Therapist

I feel like nothing is going to work out if my mental state stays like this.

Like friends, families, career etc etc.

I guess that explains why I don't really want to meet new people too cause I can't even get past my own head.

Let alone have another person come into my life.

But dreamt of M yesterday for the first time.

Lol, and went back to check what's the last thing I didn't reply.

So much feels because it was kinda my decision to leave it hanging like that.

And now I'm regretting my decisions.

And that's how life these few days have been.

Just regretting and forget.

And let everything - pain / happiness / emotions in general to just flow in this infinite river,

That brings so much blur and out of the world kind of depersonalisation.

It's as if I only have a few hours of sober each day.

Damn.

28岁未成年

 

Have not bawled like this in a long while.

And I guess that is the power of film.

Finally something that made me feel.

As the movie ended, I stared at that empty bowl in front of me.

And that sudden realisation, as if it's a third person's perspective, hit me so hard.

This was really such an empowering show and I loved the whole plot so much.

Thought I was going to watch a typical romance (just so I can feel again y'know?)

But this surprisingly did not put my past relationship into perspective (which I thought it would) but instead, my whole life flashed past me.

To put things into perspective for those who have not watched this (spoiler alert), it's about the juxtaposition of this 28 year old woman and her 17 year old self.

The struggle of an adult and the naiveness of a teenager.

This show oddly summoned that old me and when that show ended, it felt like I was in JC and looking at where I was sitting as of now - in front of two huge monitor with a empty bowl of maggie in front of me.

If I were to talk to myself like in the show, I would very much like to say sorry to the old me for being in this current state. Not loving myself, lacking motivation in whatever I do and in this fucking pathetic state of life right now.

And if my old me were to see where I'm at right now, I'm sure he'll say that he's fucking proud that I really did not choose the 8 to 5 life. I'm actually where I wanted to be 10 years later.

And putting these two perspectives together really just made me crazy.

How much I'm not taking care of myself right now.

And how much I'm not loving myself right now.

I built this all up by myself.

How can I say such bad things to myself every single time?

RAW:

Look at the feats that you have achieved.

Stop hurting yourself.

Just look at this amazing set up that you have right in front of you.

You paid for all this didn't you?

You built a career out from basically nothing but passion.

And I know that you definitely still have that fire in you.

So what if nobody sees all the hard work that you are doing?

So what if your parents don't understand?

As long as you can answer yourself.

That fire in you will lead you to where you wanna be.

And I'm sure in 10 years time you'll look back and you'll still be so proud of yourself.

Take the break that you truly deserve.

Stop saying that you are lazy.

I don't think you are lazy at all.

You have things in you that people probably won't understand.

And that's fine.

Just don't put yourself down ever again.

Wow

That was really too much feels for the night...

I've never stan someone so hard in my life.

Son Chae Young, you killed me tonight.

Your voice echoed and filled up my room.

And in that moment, nothing was bothering me.

No anxious, no depress.

That was indeed such a beautiful moment.

I'm in tears

Thank you very much :')

For making today so much better.

Probably a one off thing

But man.... That was so much feels.

Going for the wedding was like a trip down memory lane.

It was kinda intense.

Like was honestly super anxious about socialising but I guess it ended up being really nice to see everyone again.

Thankful for Dayna to fetch me there, and also yy for having a quick 5 min catch up.

Great to see Andy again, limzw, ferran.

So many people like arghh...

Some more it was the period (just woke up) when I'm most depressed or rather critical about my thoughts.

Downed some whisky and look who's there...

Damn...

All the memories came rushing back.

So much so much feels...

It's like so many hours passed the wedding but wew,

still thinking about it.

Read back on the old chats.

Didn't know 'ttyl' was 3/4 years later.

What a weird post with so much spacing.

Hardly type like that.

Well I guess it also means today was a pretty intense day lol.

Just needed a space to get this out.

But seriously... wah really.

Twice

I swear it's a cycle.

The more I watch them, the more amazing they are.

And then after getting to know them more and more, their characters etc,

Then re-watching older videos, and associating the new found character into them,

it just makes them even more crazy.

And then you know just cycle through and ahhh my heart.

HAHAHA

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?

Impulse bought Formula of Love album.

Or rather pre-order 1 month before launch date.

In my mind I was like, better be a real ONCE before they are gone for good.

You know, at least have an experience of the millions of people who are crazy over K-pop groups.

Used to judge, but well look where I am now...

Also just thinking about those people who are so into cosplays.

I always judge them in my mind,

but having this crazy fandom thing going on with Twice, I think my perspective is shifting.

So what's changed for me?

Well I'm still me.

I'm still a normal human being, I don't think I'm that weird.

So I guess the perspective shifted in the sense I don't judge things I used to judge.

I don't know what's the whole point of this post LOL.

Bye.

Happy bday CYUE BTW~

Looking back

on the synopsis I wrote for SMHFF 2019.

My heart beats for the script as I read it all over again.

It's almost a time travel back.

