Rainy day

It's a rainy Sunday.
With no directions when I woke up.
Brother came back from Tai Wan.
With lots of tie dan and feng li shu hahaha.
While waiting for the bus (or rather while deciding where to spend my time today), it was raining and I was just sitting there staring through the rain.
And the sudden reminder that I haven't reflect about my life for quite some time.
This sem has been rather quick.
It's week 8 tomorrow.
And it's also the sem where I had decided to take on so much responsibility.
The day when I nodded my head to be the overall PD for BA, I knew I was going to put so much responsibility on my shoulder.
Either it's going to crush me or it's going to increase my capacity to tank the responsibilities.

I guess to compare it with times in Army it's the same.
At least for Army, we can physically, tangibly see the weight of something on other's shoulders.
I remember back in OCS, I was termed "Undying" because of the fact that I volunteered to be the medic for this particular mission.
Medic = carry stretcher.
And from then on I don't know, I just decided to volunteer myself to carry heavy load for every other missions for the next 1 1/2 years.
MG assistant (600-800 rounds ~10 kg?) both in Brunei and Tai Wan.
Signaler for 9 days of JCC (PRC 940 idk around 8kg?)
And yeah somehow this tanking for others thing brought me to 3 Guards.
In Brunei, climbed the first few knolls of the 7 knolls with Le Wei's field pack cause he couldn't breathe.
Until I literally crushed and just sat down trying to catch my breath.
But what has Army taught me?
I shouldn't show any signs of fatigue.
I should force myself to think even when I'm tired.
The signs of fatigue, the shag face that I can control won't be of any good to other people.
Comments and complains aren't going to change things.
Just have to suck it up and give a smile.
Because that's what people like to see.
Because people go to people who are smiley.
People go to people who are useful.
I remembered my men respected me in Brunei when I always don't put my field pack down and still high kneel in front of them while they were lying on their field pack, hydrating themselves.

After all these people issues that has happened in Uni, looking back on my own life, I realised I'm still the same in some ways.
Though the way my thoughts crumble easier, and I break down easier time to time, I know deep inside there's still this fighting spirit in me.
Wanting to stay strong.
For people around me.
To not hurt them in ways my illogical feelings will.
And just shut up about my own pain.
That's what people want to see.

I really miss having someone to pour my heart out to so comfortably.
But in this season of wreckage, I find myself holding on to whatever that I can find to keep me afloat.
Some days I sink, and some days I see myself sinking, and other days I'm afloat.

But I must heal.
It's my life to control.