How do I quantify whether things are getting worse for me?
I look at the hours it takes for me to feel okay from when I wake up.
In the past when there's school, going to school and seeing people will stop the mind from going crazy.
But right now, I spend most of my time at home.
And honestly, I would say that times are getting tougher.
The dark feeling drags on for too long, usually it ends in an hour or two.
But now it drags on to the evening.
It's really scary.
I don't know, maybe I need professional help to keep me sane.
Or maybe I just need a better plan in my future than wasting my time playing ML and not being productive everyday.
There is seriously something wrong with me.
I hate to compare myself with who I was before I graduated.
I was so determined to prove the whole world wrong.
But looking at my finances every time, I am just stuck.
It gets fuzzy all the time.
Easily triggered by my parents when they tell me to change job.
But who sees the effort I am making to make a living.
So much for 'doing something I like'.
I'm starting to get really tired of doing these things.
I feel like I'm in some sort of a mess.
Like I can't get my shit together.
Everytime I tell myself I have to be better, then somehow I just end up back to square one.
I don't know what I need.
More jobs?
Or something that will spark me to persevere?
Climb more (so that I can be sane?)
Quarter life crisis is pretty real.
I'm stuck on my keyboard yet again.
And this feeling sucks because I know I have a lot of things in my head that I need to dig out.
Let's device a plan for my mental health first before my career.
Friday, November 29, 2019
Monday, November 25, 2019
Don't know how to feel
I remember there was a time I was a mad fan of Goo Hara.
That was like in 2013, where I'd watch her reality series, listen to Kara, watch Kara etc.
I mean those were in the past.
So Hara's suicide made me not know how to feel.
Because it was like a "young me fanboy-ing" kind of thing back then.
I mean I grew out of it.
But I'm just thinking if it happened in 2013, I would definitely be very sad.
Like it hit me because like hey, everyone is growing up.
And you never know and you will never know really, when depression creeps in on someone.
And it's so silent that's why it's scary.
I'm just in a shock.
Rest in peace.
That was like in 2013, where I'd watch her reality series, listen to Kara, watch Kara etc.
I mean those were in the past.
So Hara's suicide made me not know how to feel.
Because it was like a "young me fanboy-ing" kind of thing back then.
I mean I grew out of it.
But I'm just thinking if it happened in 2013, I would definitely be very sad.
Like it hit me because like hey, everyone is growing up.
And you never know and you will never know really, when depression creeps in on someone.
And it's so silent that's why it's scary.
I'm just in a shock.
Rest in peace.
Sunday, November 10, 2019
Freelancing is tough
You know, I woke up this morning feeling like shit.
But then again, which mornings I haven't wake up feeling like this.
I read back on my previous post to find myself feeling almost exactly like how I was feeling.
But today, there was some form of self-reflection going on.
So the thing is, I have a choice in my actions that cause me to feel like this.
So one of them was about my sleeping cycle.
I sleep at 4-5 am lately and wake up 12-2pm.
And I remembered waking up at 5.30am the other time for a wedding shoot and not feeling any signs of a depressed soul.
But I could be wrong, maybe it's because there was work to do and I didn't have time to dwell into the cracks of my brain.
And then I look back to my army days... Well, that's self explanatory.
But I remembered feeling tired but not this kind of TIRED.
So I'm just thinking whether waking up early will make me feel better.
I googled about waking up late and depression the first thing when I woke up just now.
I didn't finish the article but I felt like I could relate to most of the things written.
It's been awhile since I read such things (for myself).
And to my surprise, it just dawned on me that I am, waking up feeling tired, isolating from social life (not really isolating but a lot less), did not enjoy work, lost interest in climbing.
I mean these are just signs of depression.
And I felt like I could very well be slipping back.
It's scary of course lol.
I don't know, at this point of time, with a positive side and negative side of me fighting constantly now, the only thoughts I hear are, I HAVE A CHOICE.
And to me it just means that, I have a choice to sleep earlier, and wake up earlier.
Don't have to rush to work immediately in the morning but maybe I'll feel better?
I want to try it but at the same time, it's like leaving this dark familiarity that offers some sort of comfort in me.
And yes back to the title, freelancing is tough.
I think the only thing I think about now is work, my edits, my finances, my future.
But I let them drown me to a point where I don't see the present.
On the bright side (lol), I'm left with one last edit to finish.
I'm like excited to shoot my own 1 min short film which I told Claire and Jun Wen about.
And both of them just tell me "JUST DO IT LA".
Like, it's really affirming.
And it gives me so much energy even if it's just a one-liner.
I'm letting too much self-doubt pull me down.
(Okay, wait a moment, I'm letting too much positivity get to me now)
You know those moments when you suddenly feel like wew, you can achieve everything as long as you set your mind to it.
Yeah, I wrote until I had that moment lol.
But okay, I'm gonna eat lunch, I'm a hungry man.
My takeaway from this post:
YOU HAVE A CHOICE.
Let you guys know if I actually try sleeping earlier and waking up earlier.
Thanks for being in my life guyz.
But then again, which mornings I haven't wake up feeling like this.
I read back on my previous post to find myself feeling almost exactly like how I was feeling.
But today, there was some form of self-reflection going on.
So the thing is, I have a choice in my actions that cause me to feel like this.
So one of them was about my sleeping cycle.
I sleep at 4-5 am lately and wake up 12-2pm.
And I remembered waking up at 5.30am the other time for a wedding shoot and not feeling any signs of a depressed soul.
But I could be wrong, maybe it's because there was work to do and I didn't have time to dwell into the cracks of my brain.
And then I look back to my army days... Well, that's self explanatory.
But I remembered feeling tired but not this kind of TIRED.
So I'm just thinking whether waking up early will make me feel better.
I googled about waking up late and depression the first thing when I woke up just now.
I didn't finish the article but I felt like I could relate to most of the things written.
It's been awhile since I read such things (for myself).
And to my surprise, it just dawned on me that I am, waking up feeling tired, isolating from social life (not really isolating but a lot less), did not enjoy work, lost interest in climbing.
I mean these are just signs of depression.
And I felt like I could very well be slipping back.
It's scary of course lol.
I don't know, at this point of time, with a positive side and negative side of me fighting constantly now, the only thoughts I hear are, I HAVE A CHOICE.
And to me it just means that, I have a choice to sleep earlier, and wake up earlier.
Don't have to rush to work immediately in the morning but maybe I'll feel better?
I want to try it but at the same time, it's like leaving this dark familiarity that offers some sort of comfort in me.
And yes back to the title, freelancing is tough.
I think the only thing I think about now is work, my edits, my finances, my future.
But I let them drown me to a point where I don't see the present.
On the bright side (lol), I'm left with one last edit to finish.
I'm like excited to shoot my own 1 min short film which I told Claire and Jun Wen about.
And both of them just tell me "JUST DO IT LA".
Like, it's really affirming.
And it gives me so much energy even if it's just a one-liner.
I'm letting too much self-doubt pull me down.
(Okay, wait a moment, I'm letting too much positivity get to me now)
You know those moments when you suddenly feel like wew, you can achieve everything as long as you set your mind to it.
Yeah, I wrote until I had that moment lol.
But okay, I'm gonna eat lunch, I'm a hungry man.
My takeaway from this post:
YOU HAVE A CHOICE.
Let you guys know if I actually try sleeping earlier and waking up earlier.
Thanks for being in my life guyz.
Sunday, October 6, 2019
Unsaid
I woke up bawling.
It's been so long since I've ever cried like this.
I think the last time I did was in Hope church.
I sprained my ankle yesterday from vertigo, so somehow my dream world registered that I had a sprained ankle too.
So I was in the hospital with my mum and another friend.
I was lying on the hospital bed, telling my friend that actually the sprained ankle is okay and that the other time when I broke my leg was worse.
Then this one liner thought from my dream made me cry like a baby till I woke up.
I was telling my friend 'my mum had always been there for me'
It hit me so hard to the point where I was thrown back to the last night in Hampi when I was drunk and cried about how unfilial of a son I am.
Honestly, I was crying a little louder in the hope that my mum or dad was in the kitchen and that they would come in and asked me what happened.
That would be the most emotional and appropriate time in my life to tell them exactly how much they meant to me.
Because of adulting, this crying session woke me up and reminded myself that life is not all about the money, but the people around you.
And when I understood the situation that I was crying alone in my room, the metaphor of me being so lonely these while kicked in really hard.
I've been holding on and sucking in everything that life gave me.
I never felt like I had an outlet until just a few moments ago.
The title of this post is 'unsaid'.
The third thing I think about is how I felt like this whole morning incident could be written into a story.
About unsaid words and regrets.
Guess I'm going back to sleep.
Unsaid. Maybe a new story to write about.
It's been so long since I've ever cried like this.
I think the last time I did was in Hope church.
I sprained my ankle yesterday from vertigo, so somehow my dream world registered that I had a sprained ankle too.
So I was in the hospital with my mum and another friend.
I was lying on the hospital bed, telling my friend that actually the sprained ankle is okay and that the other time when I broke my leg was worse.
Then this one liner thought from my dream made me cry like a baby till I woke up.
I was telling my friend 'my mum had always been there for me'
It hit me so hard to the point where I was thrown back to the last night in Hampi when I was drunk and cried about how unfilial of a son I am.
Honestly, I was crying a little louder in the hope that my mum or dad was in the kitchen and that they would come in and asked me what happened.
That would be the most emotional and appropriate time in my life to tell them exactly how much they meant to me.
Because of adulting, this crying session woke me up and reminded myself that life is not all about the money, but the people around you.
And when I understood the situation that I was crying alone in my room, the metaphor of me being so lonely these while kicked in really hard.
I've been holding on and sucking in everything that life gave me.
I never felt like I had an outlet until just a few moments ago.
The title of this post is 'unsaid'.
The third thing I think about is how I felt like this whole morning incident could be written into a story.
About unsaid words and regrets.
Guess I'm going back to sleep.
Unsaid. Maybe a new story to write about.
Thursday, October 3, 2019
Trying
Trying to prove my worth yet again.
It's a reminder for me to work even harder.
Honestly, it's taking quite a while for me to get used to this lifestyle.
And I realised that whenever I am not out doing something, I feel like I'm wasting my time and I'm not productive.
And I think that's one of the part that I'm still getting used to.
I need to get used to resting.
I think I've been working non-stop for the past months.
And I think I'm doing pretty okay.
The learning pace is alright, no one gives me much stress.
Had a talk with Bryan at the wrap party 2 days ago.
It was a nice conversation even though it was short.
We were talking about how we're so passionate.
