'm sorry I walked out of the house.
And it sucks because I can't use Chinese to explain to you the pain of what I'm feeling about everything.
About not caring about anything, the freedom I felt when I was in India.
The lack of care, the lack of concern.
That's when I truly understand that I need to care for myself more.
The last night in Hampi, I cried because of you.
I cried because I wasn't a good enough son.
I cried because I couldn't communicate with you about the pain I've felt about this world and the people around me.
I cried because there's so much things that has happened since growing up that I needed to deal with myself .
It's not anything that you can help me with.
And I know that your caring is enough.
But sometimes seriously, it's too much and I'm suffocating.
I'm fcking 23 years old.
I have a mind of my own.
Stop trapping me and making me feel like a bad kid as if I don't know about it.
Stop reminding me about how much you care for me because it just reminds me of how little I've done for you in return.
I'm sorry that I'm the anomaly of the family.
And it really really sucks to be that way.
I wish I could show you this post and somehow miraculously you can understand me but no.
And maybe that's why I cried so hard on the last night.
Because I knew that I need to face you again.
And be that unfilial son that never ever thought about your well intentions.
I'm sorry.
That I walked out.
This whole physical action of me leaving the house isn't helping the fact that I'm grown up and I don't want you to worry so much about me.
But then again, I've hurt you too many times.
I don't think I'll ever be able to return you in anyways.
I'm sorry that my head got out of hand at home.

And bam

you appeared right in my face.
So glad to see that you're okay.
Was about to break.
I don't know what you're thinking about.
And it scares me so real bad.
I'm just hoping that you won't have to deal with a crazy dude like me on top of your things.

Alcohol broke the silence

The pain seeped through all the cracks.

And right out from inside.

Maybe silence was the better alternative.

I spoke too much.

Let's just leave this like that.

Fuck.

Another love

I wanna take you somewhere so you know I care
But it's so cold and I don't know where
I brought you daffodils in a pretty string
But they won't flower like they did last spring

And I wanna kiss you, make you feel alright
I'm just so tired to share my nights
I wanna cry and I wanna love
But all my tears have been used up

On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up

Oh oh 
And if somebody hurts you, I wanna fight
But my hands been broken, one too many times
So I'll use my voice, I'll be so fucking rude
Words they always win, but I know I'll lose

And I'd sing a song, that'd be just ours
But I sang 'em all to another heart
And I wanna cry I wanna learn to love
But all my tears have been used up

On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up

Oh oh 
(Oh, need a love, now, my heart is thinking of)
I wanna sing a song, that'd be just ours
But I sang 'em all to another heart
And I wanna cry, I wanna fall in love
But all my tears have been used up

On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up oh oh

It's been quite some time

Since a route gave me such anxiousness / fear.
Like the first thing when I woke up is "You haven't sent that route"
Even when I'm studying just now, it just keeps popping out in my head.
Not sure whether it's the right choice to try the route again just now.
It made my skin hurt and also made me feel so frustrated.
And then after frustration came all the self inducing pain.
Sigh.
Just let me link it soon.

Khon Kaen V2

Keep thinking about this route while I'm studying.
It's been a while since I've got a project in mind.
But wew, I hate it when it isn't the route that is very hard.
It's the mind playing tricks on me whenever I climb that route.
2 sessions and still counting.
Skin really raw af.
Shall try it again tomorrow after my paper.
Arghhhhh.

Going mad

Don't know what I'm trying to do.

Seriously, don't talk when you're like this.

It's not something people want to hear.

Period.

There's this place

Called Chaos.
Once you've been there, you won't ever be pure again.
As much as you can run far away from it, it'd be deeply etched.

Maybe simplicity is all I need

Saw two groups of kids on the train towards school.
One group was white and from an international school.
The other was local.
They just started talking to each other on the train about favourite basketball players etc.
And it's surprising how they have common topics to even talk about.
What made me smile was when the small white boy tried to steal the basketball from the other group.
And he said "Let's play basketball together or something. And we can have some cake afterwards. It'd be dope! I can borrow money from my mother to buy the cake!"



Maybe it is about the simplicity of life.

Finals

Not sure what I doing.
I know the stress will kick in soon.

Why does it seem like

the people I care the most always get angry at me for fuck reason.
Fuck all of you.

Worrying for someone

You know for me, sometimes I feel like a day isn't complete without worrying enough for the people around me.
It's like I feel bad for not worrying enough for them.
And I'll just start to add in additional things that I need to worry for them.
And then also sometimes feel the pain for these people when I "haven't worry enough" for them.
As if no one cares for them if I don't care.
It's quite a daily struggle for me especially at the end of a tiring day.
When you want to rest your head from all the things that have been happening.
There's no such a switch where I can turn off and bam, I just stop worrying for them.
But what else can I do?
Sometimes I imagine my worrying for them actually made them feel less alone in certain situations.
But sometimes I don't do anything in reality when I worry.
Which contradicts because they wouldn't know that I'm worrying for them.

But there are days when I'm just too tired to worry.
But I feel very bad that I don't the next morning.
What if something bad happened to them?
What if they needed me to ask them whether they were okay?
Then I'll fault myself for not caring that night.

I don't know man.

Those alcoholic nights

The darkness I felt together with the deepest pain of everyone on that table.
I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself tonight.
It's just that why can't I just be normal throughout the whole time.
That was a painful smile to give.
And I almost broke down on the uber back.
I'm lucky I didn't.
I think the thoughts that affect me the most are those pain that I've inflicted onto others.
I felt the pain which I left on people.
I'm not denying the fact that it was intensified through alcohol.
But it's always there.
I'm sorry to all of you.

Need to climb it off again.

But today's climb with shiyu was nice.
Though it was a short hour or so.
Thanks for the psyche.

Day 10

10 consecutive days of climbing.

My fingers are screaming for me to stop.

But it's not louder than the screams inside yet.

And hence, the days will continue to count.

And you know when you put so much shit into something, and just one mistake to make everything fall apart.

In the past, I used to wonder how could people be so affected by climbing.

Or rather wonder about how painful it is to not be able to climb well.

And I tend to see their problems as small as compared to what's going on in my head on a day to day basis.

But I've come to realise that someone's problem might not be small even if it seems small to you.

And I shouldn't belittle theirs.

I could feel them trying to fight free.

Especially when my wrist started to hurt and my split just makes me unable to climb anything.

And I need to contain them.

Before they start getting out of hand and causing unnecessary commotion to people who I hold dear.

They almost broke out of the gate today.

I almost screamed at the wall or just run to the toilet and let them out.

I'm lucky nothing of this happened.

And I'm sorry to you.

I didn't expect to upset you in anyway.

Maybe I shouldn't try to be funny especially when my head is exploding.

And fuck, I don't even want to blog about any of this.

Just gonna climb it off tomorrow.

Please be good.

I'll neutralise you. 

What's happening

Where has emotions gone to?
Why ain't I feeling things?

But you know what this feels like?
It's like the retreating of the shorelines.
And it'll come like a tsunami.

Finding my float now.

Lift

Walked back home after a tiring day of climbing, setting and studying.

When I was nearing home, just thought to myself it'd be nice to go home and chill.

Have some snacks and enjoy my night.

Lift was at 2nd floor and so I waited.

Lift came.

I walked in, pressed my floor and everything was just as normal.

Door closed.

The lift started shaking a lil.

And then it started oscillating up and down like crazy.