And I'm glad I wrote it down as a story, because I think it captures a lot of the small things which I would have probably thrown it out of my brain.

One day, the script will come to fruition.

I don't need it to submit to any film festivals.

It's an expression.

And I think that's the important part of what I'm doing.

And also what's keeping me alive I guess.

Overloading

 And overthinking these days.

It's as if I'm always out of breath.

Like I can't breathe.

And I can't see things properly.

Like an eye fog.

Sometimes these fog seem to form images.

Not sure why I did that but yesterday I went to watch Goo Hara's performances.

And got a heavy flashback of how I used to go crazy for her.

Like how I go crazy about Twice now.

And she's just...

gone...

How fragile can life get?

Just putting it into perspective for myself as well.

These intrusive thoughts are making me shiver.

Recently, standing at the side of the road always pair with a random thought asking,

"What happens if I take a step out?"

Also, took a step back to look at how happy and distracted I was yesterday night.

Looking at myself from a 3rd person view just scares me even more.

This morning sure is heavy.

It freezes me.

I want to hide.

From everything.

Wouldn't it be nice if I could just send a message to everyone who needs to find me.

That I'll be uncontactable.

At the end of the day,

I think all these stem from OVERLOADING.

Need some realignment during my leave.

Somehow I know I will look back and say, no, these thoughts aren't real.

But how do we define which are real and which aren't?

If you trip the fuck out while getting high, why are those thoughts considered fake?

Alright, this is getting out of hand.

Just shut the fuck up seriously.

Chaeng

Just realised 'Handle It' was written by Chaeyoung.

The word 'bias' is a really good description.

Suddenly the song sounds so good.

Haha.

twaisu

Been really obsessed with Twice lately.

Don't know how to explain how deep this has gone hahahaha but it's nice to know that Wei Lun understands.

Anyway, just wanted to update on the fact that this month had been a crazy busy month.

So much shoot but not complaining as usual.

Just want to complain about the amount of edits to do.

Also realising how suppressed my emotions are.

Maybe that's why I feel like a zombie everyday.

Erm.

Ran out of things to say.

Hahaha.

I miss you I guess?

Angry depression

Don't even know what to talk to about this.

But fking angry at every fking thing that's going on.

And I fking hate myself for being angry at everything.

And the cycle repeats.

@sgfilmconfessions @sgclimbingvigilante

These are the two things that hit me early in the morning when I woke up.

Always wondered to myself why I'm not opinionated about things that are close to me.

One is climbing, one is film.

But I realised that it's not that I am not opinionated, I do take a stand at the issues that were raised.

I guess I just don't express my thoughts as openly.

I don't know what I'm feeling now.

I just deleted a chunk of what I wrote about my opinions.

Hahaha o well.

Anyway was just thinking about ICT.

Went in for less than 48 hours but if there's one thing that I could take out of that.

Fucking take care of yourself.

No one's going to do that for you.

And if you don't recognise it, it'll just keep dragging you down.

I mean it's easy to say obviously, but so damn hard to do.

On the first day of in-pro, we walked under the rain.

And I just wore that same uniform throughout.

Obviously, fell sick but I chose to keep quiet and just go through all the activities.

Nose was running like shit and the mask wasn't helping.

But I kept drinking water and took rests when I could.

And the day after, had some good rest and instantly, I was so much 'happier'.

Was catching up with my men and stuffs, more involved in activities.

Gonna book in in 10 hours time.

Shall try to complete my edits before I go in.

Outfield in 2 days~

Honestly like what Josh said, quite excited about it.

On a side note, super appreciative of a quiet phone in camp.

Yes there was queries and stuffs, but I thought it was minimal and I felt free.

The mind felt free.

Hope to recognise more things in the next 5 days.

It's quite a stark difference in my head in camp and outside.

Hopefully I could catch some hints of my triggers and who knows,

GROUNDBREAKING TRANSFORMATION.

Hahaha jk but any small enlightenment would be amazing.

Sin Nee says my luck is going to change after my birthday.

Not one that really believe in these sort of things but I was so amazed at how accurate (and not general) her description of my life was.

Let's see.

Hi, it's me

It's me.

I just woke up.

And I'm here to tell you,

"They probably think you're okay."

As you struggle to get out of bed.

"Now get out of bed. Because the only reason is, you are late."

Creative burnout

 "I'm running out of ideas"

I think that's a cry for help when I look back at when I typed.

Can't get inspiration and am in a mental block for quite a while.

Editing has become work.

Shoot has also slowly starting to become work.

Many questions about my career.

Argued with a client.

How unprofessional is that.

How fucking childish was that?

Holding myself above can be quite tiring.

Sometimes in the morning I'm so dazed,

but I know I feel so much pain for all the unsolved things in my head.

Be it tangible or not.

Need

To

Be

Present

Repititions

Just some updates to myself I guess.

These few days are quite bad.

It's so easy to take whatever I was thinking of / toxic thoughts and apply it to my whole life.

So I just want to spend some time after waking up, to ask myself how am I feeling?

Honestly, it is such a difficult question.