Like how we're "all in" and that there's "no turning back"
Watching youtube, instagram and just immersing ourselves in film every single day.
"Aiming to be DP by 30 years old" was like a common thing for both of us.
I don't know what I wanted to write about honestly.
I opened this up and just felt like a blank.
It's like the TV static in my head.
Everything's just buzzing.
I feel like I haven't take care of myself properly.
And that I haven't been listening to myself, talking to myself.
I haven't been really reflecting because things just keep piling up and I don't have time to think about the things going around me.
I've been stress but I haven't really talk to people about it.
I've been really tired and unmotivated at times, but people only see that I'm doing 'pretty well'.
I wish for someone to ask me whether things are okay.
But yet I know everyone's just busy with their own things.
I need to rest, but the thought of not proving my worth to my family when I rest makes me want to get out and do something.
But it's a TIRED MOTIVATION.
It's a wrong motivation I know.
And then the last part of all these thoughts would be, I am so far from where I want to be.
My shots, my edits are all nothing compared to those out there.
And then it starts crashing down on me, whether this will really work out.
But all I hear, is a BUZZ.
Nothing but a buzz.
Unheard.
It's a reminder for me to work even harder.
Honestly, it's taking quite a while for me to get used to this lifestyle.
And I realised that whenever I am not out doing something, I feel like I'm wasting my time and I'm not productive.
And I think that's one of the part that I'm still getting used to.
I need to get used to resting.
I think I've been working non-stop for the past months.
And I think I'm doing pretty okay.
The learning pace is alright, no one gives me much stress.
Had a talk with Bryan at the wrap party 2 days ago.
It was a nice conversation even though it was short.
We were talking about how we're so passionate.
Like how we're "all in" and that there's "no turning back"
Watching youtube, instagram and just immersing ourselves in film every single day.
"Aiming to be DP by 30 years old" was like a common thing for both of us.
I don't know what I wanted to write about honestly.
I opened this up and just felt like a blank.
It's like the TV static in my head.
Everything's just buzzing.
I feel like I haven't take care of myself properly.
And that I haven't been listening to myself, talking to myself.
I haven't been really reflecting because things just keep piling up and I don't have time to think about the things going around me.
I've been stress but I haven't really talk to people about it.
I've been really tired and unmotivated at times, but people only see that I'm doing 'pretty well'.
I wish for someone to ask me whether things are okay.
But yet I know everyone's just busy with their own things.
I need to rest, but the thought of not proving my worth to my family when I rest makes me want to get out and do something.
But it's a TIRED MOTIVATION.
It's a wrong motivation I know.
And then the last part of all these thoughts would be, I am so far from where I want to be.
My shots, my edits are all nothing compared to those out there.
And then it starts crashing down on me, whether this will really work out.
But all I hear, is a BUZZ.
Nothing but a buzz.
Unheard.
Sunday, September 15, 2019
Humility
Got to visit Keith's family the other day because data wrangling was taking too long.
It was interesting to see the dynamics of his family.
He was perceived as a small boy in the eyes of all his aunts.
It was a little weird to see his aunt pat his head and said that it's okay, don't be stress.
His wife was nice though, and his son is so cute.
And in my mind I was like, wow.
This is the family of a dp.
Totally not what I expected it to be.
I can see why he's such a humble and honest person.
I'm sure his family is proud of his achievements.
I hope one day my family will be proud of who I am too in the future.
And that I have the capability to do what I love and support the family.
It's sometimes tiring to 'work for money'.
Sometimes I wish that I have more say in the work I do for the clients.
Actually maybe I do, just that I need to manage my pool of creativity.
I think inspirations are very important to keep me going.
Especially in the creative sense.
Maybe I'm not as creative as those out there but I guess hardwork to seek creativity might pay off.
Need to constantly immerse myself in the content of the industry to better myself.
So I guess a note to myself would be to just continue what I'm doing.
And remind myself that if I'm not doing this, there would probably be nothing else that interests me enough to keep me going.
Lots of trying and lots of learning.
Allez to myself!
It was interesting to see the dynamics of his family.
He was perceived as a small boy in the eyes of all his aunts.
It was a little weird to see his aunt pat his head and said that it's okay, don't be stress.
His wife was nice though, and his son is so cute.
And in my mind I was like, wow.
This is the family of a dp.
Totally not what I expected it to be.
I can see why he's such a humble and honest person.
I'm sure his family is proud of his achievements.
I hope one day my family will be proud of who I am too in the future.
And that I have the capability to do what I love and support the family.
It's sometimes tiring to 'work for money'.
Sometimes I wish that I have more say in the work I do for the clients.
Actually maybe I do, just that I need to manage my pool of creativity.
I think inspirations are very important to keep me going.
Especially in the creative sense.
Maybe I'm not as creative as those out there but I guess hardwork to seek creativity might pay off.
Need to constantly immerse myself in the content of the industry to better myself.
So I guess a note to myself would be to just continue what I'm doing.
And remind myself that if I'm not doing this, there would probably be nothing else that interests me enough to keep me going.
Lots of trying and lots of learning.
Allez to myself!
Saturday, September 7, 2019
Morning struggles
It's been awhile but recently, I wake up in the morning feeling like shit again.
Anxious, annoyed, tired, lack of motivation.
I don't know why, maybe it's cause of the amount of work I have to do.
But ain't I supposed to like what I'm doing?
Why am I dreading waking up some times?
I think it's time to slow down whatever I'm doing and reflect about the past 3 months.
I mean life has been rather fine for me...
The amount of work coming in has been really quite okay.
Let's just break down the amount of money I will have earned by end of October.
BA - 500
Wedding - 1100
DWEN assist - 150
NEA edit - 250
SMU edit - 300 (?)
CPF edit - 500 (?)
MPFC cam B - 450
Ninja.sg - 500 (?)
Educare - 1600 (?)
MPFC 2 cam B - 450 (?)
Wedding 2 - 1200
Grip TVC - 100
Grip 20th sept - 150
7000 + - It's actually not that bad for a start I guess?
I think the annoying part is always the client.
I think that's the most triggering thing for me.
And I really really need to learn to work with client.
I may have the camera skills but I don't think my PR skills are good.
So also, to update those loyal readers who still read this.
I got my intern at NOC.
And I'm supposedly starting my intern on the 1 Nov.
But I have been flamed by all the people I've worked with.
Saying that I shouldn't go NOC because their production and cinematography is not as good.
I mean they are famous because of their content.
And I think that the connection over there is pretty good?
I really don't know.
I can't decide.
And fuck.
I woke up feeling like I have so much to rant about my life but right now I'm just keeping my hands at my keyboard, and thinking fuzzy things.
Not able to write down what is all in my head.
I just know I'm a little tired and a little lost.
And pretty unmotivated to improve myself.
Where's the guy who wanted to prove the world wrong?
Where's the guy who learn AE on his own free time.
Where's the guy who tries to analyse movies and edits?
Maybe all these are just my morning head.
But maybe all these are actually part of a deeper problem.
I need to fix this.
Somehow.
Anxious, annoyed, tired, lack of motivation.
I don't know why, maybe it's cause of the amount of work I have to do.
But ain't I supposed to like what I'm doing?
Why am I dreading waking up some times?
I think it's time to slow down whatever I'm doing and reflect about the past 3 months.
I mean life has been rather fine for me...
The amount of work coming in has been really quite okay.
Let's just break down the amount of money I will have earned by end of October.
BA - 500
Wedding - 1100
DWEN assist - 150
NEA edit - 250
SMU edit - 300 (?)
CPF edit - 500 (?)
MPFC cam B - 450
Ninja.sg - 500 (?)
Educare - 1600 (?)
MPFC 2 cam B - 450 (?)
Wedding 2 - 1200
Grip TVC - 100
Grip 20th sept - 150
7000 + - It's actually not that bad for a start I guess?
I think the annoying part is always the client.
I think that's the most triggering thing for me.
And I really really need to learn to work with client.
I may have the camera skills but I don't think my PR skills are good.
So also, to update those loyal readers who still read this.
I got my intern at NOC.
And I'm supposedly starting my intern on the 1 Nov.
But I have been flamed by all the people I've worked with.
Saying that I shouldn't go NOC because their production and cinematography is not as good.
I mean they are famous because of their content.
And I think that the connection over there is pretty good?
I really don't know.
I can't decide.
And fuck.
I woke up feeling like I have so much to rant about my life but right now I'm just keeping my hands at my keyboard, and thinking fuzzy things.
Not able to write down what is all in my head.
I just know I'm a little tired and a little lost.
And pretty unmotivated to improve myself.
Where's the guy who wanted to prove the world wrong?
Where's the guy who learn AE on his own free time.
Where's the guy who tries to analyse movies and edits?
Maybe all these are just my morning head.
But maybe all these are actually part of a deeper problem.
I need to fix this.
Somehow.
Thursday, June 27, 2019
Link
I think there's such a strong link between the current self and the past self.
Being able to feel a certain feeling that you used to feel, it's like an experience altogether.
It brings back the whole feeling.
I don't know what I'm trying to say...
But last night I felt like I was brought back.
The feeling was so strong.
The pain I'd felt for so many people.
Hope you're all doing well wherever you are..
Nicole asked me the other day. What did I do to get out of depression?
The first thought that came to my mind was...
Did I really have depression? Or was I just really really sad?
To be honest, I can't tell.
But I know that my mornings are so much better now.
Just a year back, I remember everytime I open up my eyes in the morning and realise that my existence is filled with so much bizarre pain that I can't explain, I just want it to stop so bad.
I cry in the bathroom for no fucking reasons.
It was tiring, it was dark, it was a place where I wouldn't want anyone to be in.
The harder I shut my eyes, the louder the voices.
But I kinda made it I guess?
Things are brightening up, thoughts are definitely more rational now.
No more emotional weepin.
But I feel that it is like a dormant volcano.
I think only the deepest crack in the earth will send me into a crazy eruption.
But for now I'm good.
I'm afloat.
I'm breathing.
I'm living.
For now.
Being able to feel a certain feeling that you used to feel, it's like an experience altogether.
It brings back the whole feeling.
I don't know what I'm trying to say...
But last night I felt like I was brought back.
The feeling was so strong.
The pain I'd felt for so many people.
Hope you're all doing well wherever you are..
Nicole asked me the other day. What did I do to get out of depression?
The first thought that came to my mind was...
Did I really have depression? Or was I just really really sad?
To be honest, I can't tell.
But I know that my mornings are so much better now.
Just a year back, I remember everytime I open up my eyes in the morning and realise that my existence is filled with so much bizarre pain that I can't explain, I just want it to stop so bad.