The lift was rumbling with its mechanics and it felt like I was hung on a thin thread.

It continued shaking up and down with loud metallic sound as if I was on a giant baby hanging bed.

I thought to myself, was it going to stop and black out.

If it did stop and black out I would actually calm down.

However, it continued shaking for I don't know how long and the lift display showed that I was still at the first floor.

My hands were pushing on to the side of the lift, trying to get my balance because every time it went down it was almost like a free fall.

It was as if I'm on a trampoline.

After awhile, I felt like the lift was going higher and higher.

And I thought that thin thread was going to break and I'm going to fall down together with the lift and die.

I really thought I was going to die or suffer some fucking bad injury.

And my mind flashed to the youtube video I watched about falling from an elevator.

And I was about to lie down on my belly when the lift door opened.

I was on the second floor but the lift floor and the 'lobby' was uneven.

It was almost like a 30cm step up.

I jumped out from the lift, yes I literally did, and I could still feel the shaking even when I was standing on stable ground.

I watched the lift door close and the lift continued going up with the muffled rumbles and it stopped at 3rd floor.

And I was just there trying to understand the fact that I almost could have died sitting that lift.

I literally thought I was going to die.

The fear I felt.

Unforgettable.

Still shaking from it.

Fuck.

Battle of the demons

When two demons looked at one.

Waiting for his answers.

If he made the wrong call,

a night of disaster awaits.

Yet, he could have prevented it.

NUS Climbing Gym

I think this place is going to be an escape for lots of people.
Be it work, de-stressing.
Or running away from the creeping darkness for me.
But it's been too much of a running away.
And when I stop climbing it just eats it all in.
It's like a drug where I'm addicted to.
I'm not sure whether I'm enjoying climbing or whether I'm just addicted to not thinking so much.
But nevertheless, I'm sure spending more time climbing than usual.
And my fingers are hurting really really bad.
4 hours yesterday and 6 hours today.
Probably another 4 hours tomorrow.
And Thursday and Friday and Saturday.
Should I really be doing this.
It doesn't even feel like I'm enjoying what I'm doing right now.
I'm afraid of losing this feeling.
Even though I know it's still there, I know it's just hanging on to a loose thread.
Though I don't want to lose it, I don't think climbing everyday is going to help.
I don't know I'm just in some sort of a battle with climbing now.
I'm losing focus big time.
Both in studies and in climbing.
And just relationship with people.
I feel like I'm just committing on too many things.
And all of them are pulling me apart from all different directions.
My fingers are really hurting, should probably stop this.
Before the head hurts.

And why do I keep blogging in the wrong place. 

Wew.

Pitter Patter

The rain falls outside.

Thunderstorm quietly rumbles through the empty living room.

As I sit in front of my computer, I'm trying to grasp the concept of reality.

What's going on with this body of mine?

What's the purpose of this flesh and bone filling up this space and time?

Thoughts don't seem to come from the brain of this human figure.

Words are flying in from outside the body.

I'm staring at myself typing.

I see those fingers move.

It's scary.

And it's probably time to move this body to bed.

And let things synchronise together as one next morning.

.

 Disguising itself around the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it cloaks its victims into a paralyzing suffering on a day to day basis. Yet, the screams of these victims were left unheard behind the cloak. It is well-hidden behind a smile on the face, creating false perceptions when looked upon. That is when it strikes, and when it does, it is too late…

I can't do this anymore

It's entangling me and dragging me into the abyss.

I'm out today.

I'm out.

Wallflower

All their lives all the time.
How do you stop seeing it.

Seeing what, Charlie?

There is so much pain.
And I don't know how to not notice it.

What's hurting you?
No, not me.
It's them. It's everyone. It never stops.
Do you understand?

Mornings

Pulses of desolation.
Took me so much to get out of it.
And then came the sudden overflow of human interactions in my phone which makes me want to hide back in.
Fucking tired of feeling like this every morning.
It takes life away.
It really does.

30/6/2017

Such a painful day for us.
To be screaming texts at each other.
I won't want this to happen to you again.
I'm sorry.

Lol

Wondering who my readers are now.
Average of 16 views per post.
Who ARE YOU?
Sudden increase of views by 10?
Lol.

Anyway, just had a talk with a friend over dinner.
I don't know how I can be so logical about her issues.
If only I could be so logical and not so emotional about how things have been going for me.
I'm sure she's feeling so much doubt and insecurities about everything now.
Feeling of betrayal, hate and every negative emotion you can feel in this universe.
And I'm glad that at the end of the conversation, somehow I manage to squeeze in this logical thought into her mind.
I'm sure our pains are similar, and I could finally see how I am as a person from her reflections.
I think it's tough for people like us who thinks so much into small details to think logically.
Any form of logical consciousness is just invaded by the flood of emotions.
And how we jump to conclusions so easily about everything.
But sometimes these conclusions are not entirely false.
It's not just a creation out of thin air.
But we will learn to handle them right?
Emotions have taught me a whole lot about how I function as a person.
And how I've became more aware of them.
And it's definitely not easy for us to deal with others' emotion in addition to whatever we're going through ourselves too.
I guess it's just hard to understand what people are going through unless you really have been through it yourself.
No emotions are unique.

Just hope things will be okay for you

"There are some people,

when you see them,
you just can't pretend anymore.
Because they know you.
The real you.
And maybe that's why you avoided seeing them for so long."

Rainy day

It's a rainy Sunday.
With no directions when I woke up.
Brother came back from Tai Wan.
With lots of tie dan and feng li shu hahaha.
While waiting for the bus (or rather while deciding where to spend my time today), it was raining and I was just sitting there staring through the rain.
And the sudden reminder that I haven't reflect about my life for quite some time.
This sem has been rather quick.
It's week 8 tomorrow.
And it's also the sem where I had decided to take on so much responsibility.
The day when I nodded my head to be the overall PD for BA, I knew I was going to put so much responsibility on my shoulder.
Either it's going to crush me or it's going to increase my capacity to tank the responsibilities.

I guess to compare it with times in Army it's the same.
At least for Army, we can physically, tangibly see the weight of something on other's shoulders.
I remember back in OCS, I was termed "Undying" because of the fact that I volunteered to be the medic for this particular mission.
Medic = carry stretcher.
And from then on I don't know, I just decided to volunteer myself to carry heavy load for every other missions for the next 1 1/2 years.
MG assistant (600-800 rounds ~10 kg?) both in Brunei and Tai Wan.
Signaler for 9 days of JCC (PRC 940 idk around 8kg?)
And yeah somehow this tanking for others thing brought me to 3 Guards.
In Brunei, climbed the first few knolls of the 7 knolls with Le Wei's field pack cause he couldn't breathe.
Until I literally crushed and just sat down trying to catch my breath.
But what has Army taught me?
I shouldn't show any signs of fatigue.
I should force myself to think even when I'm tired.
The signs of fatigue, the shag face that I can control won't be of any good to other people.
Comments and complains aren't going to change things.
Just have to suck it up and give a smile.
Because that's what people like to see.
Because people go to people who are smiley.
People go to people who are useful.
I remembered my men respected me in Brunei when I always don't put my field pack down and still high kneel in front of them while they were lying on their field pack, hydrating themselves.

After all these people issues that has happened in Uni, looking back on my own life, I realised I'm still the same in some ways.
Though the way my thoughts crumble easier, and I break down easier time to time, I know deep inside there's still this fighting spirit in me.
Wanting to stay strong.
For people around me.
To not hurt them in ways my illogical feelings will.
And just shut up about my own pain.
That's what people want to see.