Because I don't exactly know how I am feeling.

Maybe let's start simple.

I'm not feeling great, I'm feeling worse than the norm.

I was shocked yesterday when my producer texted me to ask me how I was feeling.

It's as if she knew what was going through my mind.

She even added 'mental health' in that short text.

So I was grateful.

My life right now is just filled with uncertainty?

Uncertainty for my head.

It comes and goes and sometimes I don't really know how to handle them.

But it's a generally low buzz recently, and I lack motivation to do anything.

I feel like I'm not giving my best for all the work that I'm doing.

And it just makes me feel worse about myself.

But then again, I've been skipping coffee for these few days.

Maybe partly is due to that too.

Let's breathe, and get back to work.

So fucking sick

Of this lifestyle.

Hate doing nothing the whole day.

Fucking hate myself.

Falling deeper and deeper.

Don't find joy in anything I do anymore.

Every fucking job feels like a chore to me.

I hate it.

I hate this.

There's so much hate I am feeling.

Can't express this feeling enough.

Can't wait for the 1 week break I'm giving myself.

I need to stop this toxic lifestyle and realign my life.

Fucking old already still act like a kid.

Seriously.

Fucking kill yourself.

It's great

To talk to people in the same industry again.

Not that I poured my heart out about why I'm depressed to them, but more of feeling less alone in a way.

Three people I talked to.

Dylan the rental guy-

Well nothing exactly but he mentioned he was tired also when I was trying to say I'm tired from today's shoot.

He took it to a next level by saying, "Yeah same, I get that too. Not a good idea to have your workspace at home."

Xuan Kai-

Well nothing exactly too, but was happy that he approached me to help him DP for a passion project.

When I thought the previous experience scared him away.

Lastly Jun Wen-

For being so understanding about my situation. And was so relatable to talk to him tonight. 

Sometimes I wonder what gives him strength to be able to make people feel better despite having a shitty head of himself.

But it was nice, especially the "I could tell, but I didn't know what was troubling you."

Talked to him about going to therapy.

It was just a fleeting thought a few days ago.

Might consider.

Very thankful.

Ugh

Why are you coming back?

You are so fucking hard to deal with.

That familiar mixture of cold and warm in the morning.

When the warm water hits the cold skin and toxic thoughts just start unravelling.

It's all the small stuffs, but when there are millions of them,

It just makes it hard to breathe.

And almost impossible to convince my own head otherwise.

Fall and fall.

When I've accepted that I can't do anything to solve them,

It just becomes a downward spiral.

And makes me just want to sleep and sleep.

And never wake up.

These days are tough.

They really are.

And I don't fucking know what's wrong.

I'm just trying to ride through these waves for now.

And it's going to repeat again tomorrow.

And many more tomorrows.

TWICE

 All thanks to Wei Lun, now I'm addicted to TWICE.

HAHAHAHA.

Amidst the sea of negative posts, just wanted to write something less intense.

Well, I opened this and wanted to write about how dazed I was the past few weeks but I realised that;

Ain't I always like that?

So might as well write something different.

ANW, been watching and listening alot to TWICE.

HAHAHA.

So gay but who cares.

CHAE YOUNG WOOO.

Also, have decided to work harder with my lighting skills.

Hope to learn more more more.

Just want to keep pushing for a better image, something that I will be excited to edit y'know?

I want to keep my career exciting for the years to come.

And to continue pursuing this, and self-improving.

It's getting a bit mundane at times.

Because nothing is changing.

I FORGOT WHAT BROKE MY WRITING THOUGHTS.

BUT HERE'S ANOTHER DAY.

AND

I'M,

FUCKING

DEPRESSED.,

FEELS LIKE THE WHOLE WORLD HATES ME

AND THAT I'M A FUCKING SLOTH.

HATE THIS.

Numb

That's how I am.

And I guess that's what my brain is trying to solve.

By incepting these dreams that make me feel again.

You.

You were crying but he was comforting you.

It's a really weird feeling.

I'm sad that you have another 'he'.

Yet,

I'm happy that you have a 'he' to be there for you.

That at least, you have some sort of support.

And to be honest, I hope it's not just in my dream.

Snap!

I'm back lying in my bed.

Thinking of all the edits I have left.

(Well it isn't a lot anymore)

And all I feel is a complete contrast of my dream world.

I'm back into this shell.

Peeking through the cracks and honestly,

that's too much effort.

So, I sit at the corner of my shell.

And watch the world move by itself.

It's like a TV.

Things happen rapidly, like a movie trailer.

But nothing outside this shell intrigues me.

Not, anymore.

I've been searching high and low for this thing.

That very thing that will make me stand up in the shell,

And to peek through the cracks of the world again.

And, maybe.

Maybe if that inertia is high enough.

I will rip off that crack,

Squeeze myself out,

And be reborn.

And HOPE it's not yet another disguise of the world.

And please,

no more cracks.

If your funeral was tomorrow,

 That's all I wanted to say.

Been awhile

Thought I should write down some stuffs..