I cry in the bathroom for no fucking reasons.
It was tiring, it was dark, it was a place where I wouldn't want anyone to be in.
The harder I shut my eyes, the louder the voices.
But I kinda made it I guess?
Things are brightening up, thoughts are definitely more rational now.
No more emotional weepin.
But I feel that it is like a dormant volcano.
I think only the deepest crack in the earth will send me into a crazy eruption.
But for now I'm good.
I'm afloat.
I'm breathing.
I'm living.
For now.
Her
This movie just fucked up with my brain so badly. It's about a guy who fell in love with an AI. And the ethical question kicks in. What is love? What do you mean by real emotions? It's so beautifully written, it questions our very own existence, our own consciousness. It just inspires me to want to learn to write a good story. It was raw human emotions. Our desires. I can't even describe how I'm feeling now it's really damn fucked up. It just made me into this mess right now and that I just want to type whatever that's going on in my mind. But of course it comes with the fact that I don't know whether it's wise for me to spill my thoughts out there for the world to see.
The movie made me think of you. How I've hurt you. How I've left you sitting at the playground alone and how I just disappeared from your life once and for all. I'm sorry. That's the only thing I could say. I remember you being angry at me for not being able to say what's on my mind. And that I could only write it down. You made me feel like I have a problem. And maybe indeed I have. And that was the cause of my actions. And how the thought of you irked me. But I just wanna say that I am sorry, if you ever read this. We are really too different. Please don't say that I didn't try. It hurts me when people can't see the effort that I put in to keep my life in check. I just hope that you're doing better, and that someone who cares sweeps you up. And let all these be just a memory. It wasn't that bad of a memory afterall I guess. Growing apart...
There's so much changes in my life right now that I realised that I'm still learning. On days like this, I want to open up my entire history of my life and share it with you once more. Maybe it's just a selfish thought of mine... But I feel like maybe you need to understand what's in my mind the whole time. And maybe you'll understand how I can't find the words to say to you when you're hurt deep down inside. I'm so sorry bb that I don't know how to make you feel better. All I can do is just calm myself and remind myself that I need to take care of myself first. It's a shield. I hope you see the importance of this shield to me. I'm afraid that I might just plunge back into the darkness without this shield. And know that I'm doing this for you. I want to protect you. I hope you see things from my view.
Dad. I am so sorry that we've ended up like how we are now. It hurts me so much to think that whatever I'm doing now is never going to make you proud. I know that you just want me to figure out what I want to do. Or rather, you want me to be able to have a sustainable life. I see it. I see where you're coming from. It scares me too honestly, when I think of what the future may hold. But I want you to know that I'm trying really hard too. I want to be able to live a life where I can say that money is not the most important thing in life. And that it's all the interactions, the relationships, and the love for each other that makes life life. It sucks that we're having this cold war now. It's been almost 2 months. I hope we can talk soon, without anyone flaring up at each other.
That was it. I'm glad to have this space for me to write without judgement. Where no one can tell me what's right or wrong. The movie brought me back to my old self. I could feel it. It was nice while it lasted...
The movie made me think of you. How I've hurt you. How I've left you sitting at the playground alone and how I just disappeared from your life once and for all. I'm sorry. That's the only thing I could say. I remember you being angry at me for not being able to say what's on my mind. And that I could only write it down. You made me feel like I have a problem. And maybe indeed I have. And that was the cause of my actions. And how the thought of you irked me. But I just wanna say that I am sorry, if you ever read this. We are really too different. Please don't say that I didn't try. It hurts me when people can't see the effort that I put in to keep my life in check. I just hope that you're doing better, and that someone who cares sweeps you up. And let all these be just a memory. It wasn't that bad of a memory afterall I guess. Growing apart...
There's so much changes in my life right now that I realised that I'm still learning. On days like this, I want to open up my entire history of my life and share it with you once more. Maybe it's just a selfish thought of mine... But I feel like maybe you need to understand what's in my mind the whole time. And maybe you'll understand how I can't find the words to say to you when you're hurt deep down inside. I'm so sorry bb that I don't know how to make you feel better. All I can do is just calm myself and remind myself that I need to take care of myself first. It's a shield. I hope you see the importance of this shield to me. I'm afraid that I might just plunge back into the darkness without this shield. And know that I'm doing this for you. I want to protect you. I hope you see things from my view.
Dad. I am so sorry that we've ended up like how we are now. It hurts me so much to think that whatever I'm doing now is never going to make you proud. I know that you just want me to figure out what I want to do. Or rather, you want me to be able to have a sustainable life. I see it. I see where you're coming from. It scares me too honestly, when I think of what the future may hold. But I want you to know that I'm trying really hard too. I want to be able to live a life where I can say that money is not the most important thing in life. And that it's all the interactions, the relationships, and the love for each other that makes life life. It sucks that we're having this cold war now. It's been almost 2 months. I hope we can talk soon, without anyone flaring up at each other.
That was it. I'm glad to have this space for me to write without judgement. Where no one can tell me what's right or wrong. The movie brought me back to my old self. I could feel it. It was nice while it lasted...
Tuesday, June 11, 2019
Hahaha
Damn it.
There's actually an actual film so similar to what I wrote for my TS mod.
Hahaha I love it. :')
You've got mail. (1998)
Book superstore magnate, Joe Fox and independent book shop owner, Kathleen Kelly fall in love in the anonymity of the Internet – both blissfully unaware that he’s putting her out of business.
Jazz.Livin
Quiet Darren is a victim of the notorious chief bully, Kester. Darren goes online to an anti-bullying forum to seek help and made an anonymous friend who faces similar bullying issues; Darren finds out the only friend he made is Kester, the chief bully.
The parting words that Ken gave the class was to never stop writing. Watching films night after night made me want to write something again. And maybe, just maybe in the future I'm able to produce something that I want to tell the world. I guess that's a dream. And I don't think it's unattainable.
Meanwhile, getting hired by this client isn't really the worst thing I guess. I mean it was really hard to get by the fact that I suddenly have so many things on my plate. Like it was a 0 to 100 moment from summer holidays. Like I didn't have time to let things sink in that I am going to start work. It was like a BAM, take this, you're going to start work now. But then again, I'm still excited nevertheless. This is probably my second legit income that I'm getting from making videos.
I don't know what to call myself yet. But as of now, I guess I'm a freelance content creator. And I guess an aspiring film maker too.
Good night.
There's actually an actual film so similar to what I wrote for my TS mod.
Hahaha I love it. :')
You've got mail. (1998)
Book superstore magnate, Joe Fox and independent book shop owner, Kathleen Kelly fall in love in the anonymity of the Internet – both blissfully unaware that he’s putting her out of business.
Jazz.Livin
Quiet Darren is a victim of the notorious chief bully, Kester. Darren goes online to an anti-bullying forum to seek help and made an anonymous friend who faces similar bullying issues; Darren finds out the only friend he made is Kester, the chief bully.
The parting words that Ken gave the class was to never stop writing. Watching films night after night made me want to write something again. And maybe, just maybe in the future I'm able to produce something that I want to tell the world. I guess that's a dream. And I don't think it's unattainable.
Meanwhile, getting hired by this client isn't really the worst thing I guess. I mean it was really hard to get by the fact that I suddenly have so many things on my plate. Like it was a 0 to 100 moment from summer holidays. Like I didn't have time to let things sink in that I am going to start work. It was like a BAM, take this, you're going to start work now. But then again, I'm still excited nevertheless. This is probably my second legit income that I'm getting from making videos.
I don't know what to call myself yet. But as of now, I guess I'm a freelance content creator. And I guess an aspiring film maker too.
Good night.
Monday, June 10, 2019
It's been a long while
It's yet another white space.
But all I wanted to say...
It could be because it's 4am right now.
And it could be really well because I just watched Silver Linings Playbook.
But I've realised that my life has changed quite a bit.
Ever since I met this girl.
And I want to thank her so much for the past few months.
The days aren't as dark as the past anymore.
The head isn't as noisy as before.
Things are looking good.
Life is starting to roll.
And I am excited for this journey.
I'm tearing as I write all of this.
Thank you for being in my life b.
But all I wanted to say...
It could be because it's 4am right now.
And it could be really well because I just watched Silver Linings Playbook.
But I've realised that my life has changed quite a bit.
Ever since I met this girl.
And I want to thank her so much for the past few months.
The days aren't as dark as the past anymore.
The head isn't as noisy as before.
Things are looking good.
Life is starting to roll.
And I am excited for this journey.
I'm tearing as I write all of this.
Thank you for being in my life b.
Tuesday, May 21, 2019
Fuck seriously
I just came back from Surabaya and really enjoyed myself.
And once I came home you just have to ask me what I want to do now.
Seriously fucking tilty.
I fucking knew it.
When I took out my gimbal to try and fix it.
I fucking knew that you were going to say something about me.
I hate it.
I hate that there's no fucking support at home.
I feel so left out at home everyday.
Then now you're fking comparing me with kiat and loon seriously.
I'm sorry that it seemed that you wasted your money on me to go to uni.
If I knew what I wanted to do, I wouldn't even have ask you to send me to uni.
Stop putting your expectations of who I am supposed to be on me.
It fucking sucks.
I'm your son.
Why can't I just chase my dream.
Or at least even try.
Do I seem like such a fucking useless son who doesn't know anything about life?
Yes maybe I don't.
But I know for sure I don't want money to dictate my life.
There's definitely more than that.
I'm just fucking tilted right now.
I can't do this.
Seriously.
And once I came home you just have to ask me what I want to do now.
Seriously fucking tilty.
I fucking knew it.
When I took out my gimbal to try and fix it.
I fucking knew that you were going to say something about me.
I hate it.
I hate that there's no fucking support at home.
I feel so left out at home everyday.
Then now you're fking comparing me with kiat and loon seriously.
I'm sorry that it seemed that you wasted your money on me to go to uni.
If I knew what I wanted to do, I wouldn't even have ask you to send me to uni.
Stop putting your expectations of who I am supposed to be on me.
It fucking sucks.
I'm your son.
Why can't I just chase my dream.
Or at least even try.
Do I seem like such a fucking useless son who doesn't know anything about life?
Yes maybe I don't.
But I know for sure I don't want money to dictate my life.
There's definitely more than that.
I'm just fucking tilted right now.
I can't do this.
Seriously.
Friday, May 10, 2019
Money makes the world go round
My heart aches because in a way money kind of does that.
University has finally ended and the reality of life is kicking in.
So much is going through my mind everyday but I shunt it off by playing ML.
Which in a way intoxicates my mind even more.
It scares me so much that I have to start planning for my life.