I really miss having someone to pour my heart out to so comfortably.
But in this season of wreckage, I find myself holding on to whatever that I can find to keep me afloat.
Some days I sink, and some days I see myself sinking, and other days I'm afloat.

But I must heal.
It's my life to control.

Y3S1

I guess this week is my first week to feel stress.

3 major things tomorrow.

I don't know how bad things can get.

But I guess I'm pretty numb to test results and stuffs.

Given I've gotten last in class for two modules last semester and things turned out pretty fine.

Just talked to Jon and he told me about the difference in the education system in US and in SG.

Even up till University, I feel that most students are still learning very factual stuffs.

Like it follows very strict syllabus.

I don't know man.

Pursuing a degree vs pursuing knowledge.

That's two different things.

Guess I'm still quite a kid in this society.

Or maybe Physics wasn't really what I was interested about?

Sometimes I question myself during modern optics lesson.

It was a module I chose for myself because I thought it would be interesting.

Well, I just spent most of my time in lecture surfing facebook and stuffs like that.

Basically none of the lessons I've actually tried to listen.

So why did I even choose this module in the first place when I'm solving questions without understanding them.

It was such an apt moment to talk to Jon just now.

As of now, I'm really tired.

Just want to get tomorrow over and done with.

Kinda scared how my head will be tomorrow though.

Hope you'll understand.

Today

I teleported back to the scene at Qing Dao again.
So much pain.
So much fear.
The fear of not being able to climb ever again.
The cold.
The worried faces.
Shaken.

Thanks to those around me trying to help me get back to reality.
And Ahmed for sparing a stick lol.

As I close my eyes

I could see images of friends crying in front of me.
I could hear them sobbing.
Yet the only thing I can do is stare.
Sometimes I wish this over-feeling for people can be translated to actions I can do to make them feel better.

Judging myself

Even before you

Where has it gone?

Just can't seem to find back.

It's the inner battle

that's more torturous than anything else.
It starts tonight.
It's going to be tough, but I know I can win it again.

But what if I don't.

(Well, hopefully the other side of the head will crumble this thought above before it develops to any thing else)

A timely reminder

Not the best of time but..
Suddenly just 'popped out' of my head while smoking in the toilet just now.
I realised I haven't been talking to most of my friends.
Was scrolling through insta and looking at wilfred and wei lun's photos.
And I'm just thinking how long I haven't had a proper talk with Wilfred.
Or like how long I haven't properly talked to my old friends.
Everyone's just in exchange.
Kenny, Ivan, Vincent, Wei Lun.
I guess everyone's just leading their own life too.
It's kinda weird to think about this right now.
But to realise I've really been too caught up with my own head that I don't even have time to catch up with friends.
I wished my mind wasn't a needy one.
It cries for its own attention.
Sucking itself in.
Twirling down into something I can't even have control over.
Well I mean when I close my eyes tonight and open them tomorrow morning, this sudden 'pop out' would just disappear and that mundane life stuck with the own head will just continue.
I have so much to catch up on with school too.
It's week 6 and I feel that school hasn't really started.
It's just been a mess with no direction.
Skipping lectures, telling tutorial friends I'm sick.
Crashing in day times.
What else can I say?
It's just been a fuzz ever since things have became this way.

Well then again, the self-doubt is kicking in.
Whether I'm really out of my head for a moment.
Or is it just a 4:21am thought.
I don't know.
And I shan't go there before I sleep.

7 hours

Just survive it

I'm not alone

Living with anxiety for me means living every day with the constant worry that everyone in my life who means something to me will one day up and leave me. It means needing to insistently talk to and interact with everyone in my life. I feel like I am holding a bundle of helium-filled air balloons, and the more I talk to someone, the tighter my grip on the string gets, and the less likely they are to get away.

Yet, life and experience have taught me this is the exact thing that makes people want to leave even more. The more I smother and pull, the farther away they get. My constant insecurity of being alone drives me to push people out of my life. Now isn’t that ironic?

I’m scared to be alone because that means I will be alone with my thoughts — the worry and the constant running to-do list that will never be finished. My anxiety makes me high maintenance, and there is nothing people hate more than dealing with someone who is high maintenance. It is exhausting, I have to live with myself every day.

This downward spiral of not wanting to be alone has gotten to the point that if I don’t talk to someone every day, I have accepted the fact that they hate me and have rid me from their life.

However, reality has taught me people just get busy — for days, weeks, or even months at a time, and that doesn’t mean they don’t love you anymore. You don’t need to talk to someone 24/7. It’s smothering. My goal is to start living in the moment with myself more.

My goal is to try and start controlling my anxiety and channeling it in different ways than tethering myself to everyone around me. I want to be able to let myself fly away sometimes. Let myself worry but talk it out with me. I want to be able to start troubleshooting my own problems and trust myself to be alone again. I want to be able to enjoy being alone, entirely and solely in touch with myself and how I feel. I’m hoping this will start to allow me to trust others more and believe in myself.

But I think I'm still tryin' to figure this crap out

Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't, this fuckin' black cloud
Still follows me around but it's time to exercise these demons
These muh'fuckers are doin' jumpin' jacks now

Feeling so crazy these few days

One moment the calm sea.
Next moment a storm.
I just feel dysfunctional.
Yesterday was just a bad day.
I did nothing at all.
Literally nothing productive.
It was a storm that followed from when I opened my eyes to when they close.
Such a bad day to get stuck with myself.
Hate it.
Not even going to try to describe it.

Just woke up tho

Boulderactive

It's been quite a rough day for me.
Firstly I was supposed to study before BA meeting but I did nothing of that sort.
But that I only have myself to blame.
Next was BA meeting.
BA meeting felt so stressful.
But I guess it comes with the fact that I'm the overall PD for BA2018.
So, I would like to rant a little.
Just drank a little and I guess it might make my words truer, idk.
Tbh, I'm fucking stress to be the overall PD for BA 2018.
But what's the point of being stress since I was already appointed to be.
There's so much things to do in 9 months before the actual event day itself.
Today's meeting made me ponder and doubt myself about my own capabilities.
I felt like I wasn't up for this role.
Because during the meeting today, I see eyes all on me for answers.
And tbh, I wasn't ready for questions because I myself was just a secretary in the previous comm.
I wasn't very much involved in the marketing side and logistics side.
I was very involved only in registration and replying emails.
Suddenly, it daunt on me that the whole event was up to me to handle.
And I was just so stress about all the questions that came in because I just wanted to say I was as clueless as everyone is.
Had a talk with Theresa and zw after climbing at Kinetics today and I'm so thankful that they were there today.
They reassured me that at the start, that was how I was supposed to feel because they themselves didn't know what to do at the start.
Visioning came along as time comes.
So being so stress, I needed some sort of answers to my own questions.
Went to meet Ferran at his place today to have a drink and chit chat about BA.
And wew, realised that I have such a big shoe to fill and it made me really doubtful of my own abilities.
I was afraid that things fall apart under my leadership.
And I really don't want to see BA2018 to be any less as compared to the previous years.
Theresa and Ferran really calmed me down today about my own capabilities and I'm so thankful for them to talk to me about BA.
I know I have to learn the ropes.
And I really hope that I can handle all these issues that are appearing in my mind.
After talking to Ferran, I realised there's so much things I need to do and so much relationships with people that I have to deal with.
I'm not ready for this but I must be ready no matter what.