Wow. it's already June.

Time seems to pass faster and faster as we age.

Don't you think so?

I've actually read an article about it.

It's about how daily routines and habits squeeze our time to make it seem shorter.

So when we are young, not much habits are established yet and we are always learning new things.

Once we age, every day becomes very similar and the concept of time just fades away.

Is this what's happening to me?!

Anyway, just wanted to update myself over here.

Still super busy, still trying to fight the drown...

Sadly no buts...

But since the CB2.0 kicked in, jobs have been slowing down.

Which is a good thing in my opinion..

Can finally take some time to clear my work.

Have been binge watching several lighting channels on YouTube.

It's so fun learning them~

Like seeing how Gaffer / DPs choose their motivation for lighting a scene.

Or even what camera movement etc.

I'm learning a lot more! And hopefully I'm on track to be a DP by 2024.

KEEP LEARNING.

I remembered talking to Sheryl the other day at NUS.

And she told me she wanted to go study when she's 30.

And she suggested I do so too.

Honestly... it was such an amazing idea.

And I'd definitely have enough money by 30 to go overseas and study.

But I wonder what the circumstances will be when I am 30.

Maybe not entirely studying studying... because maybe by then my experience might have been more than what they can teach.

But more of being alone, and just cutting my life from everyone for awhile.

It's definitely something that I would keep in mind.

Shall go workiess~

Functionality Check

I think I'm so fked in my head that I'm starting to not function as a human.

When I travel to and fro shoots / travel to get stuffs, I look out of the car window and everything is a blur.

This depersonalisation is getting pretty serious.

It's a BLUR everyday.

How do I bring across the idea of BLUR here?

Vision is physically a lil blur (of course when I'm staring into blank space)

And the mind is like a cloud.

Like a black shroud around my head all the time.

And I'm starting to not now how to deal with myself.

Isn't that a scary feeling.

When you can't deal with yourself anymore but you are with yourself 24/7.

I wonder if I'm feeling like this because I woke up late today and just feeling so stressed.

Definitely.

Fucking split personality dog.

Sometimes you're fine, sometimes you're pitiful.

And right now you are pitiful.

I dreamt of a girl I have not seen before in my life.

She was staring at me for a long time.

I read it as she needed a hug.

So I reached out my hands and gave her one.

Not me trying to analyse my dreams again.

But it just made me think about how I feel like I'm always giving.

But never ever receiving.

But that's the lie that I am telling myself too.

Look at the number of buts in the last three lines.

Crazy shit.

Going nuts here.

I'm out.

Okay I'm pretty late

But feel like writing before I go for work.

Yesterday's shoot was good feel again.

I guess every shoot with MDC is very chill.

Sat on a bean bag and film, how comfortable is that.

And everyone just works together well and chill and happy.

Really enjoyed working like that.

Shall work towards having a dream team in the future too.

Recently, I think my head is abit haywired.

I think I've gotten too stress over the amount of work I need to do that I stop caring anymore.

Anyway, after yesterday night's shoot, I wanna buy more lights and some gel.

Very exciting.

Have been binge watching how to light.

Wah it's so nice to watch HAHAHA.

Hope I have more time to learn and up my level too!!

Jia you to myself.

Okay la I need to go for work.

Just felt like writing abit because I was listening to YOASOBI.

HAHAHA.

Ikura's voice is always so soothing.

Brings me to another realm where idk, I feel chill and a little more creative.

Okay one last song before I leaveeee.

"失去了你

 仿佛一切变回了原点"

Pulsate

Uncalled anxiety last night.

Was in such a mess.

I hate myself yesterday night.

I hate my thoughts.

Unnecessary heart beats last night.

I guess all this still stems from you.

Maybe it's natural instinct to fill this void.

And thus the crazy texting was triggered last night.

Supposed to be a no work day.

I guess it's a half day then.

Who in the world told you that people enjoy talking to you?

Stop fucking assuming.

What's so important about

Expression?

Why do humans want to express themselves?

What is the primal instinct behind that?

What do you do?

 If you have work to do but you REALLY don't want to do any?

It's announced today about the new COVID regulations in Singapore.

So how do I feel about that?

I'm honestly a lil happy?

Even if it means I have no pay for awhile.

I need that break.

Well-deserved or not I don't know.

I just drank a little and I am sad.

And I guess that's why I am here writing on my blog.

Thankful for those people who accompanied texting me while I was drinking.

Cyue especially.

Hahahaha.

Well, I am tired.

And I don't want to do any work.

But I have to because I'm supposed to take a DAY break tomorrow.

I need to make that happen.

While I was bathing just now I was thinking, maybe I can do my work tomorrow.

But I DON'T WANT.

And it also means that I have to do my work by tonight.

But after drinking I just don't feel like doing shit.

"Maybe you should try writing..."

Well I do, I guess in this form.

I am thankful that S talked to me while drinking just now.

Like I said to her the other day, talking to a stranger is the best feeling.

Because there's no attachment, no judgement of history.

Blank white space, as what I've always said.

