So many posts today

But I guess this is probably the truest post since I'm mellowing down now.

It was a nice day despite feeling so much.

Just finished watching Elemental and just wanted to write down my feelings after watching it.

Ember's relationship with her Dad...

It just felt exactly like the one with my Dad.

I guess when I was younger, I think Dad was pretty proud of me.

I think out of the 3 of us, I'm the one that gave him the least trouble growing up.

And I just feel like I was his pride.

Being able to study in local U, and earning big bucks in the future.

And I guess things turned for the worse when he knew what I wanted to do.

Film.

In the last few years ever since I have decided on this path, I knew I would be breaking his heart.

I remembered very clearly crying out in Hampi, thinking that I'm the worst son ever.

And that I am the most unfilial one.

I think in Elementals, I could feel it so strongly when Ember said to her Dad and apologised for being a bad daughter.

That line crashed me because that's exactly how I've been feeling with my Dad.

And with this trading thing that's been ongoing in my life, I have no courage to tell him that it's been rough for me but I'm just trying very hard in life.

I'm sure he knows I go out to drink at night when I say I'm going opposite.

And I'm sure he knows I'm trying very hard.

But it just hurts knowing that I'm not progressing in life.

And I don't know if there will be a day where he will be proud of me.

In Elementals, Ember's Dad told her that his dream was never for her to take over the shop.

It felt like an analogy for me that my Dad's dream wasn't for me to make big bucks or whatsoever.

I think he will be proud of me, if I am proud of myself one day.

It felt really good to cry it out in the theatre.

And luckily this time round there wasn't annoying kids like when I was watching spider verse.

That short 2 hour felt like a self-therapy session.

Or rather the whole of today felt like a soul searching day.

And I'm sure I will feel it even more in the few days that I'm gonna be in Bangkok alone.

I am kinda excited and scared of being with me at the same time.

4 more days.

Let's find some self love please.

And self care.

See you then.