Slight bitter taste #2

364 days weighing down on this final day.

2023 was definitely one of the worst years of all.

But I guess the bounce is strong for now.

And I'm thankful for this trampoline deep in the darkness.

2023 had been...

Tough and painful.

So many alone nights thinking what the fuck am I doing with life.

Especially how I've fucked up all that I've built.

I doubt this bounce everyday. 

I doubt my words too when I tell people that I'm doing better.

I doubt it when I tell myself that I am doing better as well.

The past 2 months were more of distracting works than silent reflections.

But one thing I know for sure is how music had and is still changing the way I think.

And the funny thing is most of the songs I have no idea what the lyrics are.

Finding my music genre was probably the same feeling as how I found filmmaking as my job?

It's as if things are falling in place when I enjoy a good music or watch a good film.

And for a long moment in this year, I was so lost in trading that I start finding my favourite things mundane and pointless. 

1. My career

2. Climbing

3. Friends

One of my favourite song this year was probably YUNHWAY's SCREAM.

Because talking about friends I always think about the lyrics

"Old friends, new friends, let me be me."

Such a simple line but the comparison of old and new friends in this one line felt so powerful.

Idk but I read it like regardless of how long you know me does not make you know me more or less.

I am ever-changing and that's why you should just let me be me.

And the only true constant is yourself.

My mind is all over the place now.

Hahaha.

I mean with or without L I'm always like this.

It's scary to think back on the whole of 2023.

But Grampians was probably the highlight for me in the reality sense.

It's my first time being in Australia or even my first time being in an 'angmoh' country.

And seeing the lifestyle in Melbourne made me think so much and start weighing what's truly important to me.

And for the deeper spiritual sense, probably from late October to now. 

It took awhile but I've finally come to terms with the amount I've lost I trading. 

As cliche as it is, without this loss, I think I wouldn't start soaking up creativity all over again like how I did before I graduated from NUS.

And for now, I would say music is slowly climbing up my list of important things.

Never too old to learn and appreciate music. 

Without this loss, I wouldn't have talked to my Dad too after 4 years of Cold War.

And it aches me less now when I watch films with 'Father and Son' concepts or seeing Father and Son relationships in real life.

And I guess I feel less unfilial now (even though I haven't do anything to 'repay' them)

Hahaha but I guess is the mindset shift and the vulnerable talks that night.

I wish 2024 will be a better year.

And I'm excited to find out if 2024 is gonna be a year of music exploration.

It's as if colours are slowly coming back to me again.

But can't deny the fact that it's still blur as fuck. 

In the DPDR sense recently.

Lol.

To a better year ahead.

Thanks for stoking friends.

Turning 30 soon wew.

Can't believe I've been blogging since 15.

All these words here are like soft copy of half of my life.

I wonder how it feels if 50 years down the road, someone read my blog from when I was 15 years old till I'm 80.

Sick film idea.

Okay I think it's gonna hit me real soon. (L)

Gonna just wind down for the last 2 hours+ of 2023.

Slight bitter taste

On my lips.

But it is this moment that make me feel most human. (I think?)

Just thinking it's so great that I have a blog that allows me to track down my inner state.

And this inner state has been recorded for the past 14 years or so.

I've grown so much since my first post hahaha.

But I'm still me~

Good night.

Just realised that

There is no one size fits all self-consoling sentence.

And some days I should allow my emotions through instead of lying to myself.

SCREAM

Let me be me man

Everybody schemin' man
They say I'm on wrong way
Fuck it what's the right way
Always hard to manage it
Missin' all the weekend
Everybody basic
But I feel like I'm so different
Let me be me

Unintentional change of font 

Means unintentional change of writing style?

YUNHWAY - SCREAM playing

Do Not Disturb activated

On the way to BPSBW

A revelation these few weeks

I'm glad I caught a glimpse of something

Even the slightest bit

Makes the biggest difference

Main themes:

Don't be too hard on myself

Everybody's at their own pace

Past and future aren't major subsets of the present

Art is the best thing for me

Learn as I navigate

Anxiety and depression had been easier to handle

(Touch some wood)

Likely caused by the immense discovery of music and its nuances

*personal space invaded while I'm writing*

*slightly annoyed*

*there's so much space on the bus - ugh!*

Yesterday's morning observation

The morning light pierced through the kitchen's window

My eyes landed on my mum's hair

It was white as snow

That was a shocking moment

(You know those days where you suddenly realise how old your parents are)

I felt my old anxiousness crept in

But it was so quickly dismissed

Used to think I need more time

To get my shit together

But it struck me that the time is now

I do have sufficient time

These subtle shifts in viewpoints are huge

Another common trigger that always haunts me

Is the fact that I'm already 29

And I seem to have nothing

The endless comparison with peers around me

Seeing myself through my biased lens of the society

And communities surrounding me

How was this trigger fixed?

Let's end it this post as a symmetry.

Thank you YUNHWAY

Let me be me man

Everybody schemin' man
They say I'm on wrong way
Fuck it what's the right way
Always hard to manage it
Missin' all the weekend
Everybody basic
But I feel like I'm so different
Let me be me

WOW

WOW - MIRANI

Makes me want to kill the fucking demon.

Funny but true

 "酒後想到的女孩是你此刻最喜歡的女孩。" - Asim 2023

I think I've been doing healthier

Mentally.

Just some rare nights here and there.

But it might be because I've been busy these days with work too.

But work aside, I've been spending my awake time / idle time appreciating music.

Like properly listening to music.

And I feel like damn, why haven't I done that when I was younger.

It's even the same for drawing.

Kinda regret now that I'm 29 but have never properly pursue things that I like.

Just wanted to write today because I wanted to talk about the music I've been finding recently.

Hip hop/ rap/ chill(?)

Recently enjoying swervy, yunhway, apoki and lil cherry ALOT.

Swervy and lil cherry for their hard raps.

It hits so hard that it feels like it kinda symbolises me trying to fight my demon yknow.

It reminds me that if I want to win the mental war, I've gotta be tougher than the fker in my head.

And these raps hit hard and some days it just makes me feel more confident as a person.

Like on a day to day basis, example when I'm climbing, I feel like I can express the rage in the music on the walls.

Or when I shoot, I can imagine the MV of these songs and I think it just makes me more creative (?)

But yeah, just wanted to log that I MLL yesterday but actually feeling quite alright.

Went to a wake yesterday and it was nice just seeing her and talking to her.

Hope she will be alright after the wake..

Ok I'm gonna continue drinking and listening to music.

But main main purpose of this post was really to talk about the appreciation of music and how it might have been the thing that's helping with my mental health.