So thank you.

Well I guess I'll start doing some work in a few hours time.

But for now I feel sad and I just want to just keep typing...

But I'm also at a loss of what to type.

Maybe it's because I know that this post is going to be posted (instead of staying in the draft)

Maybe I should just put this in the draft.

Okay nope.

I kinda want people to know how sad I am.

HAHAHAHAHA.

Thankful in the saddest moments.

I shall go and grab another beer from the fridge.

BRB

Just wanted to thank Cyue too for being by my side ALL THE TIME.

Like literally.

Except for the fact when he's in prison lolz.

Hmm... what do I wanna say.

Let's just type something random then.

I subscribed to this new channel called Gaffer and Gear on Youtube.

Watched a video about the "Best Advice I Ever Got" and it was truly eye-opening.

Some things, I've already been practising, but others are really really informative.

Enjoyed it really.

Also, I really loved watching Girl Out of Nowhere from Netflix.

Well I believe I have a lot of things I'd love watching on Netflix just that I don't have time to watch lol.

But Girl Out of Nowhere is so gooood, talks on so many important topics about life in a slightly eerie manner.

I love it!

Oh and also a podcast that xx recommended me.

Well, it's by a pastor and it certainly is quite interesting.

I can see why she's hooked listening to it.

Why the fk is my body itching up from alcohol.

Never happened before.

ANW, next week I'm supposed to have 5 consecutive days of shoot.

3 of them is sort of my 'own' business and 2 of them is from MM2.

MM2 shoot isn't cancelled but I have no idea what to do about the other 3.

What is the regulation?

What can I do?

Can I proceed to shoot?

What is the protocol?

Who do I ask?

Honestly it's quite a bomb out of nowhere but I guess I'll figure it out soon.

AND THAT'S WHY I QUESTION TOMORROW.

Because it's supposed to be a day I completely disregard all my clients and friends and just spend time myself.

It's supposed to be a day I think about all these noise that's happening around my life.

And listen to myself.

That someone that I've locked deep inside my heart.

Who hasn't gotten a chance to speak at all.

I want to speak to him.

And that day is supposed to be tomorrow.

But how do I just cut things off completely.

When it seems so 'necessary?'

Do I just ghost and disappear?

What would that make me.

Fuck.

I am tired and I am sad.

I'm just going to drink and chill for the next few hours.

And I guess, start doing work.

Lol.

Mental Check

Feel like it's always a mental check for me when I write here.

Feeling extremely tired and burn out.

LOL every fucking post I write the same thing.

And I'm not doing anything to solve it.

I feel like I'm stuck in this process...

Oh well, 20 backlog to go.

Hopefully getting Jon Chew to edit will slowly allow me to breathe.

Really praying hard for my mental health.

Every morning has been quite a struggle.

It's so tiring to wake up tired, sleep tired, work tired.

Wow, there's so many tired in the previous sentence.

Hmm, shot at ORTO and 555 Villa Thai yesterday.

Had some post wrap drinks with the production team and the host Sin Nee.

I swear that yesterday's night wrap made me feel like the work I'm doing is something that can sustain me forever.

Not in the monetary sense but instead, the company, and the feeling of sense of belonging.

When all roles are broken down and we became humans.

It was a nice feeling.

Even Sin Nee was human.

I was talking to her about the borders.

(Because in my mind I was thinking about Chin Yue and about how when the borders open, will definitely chiong there)

She's alone in Singapore, with her family in Australia and Malaysia.

Can't imagine how she alone she must be feeling.

And just the general vibes of the whole team.

Very happy to be working with them, let's just hope my work improves over the years.

All these hardworking creatives, just trying to maintain a spot in this world.

Allez to myself too.

And when I read back on previous posts

 sometimes I feel that my mind is exaggerating so much.

But man, when I'm in that thought process it's as if the whole world is falling apart.

(referring to the last post)

Hahaha.

Have been thinking about this lately.

About how the coffee every morning makes my eyesight better.

It's as if the reality is being presented to me once I take the first sip of coffee.

The tinted vision disappears as soon as I take that first sip.

And I was wondering how coffee is like a reality medicine for me every morning.

I enjoy my morning take a lot actually.

Just like what Chin Yue mentioned the other time, he is starting to take too long of "morning me time"

Anw, was editing Wilfred's video yesterday and went through his JC photos to pick some for cutaways.

Can't believe JC has been 10 years ago.

Looking back on all those photos bring back certain memories.

But I think there isn't much 'dull / gloomy / sad' period in JC.

Trying hard to think of the time I cry in JC.

(Not saying that crying is a representation of my emotions BUT)

I really can't remember any moment where I cried.

The only time was when Atlas lost cheerleading.

But that was just a moment.

And yes, the announcement of the reduction from 8 to 5 pax.

Yet again.

Feeling as if we might go through another CB period if the cases doesn't improve.

I just agreed with pang about how I want CB to come again.

Or rather I was thinking about it.

And realised CB was exactly a year ago.

It wasn't the best period of time I guess.

