2022

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Can't believe I woke up at 4.30pm after eating 7 pratas yesterday.

But yup, it's the last day of 2022 and I feel like I have so much to say about this year.

Maybe let's just break it down into different aspects.

Trading - 

I have lost closed to 25k to trading (actually might be more I stopped calculating) This was the single most depressing thing that has caused me many depressed mornings and lack of motivation to work for the last quarter of 2022. Not sure if I will keep on trying because it's seriously very very tiring to put in so much time and yet seeing money flowing away from me like that. I mean money is a physical aspect and money has never been a 'thing' that affect me a lot. But losing this kind of amount in such a short period of time, it's as if I didn't worked at all this year. Not many people know but yeah, it really was quite tough trying to pick myself up day after day of losing. But... not giving up. I've set a hard break for myself for the next year. If I ever bust this account again, I will take a 3 months break and restart again. 

What do I wish to achieve out of this? Well, I don't really know but I just hope it can complement my freelance life and earn a little more for the future that I envision. Got really close to Kiat, my 2nd bro these last few months too because of this. I remembered the day I fked up he wrote me a super super long message and I teared up immediately. Because I've never seen him talking to me like that for the past 28 years so I was really grateful. We're on a mission to get there some day, and I hope our hardwork will pay off in the future. 

Career - 

DP DP DP. Wah I can't believe it. I've DP a couple of times this year. I am starting to see a lot of growth in career wise and I am happy to my progress this year. Honestly it is the 'just whack' kind of thing but it somehow always turn out pretty okay. My proudest project this year will be JDWL and I'm super grateful for Dharf for the opportunity. Sheryl commented on my IG post about how it's a dream come true and yes!!! I had always dreamed about shooting a MV and I still can't believe it happened!! I am immensely humbled by the experience and all the support I've received through the project. Honestly it was quite a short time from pre to post (~ 1 month) but I still feel so much thinking that I've finally shot a MV! Wwewew. Super excited for more to come. Looking at my not-so-private private account on IG, I realised most of the things I screenshot are MVs and drama films. When I looked through all of them I realised those are the things I really wish to shoot in the future. 

Other than the MV, I'm glad to be a part of JSL team. Was such a heartwarming day at Ben Yeo's place on the 29th with all the crews, bosses and celebrities. It's such a healthy working environment and I'm so thankful to Charlene for getting me in since the first episode of 刷一刷. It's been almost 2 years and my heart is full knowing so many people from the industry through this programme. I'm also immensely grateful (and stress) to DP for my very first drama. It's honestly the first time I shot a narrative. As much as it isn't the genre I wish to shoot, I realised the flow of things on set should be similar to all other narrative. And man, I really can't imagine I was given such a role with no experience. We are almost 1 / 3 done with the series and I wish to give in my all for the rest of the series. This is really a huge stepping stone for me since my wish is to shoot a feature by 35 years old (6 more years!) Hope 2023 will be filled with more of such opportunities, am already very happy with this one opportunity. 

Other than the JSL team, glad to have met people from all walks of life too. Insurance agents, property agents, event managers, brand ambassadors, influencers and many more. 

Some days when I go to work in the morning via public transport, wearing my bucket hat and carrying my equipment, I look at people going to work in suit and office wear and looking so lifeless, I feel so proud of myself going to set. Like I'm almost always excited to go on set, even after 3 years. And for that, I feel that the work I do is quite cool. HAHAHAHA

To a more fun-filled 2023 and more GROWTH!

Friends and family - 

Don't even know how to start with this. Hahaha. There are just so many people coming and going for this year and I don't know what to say... But just happy to have my constants. Maybe first is 'Settle bill' group with Asim, Dtank, Tham, Ahchir and Glenna that constantly reminds me that I have climbing as a hobby HAHAHA. Looked through the 31 close friends on my IG and I must say I haven't been catching up with all of them. 

Wah it's damn weird that I don't know what to write for this segment. I just stopped typing as fast as I did just now. Maybe it's a sign that I've been too distracted with the two things above that I hardly think about this anymore. Not sure if it's a good thing or bad thing but I just wanna say a huge THANK YOU to all those that have been with me and who have stuck by me through the good and bad this year. A huge shout-out to Allson who I've become very close to this year. It's funny how life twisted and turned and things became like that lol.