Fight the demons with even harder shit.

And earn some self love and higher self esteem.

"So what if I have to reset my life?" might be the overall theme since last week.

Let's go?

A break from trading

It's been awhile and I must say it has been quite a nice break from trading.

I'm writing this because I just DLL-ed on my account after getting back.

It's been a nice one week of really just focusing on myself and drowning myself in music and drawing I guess.

And watching MVs and films and like getting inspiration for things again.

I felt like myself again.

I went to climb today and it felt good to try hard again.

Getting back to trading today, there is just so much trauma.

I guess even though I already anticipated either I will DLL or up the max amount today, DLL feels so damn familiar and so painful.

And it's scary to be on the fence now seeing the two sides of the field.

One side of the field being completely free from trading. 

Just hustling real hard for money through my works and just improving myself and finding that passion again.

And the other side of the field being focusing on trading with that glimpse of hope that I will succeed one day and be financially free - and then continue focusing on expressing myself.

Honestly at this stage of being 29, it really is scary to choose either side.

I'm just scared of failing either way I guess.

And I have been thinking that trading is the easier choice but it just isn't proving itself after such a long time.

Suddenly just feeling this financial stress all over again.

When I actually had 70 - 80% forgot about it last week.

Or maybe I was just forcing myself to think that I have forgotten about it.

Idk man.

I guess there's less post now on my blog.

And I guess I'm feeling better?

But today just felt like a repeat of everything.

Navigating through the crowds

As I was walking alongside the humans in Bugis, I felt the strong representation of myself in this world.

It occurred to me that we are all navigating through the path of life.

And we are all making infinite decisions throughout this life.

Everyone's at their own pace.

But I just can't help feeling like a snail in this rat race.

Yet I know I should stop comparing myself with this seemingly flawed society.

It's a constant battle between these two ideologies. 

How long more do I need to figure life out?

Or have I already and just need a stronger self-acceptance?

Angel VS Devil

Today's internal struggle was so strong.

It was really a fight between trying to be functional and not trying at all.

A fight between taking care of myself and letting myself rot.

A fight between channelling my energy to pick myself up or let the energy turn negative.

I'm not trying to say that I did a good job by choosing to take care of myself, doing things I like.

I'm just trying to say why is there a 'hurdle' to doing the things I like to do.

Why can't I just (without activation energy) do the things I like.

And just tired from the internal fight between the Angel and the Devil.

But okay, happy that I finally drew Chae Young after contemplating for years.

And It looks pretty okay to me (even though I think I'm a perfectionist).

Her left eye could be slightly bigger, the 2B shadings on the nose bridge can be darker.

Her right side of the upper lips look a bit distorted.

Shadow below her right eyebrow isn't blended properly.

Nose isn't obvious because of the lack of the nose bridge shading.

General shading of the face isn't perfect.

BUT FUCK.

IT LOOKS LIKE CHAE YOUNG.

I don't care I think I did a good job already.

For someone who didn't have any art background.

And I think that's my way of working hard for my industry too.

Keeping my creativity in check while I grow up.

And I guess that's why I keep reading books and heading to the movies too.

Just bought a fictional book too, been awhile since I read fiction.

A break from trading, Day 1.

Let's see what the next few days teach me.

I want to die but I want to eat tteokbokki

Just wanted to write some stuffs here while I'm feeling numb / overwhelm.

I don't even know which I am feeling anymore.

Life has revolved around trading like what I said.

But it's been revolving for a good 15 months now.

And how the metaphorical representation of trading in my life is woven so deep now.

It's scary.

Like it feels like my depression / anxiety / future depends on it.

And that idea that my whole life depends on it makes it so stressful for me to trade well and logically.

I've busted my combine again after reaching 6k.

And honestly I am really tired.

I know I've said that too many times.

I don't even know what I want to say nowadays.

I am probably taking a 2 weeks break from trading?

Finally taking a break.

The last time was Grampians.

It's been half a year since I took a break lol.

But I hope this break gonna let me see life again.

Almost lifeless but also trying really hard to recover mentally.

I finished "I want to die but I want to eat tteokbokki" just yesterday.

And I remembered wanting to write down some stuffs about it.

I wrote some parts of it in my personal IG.

But I think what I'd really take away from it is the importance of human interaction.

As much as life is tough (Really tough) right now, being able to just interact with humans make me feel slightly better.

And I know I have to force myself to interact to recover.

And like what the author wrote, not just interacting with one person, but with several different people.

The author wrote about being able to talk to people when she was younger and finding it more difficult as she grew up.

And after she went for therapy, she started sharing her thoughts with people around her.

The act of sharing her thoughts with people made her feel like is a better way of living.

The idea of togetherness as a collective human civilisation (?)

It resonated really well with me.

Or rather with the younger version of me.

And I knew I had lost it recently.

She also wrote about the idea of conforming to society.

It hit me that I've been "Conforming to society" because I have been comparing with people around me.

How social media has made me jealous of people who I know the younger me wouldn't give a fuck about.

And it's sad that I am seeing it now.

But I guess never late than never.

I don't even know what I'm writing anymore (how I usually end my posts now)

But I just wanted to write whatever that popped up in my head.

I want to feel better.

I want to make things work.

I know I am in the process of recovery and I'm unsure how long it'll take.

It scares me not knowing what the future lies (especially with this deeply intertwined life with trading now).

GADFKLGJDL:GKJSDF

Bye

Express Funded (Week 2) BUSTED

How do I feel?

Honestly I felt I was going crazy.

The anxiety was sky high, the depression was sky high.

I gave myself so much pressure to earn that $200 so that I can draw out whatever that's left in my account.

That $200 was a metaphorical representation of my life.

If I can earn that $200, I am so sure I can turn my life all around.

No more depressed me.

Life will start getting better.

The thought of how close it is but not making it in the end crushed me.

Like I was crying due to my panic attacks.

I felt this immense urge of self-harm.

Because I was so tired.

Writing about my inner thoughts in a clear mind is really so refreshing lol.

At least I'm not writing the content of the inner dialogue but instead just writing about it from a third person POV.

Honestly I've been really depressed for the past year.

I can't deny how my financials were the main cause of this 'worse' depressed state.

For new readers, I've lost close to 60k to options trading.

And now I think back about it after a conversation with my dad, it was legit pure gambling.

Okay not entirely, but my emotions were of a gambler's mindset.

I just really wanted to write down about my conversation with my Dad.

For those of you who knew, I've been at a cold war with my Dad ever since I graduated from Uni.

Because of my career choice, the countless time he told me to find a stable job caused us to quarrel quite a bit until it's been an elephant in the room since then.

