Loop

People like us will find this too familiar.
A loop.
That keeps going on and on.
To break that loop, something has to stop.
And it isn't possible if you don't realise the loop.
An example of my typical mind loop goes like that

1. Triggers occur
2. Feels the need to look for a reliable person to scream out my thoughts
3. Feels like maybe talking isn't going to change anything and the person will just be tired one day
4. Asks whether the person is tired and worries that the process of asking is actually tiring that person out
5. Reassurance from the person that he/she isn't but don't fully trust it (not like we don't want to but it's hard)
6. Self-thoughts about how this loop isn't healthy - to be so reliant on someone for that reassurance yet asking rhetorical question about "what I should do"
7. Proceeds life as per normal. With additional input of everyday life's happening.
8. Thoughts build up. Usually those with negative connotation about how I'm such a reliant person, how tiring it is for people to hang out with me etc
9. Triggers occur easily

It's just been going on like this for awhile now.
It does really feel like there's no end to this.
And I just want to thank those people who have stayed by my side even though they might not understand this loop of mine.
I don't know what had happened to me through this period of time and I'm trying hard to find some familiarity back too.
Maybe I have changed maybe I didn't.
But these thoughts are definitely unhealthy for me.
I need to break out of this loop.
And only I can do it.
Doubtful but I know I need to.
For the better of everyone, and ultimately myself.

Need to learn to be okay with myself.
Before I am stable enough, to be a more understanding person.
To be a listening ear that my friends had looked for before these changes.

It's a crazy loop.
I don't know how long it will last
But I know it will end
Or at least, I know I will be at peace with it one day.
With faith.