To my main BA comm if you're reading this, I hope that things will be fine between us.
I don't want an event to spoil our friendship.
But instead, pull us closer as friends and to be able to support each other through the times.
I know I'm like exaggerating too much but really, with my fogged thoughts (with alcohol) I really hope I'm able to do this man.
I hope that we can work well together and settle things together as a team.
And somehow, I have this feeling that we can and we will.
And I could see us working together towards a common goal.
Hope you girls be patient with me as well since I have such a big role to fill.
Just hope things will be fine :/
I probably should go to sleep.
It's been a long day fighting with my thoughts.
Good night.

Reality separates

when the eyelids fall,

and the eyes retract.

A separated reality,

when the black bubble burst.

You know

Sometimes when I read back old conversations, every thing seemed normal.
But when I look at the discontinuation between certain texts, the few minutes could probably mean a few thousand unsaid words.
And I'm not exaggerating the numbers.

To the other INFP reading this

"Sees your darkness. Follows you into it. Meets all of your demons and fears. Reminds you that they do not scare that easily. Empathizes deeply. Accepts fully. Houses all your pain inside themselves. Listens with patience. Counsels with intention. Helps you find all the versions of yourself that you had forgotten. Walks with you, hand-in-hand, out of the shadows."

We're all the same aren't we?

It cycles

Everyday.
The thoughts.
And the pain.
When can I be logical / clear enough to look at this loop from the outside?

Solitude

should not scare me that much.
Somewhere along the timeline it tilted.

Time

Voices echo over labyrinth
Some clear, others faint
Which do I heed
Maybe none at all

Time is what I need.

I'm hanging on tight

To another wild day.

Fuzz

When you know you have so many thoughts you have to settle,
but you realised it's too much.
And you just let new problems cover them.
And feel some sort of fuzz over all the buried thoughts.

And one day when you decide to dig it up...

Loop

People like us will find this too familiar.
A loop.
That keeps going on and on.
To break that loop, something has to stop.
And it isn't possible if you don't realise the loop.
An example of my typical mind loop goes like that

1. Triggers occur
2. Feels the need to look for a reliable person to scream out my thoughts
3. Feels like maybe talking isn't going to change anything and the person will just be tired one day
4. Asks whether the person is tired and worries that the process of asking is actually tiring that person out
5. Reassurance from the person that he/she isn't but don't fully trust it (not like we don't want to but it's hard)
6. Self-thoughts about how this loop isn't healthy - to be so reliant on someone for that reassurance yet asking rhetorical question about "what I should do"
7. Proceeds life as per normal. With additional input of everyday life's happening.
8. Thoughts build up. Usually those with negative connotation about how I'm such a reliant person, how tiring it is for people to hang out with me etc
9. Triggers occur easily

It's just been going on like this for awhile now.
It does really feel like there's no end to this.
And I just want to thank those people who have stayed by my side even though they might not understand this loop of mine.
I don't know what had happened to me through this period of time and I'm trying hard to find some familiarity back too.
Maybe I have changed maybe I didn't.
But these thoughts are definitely unhealthy for me.
I need to break out of this loop.
And only I can do it.
Doubtful but I know I need to.
For the better of everyone, and ultimately myself.

Need to learn to be okay with myself.
Before I am stable enough, to be a more understanding person.
To be a listening ear that my friends had looked for before these changes.

It's a crazy loop.
I don't know how long it will last
But I know it will end
Or at least, I know I will be at peace with it one day.
With faith.

Breath stinks

Borrowed happiness wasn't the best idea.
It sucked out too much from me.
I haven't seen the morning bustling in this light for some time.
23
It's been a pretty rough year and I can't really forsee how the next 365 days going to be.
Don't think the darkness will go away but I guess I'm getting pretty used to it.
I need time.
I need to reverse time.
So much regrets to the things I've done.
So much pain I've gone through alone.
Who hears?
Who have heard the screams in my head?
Who can feel what I'm really feeling?
But then again, how much can I feel for other people.
It's logically unfair for people hear me if they have their own head to worry about.
Yet, sometimes I wonder how much pain they have gone through.
This sem feels like it's going to be all too different.
I shiver at the thought of school.
At the ability of how school just takes thoughts away and distracts you from it.
I don't think I should avoid what my head is telling me sometimes.
Climbing can be a great distraction.
Alcohol too.
But alcohol works both way, it can either be a distraction or it can be a gateway to how I'm feeling.
Not really in the best state to blog now.
Shall stop this right here.

All the ingredients

To a horrifying morning.

During revovery

There's two kind of friends.
One gives you a hand and pull you up irregardless whether you're ready or not.
The other sits beside you and wait till you're ready to stand up on your own.

Self-love

and there's self-doubts.

Clarity

comes after the fog leaves.
But sometimes this fog stays for too long.
Depleting and erasing the memories of clarity.

It haunts me

Just like how I haunt you

The monsters waiting

As the sun rise.

That 3 hours

Now I got some clarity

To show you what I mean

That one route

That may seem nothing to others.
But it's a monster that I need to fight within.
I lost to it.

So broken

I don't even know where to start picking up these pieces

As the war horn sounds

The internal battle begins
Who knows when this war will end?
But for you who see this war,
Be patient as the war will eventually end.
Be patient...
Be safe...

I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking my habits (I've really tried)
I'm breaking the habit tonight

I wanna let go

of all the pain I've felt so long

Every step that I take

is another mistake to you

Linkin Park's lyrics

never apply so much to me.
Just tonight I guess.
Let it embrace me.
RIP Chester.
You've fought hard.

Screams rebounding

Every corner in my head.
But there's no way of letting it out somehow.
While the echoes intensifies...

Felt exactly like my dreams

It shouldn't hurt so bad

Waiting in the noise

Open man

It has been a hell of a journey for me ever since Asian Youth Championship (AYC).
Was glad to be given the opportunity to be the official photographer for AYC together with Jon.
And it all started from there.
It was just an amazing 5 days at Gorilla Gym, even though it was really very tiring to cover the event with just two photographers.
But other than that, watching young athletes fight so hard for something was really worth it.
And it made me ponder about how much I've actually put into something that I've really wanted.
The Japanese youths especially, I can see in their eyes when I take photographs of them.
How much they've been through and how much they really wanted something.
Shouts, screams, cries, or just the laughter when they enjoy each other's company.
It just felt very thought provoking.
What caused them to cry?
How can they feel so much at such a young age?
And it was from then, I felt like I needed to do something about my climbing journey.
Boulderactive (BA) was next.
Watching Futaba climb and compete with the local athletes.
There's just something about her.
Something in such a young athlete.
It just felt so different at a local competition as compared to AYC.
The local competition felt small, and I could see how different Futaba was during AYC and during BA.
She's less stressful, but her focus was still the same when she climbs.
For my own Inter man Qualis during BA, I told myself that if only I have their level of focus, I should be able to do it too.
And so I put some pressure on myself, and hope that I can do something more than usual.
But the results were just so bad.
But I knew that my body wasn't ready for it because I was sick and I had been working everyday and sleeping for 3-4 hours a day everyday ever since AYC.
Then came the smoke break with Daryl Tang outside Aperia mall.
When I shared what I've been through the whole of AYC, all the emotions I've seen in that 5 days.
He told me he was damn psyched to train hard too.
And so days after BA, I just started climbing everyday.
BA ended on 16 July and I started climbing on the 17.
And on 18,19.20,22, 23,24,25,26  and 27 was the start of Transend 2017.