I even wrote about it in one of my post, I think it's me after watching Elementals?

About how I know I worry them a lot.

After busting my funded account today, I broke down in front of my Dad.

Or rather I wanted to talk to someone.

It's so rare that I reached out to people.

I guess like what Allson said, when you're so overwhelmed, just want to talk to somebody.

So I opened up my Dad's room and walked in, we lied on the bed together and talked about everything.

I confessed to him about me losing 50k.

He sounded very disappointed in me, but it's not that kind of disappointed.

It's like a, damn I wish you hadn't done that.

I've never talked so openly with my Dad before in my entire life.

(Sorry my thoughts are all over the place but I'm just gonna write everything that pops into my head)

That was a really nice conversation with him.

All my insecurities about what my dad thought about me was gone.

I knew he really meant me well.

And his worries are all valid.

I always knew that, just we never talked about it.

I'm actually really really tired.

I'll probably write about my conversation with my dad again one day.

Just to summarise

I'm just broken mentally today that I was so close to winning.

That one win that will change my life for the better.

But I'm also super thankful and relieved that me breaking down in front of my Dad, we finally talked about the things that we couldn't talk about for years.

At least he knows what's been going on with his son, and what his son's thinking about all the time.

And I'm also glad to just confirm on my end what his worries were.

That's why it sucks so bad too because my end goal of trading, is really to be able to earn a lil more (or a lot more) and then I can y'know make my parents less worried.

So this one win is so important for me..

But I fucked it all up because of emotions and impatience.

Oh well.. 

I'm sure I can get it back again.

And I must...

(with less pressure this time since my whole family knows that I'm doing now lol)

Express funded week 1 (And emotions)

Passed my topstep last week.

Trading on this funded account for the 1st week and I'm proud to say I'm up 6k from the first week.

Although this might be a bit sketchy because I hit my max loss limit on the 3rd day but my account wasn't deactivated.

So just praying that their bug on the end saved my life.

Ngl, this is one of the toughest week.

I feel like this whole week was a dream and only finally waking up on the weekend.

As much as I say I have no emotions while trading, I think that I am suppressing all my emotions instead.

Only finally feeling everything when I stop.

I mean this week could have ended really really bad with me busting my account and trying all over again. 

But I'm relieved.

And exhilarated.

Because I think I just earned 6k usd in a week.

It was a really rough fight.

Body auto waking up in the morning and starting trade if I have nothing on.

Really felt like a full time trader.

A beginner one.

Just wanted to note down how distracted I have been throughout the week.

Checking the market every now and then.

Gotten daily loss limit because I was emotional, and hitting mll because I was too eager to enter trades.

It was really a ride of emotions, a roller coaster indeed.

When I was bathing this morning, I just snapped out from my trading daze and realise holy shit. 

I just earned 6k in a week!

This whole thing might and should work out eventually.

If I can draw out more money than I put into paying for the combine, then I should be profitable.

And it is honestly very very achievable.

Thinking of the road from here excites me.

I felt like I was lost for more than a year.

My goals in life were all over the place.

If I can just make this work, there's so many more intangible things I want to do.

And at the top of my head, just repaying my parents, hanging out with my friends (just treating them to meal or something for being there for me through all these toughest times)

It is (as I always put it) INSANE.

And lastly, find back my love for film / content creation because that's the core of my life.

The list goes on but I have to keep on fighting.

I am hopeful now.

It's been awhile since I have been so hopeful. 

Let's continue grinding.

Good job weeps :')

<3

Space

Don't want to waste this space just to journal down all my depressive episodes and vent my frustrations.

So here's me talking about reservist and me passing TopStep.

Reservist was... 

Definitely tiring.

But it sure took my eyes off my phone and computer.

And really interact with people.

The simplest of communication without technology.

That was one of the top thing I truly enjoyed and appreciated in camp.

BME was dead ass tiring walking under Code Black Sun.

Carrying Matador for the mission reminds me of how tanky I was back in active days.

And got reminded of how tough times was really a mind over body / mind over mind kind of thing.

Looked at my callsign "undying" on my IBA just reminded me of how I was respected as the tank of my platoon in OCS.

Or even in GCC.

Still feel that pride of being a guardsman even though this year's BME was abit disappointing.

Will be the OC again for next year, dreadful as I am already, but I know it will be fruitful when it ends.

Glad to catch up with my Plt 3 guys even though it's just a short while.

That short 2 week just reminded of all the times back in active days.

And it's crazy to know it has already been 10 years since I have been in 3 guards.

It was really a nice break from life.

Other than reservist, I HAVE PASSED TOPSTEP.

I reached the profit target of 9k in slightly less than 1 month's time.

With 4 resets though.

When I saw my account balance reached 159k, I stopped and stare at the ES chart.

And everything just came rushing in.

All the crushed up nights, all the lost days, all that lonely fights all came crashing on me.

I freaking bawled in front of my computer.

Because this means so much to me.

It is really a huge milestone for me.

Just some statistics, the trader's discord chat I'm in, out of 2.5k members, only 200 of them are funded traders.

And I have successfully joined them. 

I'm honestly both excited and scared.

Excited because this whole trading thing might finally work out.

Fearful because I'm scared this hope above might just be crushed if I fuck up this account.

But nevertheless, this gives me confidence that I can actually be consistent.

Even if I might bust my account again, I'm at least sure now that I'll definitely be able to get funded all over again.

I will update about this again!

For now, I am slightly less depressed.

And more motivated in fixing things.

Slowly, hopefully things will be okay soon.

Good job weeps <3

The Breaking Ice

 

Probably the best random decision to go and catch this today.

I was feeling so much when I woke up.

As if these negative intrusive thoughts couldn't stop.

Woke up at 3pm today, feeling like death.

Or probably just a lack of identity kind of feeling.

Numb and idk.. not even depressed.

Went to Funan to buy the tix for the show and realised I had an hour or so before the movie starts.

While walking around Funan, I just recalled how carefree it was to roam around BKK.

And thinking that I should probably spend more weekends doing things on my own.

When I was buying the tickets, saw that there were only 4 other people who bought the tickets.

In my mind I was just thinking, great.

I love empty movie theatres, and just feeling so connected with the film without distractions.

And in awhile after sitting in, the film started.

I have no idea what the film was about (it's my habit of not checking the synopsis before heading to watch anything)

FULL SPOILERS AHEAD

The film opened with the literal breaking of ice blocks, set in Northern China.

The music and the location of the film drew me in immediately.

It's unlike anything I've seen.

