My heart aches because in a way money kind of does that.
University has finally ended and the reality of life is kicking in.
So much is going through my mind everyday but I shunt it off by playing ML.
Which in a way intoxicates my mind even more.
It scares me so much that I have to start planning for my life.
And before I begin blogging properly, I just want to rant about what happened tonight.
Fuck you NEA seriously.
I've been trying to calculate my expenses and all you have to do is come in and catch me.
Seriously it's fucking annoying that I have no way to defend myself.
Why are these people even paid to make people's life miserable?
Like seriously.
It just made me think that everyone is human.
I mean yes, law makes the society works.
But come on, it's just a fucking cigarette butt.
Why can't the job of NEA be asking the person to throw it into the dustbin?
I know I'm just salty.
I'm trying to dig out any hidden flaws in the way these things are run.
And I get annoyed because there is no way out and I only have myself to blame.
But fuck man.
$300 is not a fucking joke.
Sigh.
It hurts so much because I just felt like I was being so retarded.
And I just felt like the whole fucking shit was damn retarded.
Anyway, back to topic.
These days are really scaring me.
Everything that I've hold on dearly to are starting to fall apart.
Especially climbing.
I have no idea why but it has come to a point where I question the reason why I climb.
It hurts so much because I've always loved climbing.
The pure nature of the sport.
And I know I lost it through this four years of competitiveness.
I have realised that my drive to train hard was really all for the sake of doing well in competitions.
Now that I have lost that competitiveness, what does climbing really mean to me?
What is it about climbing that makes me so crazy last time?
What was it about climbing that made me fall in love with the sports?
I couldn't figure out the answer the past few days.
In addition, the injuries on my body are starting to feel very permanent.
My shoulder, my knee and my pulley.
They are just detering me from trying climbing again.
And they actually make me hate climbing even more.
When I get so tilted from doing routes.
I think I need a good break from climbing.
It has come to this point.
I don't find joy in climbing anymore.
It hurts me in ways that reminds me of how shitty of a person I am.
And how fucking confusing life is right now.
Maybe it's just a phase I don't know.
But I'm getting pretty damn worried about what's to come.
My brothers are telling me to get a full time job.
My parents despise me for doing this.
No one in my family supports me of doing this.
Just like no one ever did support my climbing journey.
Have I been dark?
No I have not really.
But does it mean that these tangible issues aren't enough to screw up my brain?
No.
But of course it's definitely more describable than anything dark.
Yet again, I find my life being described too accurately by climbing.
I'm lost.
I can't pull myself together.
But let myself rot with ML.
What kind of life is that?
Who would even want such a person like this?
It's disgusting to see my weight dropping not because I've been on a diet but because I haven't been climbing hard for the past 1 month +
Something is hurting me real bad.
And I can't seem to describe it really.
I guess maybe it's myself.
I am hurting myself in a very unhealthy way.
It's so tough to pick myself up again.
What's all the things that I've said that I've learnt from uni.
Where have all the motivation and inspiration gone to...
I'm done here.
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