To be very honest, I wasn't aiming for anything much except to be able to get into semi finals.
And it was more of me wanting to win the fight with my head and learning my mistakes through this competition.
And so came qualifiers on Friday and I managed to get a 2T4 which made me qualified for semi finals as position 14th.
Route 4 was really the saving grace when I had no more energy and decided to sit in all the way, and luckily I could end the route without doing the intended beta of high stepping.
I was telling Khai on the way home how surreal I felt to be in semi finals like wew, I'm going to be doing OMQ routes, confirm eat shit.
And the first few hours after knowing I'm in semis I just told myself "lol do OMQ route, zero expectations sia"
But the few hours before I went to sleep, I couldn't sleep well.
My heart was beating fast, and I know I had expectations for myself.
Then came the voices telling me that "Expect what, you're not even there yet."
I even searched online for nutrition tips and stuffs like that.
Watched ashima's climbing video and practising breathing before I head to sleep.
And lots of nonsense things I've done to make myself feel better.
I can tell you truthfully that it really wasn't easy feat to be able to fight that anxiety.
But somehow, I knew that I could convince myself for the better.

And the next day during semi-finals, I listened to Khai and repeated what I've did the previous day.
So hydration, stretches, carbo breakfast, coke, warm up three times, sleep.
When it was during IMSF, route 1 had the longest queue I've ever seen in my life.
Lol, it took me 5 mins to queue for the route.
And the voices were coming back at me "You queue so long better flash if not you waste time"
"Lol also no one take video of you. Nobody cares whether you're going to make it to finals one la. Try so hard for what."
It hit me really hard when these words came in.
Especially the one about nobody cares.
It literally hurts when my mind believed them.
I kept going on and on about how everyone is just watching other climbers and not me.
And how insignificant I felt when I'm on the wall as compared to the rest of the competitors.
And I had to soften these voices by telling myself that I shouldn't even be thinking about all these things, it's the performance there and then on the wall that matters.
Like what they said "It's just you and the wall"
And I realised that I was actually breathing and was feeling so much less tense as compared to other competitions I've been through in my 6 years of climbing.
And I managed to flash route 1 while being very conscious about my thoughts and breathing.
Then came route 4, I repeated what I've done for route 1, convincing myself and softening the inner voices.
My first attempt felt so steady, and I was so glad that I'm able to fight those comp anxiety issues.
Though I never flash the route, I felt like my first attempt was better than my second (send) attempt.
And the results are out, same placing as Dave but my qualis were lower so I was 3rd instead of 2nd.
Jon didn't make it and I didn't know how to face him because we've been through AYC together and I've seen how his comp form had improved so much since then during BA and during qualifiers.
Only after the comp then I've realised he had a split, superglued it and still split.
Must have sucked really bad to be in that situation.
It's not even his fault man.

And yeah, the same thing happened after semi results were out.
First few hours "wtf I'm in finals? This is damn crazy. Siao can go finals happy already, no expectations"
Then the few hours before I sleep "Holy fk I'm damn stress. Can I really repeat what I did during semis and quali and keep calm"
And the self-convincing just came naturally like "Dude, you're just supposed to try your best. Try your very best on the wall. The only war you need to win is the one within."
And so, I repeated every single thing I've done for semis.
Copy paste "So hydration, stretches, carbo breakfast, coke, warm up three times, sleep."
When the whistle blew the next day when IMF starts, I felt pretty good.
But when it was me and Ayeisha's turn to come out, I started to get nervous.
When I sat on the crashpad, my eyes were looking around.
Saw my family, and tried not to get distracted.
Breathe right? I can do this right?
Just breathe.
But it wasn't working and I couldn't even realise I wasn't breathing properly.
When the whistle blew, I looked at the route and I was starting to get nervous.
Because the first two holds were shit and I didn't expect it at all.
Luckily, with that bad mental game, I just didn't let go despite how much I was shaking on the first hold. I knew I was safe once I touched the bonus because the behind was pretty fine for me.
So I finished route 1 in 3 attempts.
I knew I was still in the game and that made me super nervous.
Because I still had a chance to promote.
Eyes going everywhere in the crowd again.
Had to look down, remind myself to hydrate, stretch, check the time.
And lastly, keep it cool.
And graceful, like how the young athletes during AYC did.
Like how Ashima did in all her videos.
And with that, I flashed route 2 and I was honestly really freaking amazed by how my mind won the game with the devil on the other side of the mind.
Couldn't finish route 3 not because I was nervous, but I figured out the beta too late and my muscle was really just melting with lactic.
And when the results were out, I almost cried.
The sudden realisation that I'm now an open man.
This dream of mine since I've started climbing back in JC.
It felt so surreal.
I didn't even know what to say.
When people run to you and tell you congrats and I'm like so overwhelmed.
It was a bittersweet feeling though, because out of the 4 NUS climbers that got into finals, only me and Khai made it to podium.

This comp has taught me so much.
Not just in competition / climbing wise.
But so much more about my own metal state.
The way I fought with my head made me realised that the devil won't always win.
I had a say in all that's going on in my head.
And I have the ability to control what I think.
With a few breaths, and self-convincing, unreal thoughts will cease to exist in this dimension.

It's been a long time since I wrote something that I want people to read about.
But this is my story.
An unforgettable experience with myself indeed.

But seriously really ah, no one take video of me except my family ah shagz
NO ONE CARES.
lol.
Time to sleep.

Can't believe

Both Jud and Marcus talked to me regarding my inter finals !!
Both my idols since JC.

I was jokingly telling my mum

If I go finals ask y'all come support.
Can't believe it's really happening.
So much have been going through my mind in the past few days.
Will try my best.

But the battle with myself seems so tough today.
Hope it turns out well...

It's a fucking big

Monster to deal with.
Can feel it growing within.

Taming the beast

These few days, there's just an increase of involvement with climbing again.
I have no idea why but I feel like the passion is starting to come back.
The feeling of loving to climb just like when I was in JC.
I guess it all started from AYC.
When I had the opportunity to be the official photographer for such a massive event.
From watching young athletes cry and being so affected to editting photos of AYC and making climbing videos.
Meeting Japanese climbers Futaba and Kaito, talking to Rollfilm's Takeshi about photography and videography.
There's just something about climbing that I've missed out ever since I enlisted.
The fire in me died out.
I stopped loving climbing as much as I do.
I think I've forgotten the feeling of being so free and at peace with myself on the wall.
And feeling my body move when I climb.
Watching ashima's climbing videos at 3am reminded me of how I watched YouTube videos of her back in JC.
And it reminded me about how I've treated climbing 5 years ago.
It made me realised how much I've deviated from the purpose of climbing.
The essence of climbing was just lost.
The love for the sport as a whole died down when competition and jealousy took over my head.
This isn't how climbing should be.
I've let the me in the past down.

As of now, struggling to learn to be at peace with myself.
And that's something climbing is going to teach me all over again.
There's just something about climbing and how my head functions.
I need to get that peace back.
On the wall, and in my mind.

And getting misunderstood

For asking too much from someone.
When she's just volunteering to help.

Sudden outburst

Of thoughts.
Feels like everything is rushing back to me in one shot.
Like a crippling effect on me.
Awful reminders of how bad a person I've been.
If only I could control the triggers in my own head.