I was drawn to the movie right from the start, imagining myself at the same space where the 3 characters were.

The closest I can imagine myself was Qing Dao.

And maybe the roads they travelled - Grampians?

Basically all the nature places I have visited in my life.

When Hao Feng received the call from the Mental Hospital, I straight up knew what I was in for.

To be honest, was a bit scared of being triggered too badly.

15 minutes into the film and a suicidal ideation.

I was really really feeling what Hao Feng was feeling the entire length of the movie.

I felt very connected to him.

Especially the part where he sees a random stranger (Nana)

I could imagine the entire interaction with Nana in his perspective.

The look on his face when he saw Nana from above, the confused state he might be in while on the tour bus.

And just admiring her from the back of the bus and fantasizing all the conversations that they might have if they ever started a conversation.

When Nana was smoking at the side while taking a break, Haofeng walked towards her.

It was definitely something I would do if I find someone that attracted me so much.

It was fun to imagine sitting right there, in that icy cold weather and just having simple conversations, away from the internet and life.

I don't know what I really want to say about the film honestly.

But it was so good in the sense that I really felt so connected with Haofeng.

Example, having a secret admiration of a random stranger, to find out she was hanging out with a guy in the balcony.

And that very look on Haofeng made me knew exactly what he was thinking of.

Maybe it's my own interpretation but I would imagine it to be like, "Oh she has a boyfriend. Let's erase all the fantasies I had with her."

And idk, go through a literal heartbreak (that aches a lil) with the fantasy that was created.

Fuck.

I have never been able to write this feeling down so perfectly even though this happens to me always since young.

The joy Haofeng must have felt when Nana called him at the hotel entrance to ask if he was free.

That confirmation of mutual interest even without much conversation throughout just because Haofeng is sensitive as fuck.

And seeing how introverted he was in the bar with Xiao and Nana, and how alcohol broke the ice immediately between the 3 characters.

And how three of them ended up in Nana's place, and just imagining all the thoughts going through the three of them.

How Haofeng would probably wish Xiao was not there, and how Xiao would probably wish Haofeng wasn't there.

But they all ended up listening to Xiao playing the guitar and enjoying each other's company.

Knowing that all 3 of them are empathetic creatures and they can tell what the other 2 were thinking.

The sex scene felt so much love and connection between Haofeng and Nana.

Even though they've only met for a few days, it's as if they knew each other for a long time.

There were so many metaphorical representation of things in the film which I do not understand entirely.

When I walked out of the theatre, I felt numb and lost at how it all ended.

But then I reminded myself that maybe the purpose of arthouse film wasn't entirely for understanding, but rather what you felt out of it.

After walking out of the theatre for 5 minutes, I felt a sudden surge of emotions creeping in.

As if I suddenly receive clarity over everything that I wanted to feel but couldn't feel the past few months.

And the word that came out resonating was "I'm tired."

I'm tired of standing on the edge.

I'm tired of trying so hard to stay sane when insanity is just a thin line right beside me.

I'm tired of trying.

I'm really tired.

And because of these influx of emotions, I crumbled.

Pretty hard.

And I immediately thought back on the movie where Haofeng was crying in the club out of nowhere.

And thinking about how similar I was to him in that very instance.

Just thought about the day I was outside Zouk and just bursting so hard back in 2018 or 17 with Chin Yue beside me.

And knowing that at that time Chin Yue probably didn't understand how dark I was feeling even though he is my best friend.

Which made me think of how alone I was in my own journey back then and how similar I must have been feeling this period of time.

It was a beautiful film.

Triggering as it might be, it might be important for me.

To feel again.

Lastly just want to say how The Breaking Ice really felt like a combination of Lost in Translation + The Perks of being a Wallflower together.

Which I really really enjoyed and left an impact on me.

And I like how I feel reignited again, to shoot and express myself.

Right after the movie, I received a text from Dharf.

The first script is out.

For the 'douyin' thingy that I have been wanting to do for years.

Am really grateful to have someone like him.

Reservist for the next 2 weeks.

Time to snap out of these toxic cycle for awhile.

See you guys~

Spent some time with friends

And realised it's one of the most important thing I've missed out on.

And made me think that we are all blinded to think that we are all in this rat race on our own.

But the connections made me realise there's much more to life than this.

And for that, I'm thankful for tonight.

I'm ready for tomorrow.

1 day at a time.

Words that made me cry tonight

 

ECP

Without any L.

Just one bottle of wine.

Feels good to finally step out of home, (though unintentional) to spend some time alone.

Let's see where tonight brings.

Understand

The need for self care.

But this inertia is so damn high.

DPDR

 Super strong DPDR this afternoon.

Every action, every object and every emotion feels like a fucking dream

Twice Ready To Be 2023

 This is definitely the most meaningful concert I've been to.

Just thinking back on the past 2-3 years of stanning twice and it just feels insane to see them standing right before my eyes.

They were literally just THERE.

.

.

Okay I literally just spent half an hour looking through my history with Twice.

And I just want to note this down too.

This was my 2022 EOY reflection mind you HAHAHA

Given how fucking depressed I've been feeling for the past 3 months or so, or might even be half a year, seeing Twice in front of me just reminds me of so much things.

Ever since I started stanning them, so many things have happened.

And they have just been the constant in my life.

In the sense I listen to them in so many different phases of my life.

When I am recovering from my break up, when I am feeling more energetic in life, when I am playing Mahjong every Friday, when I started trading, when I am depressed af.

I can just find them in so many different parts of my life.

And like what I mentioned in my 2022 EOY post, I'm so fucking glad they recontracted.

I can't imagine being such a late Once and not being able to see them in real life if they ever disbanded.

That was really such an important milestone.

I can remember at my peak of my stan in late 2021 when I am looking forward to TTT every Friday.

Like I literally get so excited waiting for new content.

And I will just keep on sharing with Wei Lun.

As much as I'm not in my peak crazy stan era now, thinking back on how crazy I was for them and comparing myself then and now, I felt like I matured as a Once.

And I think all Once will go through this phase of mad stanning HAHAHA.

It's so cringey and funny writing all of these feelings down now.

But hey, like what I said on my previous post, instead of all the shadow and darkness, this post is so important for me.

Because I'm happy writing all these things.

And I'm not just ranting of how miserable and lonely my life has been lately.

It's a pretty nice reset.

This morning has been rough, cried in the shower thinking about yesterday's big loss in trading (and of course linking to every other thing)

And just few hours later, I find myself crying in the concert because it's been awhile I felt so excited and energetic.

Seeing Son Chae Young in front of me was freaking INSANE.

How do I say it?