And before I begin blogging properly, I just want to rant about what happened tonight.
Fuck you NEA seriously.
I've been trying to calculate my expenses and all you have to do is come in and catch me.
Seriously it's fucking annoying that I have no way to defend myself.
Why are these people even paid to make people's life miserable?
Like seriously.
It just made me think that everyone is human.
I mean yes, law makes the society works.
But come on, it's just a fucking cigarette butt.
Why can't the job of NEA be asking the person to throw it into the dustbin?
I know I'm just salty.
I'm trying to dig out any hidden flaws in the way these things are run.
And I get annoyed because there is no way out and I only have myself to blame.
But fuck man.
$300 is not a fucking joke.
Sigh.
It hurts so much because I just felt like I was being so retarded.
And I just felt like the whole fucking shit was damn retarded.
Anyway, back to topic.
These days are really scaring me.
Everything that I've hold on dearly to are starting to fall apart.
Especially climbing.
I have no idea why but it has come to a point where I question the reason why I climb.
It hurts so much because I've always loved climbing.
The pure nature of the sport.
And I know I lost it through this four years of competitiveness.
I have realised that my drive to train hard was really all for the sake of doing well in competitions.
Now that I have lost that competitiveness, what does climbing really mean to me?
What is it about climbing that makes me so crazy last time?
What was it about climbing that made me fall in love with the sports?
I couldn't figure out the answer the past few days.
In addition, the injuries on my body are starting to feel very permanent.
My shoulder, my knee and my pulley.
They are just detering me from trying climbing again.
And they actually make me hate climbing even more.
When I get so tilted from doing routes.
I think I need a good break from climbing.
It has come to this point.
I don't find joy in climbing anymore.
It hurts me in ways that reminds me of how shitty of a person I am.
And how fucking confusing life is right now.
Maybe it's just a phase I don't know.
But I'm getting pretty damn worried about what's to come.
My brothers are telling me to get a full time job.
My parents despise me for doing this.
No one in my family supports me of doing this.
Just like no one ever did support my climbing journey.
Have I been dark?
No I have not really.
But does it mean that these tangible issues aren't enough to screw up my brain?
No.
But of course it's definitely more describable than anything dark.
Yet again, I find my life being described too accurately by climbing.
I'm lost.
I can't pull myself together.
But let myself rot with ML.
What kind of life is that?
Who would even want such a person like this?
It's disgusting to see my weight dropping not because I've been on a diet but because I haven't been climbing hard for the past 1 month +
Something is hurting me real bad.
And I can't seem to describe it really.
I guess maybe it's myself.
I am hurting myself in a very unhealthy way.
It's so tough to pick myself up again.
What's all the things that I've said that I've learnt from uni.
Where have all the motivation and inspiration gone to...
I'm done here.
University has finally ended and the reality of life is kicking in.
So much is going through my mind everyday but I shunt it off by playing ML.
Which in a way intoxicates my mind even more.
It scares me so much that I have to start planning for my life.
And before I begin blogging properly, I just want to rant about what happened tonight.
Fuck you NEA seriously.
I've been trying to calculate my expenses and all you have to do is come in and catch me.
Seriously it's fucking annoying that I have no way to defend myself.
Why are these people even paid to make people's life miserable?
Like seriously.
It just made me think that everyone is human.
I mean yes, law makes the society works.
But come on, it's just a fucking cigarette butt.
Why can't the job of NEA be asking the person to throw it into the dustbin?
I know I'm just salty.
I'm trying to dig out any hidden flaws in the way these things are run.
And I get annoyed because there is no way out and I only have myself to blame.
But fuck man.
$300 is not a fucking joke.
Sigh.
It hurts so much because I just felt like I was being so retarded.
And I just felt like the whole fucking shit was damn retarded.
Anyway, back to topic.
These days are really scaring me.
Everything that I've hold on dearly to are starting to fall apart.
Especially climbing.
I have no idea why but it has come to a point where I question the reason why I climb.
It hurts so much because I've always loved climbing.
The pure nature of the sport.
And I know I lost it through this four years of competitiveness.
I have realised that my drive to train hard was really all for the sake of doing well in competitions.
Now that I have lost that competitiveness, what does climbing really mean to me?
What is it about climbing that makes me so crazy last time?
What was it about climbing that made me fall in love with the sports?
I couldn't figure out the answer the past few days.
In addition, the injuries on my body are starting to feel very permanent.
My shoulder, my knee and my pulley.
They are just detering me from trying climbing again.
And they actually make me hate climbing even more.
When I get so tilted from doing routes.
I think I need a good break from climbing.
It has come to this point.
I don't find joy in climbing anymore.
It hurts me in ways that reminds me of how shitty of a person I am.
And how fucking confusing life is right now.
Maybe it's just a phase I don't know.
But I'm getting pretty damn worried about what's to come.
My brothers are telling me to get a full time job.
My parents despise me for doing this.
No one in my family supports me of doing this.
Just like no one ever did support my climbing journey.
Have I been dark?
No I have not really.
But does it mean that these tangible issues aren't enough to screw up my brain?
No.
But of course it's definitely more describable than anything dark.
Yet again, I find my life being described too accurately by climbing.
I'm lost.
I can't pull myself together.
But let myself rot with ML.
What kind of life is that?
Who would even want such a person like this?
It's disgusting to see my weight dropping not because I've been on a diet but because I haven't been climbing hard for the past 1 month +
Something is hurting me real bad.
And I can't seem to describe it really.
I guess maybe it's myself.
I am hurting myself in a very unhealthy way.
It's so tough to pick myself up again.
What's all the things that I've said that I've learnt from uni.
Where have all the motivation and inspiration gone to...
I'm done here.
Saturday, April 27, 2019
3 days
I think it has come to the point where I need to write my thoughts down.
When I woke up I felt so many things, it was too overwhelming.
I guess I need an outlet to pour out whatever that I'm thinking of right now.
It's 3 days left to the end of uni life.
The past few days have been really a blur.
Spending more time playing ML rather than studying.
I don't know how to feel about this.
But I know I am so excited of what to come.
There's so many things I want to do after uni ends (life starts).
I feel like I've been trapped in this education system for too long.
I've been someone who has been dissing Singapore's education system ever since secondary school.
Like what was the whole point of going through this.
What application does this formula that I've learnt have in the real world?
None.
But having finishing uni soon, or rather finishing the whole package of the education standards in Singapore, I must say that it isn't really the content that mattered to me (at least to me cause I'm not doing anything related to my degree).
But instead, it was the whole community of young and aspiring people.
It was the friends I made, the seniors I looked up to, the people and the interactions that made education.
I learnt life skills.
Leadership, handling of stress, empathising with people, working with a group of people, personal relations, the joy of seeing something work after putting in hard work and especially doing something you don't like to do, basically going out of comfort zone.
3 more days.
2 more paper.
9 am on 29 April and 1pm on 30 April.
I'll be officially free from this.
Honestly, my train of thought is broken already haha.
But before I leave, I just wanted to remind myself about the darkness.
Because when I woke up today, the presence of it surrounds me.
I know for sure that it had never leave me.
But just that I've been keeping it under control.
Or rather life has been really kind to me to be able to keep it under control.
"You better cherish her", said shermz.
I better do.
And I hope that this darkness doesn't lead me to irrational speech.
It's scary how sometimes I say the things I say and then looking back and question myself "Did I really say all that? Did I really mean that?"
Then again, the frequency of me blogging kinda also means that I've been well.
I know that I have not been feeling so stuck in the abyss anymore.
But it's just a tingling feeling everyday I guess.
And it doesn't break the wall that I've built up.
Things are good I guess.
And I hope it'll get better.
Or rather, let's make it better.
Since I feel like I have the authority over my life decisions now.
One step at a time.
3 more days.
I am scared.
But I am so looking forward to it.
When I woke up I felt so many things, it was too overwhelming.
I guess I need an outlet to pour out whatever that I'm thinking of right now.
It's 3 days left to the end of uni life.
The past few days have been really a blur.
Spending more time playing ML rather than studying.
I don't know how to feel about this.
But I know I am so excited of what to come.
There's so many things I want to do after uni ends (life starts).
I feel like I've been trapped in this education system for too long.
I've been someone who has been dissing Singapore's education system ever since secondary school.
Like what was the whole point of going through this.
What application does this formula that I've learnt have in the real world?
None.
But having finishing uni soon, or rather finishing the whole package of the education standards in Singapore, I must say that it isn't really the content that mattered to me (at least to me cause I'm not doing anything related to my degree).
But instead, it was the whole community of young and aspiring people.
It was the friends I made, the seniors I looked up to, the people and the interactions that made education.
I learnt life skills.
Leadership, handling of stress, empathising with people, working with a group of people, personal relations, the joy of seeing something work after putting in hard work and especially doing something you don't like to do, basically going out of comfort zone.
3 more days.
2 more paper.
9 am on 29 April and 1pm on 30 April.
I'll be officially free from this.
Honestly, my train of thought is broken already haha.
But before I leave, I just wanted to remind myself about the darkness.
Because when I woke up today, the presence of it surrounds me.
I know for sure that it had never leave me.
But just that I've been keeping it under control.
Or rather life has been really kind to me to be able to keep it under control.
"You better cherish her", said shermz.
I better do.
And I hope that this darkness doesn't lead me to irrational speech.
It's scary how sometimes I say the things I say and then looking back and question myself "Did I really say all that? Did I really mean that?"
Then again, the frequency of me blogging kinda also means that I've been well.
I know that I have not been feeling so stuck in the abyss anymore.
But it's just a tingling feeling everyday I guess.
And it doesn't break the wall that I've built up.
Things are good I guess.
And I hope it'll get better.
Or rather, let's make it better.
Since I feel like I have the authority over my life decisions now.
One step at a time.
3 more days.
I am scared.
But I am so looking forward to it.
Monday, April 15, 2019
Ahh
Nice white space.
.
The stress from school has been getting to me. And I'm so glad for this platform once again to write down everything. Been really panicky for submissions and datelines. I can't wait for school to end man.
Maybe listing down the amount of things to do helps.
1. Fyp VIVA - I have to meet two of my assessors for VIVA. One of them has confirmed to be tomorrow at 5pm. The other one has yet to reply and the dateline is tomorrow hahahaha. This is kinda stressful because it takes up a high percentage of my FYP.
2. Fyp presentation - 25 mins presentation on Wednesday. My slides are only like 1/3 done. And I haven't written anything for my script. Need to submit slides by tomorrow too. This takes a high percentage too.