And it doesn't help with the fact that gorilla is expecting so much from me.
And how everyone is disagreeing with how much time I'm spending on this.
I just need someone to listen and not bring my efforts down even more.
How easy it is for people to just speak words.
How easy for people to say sorry bro or thanks so much.
But yet still feels unappreciated.
Am I really trying too hard?

Silent tears

Noisy night.
Who would hear me?

It's so painful

That I can't go back to whoever I was.

A machine gun

That's hurting everyone.
Just overheat and burn.

This world

Need no people like me

Going through changes - Eminem

[Ozzy]
I'm going through changes
I'm going through changes

[Eminem]
Lately I really, feel like I'm rolling for delf like Philly,
feel like I'm losing control of myself, I sincerely
Apologize if all that I sound like is I'm complaining,But life keeps on complicating, and I'm debating,
On leaving this world, this evening, even my girls
Can see I'm grievin', I try and hide it,
But I can't, why do I act like I'm all high and mighty,When inside I'm dying, I am finally realizing I need help.
can't do it myself, too weak, two weeks I've been having ups and downs,
going through peaks and valleys, dilly dallying,
round with the idea of ending the shit right here.
I'm hatin' my reflection, I walk around the house tryin' to fight mirrors,
I can't stand what I look like, yeah, I look fat, but what do I care?
I give a fuck, only thing I fear is Hailie,
I'm afraid if I close my eyes and I might see her,
Shit...

[Chorus]

[Eminem]
I lock myself in the bedroom, bathroom, nappin' at noon,
Yeah dad's in a bad mood, he's always snappin' at you.
Marshall, what happened that you can't stop with these pills,
And you falling off with yer skills, and your own fans are laughin' at you?
It become a problem you're too pussy to tackle, get up,
Be a man, stand, a real man would've had this shit handled.
(I) know you just had your heart ripped out and crushed,
They say Proof just flipped out, homie just whipped out and bust,
Nah, it ain't like Doody to do that,
He wouldn't fuckin' shoot at nobody, he'd fight first,
But dwellin' on it only makes the night worse,
Now I'm popping Vic's, Perks and Methadone pills.
"Yeah Em, tight verse, you killed it"
Fuckin' drug dealers hang around me like yes men,
And they gon' do whatever I says when I says it,
It's in their best interest to protect their investment.
And I just lost my fuckin' best friend, so fuck it, I guess then...

[Chorus]

(don't know what I'm gonna do, but I just keep on going through changes)

My friends can't understand this new me,That's understandable, man, but think how bananas you'd be,
You'd be an animal too, if you were trapped in this fame and caged in it like a zoo.
And everybody's lookin' at you, what you want me to do?
I'm startin' to live like a recluse and the truth is
Fame's startin' to give me an excuse to be at a all time low.
I sit alone in my home theater watchin' the same damn DVD
Of the first tour, the last tour he was still alive.
And it hurts so I fast forward, sleepin' pills will make me feel alright.
And if I'm still awake in the middle of the night,
I'll just take a couple more, yeah you're motherfuckin' right,
I ain't slowin' down for no one, I am almost homeward bound.
Almost in a coma, yeah homie come on dole 'em out
Daddy, don't you die on me, daddy, better hold your ground.
Fuck, don't I know the sound of that voice,
Yeah baby hold me down.

[Chorus]

(don't know what I'm gonna do, but I just keep on going through changes)

[Eminem]
Wake up in the hospital, full of tubes, but somehow I'm pullin' through.
Swear when I come back I'ma be bulletproof.
I'ma do it just for Proof, I think I should state a few
Facts, 'cause I may not get a chance again to say the truth.
Shit, it just hit me that what if I would not have made it through?
I think about the things I would have never got to say to you,
I'd never get to make it right, so here's what I came to do.
Hailie, this one is for you, Whitney and Alaina, too,
I still love your mother, that'll never change,
Think about her every day, we just could never get it together.
Hey, wish there was a better way, for me to say it,
But I swear on everything, I'd do anything for her on any day.
There are just too many things to explain, when it rains,
guess it pours, yes, it does, wish there wasn't any pain.
But I can't pretend there ain't, I ain't placin' any blame,
I ain't pointin' fingers, heaven knows I've never been a saint.
I know that it feels like we just pissed away our history,
And just today I looked at your picture, almost if to say,
"I miss you" subconsciously, wish it didn't end this way.
But I just had to get away, don't know why,
I don't know what else to say, I guess I'm...

[Chorus]

(don't know what I'm gonna do, but I just keep on going through changes)

Silent storm

Running thoughts

To a screen of indescribable fuzz.

Reading my 3 months ago posts

Nothing about me have changed.
So stop insisting that I did.
Head.

Maybe just why

They must be in every piece of thought.

Forgive

Those who have hurt you

Kinda like

Post-phuket feels.
Feels so disconnected from the world.

Where there is silence

There will be noise.

Who's going to be

The mediator of the mediator.

Someone said it,

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."

Wtf night is this man

It was a nice night with chill drink and then suddenly just bam
The whole night just fked it up
Just because I dropped my card into the gap between the passenger seat and the separator.
And spent fking 20 mins searching high and low for my bank card.
It's just wtf man.
It just disappeared into another dimension.
Like me and the driver just keep finding and finding and I could feel he sounded pissed off.
But I was also like wtf.
And then worst thing is I told my mum I'll be back by 1am and this kind of fuck thing happen how to explain.
Then when I reached home my dad had to say "why go crazy again?"
Ya la fuck.
Always going crazy at home la.
Fuck this shit.
So fucking pissed at what happened.
And there's just no one to blame.
Fuck man.
This sucks.

Too much

Just too much.
Switching it off for tonight.

Rage is just

Another different kind of fog.

Rage in solitude

Screams so loud,
echoed by the walls.
Hoarse voice,
damaged larynx.
Tears so painful,
no one empathise.
Swollen knuckles,
well hidden.
Words,
unsaid.

There are some days

where nothing seems to bother you.
It's so bad that not even the knowledge of a friend dying bothers you kind of spectrum.
I'm feeling that right now.
How funny right.
Feeling nothing.
I do wonder how it would be like,
To actually feel something right now.
It's been quite some time.
Well not really actually.
It's me standing in the middle right now.
But do I have a choice of which path to take.
I guess it's back to one of my previous post.
Where I mentioned that, it's always the decision to fog it out or not that drains the soul away.
Yet I still wonder whether it's a decision kind of thing though.
Nothing interesting anyway.
I think I've felt too much in that past week.
Maybe it's my body telling my brain to take a break.
That's why I'm like this.
So aimless.
Like a walking dead.

Maybe one day

Our thoughts and perceptions would change so much that we would never ever be able to feel how we're feeling now.
In a way that the things that make sense to you right now may not in the future

A force so huge

That nothing seems to be able to stop me from doing anything.
It feels like I can punch down some buildings or something.

There's always this

Very comfortable familiarity whenever I drink alone.
Not sure about the clarity.
But thoughts are clear.
Not sure whether they are real though.

Calm the nerves

Let the alcohol seep through every vessels.
Let the dimension shifting begin

Sometimes

it feels like being normal or happy is a choice.

Like it can be done if we actually want to.

But what's holding us back.

I think it's some sort of uniqueness that we want to feel.

The feeling that we are different from others.

There's just something unreal about being down here.

Something that most people don't understand.