It kinda feels when Cyue and I finally reconnected after he came out and after COVID's restriction.

HAHAHA I can't even find a good way to describe how insane it was.

They looked exactly like who they are.

And they behave EXACTLY like how I've imagined them to behave.

It's like they are literally some long lost friends.

And Chae Young especially, all the Bubble live at night, and all the V-live in the past.

How crazy of a stan I was back then.

And I mean it kind of slowly died down for the past year?

And today was just a reminder of how much I've missed them.

Thank you Twice for tonight.

I will remember tonight clearly :)

It sucks

To know that you've put in so much effort for the past 1 year to be rewarded with distant friendship, distant family members, distant love for film.

I feel like I've lost every thing in my life.

Fog

As much as I try, feels like the fog is always there.

It's not just a mental fog now cause it feels like my physical vision is a blur too.

Feeling uncomfortable

Hanging / chatting with people you are most comfortable with.

That's how I know I'm getting worse

And it is a really sucky feeling.

11 August

It's currently 6am right now and I can't sleep.

I feel like I have to write this down before I turn mad.

Just realising how much I've numbed myself to sleep every night and how today has been hitting extremely hard.

Trading has completely taken over my life.

I ain't enjoying any other things now.

I just met Sherine but I feel like I was so distracted the whole time.

And this applies to all my other friends too.

This applies to my work as well.

Just life in general, feels so meaningless right now.

I feel like death every morning recently.

It's so scary that last Saturday I woke up and the words echoing in my head were 'I want to die.'

I felt like my depression had never gotten so bad.

I'm going through a really really rough time but who can I talk to about these trading stuffs who understand both trading and mental health.

I looked at my Tiger account and see that I've lost 53k as of now.

That is 70+% of my hard earned money over the past 3 years of trying to make it freelancing.

And I know if I continue this berserk mode, I would definitely lose everything one day.

It's crazy man.

I felt like I should never have learnt about this whole thing about the stock market / trading.

It now feels like I have to succeed.

And if I don't my life is going down with it.

Who can understand this struggle?

I don't know.

I don't know anything anymore.

Let's take it back to the start

Ground zero.

It's insane how fast I burned all my profits last 2 days. 

Tired and unmotivated.

Lonely and depressed.

This sucks.

It's quite a joke that I don't have enough to see a therapist if I ever wanted to.

Time to move on :')

Thankful for this unforgettable experience.

Me 16 hours feeling post concert blues 

Hahaha

2 hours

That's the time needed for me to harness enough energy to leave my bed and start thinking of what to do with my day.

This is without any influences from friends all chores I need to settle.

It's just the amount of time I need to literally just start functioning.

It's nice in a sense to find out this 2 hours because I have literally no deadline and responsibilities here so I guess it's accurate?

No friends to meet, just figuring out what and how the day should be (up to my own pace)

That's so important lol.

I mean when I'm back home, I'm just easily satisfied with the convenience of my computer.

Idk just thinking of some stuffs here.

(G)I-DLE I am Free-ty BKK 2023

Hi I got distracted before writing this.

Janelle texted me and asked how was it.

I'm so happy that she texted and asked that HAHAHAA.

I FEEL SO LONELY AS THE ONLY NEVERLAND IN MY GROUP OF FRIENDS.

So thankful for Janelle for being the OG nebobo.

I'm writing all of these with "I do" playing in the background and it's been 6 hours past the concert.

I just wanna write down these thoughts before they disappear when I wake up the next day with my fking morning depression.

I LOVE GIDLE SO MUCH.

I'M SO GLAD I FOUND THEM.

I'M SO HAPPY I IMPULSED BOUGHT THEIR TICKETS AND IMPULSED BOUGHT BKK TICKETS.

It's my first time travelling alone in 29 years and chasing something I really like.

It might not mean much for a lot of you but it really means a lot for me to do what I really want.

I'm so glad to see all 5 of you (minus soojin :( )

I'm writing with 4 cans of beer and some reminisce of a 1/4 

I'm feeling so much rn like I need to write this down so I can forever remember what I'm feeling on this day.

First of all when I reached Thunder Dome today, seeing all the Thai nebobos and realising that I'm kind of out of place because I don't understand and speak thai (I mean I do understand to a certain extent)

But having the language barrier but just being so happy being around people with the same love feels sooooo amazing.

There were Thai, Koreans, Chinese and some other nationalities but fuck we are all NEBOBOS.

COMPARED TO IVE CONCERT, I felt a little more in place because I'm not one of the oldest fans there!!

I saw aunties and uncles with their light stick and I'm like LFGGGG.

Never too old to stan a young kpop group.

Whenever my mum tells me I stan kpop group at such a old age, I feel abit sad.

But when I see these bunch of older crowd, I feel so belonged.

Just wanna say I'm a very very new never-ending. (If you are a neverland that came to visit my blog)

I've only knew of gidle since last year 2022 when I'm scrolling tiktok one day and seeing soyeon producing Nxde.

And then searching soyeon's fancam to realise how fucking cool she is.

Her raps and her style.

And the next tiktok I saw is Minnie and woogie's old Vlive. Where minnie was speaking Chinese. XIAO KE LI. 

That was when I realised I really loved this group.

And really sad I missed their SG tour which happened 3 months before I found them.

When they announced I am Free-ty, I got really interested when I saw they were performing at BKK.

On the day of ticket sale, I somehow woke up 3 minutes before the site opened. I thought to myself, I think that's a sign. 

And GOOOO, CAT 1 GO.

Best impulse purchase of my life for sure.

I can't imagine missing this one right here.

It's really so good.

Seeing the 5 of them in real life made me feel so much.

Like first of all they were all human.

And whatever character I derived from all the videos I've watched is true!!!

Like soyeon is soyeon, woogie is woogie, shuhua is shuhua. 

I can't put it to words about how accurate I feel their personalities off the stage.

Is like I REALLY could feel shuhua's thoughts throughout the concert.

I mean she's an INFP like me.

And it's so interesting to see a fellow INFP acting the way she is on stage.

Not saying that it's rare but just being there as an idol and not me (for example) is just SO interesting.

Best performance of the night definitely goes to Pyscho by soyeon tonight.

It was so PSYCHO that it reminded how fking dark my life was when I was just uncovering them (before 'I feel' came out)

Not saying my life isn't as dark as those times but generally just love their darker songs like 'Change', 'Dark x-files' etc. 

Kinda sad they didn't perform those master piece, but hey. 

They put up such a great performance.

The distance I was from them was SO DAMN CLOSE, like less than 30 metres.

Oh and I was called to swap seats when the concert was ending.