3. PC4228 interview - lol this is just one annoying thing that my prof and I can't find a date and time to meet up. Basically talking about a report that I submitted. Kinda like another viva.
4. Short doc submission - Submission is on Friday 12pm. I forsee locking myself in the editing suite the whole of Wed and Thursday to rush this. The entire angle of the documentary has not been confirmed. The content is all over the place now. Colour correction, colour grading, audio, VO have not been done yet. Right and subtitles and captions. And I can't start until I finish my FYP stuffs on Wednesday. That leaves me less than 30 hours on rushing the rest of the edits. Definitely tough.
And I think the toughest part of this last 5 days in school is the combination of all of this together. It always sends me into a hyper panic mode in the morning. When I open my eyes, the only thing I think of is the amount of work I need to do. And then there's ML. Serving as an anti stress. But it kind of counteracts when ML makes me feel even more panicky and makes me criticise on my coping mechanism.
It is the last 5 days in school definitely, but it's really gonna be super tough. Writing these down makes me panic too. But nevertheless, school is about to end. Finally. I felt like I've been wasting alot of my time in uni. But I'm thankful for all the friends that I've made. And also settled my other FYP. :')
I guess things have been going really well and smooth for me in life. And my mental isn't as bad as it used to be? Because the frequency of me posting on my blog has significantly decreased. Not saying that the black dog is entirely gone, but thankful that I've been able to keep it at bay to accomplish task I need to. I'm also really thankful to my bao. She has added colours into my dull dark life.
5 more days. Can't wait. And also very excited for the next phase of life to begin. As much as it scares me too. But I think I rather have the capability to choose when I want to work, when I want to rest and when I want to play. I think it is super important for me because I don't think I can ever do well in life with a fixed schedule. I also feel like time pass faster when there's a fixed schedule. It's about time I slow down my pace of life and train of thought. To live a life I said I wanted to. 10 years ago. And it really is beginning soon.
.
The stress from school has been getting to me. And I'm so glad for this platform once again to write down everything. Been really panicky for submissions and datelines. I can't wait for school to end man.
Maybe listing down the amount of things to do helps.
1. Fyp VIVA - I have to meet two of my assessors for VIVA. One of them has confirmed to be tomorrow at 5pm. The other one has yet to reply and the dateline is tomorrow hahahaha. This is kinda stressful because it takes up a high percentage of my FYP.
2. Fyp presentation - 25 mins presentation on Wednesday. My slides are only like 1/3 done. And I haven't written anything for my script. Need to submit slides by tomorrow too. This takes a high percentage too.
3. PC4228 interview - lol this is just one annoying thing that my prof and I can't find a date and time to meet up. Basically talking about a report that I submitted. Kinda like another viva.
4. Short doc submission - Submission is on Friday 12pm. I forsee locking myself in the editing suite the whole of Wed and Thursday to rush this. The entire angle of the documentary has not been confirmed. The content is all over the place now. Colour correction, colour grading, audio, VO have not been done yet. Right and subtitles and captions. And I can't start until I finish my FYP stuffs on Wednesday. That leaves me less than 30 hours on rushing the rest of the edits. Definitely tough.
And I think the toughest part of this last 5 days in school is the combination of all of this together. It always sends me into a hyper panic mode in the morning. When I open my eyes, the only thing I think of is the amount of work I need to do. And then there's ML. Serving as an anti stress. But it kind of counteracts when ML makes me feel even more panicky and makes me criticise on my coping mechanism.
It is the last 5 days in school definitely, but it's really gonna be super tough. Writing these down makes me panic too. But nevertheless, school is about to end. Finally. I felt like I've been wasting alot of my time in uni. But I'm thankful for all the friends that I've made. And also settled my other FYP. :')
I guess things have been going really well and smooth for me in life. And my mental isn't as bad as it used to be? Because the frequency of me posting on my blog has significantly decreased. Not saying that the black dog is entirely gone, but thankful that I've been able to keep it at bay to accomplish task I need to. I'm also really thankful to my bao. She has added colours into my dull dark life.
5 more days. Can't wait. And also very excited for the next phase of life to begin. As much as it scares me too. But I think I rather have the capability to choose when I want to work, when I want to rest and when I want to play. I think it is super important for me because I don't think I can ever do well in life with a fixed schedule. I also feel like time pass faster when there's a fixed schedule. It's about time I slow down my pace of life and train of thought. To live a life I said I wanted to. 10 years ago. And it really is beginning soon.
Tuesday, March 12, 2019
Tough
It's a really tough period of time for me.
The hardest part of it is putting these feelings into words.
Pockets of insanity through the day.
I can't even control my emotions in front of people.
Not functional.
I'm going to climb everyday from today on.
It's a goal that I've set for myself.
Conversations with people make me feel less understood.
I've been brushing it off too many times.
However, it's not that I can explain myself there and then on the spot.
Morning heads are screams.
I know it's getting worse.
Because the frequency of these thoughts popping are increasing.
It's like this negative ball of energy in me; it absorbs every rational thoughts of mine.
I just can't get out these days.
It feels so TRAPPED.
A cage that my mind has built.
The steels are getting stronger.
And I've lost that key to open it.
I know it's getting worse.
I need to find the key soon.
Before this trapped animal in me unleash its ugly side.
Hissing at whoever that tries to open the cage.
If only words could.
I think it's the darkness in the world I see that makes things so indescribable.
Sorry, I don't mean see.
Feel.
It's an oppressing omen.
Like watching a horror film.
Or rather, being in a horror film.
You're helpless.
And just awaiting that jump scare.
Your heart beats increase.
Beating to the unknowns of the future.
Irrationality is creeping in as I type this in the confined space of the toilet.
The morning sun just defines so much.
It's like I'm constantly in LIGHT.
But the mind is not taking in any bits of ray.
'I will not be shaken'
I hope?
The hardest part of it is putting these feelings into words.
Pockets of insanity through the day.
I can't even control my emotions in front of people.
Not functional.
I'm going to climb everyday from today on.
It's a goal that I've set for myself.
Conversations with people make me feel less understood.
I've been brushing it off too many times.
However, it's not that I can explain myself there and then on the spot.
Morning heads are screams.
I know it's getting worse.
Because the frequency of these thoughts popping are increasing.
It's like this negative ball of energy in me; it absorbs every rational thoughts of mine.
I just can't get out these days.
It feels so TRAPPED.
A cage that my mind has built.
The steels are getting stronger.
And I've lost that key to open it.
I know it's getting worse.
I need to find the key soon.
Before this trapped animal in me unleash its ugly side.
Hissing at whoever that tries to open the cage.
If only words could.
I think it's the darkness in the world I see that makes things so indescribable.
Sorry, I don't mean see.
Feel.
It's an oppressing omen.
Like watching a horror film.
Or rather, being in a horror film.
You're helpless.
And just awaiting that jump scare.
Your heart beats increase.
Beating to the unknowns of the future.
Irrationality is creeping in as I type this in the confined space of the toilet.
The morning sun just defines so much.
It's like I'm constantly in LIGHT.
But the mind is not taking in any bits of ray.
'I will not be shaken'
I hope?
Friday, March 1, 2019
Been wondering
What's the cause of all my anxiousness this whole of recess week.
I think I've mentioned about 'near future' and 'far future'.
Both seems really intimidating to me.
My heart pumps really quickly whenever I think of them.
And the mind goes into an unstoppable frenzy.
The only answer I have is that school is ending in 7 weeks time.
The far future doesn't really affect me as much as the near future as I have all the time in my life after graduating to slowly settle down and decide what I really want to do after graduating.
However, the near future is just full of assignments and tests.
I'm just really scared that the amount of effort I'm putting into this semester doesn't allow me to graduate with honors.
Let's list down what I have.
1. PC4245 - I have been skipping class since week 3. Have no idea what the fuck is going on and I have a test coming this Thursday.
2. PC4228 - Even though I have been going to class 90% of the time, the whole module is just very uncertain. Like I don't know whether I can understand the mod if I study it so my brain just puts that aside completely.
For this two physics mod, it's just the annoying uncertain kind of anxiousness. Like I don't know what to expect of it. And I don't know what to do about this uncertainty. That's why it's always there.
3. TS2241 - I really enjoy this mod a lot. But the amount of time spent on this is really like 70% of the time I spent on school. But it justifies because I think it would be something very relatable when I graduate. Screenplay to be submitted near the same time as FYP. This mod is more of my FYP than my actual FYP lol.
4. NM3230 - This mod is fun too. But the idea of shooting a short doc instead of a short film makes things less motivated for me. I'm glad my group members are nice though. And yup, the submission of the short doc is also around the same period of time as FYP.
I've learnt so much more applicable stuff in this two mods as compared to whatever I did since Year 1 as a physics major. Regrets choosing the wrong path but I'm not complaining because I do enjoy certain topics of physics.
5. FYP - This is affecting me so much. Like the amount of uncertainty compared to the dateline 5 April, nothing is happening. It's been like that since last year. I kinda hate my prof for being too lax on me. But then again, no one should spoonfeed me lol. Fucking unmotivated for something I'm not even interested in. I just want to pass all my physics thing. Like 1,2 and 5. They are the things that I am unconfident in and they worry me so fucking bad every single morning I wake up because it's so bad to a point where I think it is indeed possible to DA BAO them to Y5S1.
6. NSBC - Admist all the worries for all my school stuffs, I want to do well for NSBC too. Because it's the last time I am competing for NUS and I really want to try my very best. But just looking at the amount of work I have to do, I feel like I am in a struggle of wanting to give this up and then the priority question pops out in my mind.
This last 7 weeks is so fearful for me. I forsee myself breaking down and going crazy and stuff. One of the worst 7 weeks for me. I think it'd be as crazy as the BA PD period.
Right.. talking about BA, BA videos for 2019 hasn't started yet too.
Lastly, I'm glad to have grown closer to her. She calms me down and reminds me that human relationship is still the top priority in my life. Thanks b
I think I've mentioned about 'near future' and 'far future'.
Both seems really intimidating to me.
My heart pumps really quickly whenever I think of them.
And the mind goes into an unstoppable frenzy.
The only answer I have is that school is ending in 7 weeks time.
The far future doesn't really affect me as much as the near future as I have all the time in my life after graduating to slowly settle down and decide what I really want to do after graduating.
However, the near future is just full of assignments and tests.
I'm just really scared that the amount of effort I'm putting into this semester doesn't allow me to graduate with honors.
Let's list down what I have.
1. PC4245 - I have been skipping class since week 3. Have no idea what the fuck is going on and I have a test coming this Thursday.