Might wanna take back on that 'agree'

Hahaha.

Well I think I say that now because I just wanna finish all my backlog and feel less stress.

Watch some movie, read some book, learn some new skills.

Hmm... that's what I said last year too.

End up just playing ML and ruining relationships.

Cyue wasn't around either, it was a weird period haha.

BUT NOW CY IS HERE WITH US

WOOO

Not sure if he reads this but owell.

Shall head back to work.

It was a nice morning vomit of my head.

*Clicks on new post*

 And a white rectangle appears in front of me.

So tough to wake up this morning.

Work has became more manageable.

But I'm starting to stress up for Friday's shoot because I have no idea how do I track and provide teleprompter at the same time.

Think the most plausible way would be to use the ipad teleprompter and mount it on my flycam.

But not sure how it's going to play out.

And the shoot is in 4 days and I haven't confirm a lot of things..

This non-stop stress since the start of the year has been really really unhealthy.

I know I've said this a million time but it just irks me that I can't get this stress out of my head.

I constantly remind myself that work is never ending, and I should take a "mind break" but I just couldn't do it.

I said "mind break" because I think I do take breaks from working; going out to spend time with friends, spend time with family but the mind never ever take a break.

Will keep thinking about the things I haven't done when I'm out.

I feel like I'm trapped in a very toxic thought process.

I just keep feeling stress.

And yes, I hate it.

It's making me feel like I am not happy with what I'm doing anymore.

So tired.

So unmotivated.

So fking depressed.

And I guess everyone thinks I am alright.

I wonder

 if people drop their hair like this from constant stress.

Hahaha.

Didn't blog for quite awhile..

Updates for last week.

Managed to chiong a lot of work.

Non-stop working.

Lost $200 at MJ at Kenny Leng house.

And contemplating whether to quit MJ.

JK

Anyway, just wanted to write that the stress isn't going away.

I guess I need to completely finish everything before the stress goes away.

But sadly, I think work can never be finished.

And I think it's about time management now.

Like really plan my time properly, schedule climb, me time (that includes learning / get inspired time), family time and work.

I think if I go on like this (just focusing on work), I'll definitely drop even more hair and go insane.

But I keep procrastinating on making time for myself.

Fk it let's just mark in the calendar a day in May where no one will touch me.

...

15 MAY

No one will touch me on that day.

Right now I'm thinking, what if a easy 1k job comes in on that day.

Lolz.

Okay no time to blog.

Bye.

Okay

 One request from client is able to break my flow of work and send me into panic.

It's 9.57am.

Isn't it a lil too early to panic?

But you know what's the sad thing?

You can't even make time for the panic.

Yesterday's shoot at JM was fun though.

Even though I didn't direct well, but I was considered the director lolz.

Now I know how it feels to direct something not written by you.

It sucks.

Pretty interesting experience.

Feels like a talent manager managing two girls.

HAHA

Okay, why am I thinking about yesterday.

I guess this is exactly what I talked about yesterday.

Mind jumping from one place to another.

Anyway, was also thinking how do freelancers get MC?

I legit went to search.

NOPE.

Only one link which is a freelancer guide.

The rest is government's grant if we ever get major illness or something like that.

Didn't bother checking.

One funny thing was even the freelancer article mentioned,

"If the deadline is tight, you just have to grit your teeth and get through it. (Do remember to take a lot of rests in between)"

HAHAHAHA.

Ded la.

And yesterday I found out I was INFJ-T

I AM FREAKING SHOOKT

I can't accept the fact.

But after thinking about it for a few good hours, I've starting to accept it because I realised back when I was an INFP, my P and J was always very close.

But I guess something shifted then.

I just can't think of what made that change.

Okay too much time blogging, time to go eat breakfast and do work.

Not bad, am actually getting back the habit of writing. (Doesn't feel forced)

Let's keep it uppp

Brain is everywhere

 Is it a problem that sometimes when I talk to people, the topic changes so randomly?

One sec I can be talking about my career, next about gathering plans, next about stocks, next about douyin.

Lol, maybe just happy to be able to talk to people.

Anyway, I was thinking about this idea.

About how I am like a neither here nor there kind of person.

I feel that since young, I can fit in most social groups.

Because I kinda can change the way I interact and talk to people.

Not trying to say it's same impressive because most people can too.

But what I am trying to say is that it daunt on me that actually, maybe because of this characteristic, I am merely just a small part of every group of people in my life.

Be it climbing group of people, NUS people, sec sch, my work friends, army or even family.

And even right now I feel that I am a lupsup creative.

If that two words make sense.

Idk when I think of creative people, they dress creatively, they write creatively, they think creatively and they talk on a level which I always find very amazing.

Even though I'm in a creative industry, I drink beer at kopitiam, I talk like a typical neighbourhood secondary school student and I don't know how to dress up.

YET, I feel like I can communicate well with the two extremes.

Do yall get what I mean?

I always just feel like I'm floating somewhere.

Okay finally wrote this random thought out.

Been thinking about it here and there for the past month.