I was abit passed because they called me to move when my bag and I'm the trend was playing.

Like those are some of my FAV songs.

So I was really annoyed with the staff for messing up my seat.

But damn it was really a good Cat 2 view.

To end off this post, just wanna say that I have started to openly show things that I really like on my IG.

As much as sometimes it still feels a lil embarrassing to stan Kpop, knowing that the community is so huge makes it easier to pass.

Tonight is a really great night.

My bias has filtered to soyeon or shuhua. (I mean from loving all 5 of then to 2 is a great difference.

Soyeon because her performance and stage presence always owns. 

I am tired already, but before I close my eyes and ttfo, 

Thank you (G)I-DLE and wish you girls success to end the world tour.

BKK Day 2

Got hit fking hard yesterday night.

But dayum, it's everywhere here.

Hard to not find lolol. 

Just sitting at a cafe now after climbing at stonegoat.

Just soaking in all of my thoughts.

Trading, climbing, family, friends, career.

That's literally the things that is a huge part of me.

Climbing alone at stonegoat felt strange.

In a way I like climbing alone because I really get to focus on my climbs.

No comparison and just really enjoying the sport and the community.

But too, felt a little lonely because no one is climbing together.

So just had this small little thought about climbing and how it has been a part of my life.

As bad as the day gets, some sweat do help.

Too, woke up in the morning feeling depressed af.

And lonely, don't know what to do.

And just surprising because I always thought I don't get my morning depression overseas, but I realise maybe it's cause I usually wake up with interacting with my friends.

And hence it goes away pretty fast.

Or rather, distracted.

So quite an interesting find.

Trading is so tough.

I've just lost the entire 3k in 9 trading sessions. Lol.

And 2 or 3 times were mistake plays for not taking profit.

Owell... 

Feels like back to square one again.

Hate it.

Tomorrow is concert.

I'm so excited!!! 

Hope the next few days will be goooodo

DPDR

Today's DPDR strong and long.

It's already 4 hours since I woke up.

So many posts today

But I guess this is probably the truest post since I'm mellowing down now.

It was a nice day despite feeling so much.

Just finished watching Elemental and just wanted to write down my feelings after watching it.

Ember's relationship with her Dad...

It just felt exactly like the one with my Dad.

I guess when I was younger, I think Dad was pretty proud of me.

I think out of the 3 of us, I'm the one that gave him the least trouble growing up.

And I just feel like I was his pride.

Being able to study in local U, and earning big bucks in the future.

And I guess things turned for the worse when he knew what I wanted to do.

Film.

In the last few years ever since I have decided on this path, I knew I would be breaking his heart.

I remembered very clearly crying out in Hampi, thinking that I'm the worst son ever.

And that I am the most unfilial one.

I think in Elementals, I could feel it so strongly when Ember said to her Dad and apologised for being a bad daughter.

That line crashed me because that's exactly how I've been feeling with my Dad.

And with this trading thing that's been ongoing in my life, I have no courage to tell him that it's been rough for me but I'm just trying very hard in life.

I'm sure he knows I go out to drink at night when I say I'm going opposite.

And I'm sure he knows I'm trying very hard.

But it just hurts knowing that I'm not progressing in life.

And I don't know if there will be a day where he will be proud of me.

In Elementals, Ember's Dad told her that his dream was never for her to take over the shop.

It felt like an analogy for me that my Dad's dream wasn't for me to make big bucks or whatsoever.

I think he will be proud of me, if I am proud of myself one day.

It felt really good to cry it out in the theatre.

And luckily this time round there wasn't annoying kids like when I was watching spider verse.

That short 2 hour felt like a self-therapy session.

Or rather the whole of today felt like a soul searching day.

And I'm sure I will feel it even more in the few days that I'm gonna be in Bangkok alone.

I am kinda excited and scared of being with me at the same time.

4 more days.

Let's find some self love please.

And self care.

See you then.

Recently on my darker days,

 I feel like no single soul in this universe can ever understand me anymore.

Feels like I've drifted too far from the norm.

Some days just feel like I'm insane y'know?

And lonely.

Sadge. 

As if there's no point to even talk to anyone anymore.

(Don't worry guys, I'm just trippin a little now.)

But not entirely untrue yeah...

I'll read back again for sure.

It's kinda raining now at ecp.

But just sitting here and just harvesting the energy from this world.

Both living and non-living.

Feels pretty incredible.

The world is indeed very very beautiful.

Life seems

Beautiful today.

Walking around ecp and seeing smiles everywhere and happy sights...

Makes me feel that I'm so silly to be feeling what I'm feeling.

A thought came to me

'Why would I leave this beautiful world behind'

Life seems pretty boring

Without some drinks.

So here I am drinking alone.

And just soaking in the universe.

Just pondering about life in totality.

About the things I love.

And the things I cherish.

And how I have been.

It's a quiet night.

And it's....

Kinda nice to spend some time listening to me.

Dream

I dreamt that I went overseas with my family.

And we were so...

Happy?

I don't feel judged at all.

And I could fully express my love for my parents.

It was...

Nice.

Today's first ciggie

 Hit fking strong

Disconnected beings

Always wonder about how disconnected we are now with technology.

Especially when I'm travelling on public transport.

We all share the same physical space but at the same time not in the same space.

It's kinda sad in a way.

Finally travelling alone

After 29 years.

I am excited to just spend some true me time.

Away from all those that I'm close to.

And just y'know being in a space that I can truly be myself.

Without all the distractions from everyone I love.

^ ^ ^

This fucking line just caused me to break down so hard.

I hate myself for pushing people away.

Like I don't physically show it but I know deep inside I do.

And it fucking sucks.

To hate the people you love the most.

How ironic.

I don't even know how to explain this.

1 July 2023.

A random night that just caught me so off guard.

From nothing.

Can't wait for BKK.

Beautifully written

The visual art in this film was just insane.

And I think the portrayal of Mile's emotions as we journey through the film was amazing.

How big problems kept getting bigger.

And you can really feel the seriousness of the issue building up.

I think the whole idea of Mile being so lonely was captured really well.

The betrayal of Gwen, the betrayal of every single person and that no one understood what he truly stood for.

That feeling of loneliness as if he was the only sane person in his own world hit me very hard.

His ideation of the world was completely wrecked.

And felt as if whatever he was taught growing up was being torn apart.

I can only imagine the pain he was feeling.

And just right before the movie, I was just contemplating about this concept.

About whether I am a different version of myself or is it a dimensional shift when I'm like this.

Is it me or the surrounding changed?

And I think about it logically, of course it's me.