2. PC4228 - Even though I have been going to class 90% of the time, the whole module is just very uncertain. Like I don't know whether I can understand the mod if I study it so my brain just puts that aside completely.
For this two physics mod, it's just the annoying uncertain kind of anxiousness. Like I don't know what to expect of it. And I don't know what to do about this uncertainty. That's why it's always there.
3. TS2241 - I really enjoy this mod a lot. But the amount of time spent on this is really like 70% of the time I spent on school. But it justifies because I think it would be something very relatable when I graduate. Screenplay to be submitted near the same time as FYP. This mod is more of my FYP than my actual FYP lol.
4. NM3230 - This mod is fun too. But the idea of shooting a short doc instead of a short film makes things less motivated for me. I'm glad my group members are nice though. And yup, the submission of the short doc is also around the same period of time as FYP.
I've learnt so much more applicable stuff in this two mods as compared to whatever I did since Year 1 as a physics major. Regrets choosing the wrong path but I'm not complaining because I do enjoy certain topics of physics.
5. FYP - This is affecting me so much. Like the amount of uncertainty compared to the dateline 5 April, nothing is happening. It's been like that since last year. I kinda hate my prof for being too lax on me. But then again, no one should spoonfeed me lol. Fucking unmotivated for something I'm not even interested in. I just want to pass all my physics thing. Like 1,2 and 5. They are the things that I am unconfident in and they worry me so fucking bad every single morning I wake up because it's so bad to a point where I think it is indeed possible to DA BAO them to Y5S1.
6. NSBC - Admist all the worries for all my school stuffs, I want to do well for NSBC too. Because it's the last time I am competing for NUS and I really want to try my very best. But just looking at the amount of work I have to do, I feel like I am in a struggle of wanting to give this up and then the priority question pops out in my mind.
This last 7 weeks is so fearful for me. I forsee myself breaking down and going crazy and stuff. One of the worst 7 weeks for me. I think it'd be as crazy as the BA PD period.
Right.. talking about BA, BA videos for 2019 hasn't started yet too.
Lastly, I'm glad to have grown closer to her. She calms me down and reminds me that human relationship is still the top priority in my life. Thanks b
Thursday, February 28, 2019
Bus conversation
It was a usual day on the bus.
I was watching some replays of ML when I heard, "Excuse me sir" from two seats in front of me.
An Indian man around my age was asking for direction from a local malay to East Coast Park.
However, the local malay did not know how to get there; or was too lazy to help.
As I was sitting just two seats behind the malay guy, I knew the Indian would come up to me and ask me the same question.
I was praying that he wouldn't approach me as I was very lazy to converse.
'Excuse me sir, do you know how to get to East Coast Park?'
I close my ML and went to Google the bus route of 43.
I tried my very best to direct him there but honestly it was difficult to explain thoroughly since navigating to East Coast Park even from the nearest bus stop poses a challenge.
'9 stops after parkway parade', was all that I said and he was really grateful.
As he went back to his seat, I was worried that he and his two friends wouldn't get to East Coast Park since I got lost at that area when I was in secondary school.
I was searching for the exact bus stop on Google maps to give myself an answer as to how to walk from there (and also for a chance to guide him if he asked again)
So there I was sitting at my seat and staring at the three of them, I was contemplating whether to be a kind man and explain to him and his friends in detail.
He looked back at me when the bus was at Yio Chu Kang Chapel and he signalled by lifting his eyebrows 'here?'
That was when I decided to stand up and went to sit right behind him to explain.
I asked out of curiosity, where are they from?
He replied saying that they're from India.
And I just asked which part of India (as if I know) and to my surprise, he mentioned Karnataka.
So I told them I've been to Hampi and we struck off a really short conversation.
Found out that they're studying medicine and they're taking a stop at Singapore for three days before going to China to continue their studies.
They were such nice people.
When I compare his character to the local malay that did not reply him properly, I just had felt like most Singaporeans are really so caught up in their own world.
And that is including me.
Because initially I was reluctant to help, I was being the typical unfriendly Singaporean.
I hoped my actions left him a good impression of the people in Singapore, because the people in Hampi did.
A really short bus ride, but so much things I'm thinking about.
I miss Hampi, or maybe I just don't really like Singapore.
I was watching some replays of ML when I heard, "Excuse me sir" from two seats in front of me.
An Indian man around my age was asking for direction from a local malay to East Coast Park.
However, the local malay did not know how to get there; or was too lazy to help.
As I was sitting just two seats behind the malay guy, I knew the Indian would come up to me and ask me the same question.
I was praying that he wouldn't approach me as I was very lazy to converse.
'Excuse me sir, do you know how to get to East Coast Park?'
I close my ML and went to Google the bus route of 43.
I tried my very best to direct him there but honestly it was difficult to explain thoroughly since navigating to East Coast Park even from the nearest bus stop poses a challenge.
'9 stops after parkway parade', was all that I said and he was really grateful.
As he went back to his seat, I was worried that he and his two friends wouldn't get to East Coast Park since I got lost at that area when I was in secondary school.
I was searching for the exact bus stop on Google maps to give myself an answer as to how to walk from there (and also for a chance to guide him if he asked again)
So there I was sitting at my seat and staring at the three of them, I was contemplating whether to be a kind man and explain to him and his friends in detail.
He looked back at me when the bus was at Yio Chu Kang Chapel and he signalled by lifting his eyebrows 'here?'
That was when I decided to stand up and went to sit right behind him to explain.
I asked out of curiosity, where are they from?
He replied saying that they're from India.
And I just asked which part of India (as if I know) and to my surprise, he mentioned Karnataka.
So I told them I've been to Hampi and we struck off a really short conversation.
Found out that they're studying medicine and they're taking a stop at Singapore for three days before going to China to continue their studies.
They were such nice people.
When I compare his character to the local malay that did not reply him properly, I just had felt like most Singaporeans are really so caught up in their own world.
And that is including me.
Because initially I was reluctant to help, I was being the typical unfriendly Singaporean.
I hoped my actions left him a good impression of the people in Singapore, because the people in Hampi did.
A really short bus ride, but so much things I'm thinking about.
I miss Hampi, or maybe I just don't really like Singapore.
Monday, February 25, 2019
Busted
The alarm clock rings and DARREN wake up from his nightmare. He wipes the tears off his cheeks, switches the alarm off and covers the blanket over his head. After ten minutes, his mother barges into his room and shouts at him to get ready for school. Reluctantly, Darren drags himself out of bed and goes on preparing for school. After breakfast, Darren opens his laptop and types in an online anti-bullying forum, “Someone get me out of this school.” He shuts his laptop and put it in his school bag when his mother shouts at him again. Darren leaves the house in his mother’s car and heads to school. At the entrance of the school, Darren’s mother kisses him goodbye. KESTER and his two friends see the scene from afar and laughs hysterically. Darren pushes his mother away and runs into school.
After school, Darren walks home alone and bumps into Kester and his friends smoking. He tries to turn and walk away from them but freezes on the spot when Kester calls out his name. Kester and his friends walk towards him and surrounds him. He threatens Darren to take a puff from the cigarette or they will not let him off. With no options left, Darren obliges. While taking a puff of cigarette, one of Kester’s friend pulls out his phone and films Darren cough from the smoke. Darren sees the phone and tries to snatch it away, but Kester pushes him onto the ground. They laugh at him and walks away. Darren stands up and walks back home. Upon reaching home, Darren’s mother demands an explanation for pushing her away in the morning. Darren ignores her and stomps into his room, slamming the door shut. He cries while his mother continues shouting at him from outside the door. He opens his laptop, goes online and sees the video of him smoking and immediately closes it. He goes to the anti-bullying forum and sees a private message in reply to his post in the morning, “Me too.” Darren replies the stranger and they start chatting online. Darren finds that the stranger’s struggles of not being able to fit in school is very similar.
The next day, Darren’s mother drives Darren to school again, they are silent in the car as the mother is angry at him. Darren reaches school and sees that students are glaring at him. He finds out that the video of him is circulating in school. He rushes to the toilet immediately to calm himself down. In the toilet, he hears a commotion going on in a cubicle. Curious, he creeps over cubicle door and sees Kester making out with his male friend. Wanting revenge, Darren secretly pulls out his phone and starts filming the whole process and quietly leaves the toilet. During lunch break, Darren sits alone and is writing an apology letter to his mother. Kester and his friends see him and walks towards him. Kester snatches the apology letter away from Darren and reads it out loud in the canteen. Darren stares as Kester starts tearing the letter in front of his eyes.
After school at home, Darren’s mother shouts at him for not apologising to her and for keeping quiet about everything. She has no idea what is going on in school. Darren locks himself in the room again and his mother continues shouting at him from the outside. Darren thinks about Kester tearing the apology letter and decides to post the video of Kester online with the title: “Soccer captain turns out to be gay!” He then goes online to the forum and starts ranting to his online friend about his mother and his school. In a twist of event, the online friend reveals to be Kester when he cries out about the video of him being uploaded online. Darren starts crying when he realises that he has become a bully he hates. After crying, Darren reveals to Kester his true identity; Darren does not tell Kester that he is the one who takes the video. Kester apologises. The next day, Darren sees Kester walk sheepishly into school alone as he is being judged by students. During lunch, Darren sees Kester sitting alone and his two other friends sitting at another table. Darren approaches Kester and asks, “Is anyone sitting here? Wildheart23?” Kester smiles and Darren realises he made his first friend in school.
.
.
.
For memory sake
Tuesday, February 19, 2019
Story
Looking through everyone's insta story.
And thinking how I could write a short film for them.
Their struggles, their conflict, their character.
Everyone has a unique character.
The way they are brought up, the little but specific details of them growing up.
The way the individual interacts with their friends, families and lovers.
And basically the interaction with the world.
What motivates them, what gives them the lack of emotions.
Every character comes with a back story.
Even mine.
I could write about my own story.
My conflict, my growing up.
My family.
My friends.
And how I end up being able to see through everybody's lens.
How I end up being where I am today.
I wish I that this passion of mine, in film / videography carry on burning.
The drama of life is so interesting.
Looking at kids running around, looking at middle aged man lighting up a ciggarette, and looking at people climbing.
Everyone has a different inner reason to why they climb.
Conversations can be typed down in dialogue.
Why people say the things they say.
In film, every single dialogue has a particular reason why they are laid down in this manner.
And so what's the difference from reality.
Thinking of friends that I've lost, there must be a reason to why they chose to leave.
Their past experiences told them to.
Interactions drive them to.
At the end of the day, be it in a film or in reality, we are just some sort of a character.
Just that in reality, we don't have a writer who already know the plot of our story.
And thinking how I could write a short film for them.