And CK's group of friends who became comfort friends that I can chill and just talk cock with (who I am meeting for the 2023 new year party in 2 hours time haha)

Wah it's really damn difficult to write this portion. Not sure if it's because I've stopped thinking and reading so much into friends or because I've been hurt that my mind shut damn out hahaha.

Family also nothing much to write about fdasfsd

(I honestly think there's a huge underlying issue with this, but I guess not for today)

Hobbies -

KPOP CLIMBING SKATING

These are the 3 things that have flooded my entire social media. Whenever I open my IG explore page, I see Chae Young, Chae Won, Hae Won, Sullyoon, SKATE CLIPS. Okay maybe climbing not as much now. Hahaha But I've been spending less time climbing ever since I kinda 'fell out' with M. Okay but this is not the paragraph to write about that hahaha. Kpop has been idk, it's like people watch netflix drama and I just watch kpop content everyday. Maybe that's the only thing I can think of to compare what Kpop means to me. People idolise about their drama celebrities, I idolise about these kpop stars. HAhahaha. I guess the most important thing that happened is TWICE has recontracted, NMIXX debuted and Jinni left. Been into IVE, Le Serrafim and New Jeans lately. And maybe just as of yesterday, (G)I-DLE because I saw Soyeon's recording on Tiktok wtf fking shuai. I think Soyeon is the only Kpop idol that I classify under 'hot' / 'shuai'. I guess because I've never been attracted to 'hot' kpop girls HAHAHA so it's quite new. More KPOP MVs to watch and get inspired next year!!! ITZY CONCERT IN 4 WEEKS TIME omg my heart. 

Skating has been..... a burst of energy that I thought I would be super addicted to. But damn when you are not good at something it's not fun HAHAHA. That's how I would describe what skating is. But hopefully can ollie soon la then really game change haha. 

Okay I don't know what to write anymore. Got really distracted with GIDLE's MV hahaha. 

Happy New Year to all of you. 

I love you guys <3

破碎的完整

《她和她的她》

9 episodes, what a journey of self-exploration the series had brought me to.

It spoke deep into what I've been through, and I guess what you have been through (or still going through) too.

All those pain back then resurfaced.

And in the mixture of reality and pockets of painful pasts, I see things in both perspectives.

One from 2017, and one from 2022.

I broke down in episode 8 when Hao Ming found out about Chen Tsi's blog.

That immediately brought me back to the moment of me finding out about your blog.

The whole series speaks about caregiving, suicide, dissociation, depression, grief, trauma.

I did not expect it to be such a 'mental health' orientated series.

Was honestly taken aback but I thoroughly enjoyed how this film had explained so much about the things I used to think was unexplainable in words.

As much as I have stepped out of the haunting abyss that I thought I would never get out of, the remnants of those feelings linger.

Especially moments when I wake up nowadays.

But it is definitely better than what I was going through years ago.

I know that you know that I'm speaking about you.

And I guess maybe you will see this post some day.

Being really emotional now after binge-watching the show and it made me want to say certain things to you.

I guess I don't really know how to put it into words properly since so many years have passed since all that had happened.

I guess things are a lot better now that I am not romantically attracted to you any more.

But as I was smoking just now, I still think about how you were the only one on this Earth that could connect to me on that level.

And I still always think back about that sentence.

"People come and leave, but I can't just leave myself"

Or something along this line.

It's really a very strong statement.

And that feeling of burdensome was very well conveyed in the show.

And I could feel the pain in the male character at episode 9.

Because he really wants to help, but he is just as helpless as her.

I just want to say sorry to you too (again) for creating so much pain for both of us during that period of time.

It was really a scary period for me.

And I always felt very unfair for you because it wasn't just a "period" for you.

I know you told me that things have gotten better for you.

And I really hope it is so.

I know that I don't reach out as often to you as I did back then but I hope you know that you will always have a place in my heart.

And I'm just a technology away as usual.

We might not connect as deeply as we did in the past, but still glad that we once shared those experiences of pain 'together'.

I don't think anyone will ever understand how painful it was for the both of us.

It's been a long time since I dug up these feelings.

But it feels a little liberating to do so.