Aight, idk what I'm taking about anymore.

Gonna chill on the train with Spiderverse's OST.

So good.

Definitely a close one to EEAAOO.

REAL BAD

 Been a fucking long time since I've been like this.

Honestly just really glad to be able to cry like this again after so many years.

You guys asked me why, all I can say it's an addition of every fucking thing that's bothering me.

And I thank all of you for just being there right beside me.

So... thank you.

You guys know who u r.

Key points from today's journalling

 "Feels like everyone is trying their best in life.

And I look at myself and wonder if I'm even trying at all.

Why do I always feel like the whole world is moving forward except for me.

Because it's facts, or what?"

I kept thinking

That you two were similar.

Now I know,

it's the demon living inside that is.

And it's very wrong of me to associate every single thing.

LOL

 

This came out when I googled.

I wonder

Where I'd score in the abstract concept of Universal Pain Spectrum.

This morning

(Or afternoon)

Can be described with one line.

And that is, "Why the fuck is my morning always like this?"

It almost feels,

Unfair.

oofy night

Pretty damn intense day I must say...

Not expecting any of these thoughts to happen at all until I went to Gravical.

Seeing so many familiar faces just triggered an avalanche of memories buried too deep down.

I did not intend for all of these to resurface all at once but I guess it did.

Reading back on the texts w you and the confessions back in 2017 felt so insane.

(Okay I read back even more texts and I should probably stop before I go crazy tonight)

And it just reminds me that all whatever I am feeling these days are particularly similar to whatever I was feeling in 2017.

Or rather early 2018.

Trip girl -> Girl while tripping

Escapism(?)

I remembered writing on and on that day at the corner of Dek's place.

I felt the power of expression through its writing form.

Today felt more like a verbal form.

And I felt like communication is such a powerful social tool.

We are all living in our bubbles of consciousness.

And to speak feels like putting the parts of the bubbles out there in common space.

A speech bubble.

And how amazing it is for our consciousness to coincide and experience each other's perspective.

It's been 15 hours of 1/4 and honestly feeling some sensory overload.

But it feels really okay to have them just floating around.

I finally spoke out uncomfortable topics that I never once thought was possible to say.

It was nice but scary at the same time.

As these speech bubbles diffuse into THEIR consciousness.

Life has been pretty tough recently.

I'm finding myself lacking energy to even empathise.

I guess this feels similar to those times, when I said such hurtful things to you.

And suddenly recall saying so much things to you(1) too.

Can't believe I talked to you about the spiraling dark relationship. (In this exact description)

And felt like you understood completely.

I guess I was indeed truthful about the fact that I feel very heard.

It was such a good feeling...

And ultimately, the danger comes if it's a one sided kind of connection.

:')

Eggshells

Walking on my own eggshells

Everyday.

關於我和鬼變成家人的那件事

It's been so many years since I've stepped into this industry but I can never forget the pain of being misunderstood and looked down upon by my Dad.

I mean this film has no direct relatable scenes but seeing how 毛毛 was given the cold shoulder treatment after confessing to his dad that he's gay felt so awfully familiar.

The ongoing, unspoken cold war ever since I've chose this path to be in this industry.

The subtle act of a father slowly accepting his son's path.

But never ever gotten to speak to each other about it.

It hit me hard that I feel so much pain from these unspoken words.

It's always films with Dad and Son's relationship that tears me up like these.

And just sitting through this 2 hours film, I felt a sense of temporary relief.

I hope we won't be too late to talk about this elephant.

I hope I'll be ready soon.

Escapism

Am drinking now but was just wondering about things.

Was wondering about how I judge myself for things I do that seem overboard.

And giving myself that ultimatum that I'm depressed and I'm not normal at all.

And that literally just opens up that sinkhole and everything just spirals into it. 

About mental health

On the way to work now and just thinking how difficult it is to speak out about mental health at work.

I mean if you are late for work because you had a rough morning head, and it was hard for you to get out of bed.

You can't simply say, "Sorry I'm depressed."

I feel like the general reaction from people would be to think it's just an excuse.

Or simply put, just weak.

I don't know... I'm viewing this from a normal person's POV and it really does sound like bullshit.

But viewing this from someone struggling, it does sound really unfair though.

To be judged in that way.

Just a reminder to myself to be kind to people.

You'd never know.

And no I wasn't late for work to write this hahaha.

Walls

Was just writing in my journal and thought this pretty much sums up however I'm feeling ever since I came back from Grampians?

The walls that I've built for protection are now deterring my true emotions from pouring out.

There were so many moments I really felt like crying out loud but just ended up with teary eyes.

And that itself is pretty frustrating.

Just feeling like

Everything's in a fucking mess right now.

I feel very lonely in whatever I'm dealing with. 

Can't deal with this trading shit but somehow always end up getting back.

Finances are in shit right now.

Told myself to take a break. 

And then just putting in more money to burn.

Told myself to take this world slow

Played ml from 2pm to 6.45am

I did practically nothing today.

Other than losing game and losing money.

I have just uninstalled the two apps.

Please, I need some sanity.

I don't know why I'm acting this way today too.

It's almost 7am, the birds are chirping.

And I feel very very lonely.

And I'm scared of waking up because the next morning I'll feel even worse about myself.

I'm just ranting.

Hate this.

Life.

Messy chaotic situation that I don't wanna be in.

I want out.

Now.

Wired differently

A chaotic energy.

It's like

So many things happened in my head.

But nothing happened in reality. (Really, nothing happened)

But that same emotion that's flooding internally is expressed outwardly.

And it sucks that I can't really control this false altered experience.

And I just perpetually feel apologetic for making the external world feel tense around me. 

But sometimes I wonder if it's entirely false.

History has taught me that my senses are pretty accurate.

I yearn to learn the truth.

Soon I hope.

Concept of death

The concept of death and grief had always been the toughest things to talk about.

But it was beautifully written in this chapter of the book that I'm reading.

It describes the pain, the discomfort of the topic with your loved ones and post-grief life.

So difficult to read but it changed a part of me, even if it's the slightest bit.

AR

Indeed feels like an alternate reality.

I'm afraid I might be using it to escape the pain.

This whole thing just feels so familiarly painful.

And it's funny because nothing happened.

Grampian 2023

Realised that every trip that hit me hard always has a song that is tagged to it.

And I guess the two that are kinda tagged to the trip is 

The Girl In Byakkoya - Susumu Hirasawa

I don't love you - My Chemical Romance

It is hard to believe the trip has ended just like that.

Sitting in my room typing and feeling the thick calluses on my finger tips, while listening to The Girl In Byakkoya.