Which empowers the reasoning of wanting to stay in the dark side sometimes.

Yet, when it gets too overwhelming, we can't find ourselves back.

At least we try to convince ourselves that it is temporary.

But yet again, the over-convincing sub-consciousness never fails to push us back down.

And when we're past the fog, on the surface, gasping for air, reality kicks in so hard that we don't know who we are anymore.

Which leads us back to reconsidering whether it's actually better to be under it.

There is certain comfort in hiding back behind the fog because there are certain truths in our thoughts, or maybe it's just a self-projected reality that we enjoy being in.

And the ever changing decision to pop back out or dive back under becomes an inescapable cycle that follows every thought, be it whichever reality that we're in.

It becomes inseparable in both dimensions.

And this never ending cycle makes us so tired.

And bored sometimes.

That we feel like we need to do something to poke right through the cycle.

To find another dimension to ease our boredom.

I think that's when psychosis comes in.

The point where nothing actually makes any more sense.

And that temporary lost of identity.

And the soul inside of our bodies remain too trapped within the cycle.

With an overwhelming force that brings the cycle further and further away from interactions, connections and feelings.

All that's left, just a dark abyss of nothingness.

Lol don't even know what I'm writing.

Sleep.

Black face

Feel so annoyed by whatever that just happened.
Walked in the rain for so long cause my friend can't give direction properly.
And not even realising he's being stupid for causing me to be angry.
Fuck.
Shit.
At least I don't have to show my face for now.
Glad I'm working alone here.

Yet

There's this underlying chaos in all that quietness.
And the consciousness transits between them.
So constantly that you don't feel belonged anywhere.
Just floating around all these and staring at it from another observer's point of view.
Yet still feeling that subtle connection of both peace and chaos, at the same time.
Sometimes I think, why can't I just choose one .
Yet at times I think, I'm kind of special in this way.

I can't

Feel.
Thoughts aren't appearing, this disassociation feeling is getting all too real.

Reading back

"Scenarios that popped up in my head that hurts me physically."

I guess reading back on certain things are quite triggering.

I'm about to lose myself completely.

Feels like a thin line to insanity.

The last stick

was so freaking haunting.
Everything that happened seem to come clear.
I don't know how long I can do this.
But I'll try.

A noisy head

Smoking my 4th last cigarette early in the morning.
The familiar inhales.
With the familiar thought process that I really don't know how to give up on.
Even if it's screwed up it seems to belong to me.
Let's see.
Two more days.

Dazed

So dazed

Understanding empathy

There's a clear difference between understanding empathy and blind empathy.
Yet, I guess I still crave for people to understand what I'm going through on a day to day basis.
Sometimes it feels like nobody will ever understand.
And it feels like I have to deal with my own head everyday.
It's exhausting.
Just me myself fighting myself.
Can you imagine fighting so hard that you have no more energy left to give anyone.
Even to people who you love.
And people who love you.
I'm so tired.
I don't even know what's going on.
I hate it.
I hate what's going through my mind right now even if I know it's temporary.
Fuck this house.
It's too damn noisy.
Can't even blog.
ZZZzzzzzzzz

Met up with the oldies

Had dinner and some drinks with the 3 guards peeps.
It's been so long since I've seen them.
The sudden realisation that my memory is really bad and that there isn't much for me to talk to with them since they're regulars.
Nevertheless it's still nice to be able to walk back down memory lane with them.
Talking about our man and stuffs like that.
Just thinking how I'd be in the near future.
When I'm their age at 28 years old.
Wonder what kind of person I'd be.
So tired from the meet up.
But I guess it's the lack of nicotine too.
On a side note, LKCNHM was kinda fun this afternoon.
Went there with dayna and zw after BA meeting.
So much things to do.
Feels like I'll never get a rest from my head.

Finals over

Felt like I have so many things to write yet I don't really know what to write about.
Finals are over.
At least it's one thing off the mind.
Trying to quit smoking this summer.
Hopefully it'll be the last time I try to quit smoking.
(Though I highly doubt so)
But let's see how long I'm able to last.
Smoking has changed my perspective many times.
Every time I smoke it creates a new perspective in everything I do and feel.
Maybe that's the hardest reason to give up because quitting comes with the quitting of certain personality that I won't know whether I'll give up on.
Feels like there's so many things to do this summer.
BA , work , climb , get driving license , ICT, clear RT.
It's not that better than studying anyway given the amount of things that I've neglected on.
So many things to catch up on.
So many friendships to rebuild on.
Yet all I know is that I do have time to myself and that's the important thing I guess.
Guess I'm going for BA meeting now.
Shall plan out the things I need to do for this summer.
Especially RT.
Pain in the ass.
And in the midst of all the busi-ness really hope I can save some money to go for a short getaway with anyone anywhere.
And to save money to get my license.
And to save money for team trip at the end of the year.
And to save money for a new lens.
Wew.
Never felt money playing such importance in my life.
But anyway quitting smoking will get me quite some saving.
Guess that's one of the motivation to quit.
Idk how my thoughts will be though.
It's really like giving up a part of me.
Losing this side of me that will be lost forever if I quit.
Guess it's quite a big change this summer.
Well, we'll see then.

'Don't listen to a word I say

Screams all sound the same.'

'Cause though the truth may vary

This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore.'

7 years ago

7 years later



Same song.
Different meaning.

I think the hardest part

Of every thoughts is self-doubt.
The questioning of whether this is what I'm truly feeling.
Like what's the definition of truth.
What's the definition of rational thoughts.
Like at times when I say my head is clear and rational, I still feel the self-doubt in me when I say "I am very rational now. The things I'm saying makes complete sense."

How do we put it across to people

That what we try to convey with our faces all the time isn't 100% what we're feeling at that point of time.
Only a few has seen me cry because of overwhelming thoughts.
Those are my closer friends.
If you have, thanks for being in my life.
You all are the most important people in my life even if I'm not one of yours.

Maybe the music isn't loud enough

And I wonder

If you'll blame me for reacting in certain way sometimes.
It's not that I can help it.

Why bring my own reality

To everyone's reality.
Ridiculous yet I can't take my words back.
Why do I always do this to you

Hell week

I think this hell week deserves a post from me because it's one of the rare times school is affecting me like crap.
I HAVE 7 DEADLINES IN 4 DAYS.
I have my thai paper at 6pm which I am currently just starting to revise.
And I have thai presentation and physics CA on Wednesday which I haven't really started preparing.
Thai presentation need to rehearse but don't even know what my group is going to really present about.
I'm the one doing the conclusion of the group but then I don't know what they're going to talk about so I have to wait for them to finish before I can start writing my script.
And for the physics 2131 CA, I managed to do up my cheat sheet yesterday night but still....
I haven't even started doing anything for it.
I have no idea what all the formula means and I need to practise.
But I have really no time.
Today I'll end school at 8pm, hopefully I can try to write finish my script today before I head home.
So that the whole of tomorrow will be given to my physics CA.
BUT WAIT, I just realised I can't write my script today because no one has done anything in my group yet.
GG la.
I don't even know how to prioritise my time now.
And yeah anyway, Thursday still got physics presentation.
(Slides are 60% done thank god I managed to squeeze in last week)
And I need to understand the experiment and stuffs like that before I can even write my script to present.
And I have to finish assignments 8 and 9 and write all the handout for 2131 before Thursday comes.
Each assignment usually takes around 2-4 hours depending on how fast people reply to me.
Can't wait for this week to pass man.
It is really ridiculous.
Listening to how all my physics friends are complaining about how hell this week is going to be, yet I have thai written and thai presentation in addition to their 'hell week'
Lol.
Just stop blogging and start revising maybe.
But yeah it was a pretty fast rant because I took 5 mins to type all these.
Wew
Okay, enough of school shit.
Bye.

