I want to die but I want to eat tteokbokki

Just wanted to write some stuffs here while I'm feeling numb / overwhelm.

I don't even know which I am feeling anymore.

Life has revolved around trading like what I said.

But it's been revolving for a good 15 months now.

And how the metaphorical representation of trading in my life is woven so deep now.

It's scary.

Like it feels like my depression / anxiety / future depends on it.

And that idea that my whole life depends on it makes it so stressful for me to trade well and logically.

I've busted my combine again after reaching 6k.

And honestly I am really tired.

I know I've said that too many times.

I don't even know what I want to say nowadays.

I am probably taking a 2 weeks break from trading?

Finally taking a break.

The last time was Grampians.

It's been half a year since I took a break lol.

But I hope this break gonna let me see life again.

Almost lifeless but also trying really hard to recover mentally.

I finished "I want to die but I want to eat tteokbokki" just yesterday.

And I remembered wanting to write down some stuffs about it.

I wrote some parts of it in my personal IG.

But I think what I'd really take away from it is the importance of human interaction.

As much as life is tough (Really tough) right now, being able to just interact with humans make me feel slightly better.

And I know I have to force myself to interact to recover.

And like what the author wrote, not just interacting with one person, but with several different people.

The author wrote about being able to talk to people when she was younger and finding it more difficult as she grew up.

And after she went for therapy, she started sharing her thoughts with people around her.

The act of sharing her thoughts with people made her feel like is a better way of living.

The idea of togetherness as a collective human civilisation (?)

It resonated really well with me.

Or rather with the younger version of me.

And I knew I had lost it recently.

She also wrote about the idea of conforming to society.

It hit me that I've been "Conforming to society" because I have been comparing with people around me.

How social media has made me jealous of people who I know the younger me wouldn't give a fuck about.

And it's sad that I am seeing it now.

But I guess never late than never.

I don't even know what I'm writing anymore (how I usually end my posts now)

But I just wanted to write whatever that popped up in my head.

I want to feel better.

I want to make things work.

I know I am in the process of recovery and I'm unsure how long it'll take.

It scares me not knowing what the future lies (especially with this deeply intertwined life with trading now).

GADFKLGJDL:GKJSDF

Bye