And then back to the topic of me randomly changing topics. (As seen)

I really don't know if this is a malfunction of the brain or what sia hahahaha.

Time to research and read about this and see if there are people who face similar issues.

Okay bye going for shoot.

7AM

 Have been trying to wake up for 7am for the past weeks.

Some days I make it some days I don't.

But I would say 80% of the time I do.

Just thinking about how long it takes for my brain to properly boot.

Or rather reboot from the fuzz the night before.

Currently it's 8.30am and I feel like I finally feel like I'm okay to start working.

This morning shit takes so damn long.

Don't know why but some days are faster than others.

It's as if the brain didn't properly rested.

Anyway, work has been getting smoother.

(It wasn't just half an hour ago.)

Perspective changes so quickly with the mood.

I swear I was panicking when I was eating breakfast just now..

And thought about all the work that I can't finish.

Now thinking again, I think I'm in quite a good pace.

Just need to keep this up and hopefully all my backlog should be able to finish by 20 April.

I hope nothing weird pops out in between.

On the bright side, shooting for Jianmakers tomorrow again.

Am always happy to shoot with them.

Maybe cause it's less boring of a job.

If I managed to finish all of these before 20 April, really hope to be able to shoot my short at the end of April.

Will need some producer job first beforehand though.

Am excited to finally see that it is slowly coming through.

And hopefully, with more practice, I can shoot more and more.

And even shoot what I wrote back in Year 4 about bullying~

Got so much to learn.

Technical and non-technical skills.

Alright I think I've wrote enough.

Back to work! 

(Hope to write 3 times a week~)

Who's reading?

 Just wondering who are these handful of readers still here.

I don't know but as I was walking home just now, I was thinking about how I should write everyday again.

As a habit.

Read my previous post.

About being self-aware and DP.

I think this writing down my thoughts definitely help with self-awareness.

It's as if when I forget about what happen just yesterday, I can read and remember how I felt and what I was thinking at that point in time.

This blog has been around since I was Sec 3.

That makes it 12 years old.

One of the things that have been constant throughout this 12 years.

If I put myself in my 15 year old self, I would be pretty amazed that I am still blogging.

Kinda like a "lol, this dude still writing."

But yeahhh, just wanted to write it out here that I am satisfied yet stress about my life now.

I backspaced when I wrote "Stress yet satisfied" hahaha.

Have been getting jobs from Mediacorp, AAG and NUS.

I think these are my biggest 'clients' right now.

They have boosted my career by a lot and I am currently learning a lot more about the non-technical side of stuffs.

To name a few, quotations, management, relationship and timeline.

I'm still not the best at all these stuffs but I am learning bit by bit.

As I was bathing just now, I just thought whether I could continue this.

I'm definitely tired and burnt out.

So how do I continue doing this if I am like this.

And just kept thinking whether I can be happy with who I am.

Sad.

Was in such a flow to write but got interrupted by Keith.

It's okay, I shall end it here since I've to start doing work too.

Hope to blog more even if I'm busy or tired or have no feels to.

I think it will really help me to feel.

And also help with being self-aware.

Slow the FUCK down

 Brain, you have been overworking lately.

You need to slow the FUCK down.

You don't have to overwork just because there's too much work.

Slow down.

Take it bit by bit.

Still waiting though.

For the day when I can disappear.

I should force set a day.

A lil too loud

This morning was quite loud.

Might be cause of the dream.

Might be lack of sleep.

While I was showering just now, was trying to understand my current mental state.

I realised I'm mostly blank most of the time.

It's either that or it just explodes at one moment and the things I've tried to block come all at once.

It's like a ticking bomb.

And also, while I was showering, I was thinking to myself.

If I could do anything right now, what's the things I wish to do now?

I wish to talk to you.

I wish to shoot a story.

I wish to have a mental state that is always self-aware, instead of DP-ing it away.

Yesterday, went to khai's place to have lunch and realised I haven't seen all of them for a good 3 months?

And also haven't climbed for 2 full months.

Honestly it is the longest break from climbing (other than me breaking my leg)

And how do I feel about that?

I don't know, I can't really say I miss it.

But yet I still kinda miss it?

It's a weird feeling.

Gonna go hiking with the bros soon.

Haven't exercised for so long, honestly quite scared hahaha.

Hustle culture?

What's wrong with hustling?

Murphy's law

 Two days of murphy's law, this needs to be logged.

Didn't bring HDMI yesterday, grab to buy and grab to go back set.

Didn't return pass today, already reaching studio, then receive call that I forgot to return.

So buona > paya > buona > hougang.

(Spent a total of 1/4 of my earnings on grab lol.)

What da fak.

Asked Ivan help me dabao dinner cause I damn late.

Came home and realised I forgot I told my mum I cooked.

Fuck

Then ask Ivan cancel, then realised my bro hvn't eat.

Then ask him to don't cancel.

Then my bro say nvm cancel.

But Ivan alr ordered.

Then everyone unhappy.

Wooo

Fking shit two days.

AH!