Their struggles, their conflict, their character.
Everyone has a unique character.
The way they are brought up, the little but specific details of them growing up.
The way the individual interacts with their friends, families and lovers.
And basically the interaction with the world.
What motivates them, what gives them the lack of emotions.
Every character comes with a back story.
Even mine.
I could write about my own story.
My conflict, my growing up.
My family.
My friends.
And how I end up being able to see through everybody's lens.
How I end up being where I am today.
I wish I that this passion of mine, in film / videography carry on burning.
The drama of life is so interesting.
Looking at kids running around, looking at middle aged man lighting up a ciggarette, and looking at people climbing.
Everyone has a different inner reason to why they climb.
Conversations can be typed down in dialogue.
Why people say the things they say.
In film, every single dialogue has a particular reason why they are laid down in this manner.
And so what's the difference from reality.
Thinking of friends that I've lost, there must be a reason to why they chose to leave.
Their past experiences told them to.
Interactions drive them to.
At the end of the day, be it in a film or in reality, we are just some sort of a character.
Just that in reality, we don't have a writer who already know the plot of our story.
Sunday, February 10, 2019
It's the lack of sleep
I know.
But damn, I'm feeling scared for no reasons.
Sigh, freaking panicky now.
But damn, I'm feeling scared for no reasons.
Sigh, freaking panicky now.
Friday, February 8, 2019
It's something
I'm glad I took this mod as I really enjoy learning how to write a story.
It's been a while since I actually worked hard for a mod because I actually want to learn.
So this is my synopsis draft 1.
It's pretty incoherent cause I had to rush it in 2 days and there are probably bad grammatical errors or weird sentence structures as my English isn't the best since primary school hahaha.
Worth giving a shot.
It's been a while since I actually worked hard for a mod because I actually want to learn.
So this is my synopsis draft 1.
It's pretty incoherent cause I had to rush it in 2 days and there are probably bad grammatical errors or weird sentence structures as my English isn't the best since primary school hahaha.
Worth giving a shot.
"Maun sits
on a bench in a quiet park with a book in his hands. He flips open the book and
starts tearing. In the book shows a calendar with a marked-out date and a
goodbye message for Maun. An old man walks towards Maun and asks why is he
crying. Maun is shocked to hear a voice. Maun pulls out a pen and a paper from
his bag and starts communicating with the old man. The old man stands up and
signals for Maun to follow him. Maun follows behind the old man. They walk past
several streets and sees the world without verbal communication. The two
continue walking silently through the bustling street when the old man stops
and turns into an alley. At the end of the alley is a door. The old man
instructs Maun to wait outside as he enters the door. The old man comes out
with a device in his hand and explains to Maun that the device gives users the
ability to speak. However, the user must speak the truth or else the device will
erase all memories of the person he lies to and in addition, the device will
stick to the user for life. Maun takes the device from the old man and wears it.
He walks out of the alley and heads back home, keeping quiet the whole time.
Maun
reaches home and sees his friend Rena lying on the couch. On the table, there are
some empty cans of beer and an apology note. Maun calls for the ambulance as he
hugs Rena while waiting for the ambulance. At the hospital, the doctor shows
Maun her report. Rena survives the overdosage of anti-depressant. She wakes up the
next morning, looks at Maun and writes on a paper saying how she fails at
everything. Maun sits beside her and holds her hand, not saying anything. Rena discharges
from the hospital the next morning. While driving Rena home, Maun reveals his
ability to speak. Maun mentions about the device and the strange old man he
met. He does not tell her about the consequence of lying while wearing the
device.
Back at
home, Maun helps Rena to her bedroom. Rena assure Maun that she will not commit
suicide again. Maun remembers Rena’s suicide plan but speaks nothing about it.
Maun sings Rena to sleep. He walks to the living room and takes the book out
from his bag. He reads it again and places the book silently back into Rena’s
drawer. He leaves the house and drives to find the old man. Maun walks into the
alley and knocks on the old man’s door. Maun questions about the device’s ability
to erase memory. The old man takes him to a nearby convenience store and does a
simple experiment with Maun. Maun realises the old man is not lying. Maun
drives to the beach where he first met Rena. A flashback shows how Rena met
Maun and comforted him when his Mum took her own life. Maun shouts at the top of
his lungs towards the sea.
Night
falls and Maun drives back home. Rena sits on the couch with dinner ready on
the table. After dinner, the two cuddles in the couch while sipping wine. They
talk about the past till they fall asleep. Maun wakes up with Rena lying on his
chest. He stands up and carries Rena into her bedroom. He kisses her on the
forehead, tucks her to sleep and whispers a lie while she is asleep. The scene
cuts to the next morning when Rena is awakened by the sound of police sirens.
Rena walks towards the knocking door and receives the news that Maun has
committed suicide. She breaks down and the film dips to black. Three days later;
which is the day Rena plans on committing suicide, Rena wears the device that
Maun left behind and gives a eulogy at his funeral. She goes back home after
giving the eulogy. Rena goes to her drawer and realises a voice recorder beside
her book. She cries when she finds out that Maun had been suicidal all this
while too ever since his Mum passed away and it was Rena who has kept him alive
till this day. Maun hoped that Rena understands her worth and importance in
life and makes use of the device to save lives. Rena erases the circle around
‘10 May’."
Boo, actually it's so incoherent and so many loopholes that I can find. I hope to refine it even further. Might post the actual screen play here too! The story might change a lot too after the lecturer comments on it so it's still quite uncertain. But I'm honestly very humbled to be learning from an actual Singaporean screen writer.
There was so much going through my head the entire time while I write the synopsis. I can't imagine writing the screenplay hahaha.
Thursday, February 7, 2019
On this day
I wish I am non-existent.
The noise was so loud in the morning that it fills the bathroom.
Fucking mental torture to be dealing with all these thoughts.
I can't switch them off.
The more I remind myself to calm down, the louder they get.
Nothing happened...
But I'm just scared.
Like I imagined scenarios, and thought of pain of the pasts.
And I felt so trapped in my own body.
Can you imagine the anxiety, the pain and the fear keeps on building up.
The thoughts shooting in so many directions that you can't even keep up with.
All that's left is a watcher.
A tired soul watching how the brain is destructing its body.
At that very point in time, I wish I was non-existent.
It's too much for me to deal with.
I need timely reminders that these are temporary.
But you know when you get trapped at that point in time, all we need is an instant switch.
You know the build up of adrenaline when you watch a horror movie.
Just before the ghost comes out, don't you wish you could switch it off.
But obviously, we're in a movie theatre.
The only thing you could do is hide behind your bag / hands.
But hear the noise of the movie as if hiding didn't take you to another dimension of safety.
It's scary.
Out.
The noise was so loud in the morning that it fills the bathroom.
Fucking mental torture to be dealing with all these thoughts.
I can't switch them off.
The more I remind myself to calm down, the louder they get.
Nothing happened...
But I'm just scared.
Like I imagined scenarios, and thought of pain of the pasts.
And I felt so trapped in my own body.
Can you imagine the anxiety, the pain and the fear keeps on building up.
The thoughts shooting in so many directions that you can't even keep up with.
All that's left is a watcher.
A tired soul watching how the brain is destructing its body.
At that very point in time, I wish I was non-existent.
It's too much for me to deal with.
I need timely reminders that these are temporary.
But you know when you get trapped at that point in time, all we need is an instant switch.
You know the build up of adrenaline when you watch a horror movie.
Just before the ghost comes out, don't you wish you could switch it off.
But obviously, we're in a movie theatre.
The only thing you could do is hide behind your bag / hands.
But hear the noise of the movie as if hiding didn't take you to another dimension of safety.
It's scary.
Out.
Friday, February 1, 2019
Splatting
My mind out on this blank space.
I just feel like writing now.
I'm in a talkative state of mind.
'I want something just like this'
That's the song that's playing now.
I don't know why but it sounds so nice now.
The bass, it feels perfect.
This feels kinda trippy.
But obviously I am not.
Thinking of the team now.
I wonder how are the juniors feeling about being in the team.
Did they regret their decision to be in the team?
Have they learnt something?
Why did the people who quit, quit?
I miss a lot of people.
I miss a lot of those friends that held onto that balloon and float away from my life.
They can be far away but they are always embedded in the webs of the brain.
The memories stain like ink filling cracks of an imperfect surface.
It's hard to wash it off.
There's so much more to this life.
Whenever I am sitting down in lecture and thinking of how everyone else is listening to class and there I am day dreaming, using social media, looking out of the window, looking at my old lecturer and thinking about how he spent the earlier parts of his life.
Lol, I don't know why my brain is wired to think so much.
But honestly, I'm glad I think so much.
So that I'm sure that I am more sensitive to people all around me.
But then again, when I think about it.
If I don't think so much, I won't even have the thought of caring about my friends.
And I won't even feel bad for not caring about that because I don't even 'start' thinking about them.
I've been writing my story for a few days.
I'm kinda stuck.
Right now, Henry is in the hospital, in a dire situation.
But Maun doesn't know yet.
The Doctor is about to pass Maun Henry's diagnosis.
What illness should Henry have?
What is something that Maun has to lie about for it to be a conflict?
What do I have to do to make sure Maun thinks that his voice is so important..
1. Maun has to feel a strong importance for his voice
2. Maun has to lie and he has to lose his voice back to the Enabler.
Sorry if none of this makes sense to you.
I've been writing for awhile and I enjoy writing and being in the character I create these few days.
Because I control the story entirely.
All of a sudden, my mind is brought back to the day at Dek's house.
When I couldn't stop writing about all the things that happened in the entirety of my life.
The love for writing.
The insanity about writing.
About how words can depict everything in life yet also contains certain pockets of indescribable instances.
I remembered the day when I felt so happy that I was crazy.
I was lying down on the floor of the attic.
Writing and laughing at myself.
Laughing at how insane I was.
And how I loved being insane.
Maybe that's how it feels to be losing myself.
It felt like it wasn't me in the mind.
But I could still feel the physical changes when the adrenaline rushes through the body.
I don't know what I am writing anymore.
I am glad to have written all these though.
It shows how crazy the mind is.
Can't believe I wrote all this in just 10 mins.
Okay I almost posted this in the TeamNUS blog again HAHAHA. Like all the time.
Okay bye
I just feel like writing now.
I'm in a talkative state of mind.
'I want something just like this'
That's the song that's playing now.
I don't know why but it sounds so nice now.
The bass, it feels perfect.
This feels kinda trippy.
But obviously I am not.
Thinking of the team now.
I wonder how are the juniors feeling about being in the team.
Did they regret their decision to be in the team?