Everything is just caving in now.

Transferring all the footages captured into my computer now.

I'm gonna have a really bad nostalgia.

I think what I told Rachel, my trip ended in Melbourne.

I think one of the highlights of our Grampians trip was really staying in Troopers Creek.

Disconnect to connect was one of the best feelings in the world.

Coming back to Singapore or even Melbourne made me realise the huge difference in that.

If there's anything I would like to takeaway from the trip is to use less of my phone and being more present in the physical reality around me.

It was a good trip.

A really good one.

I don't even know how to begin but in general, being out there with the nature, doing very basic things like waking up to make breakfast and preparing crag food, starting fire, refilling diesel into our generator etc.

All these 'problems' are the only ones we were worrying about in our stay there.

Whether we had enough water up the crags, what is the weather like, what do I wear.

Such simple problem that hardly cross your mind when you're living in the city.

After drowning myself in work, stressful trading, disconnection from my friends and reality, it felt really good to just be human again.

All the complex problems are taken over by all these simple yet important ones.

Going to Melbourne was a really quick transition and I couldn't handle it.

Being out in a place where there are hardly any humans and then snap, I found myself in the middle of Melbourne, being swarmed by noises and people.

It caught me really off guard and I was pretty affected by it.

No more smoking in the backyard in the cold, no more dirtbag attire.

No more sub 15 degrees weather, no more long drives on the road.

No more nature.

This is a really bittersweet ending to this trip, but I'm glad I brought my camera (again) to immortalise these memories and feelings.

And maybe one day when I'm feeling so overwhelmed with this city landscape, I can look back at this trip and take a little breather.

Because there's so much more to life than this.

It was a nice chapter.

Thank you to all 6 of you for making this trip so memorable.

Daryl, Jason, Deng Hui, Rachel, Irham and Elin.

Ryan and Bryan who joined us on this trip as well.

Huge congratulations to Ryan for sending Ammagamma~

And to Jason who's probably been through so much in his mind.

It was the best show I've ever watched.

I could feel the internal fight so much, and I'm sure you've gave in your best.

Ammagamma will be waiting for you bro!

Thank you Grampians for bringing back the psyche of climbing to me.

To many more rock trips in the future.

Cheers~

Day (?) Gramps

Sitting by the backyard and just soaking in the sunset.

Thinking that it probably be good to write down some thoughts.

Feels pretty used to this lifestyle here.

Faraway from work, family and friends.

After trying Gay Hip Flexor V7 yesterday, felt kinda down and just suddenly depressed.

Not by the route but triggered by the route.

It was clear that my thoughts can be easily skewed to the negative side.

With just some bad triggers and the whole world seems to just crash very quickly.

And it was also clear that there are so much more triggers back at home.

It's scary that families and friends can be considered as triggers sometimes.

And I guess that's why I feel so much better right here.

Being so close to nature for the past week just reminded me of how fast paced the city life is.

That's probably the reason why I hate being in Singapore so much.

It's so easy with every overseas trip to say that yes I want to slow down my thoughts and the pace I'm moving with life.

But every single time, this concept gets devoured quickly by my own lifestyle.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one that feels like this when they head back home after an overseas trip but I just want to pen down what I'm feeling now as a form of memory.

Every single one of us that came to this trip probably feels a tad different from who they are back in Singapore.

In a good way where none of us are carried away from the distractions of life. 

It honestly feels a lot like hampi, and maybe that's why I kinda said that this could be my 2nf best overseas trip in my life. 

And I guess the similarity I can think of is the cold and being out in the nature, faraway from humans.

It's a good trip so far.

And I really don't want to forget this feeling.

DPDR

Before I start doing some administrative work today, I wish to write this down because it's getting a little overwhelming as I think about it.

These few days, DPDR feels pretty strongly and I really can't function properly, especially moments when I just wake up.

I guess it's good that I recognise it now.

I don't even know how to describe how this feels.

It's like phasing in and out of reality and mostly just moving around this Earth like a possessed soul.

What caused it?

I don't really know, I guess the stress from trading (which I told everyone I had stopped but hands got itchy and lost a few more hundreds last week).

The lack of deep communications with the people around me?

The work that seems cyclical?

And maybe just the lack of spending time with myself and feeling things I'm supposed to feel.

And thus my brain has decided that it's a little too much, telling myself to stop and look around me.

Honestly, work has been really great.

Really enjoyed DP-ing for Ah De even though I feel like I could have done a lot better as a DP.

But professionalism aside, I think it's really nice to work with the crews on Ah De.

Tuesday will be the last day we'll be working together.

I'm sure I gonna miss sitting in Dion's van, rush reading the script and then executing whatever I know or learnt on past sets or from YouTube to shoot this online series.

It has been a really eye-opening experience for me (though initially stressful).

And I wish I can shoot more narratives in the time to come.

There's so much more to learn and so much people to meet.

And just thinking of that just makes me excited about my career.

It's like 4 more weeks to Grampians and honestly pretty excited for it too.

Can finally take a break from this society and just live an alternate experience entirely.

Guess the DPDR feeling is getting away after penning down what's on my mind.

A glimpse of clarity as I write things down.

Allez to myself.

<3

Itzy Checkmate Singapore 2023

Went to Itzy's concert today with Wei Lun!!

It was honestly an eye opening experience.

Never expected myself to go to a kpop concert.

Though we're both not really Midzy, it was still a really intense day.

When all the members were giving their heartfelt speech, and when Midzys were all listening attentively, I just felt this weird sense of belonging in this community of HUMANS. 

It's as if all of us were connected at that point in time.

Especially when they were saying things like though we don't see each other face to face, and probably the next time might be years, I felt this global connection via their music.

I don't know how to put it but it was really quite mad.

Can't imagine when Twice comes to Singapore, will definitely cry buckets for them.

Thank you Itzy for this very special night.

<3

Lion

It's the start of the year and I've spend every living day watching (G)I-DLE. 

Great to have a fresh kpop group that I stan, though they are also 5 years idol just like when I first stan Twice.

Soyeon <3

Rare group that I like every single members.

Can't wait to go to their concert in the future which I missed in October in Singapore zzzz.

Anyway was just thinking of how fast my mind is processing things when I just wake up.

I fking hate it when there's like a million things in my head when I wake up every day.

Just been realising it from a third person's perspective recently.

I wish I can be more aware to slow down my thoughts in the morning.

ITZY concert in 2 weeks~ psyched

Friends (Or rather humans)

Countdown party last night at Isaac's

And seeing people break down after drinking, just made me realise how fragile everyone is.

And how untrue social media can be.