Space

Don't want to waste this space just to journal down all my depressive episodes and vent my frustrations.

So here's me talking about reservist and me passing TopStep.

Reservist was... 

Definitely tiring.

But it sure took my eyes off my phone and computer.

And really interact with people.

The simplest of communication without technology.

That was one of the top thing I truly enjoyed and appreciated in camp.

BME was dead ass tiring walking under Code Black Sun.

Carrying Matador for the mission reminds me of how tanky I was back in active days.

And got reminded of how tough times was really a mind over body / mind over mind kind of thing.

Looked at my callsign "undying" on my IBA just reminded me of how I was respected as the tank of my platoon in OCS.

Or even in GCC.

Still feel that pride of being a guardsman even though this year's BME was abit disappointing.

Will be the OC again for next year, dreadful as I am already, but I know it will be fruitful when it ends.

Glad to catch up with my Plt 3 guys even though it's just a short while.

That short 2 week just reminded of all the times back in active days.

And it's crazy to know it has already been 10 years since I have been in 3 guards.

It was really a nice break from life.

Other than reservist, I HAVE PASSED TOPSTEP.

I reached the profit target of 9k in slightly less than 1 month's time.

With 4 resets though.

When I saw my account balance reached 159k, I stopped and stare at the ES chart.

And everything just came rushing in.

All the crushed up nights, all the lost days, all that lonely fights all came crashing on me.

I freaking bawled in front of my computer.

Because this means so much to me.

It is really a huge milestone for me.

Just some statistics, the trader's discord chat I'm in, out of 2.5k members, only 200 of them are funded traders.

And I have successfully joined them. 

I'm honestly both excited and scared.

Excited because this whole trading thing might finally work out.

Fearful because I'm scared this hope above might just be crushed if I fuck up this account.

But nevertheless, this gives me confidence that I can actually be consistent.

Even if I might bust my account again, I'm at least sure now that I'll definitely be able to get funded all over again.

I will update about this again!

For now, I am slightly less depressed.

And more motivated in fixing things.

Slowly, hopefully things will be okay soon.

Good job weeps <3