As it crawls through the bloodstream,

It beats faster and faster.

AH!

A scream won't stop it.

It seems so unstoppable.

It continues crawling.

Nothing can stop it.

All these flashbacks, they're rolling out like film.

I feel so expressive now.

And maybe I don't want this to stop.

AH!

The heart is making it uncomfortable.

It is a familiar place.

That I haven't visited in awhile.

It is a strange haven.

But this is where I ought to be.

Let it flow.

Let it flow all out.

Even if it brings shivers.

I can see the story so clearly.

It is so heartbreaking.

AH!

"It's been long since I felt this happy."

I felt those words.

We were in the same world.

Even if it was a split second.

Take care my brother.

Expression

Ah, drawing based on from how I felt it
In that color I chose myself
In the morning surrounded by a sleepy atmosphere
The blue sky I visited
To say that I like the things I like
It is scary and I can’t help it
But, I fеlt that

I had met my true self

Maybe not the best translation, but the song has made me question about film as art instead of career.

Great to have random reminders from the things I see everywhere in my waking life.

It was all meant as a form of expression at the start.

It isn't supposed to be what it is now.

Gotta stay strong.

Gotta stay so fucking strong in this world.

YOASOBI

I'm sorry to you.

For not taking care of you.

For sweeping problems under and

Pretending that everything is fine.

I didn't give you the space to breathe.

I locked you in the room for hours.

I gave you the same old toxic habits every day.

I didn't think of you.

You were screaming to me.

You said you were trapped.

I drowned your screams even more.

It was honestly pleasuring to not hear you again.

But not for long.

I kinda missed you.

Where are you?

Will you do that scream again?

We should reconnect soon.

Untimely updates

Drowning at work right now.

Shouldn't even have the time to be blogging right now but I am so fking stressed..

I just hope I get through this alive.

I swear I am disappearing in terms of my weight.

And I swear my sleep debt is pretty insane.

I am tired and worn out.

I just want to sleep and not care about work for awhile.

But I can't.

I can only keep on pressing.

I know I'm whining like a lil bitch but I don't give a fuck.

This is my space and I deserve all the rants I want.

This is seriously so tiring.

I didn't expect it to be so tough.

It's taking away my joy from what I love to do.

And I fucking hate that it is happening.

Going force a leave for myself once things are cleared.

I need my fucking time.

Z

Busy

 Lately, I've been busy with work.

It's probably one of the first few times I feel that what I'm doing is legit and that I'm able to grow this dream of mine.

How do I put it, I am really busy, but I can't seem to handle it.

It kinda feels like uni days when I have so much things to do and I'm starting to stress up.

And when I do stress up, things get done even slower.

Then it causes the start of the piling up.

I have currently about 9 edits to complete.

After tomorrow's shoot, 12 edits. 

Let's hope to clear all these 12 by 13 Feb, that is 8 days. 

Which means I need to finish 1 or 2 edits a day.

Sounds easy, but every edit there's a draft 2 and draft 3.

I'm not really complaining, but I am just very stressful..

This is definitely nothing compared to the depression when there's literally no jobs at all.

At least I wake up with distractions.

Distractions stacked over distractions.

At least my mind doesn't wander off and think of all the painful things that's happening with me now.

Or is that really a good thing?

Is escaping really what I need now?

I don't know.

I am escaping these questions as well.

Just like a robot.

2020

In a blink of an eye, yet another year has passed.

It's been quite a long time since I wrote but it's new year so I guess it's mandatory.

Well, what a weird year it has been.

I guess the most significant part of 2020 was really the outbreak of COVID-19 and the impact it has on everyone's life.

It's been 1 1/2 years since I graduated and I guess it's been 1 1/2 years of hustling with this industry.

I think not a lot of people know how difficult it is to be a freelancer.

Or rather people in my circle, since most people are working a full time job.

If I were to explain how it is like to be in my shoes, I don't even know whether I can give a right description honestly.

Simply put, I think it has its ups and downs.

On some days, I feel so happy doing the thing I love doing and still being able to survive (keyword here) financially.

On some days, I feel like the world is going to crash when it's quiet as hell. It can be so quiet that I wake up everyday thinking to myself whether this passion is all so worth the fight.

It's a constant struggle.

But nevertheless, I'd like to announce that I think I am doing alright.

Financially, I think for 2019, my average income was 1k / month.

But as of 2020 (excluding Circuit Breaker), my average income is ~ 2.5k / month.

And I wish it will only get better from here.

That's a problem right there.

"Wish".

I guess I am saying that I have no ability to change it. 

Damn.

Let's change that word to, I will work to make things better. (Who am I lying?)

I felt like I have so many things to write about 2020.

It's raining now, the room is dark and the doors are closed.

It's supposed to make me feel like writing.

But why aren't the words flowing out.

It's annoying.

Maybe this isn't the best time since I just woke up and I don't feel anything.

But it is really annoying.

To not be able to do that.

Exactly like my brain right now.

I guess I'm stopping here.

Happy New Year to all you lovely humans!