Sometimes I feel like

if I don't make a change to please people,
I'm just going to wallow in self-pity when people are not pleased.
Yet how much inertia there are to even start.
And is there a need to even please people in the first place.

A parasite

that lives within.
The rationality it alters,
becomes weakness within.
It feeds on positivity.
Replaces it with darkness.
A cloud so thick,
that disables ability.
Nothing makes sense.
And it seems all too true,
When the parasite
decides to leave,
an empty host is left to be.

There's too much things to do

So damn tired.
And it's not helping that when I want to settle down to start on my work, my mind just keeps going on and on about the amount of things there are to do.
Unproductive yet unable to do anything about it.
I don't even know how I'm going to control my head next week.
Feels insane.

Maybe I'm just feeling that

If I said anything, things might change for the better.
But it is not a true action but an effort.

At least

I avoided a warzone yet again at home.

Repost

"What if your problems aren't just in the head?"

To the world we'll testify

Perceptions.

Societal perceptions.

When you feel like a problem in this society.

No one is to define how we are to be as humans.

No one teaches us to be normal.

There is too much definition of what's wrong and what's right.

But yet again, feeling alone because there are only few who see what I see.

I guess it's all back to the basis of human instinct.

We all need to feel love to survive.

We fight to earn the love.

And when we are wired different from others, who's there to give us that love.

Who's going to tell you that it's alright to be like this.

Who's there to remind you that your normal doesn't need to be everyone's normal.

If only I could open my mouth,

without having the fear of misinterpretation.

And the judgements from this world.

It's tiring.

It really is.

Depersonalization?

http://acoachcalledlife.com/my-depersonalization-story/

Good read.

Great

Now they know I have problem.
Why did I even break down in front of them.
If only I could keep it to myself.

Why do you have to fucking start every conversation

By shouting at me.
Do I deserve to get shouted every fucking time.
Can you hear my inner screams?
If not please don't do it again.
But it's not going to happen.
I'll just let them be noises.
It won't hurt that much.
If I can be numb about certain stuffs.

I'm a fucking adult.
23 years old for fuck sake.
Why do I have to report every fucking thing to you?
Why do you even have to call me every fucking 12am.
Does it make me come home faster.
You don't even listen.
How I wish I can tell you anything.
But I can't
Even if I did, you won't understand.
You won't understand the pain.
No one does.
And it's okay.

Or maybe it's not.

Been tripping

while listening to Firestone too many times.

Listening to it now,
It brought me back to the days where I smiled while staring at the skies.
Seeing how beautiful this world is.
It brought me back to the days where I cried at a nightmare that seemed all too real.
And now just thinking how ridiculous I am thinking about all these nonsensical thoughts.
I'm sorry.
I really am.
For being me.
For being here.

"It makes me stay quiet when I have something important to say."

http://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2017/03/anxiety-makes-you-look-like-a-snob/?utm_campaign=TheMighty&utm_source=TheMighty&utm_medium=TheMighty

Every single voice

Just amplifies it.
I need to hear myself.

I gave up

Let it engulf me and be myself.

"Don't go there,

even if you think you're able to control it."

Note to self

People aren't obliged to speak their emotions.

It's scary

How irrational thoughts seem rational and real.

Writing and blogging

Gives me a sense of stability.
In the way that I can read back on what had happened in reality despite the fogging of the mind.
When I do read back sometimes, I'm able to tell which are irrational and which are not.
It reminds me what had actually happened and what hadn't.
Irrational posts aren't all that dark if I can see them as a gauge of how I've been.
It's sanity in insanity.

Waking up

Every morning I wake up and the whole world rushes into me.
It's as if there's just too much things that my soul decides to retreat a little.
If I could describe, it felt as if my soul disappeared for that moment.
And in that moment, the person I see in the mirror wasn't me.
And my soul returns, when I see people and start my day.
And in the night, just anticipating the next morning.
How far would my soul drift away?

"Who teaches us to be normal when we're one of a kind"

Episode 4

Getting a little tripped up.

"Who are we, if not the stories we tell ourselves?"

Legion

So chin yue introduced this series to me.
And only just 10 mins into the first episode, I just felt like writing.

"Please keep talking, so we can all pretend our problems are just in our head"
"It means you're in here because somebody say you're not normal. Like normal is just a suit that we're all supposed to..."

"What if your problems aren't in your head?"
"What if they aren't even problems?"

Something is wrong

If one side of the conversations are always questions.

And when you wake up,

It seems like yesterday's clarity belonged to yesterday.

As the cold wind blows

Lying down here staring into the sky.
In the middle where darkness and light meets.
Where the sea touches the land.
As the cold wind blows, I could feel both side of me at the same time.
I do have a choice, but I feel stuck in between.
It's not a decision to be made though.
I'm fine being in the middle.
There's nothing nice about the darkness.
Yet darkness is relative, thus there's light.
We were all born into darkness, it is the happenings in life that gives light to us.
Yet why do we yearn something that shouldn't belong to us.
Shouldn't we be satisfied that we do have something, even the smallest of thing.
Humans have too much expectations.
But it isn't wrong to have expectations isn't it?

I do enjoy the basis of human interaction.
In the purest sense.
It reminds me that we're not alone in this world.
And that it reminds me not to be stuck in my own reality and perception of the world.
It's a different dimension all together though.
Communicating with people and communicating with myself.
It's not really something to be compared about since they're from different dimensions.
Yet the basis of interactions require us to explore each other's dimension.
To see what other people see, and to let people see what I see.
It requires a certain level of understanding and experience to see what other people see.
And to feel what other people feel.
It gets tiring at times, to do that.
Yet I always find myself reading into everybody's life.
Sometimes all at once.
And that's when I realised I stopped reading into myself.
I haven't ask myself "How am I?" for quite some time.
Taking a step back and looking at myself, I realise that I am slowly getting better.
It's a slippery well where I know I will fall back down.
Just clinging on.
But as I said, there's nothing wrong to belong with darkness.
I guess I just need to be more aware that I'm holding on to the side of the well.
It's an abyss down there.
The deeper you go down a well, the harder it is for you to realise that things are getting worse.
When it's already dark, going down a little more wouldn't make you notice.
I guess that's why it's scary when we go down.
Yet when we are down there, going up a little doesn't change much too.
I guess that's why there are better days and worse days that we can realise yet we still feel generally the same.

Through all these months, I realised that humans need attention.
It is hard to live without it.
Or maybe it's just in my dimension.
I remember tripping in Bali and my head tells me that I'm so alone.
Friends feel superficial, nobody truly wants to know what's up.
And suddenly just feeling that this world is so twisted in the sense that we don't know how to hold proper conversations anymore.
All these social media, whatsapp, telegram.
Idk how bad it has become.
Lol the irony because I'm blogging about this.
I'm losing my train of thought.
Lol that's why the topics are parts by parts.
I guess it's what my head is really thinking about all the time.
There's too much things going on in my dimension now.
I can't really write anymore.
It's time to take care of those voices.
See you soon.
Whoever that is reading this.