Have they learnt something?
Why did the people who quit, quit?
I miss a lot of people.
I miss a lot of those friends that held onto that balloon and float away from my life.
They can be far away but they are always embedded in the webs of the brain.
The memories stain like ink filling cracks of an imperfect surface.
It's hard to wash it off.
There's so much more to this life.
Whenever I am sitting down in lecture and thinking of how everyone else is listening to class and there I am day dreaming, using social media, looking out of the window, looking at my old lecturer and thinking about how he spent the earlier parts of his life.
Lol, I don't know why my brain is wired to think so much.
But honestly, I'm glad I think so much.
So that I'm sure that I am more sensitive to people all around me.
But then again, when I think about it.
If I don't think so much, I won't even have the thought of caring about my friends.
And I won't even feel bad for not caring about that because I don't even 'start' thinking about them.
I've been writing my story for a few days.
I'm kinda stuck.
Right now, Henry is in the hospital, in a dire situation.
But Maun doesn't know yet.
The Doctor is about to pass Maun Henry's diagnosis.
What illness should Henry have?
What is something that Maun has to lie about for it to be a conflict?
What do I have to do to make sure Maun thinks that his voice is so important..
1. Maun has to feel a strong importance for his voice
2. Maun has to lie and he has to lose his voice back to the Enabler.
Sorry if none of this makes sense to you.
I've been writing for awhile and I enjoy writing and being in the character I create these few days.
Because I control the story entirely.
All of a sudden, my mind is brought back to the day at Dek's house.
When I couldn't stop writing about all the things that happened in the entirety of my life.
The love for writing.
The insanity about writing.
About how words can depict everything in life yet also contains certain pockets of indescribable instances.
I remembered the day when I felt so happy that I was crazy.
I was lying down on the floor of the attic.
Writing and laughing at myself.
Laughing at how insane I was.
And how I loved being insane.
Maybe that's how it feels to be losing myself.
It felt like it wasn't me in the mind.
But I could still feel the physical changes when the adrenaline rushes through the body.
I don't know what I am writing anymore.
I am glad to have written all these though.
It shows how crazy the mind is.
Can't believe I wrote all this in just 10 mins.
Okay I almost posted this in the TeamNUS blog again HAHAHA. Like all the time.
Okay bye
Monday, January 21, 2019
Fucking bad day
I don't even know where to start.
Today sucked so bad.
The dark clouds kept hovering over my head.
Not giving me a chance to breathe.
I'm tired, I just want to close my eyes and let all these thoughts disappear.
But whenever I close my eyes, the thoughts came roaring, even louder.
I don't like my mind today.
I woke up feeling the pain in my stomach, and the mind was just going everywhere.
It's like the background noise of a TV or a radio.
It's just always there no matter how much I try to switch my mind off.
It's dark, and I don't want to live.
I can't see reality through the pair of eyes.
It's not even a feeling of pain.
It's a sudden urge to just disappear and not be where I am.
I don't know it's fucking scary.
'Weak minded'
I guess you're right.
My mind is weak, I am the most useless human right now.
I feel as if all my failures and wrong decisions are being pinned down on me right now.
I want out.
But here I am sitting on the bustling train.
Peoole are talking about how their day went.
Talkimg about work.
It's pretty distracting but enough to silence the background noise away.
I am so damn tired.
Tired of myself.
I don't know why this sem feels like Y2S2.
Not going for lectures, crying on rooftop.
Feeling so alone even with all my friends around.
And it's been happening more often these days.
I don't know what is happening.
Crumbling of whatever that I've set out to do.
I'm not doing anything right for the past few weeks.
Today sucked so bad.
The dark clouds kept hovering over my head.
Not giving me a chance to breathe.
I'm tired, I just want to close my eyes and let all these thoughts disappear.
But whenever I close my eyes, the thoughts came roaring, even louder.
I don't like my mind today.
I woke up feeling the pain in my stomach, and the mind was just going everywhere.
It's like the background noise of a TV or a radio.
It's just always there no matter how much I try to switch my mind off.
It's dark, and I don't want to live.
I can't see reality through the pair of eyes.
It's not even a feeling of pain.
It's a sudden urge to just disappear and not be where I am.
I don't know it's fucking scary.
'Weak minded'
I guess you're right.
My mind is weak, I am the most useless human right now.
I feel as if all my failures and wrong decisions are being pinned down on me right now.
I want out.
But here I am sitting on the bustling train.
Peoole are talking about how their day went.
Talkimg about work.
It's pretty distracting but enough to silence the background noise away.
I am so damn tired.
Tired of myself.
I don't know why this sem feels like Y2S2.
Not going for lectures, crying on rooftop.
Feeling so alone even with all my friends around.
And it's been happening more often these days.
I don't know what is happening.
Crumbling of whatever that I've set out to do.
I'm not doing anything right for the past few weeks.
Friday, January 18, 2019
Updates
It's a really scary semester.
There's is so much things to do an the inertia to do things is just stacking non-stop.
Things that scare me are my two UEs.
I think the workload for both will be pretty intense.
Writing a short film feels like it's a very intimidating class but I got the module nevertheless and I really want to learn as much as possible.
Photographic and video storytelling is different in the sense that I feel like it's an interesting mod but I'm just worried about the workload.
Wilfred's video which is due mid February.
BA's video which is going to pile up soon I think.
Exco and the team.
FYP (the one that gives me the most jitter now)
Woke up this morning feeling nothing and everything.
It was a heavy morning for me.
Mind's clearing up now though that's why I can type a little.
Am sitting in AMK library right now and just thinking about all the things.
It's so overwhelming but I guess I have to think about all these things sooner or later.
It's a semester or a year that I told myself to learn to focus on the task at hand.
Wouldn't say that it is not working entirely because I am more conscious now when I am wasting my time and procrastinating or when I am distracted by my own thoughts
But still, it is tough for me to catch my own thoughts wandering somewhere else when I am doing work.
Just take FYP for an example.
My first presentation is due next Friday.
But I am thinking about the two UEs.
Thinking about the story that I want to write.
So whenever something interesting come up my mind, I will write in down as draft on my Whatsapp.
These are the few things that I've written down.
The Black Cat Spectacles Colours Time Social media Dimensions Tying of shoelace Being able to do anything you want like in lucid dream In a dimension where no one can hear you
These are all from different moments in my awake time and I wish to fill up more so that I can see what kind of genre my short film is going to go.
It's pretty interesting to catch random thoughts and put them into simple short sentences or just a word.
And yup, look how far I have digressed from talking about my FYP lol.
I think my FYP is really quite a burdensome thing.
I get so easily distracted when I'm doing FYP and I really don't like it.
Sometimes when I'm climbing too.
I get so easily distracted from my thoughts and I often can't climb as well.
I guess it's really a reminder to myself to be able to focus on my task and do it well.
Be in the present and let distractions flow through.
Accept the fact that I can't do things when I am thinking too much and don't blame myself for being like that.
Lol 13 weeks to next phase, technically 3 months and 12 more days to the end of my paper.
The countdown to my next phase in life is so real and it's scary man.
In the midst of all this chaos,
I'm glad to have met you and got closer to you.
Head becomes quieter when I'm around you.
Just afraid of dependency.
I don't want to go back to how I was as a person.
There's is so much things to do an the inertia to do things is just stacking non-stop.
Things that scare me are my two UEs.
I think the workload for both will be pretty intense.
Writing a short film feels like it's a very intimidating class but I got the module nevertheless and I really want to learn as much as possible.
Photographic and video storytelling is different in the sense that I feel like it's an interesting mod but I'm just worried about the workload.
Wilfred's video which is due mid February.
BA's video which is going to pile up soon I think.
Exco and the team.
FYP (the one that gives me the most jitter now)
Woke up this morning feeling nothing and everything.
It was a heavy morning for me.
Mind's clearing up now though that's why I can type a little.
Am sitting in AMK library right now and just thinking about all the things.
It's so overwhelming but I guess I have to think about all these things sooner or later.
It's a semester or a year that I told myself to learn to focus on the task at hand.
Wouldn't say that it is not working entirely because I am more conscious now when I am wasting my time and procrastinating or when I am distracted by my own thoughts
But still, it is tough for me to catch my own thoughts wandering somewhere else when I am doing work.
Just take FYP for an example.
My first presentation is due next Friday.
But I am thinking about the two UEs.
Thinking about the story that I want to write.
So whenever something interesting come up my mind, I will write in down as draft on my Whatsapp.
These are the few things that I've written down.
The Black Cat Spectacles Colours Time Social media Dimensions Tying of shoelace Being able to do anything you want like in lucid dream In a dimension where no one can hear you
These are all from different moments in my awake time and I wish to fill up more so that I can see what kind of genre my short film is going to go.
It's pretty interesting to catch random thoughts and put them into simple short sentences or just a word.
And yup, look how far I have digressed from talking about my FYP lol.
I think my FYP is really quite a burdensome thing.
I get so easily distracted when I'm doing FYP and I really don't like it.
Sometimes when I'm climbing too.
I get so easily distracted from my thoughts and I often can't climb as well.
I guess it's really a reminder to myself to be able to focus on my task and do it well.
Be in the present and let distractions flow through.
Accept the fact that I can't do things when I am thinking too much and don't blame myself for being like that.
Lol 13 weeks to next phase, technically 3 months and 12 more days to the end of my paper.
The countdown to my next phase in life is so real and it's scary man.
In the midst of all this chaos,
I'm glad to have met you and got closer to you.
Head becomes quieter when I'm around you.
Just afraid of dependency.
I don't want to go back to how I was as a person.
Tuesday, January 15, 2019
Explode
Damn. It's a class of 10 and I'm the only guy. And everyone else seems so ATAS and I just feel like I don't fit in but I think I really enjoy the idea of this module. It was so stressful when the lecturer ask me questions and I'm like blank. Lol feels abit like the philo mod tutorials when everyone is just talking and I'm just an awkward pie. Think I felt very uneasy throughout that 3 hours and I don't really like it. But damnnnn the idea of writing my own story is so interesting so I don't know whether I want to drop it. Decisions, decisions. I think I'll just try and take it. Hope I don't get judged too badly. Probably won't make any friends hahaha but really really want to learn something out of this.
Monday, January 14, 2019
Just thinking
It feels like the more we go into adulthood, the less people talk about their emotions.
Monday, January 7, 2019
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
The delusions of time
Time is all but an illusion isn't it.
What does it actually measure?
Power of now?
Isn't that more important than anything else?
To be living where our minds are.
What does it actually measure?
Power of now?
Isn't that more important than anything else?
To be living where our minds are.
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