Quantifying

How do I quantify whether things are getting worse for me?
I look at the hours it takes for me to feel okay from when I wake up.
In the past when there's school, going to school and seeing people will stop the mind from going crazy.
But right now, I spend most of my time at home.
And honestly, I would say that times are getting tougher.
The dark feeling drags on for too long, usually it ends in an hour or two.
But now it drags on to the evening.
It's really scary.

I don't know, maybe I need professional help to keep me sane.
Or maybe I just need a better plan in my future than wasting my time playing ML and not being productive everyday.
There is seriously something wrong with me.
I hate to compare myself with who I was before I graduated.
I was so determined to prove the whole world wrong.
But looking at my finances every time, I am just stuck.

It gets fuzzy all the time.
Easily triggered by my parents when they tell me to change job.
But who sees the effort I am making to make a living.
So much for 'doing something I like'.
I'm starting to get really tired of doing these things.
I feel like I'm in some sort of a mess.
Like I can't get my shit together.
Everytime I tell myself I have to be better, then somehow I just end up back to square one.

I don't know what I need.
More jobs?
Or something that will spark me to persevere?
Climb more (so that I can be sane?)

Quarter life crisis is pretty real.
I'm stuck on my keyboard yet again.
And this feeling sucks because I know I have a lot of things in my head that I need to dig out.

Let's device a plan for my mental health first before my career.