And as usual, I got reminded of why I chose this career path in the first place.

It's a medium that speaks what words can't.

The power of expression through film.

I will continue working hard and honing my skills.

And one day hopefully, to shoot something that can express to the world how I see things.

Good night.

A night to think about 2022

Or maybe even the past year.

Just watched "I fell in love like a Flower Bouquet".

How do I feel?

I just have this analogy of this whole film in short.

Two spheres that have no colours bumped into each other.

They become colourful after that and stuck with each other.

As time went on, they became less colourful, and eventually back to being colourless.

And when they split, their colours regain, maybe more colourful than it used to be.

Quite a typical romance film but I think what was beautiful / applicable to me was the creative side of both the male and female characters.

The normalcy of the society drowned his creative sense.

Struggling with societal norms, that "Life is responsibility."

Which dug really deep into me.

He lost that creative side of him for money.

In that process of seeking that responsibility, he lost the character he used to be.

And that broke the relationship.

And I guess this part hit me pretty hard too.

Back then, I was struggling hard with a career that was so ambiguous.

I remembered many times when our relationships were strained, I was so tired.

I remembered we were quarrelling about money.

Exactly how it was depicted in the film.

I remembered dissing you that you were bad with money management, just spending everything that you've earned.

But I guess all I was shouting out was my fear of not being able to provide for us.

Looking back, I wouldn't say we broke up as peacefully as I would have wanted.

We didn't meet again to talk things out.

But I'm grateful.

That I once had someone loving me and believing in what I am doing.

And more importantly, sharing the same passion of storytelling.

That aside, the society is indeed pretty scary.

In the sense it just creeps on to you like a parasite without you noticing how drained you are from chasing materialistic things.

And when the parasite temporarily leaves, you could suddenly breathe and you see that you have actually lost all that time.

It's as if you were awaken from your dream.

There's this gap in time where it's just all blur.

And that lost time...

We can never get it back.

And I guess what I need was a timely alarm, to remind myself that life isn't all that colourless.

Maybe it could buzz me every week, every month or every year.

As long as it buzzes.

Or maybe...

Wait for the other sphere to bump.

#rawwritingnoedits #mightnotmakesensewhenireadagainbutthisthebest

Everything

Happened for some reason.

Just caught up with Wilfred to talk a little about finances.

Turned out to be a super nostalgic talk and really glad he finally came out of work to have a short catch up.

Super appreciative.

My closest cousins' Dad just passed away few days ago.

Today was cremation day and I was there with them.

Felt that life was so fragile, yet at the funeral, seeing my cousin's baby son, it makes me think that it's just a cycle.

Felt so so much pain for their family.

I think especially the cousin that I grew up playing with.

He's the only son in the family and I could feel his pain when he was putting up a strong front throughout the entire funeral and just breaking down completely during the cremation process.

He's just one year younger than me.

And the whole thing just happened so suddenly.

No one expected it.

Seeing so many people sending my Uncle off, I knew he was a good man.

I could clearly remember when I was in primary school he treated me like his son's closest cousin.

Same age gaps between me and my brothers and the same for my cousin and his sisters.

And I guess that's why I felt so much for him..

It was really quite a heavy day.

Rest in peace gor peh, your humour and cheerful character will be forever etched in my memory.

Thank you for everything you have done for your family.

Finally a quiet and slow night

Where I can hear myself speaking again.

I miss this slow thought.

I think after losing close to 20k recently, my mind has been in a chaos.

Just kept on going about trading days after days.

Ever since I stopped talking to M too.

It's been quite a lonely journey the past 2 months or so.

I've lost so much drive.

Be it with work, friends, family etc.

Just been binging reels and shorts to fill that empty void in my mind.

To only finding out now that it was impossible to fill in that manner.

I envy so many people.

Starting a family, having a partner, doing well at work, having fun at work, balanced lifestyle, doing what they like, starting business, travelling, or even just enjoying the company of their friends.

And yes I do indulge in social media too much recently. 

It was a good distraction while it lasted, before everything came crashing down on me.

I'm gonna take some time to pick myself up again.

And I'm not going to dictate how long it is going to take.

At my own pace.

I'm not giving up on trading just yet though, we will see how my progress on the small account works.

Trading kind of dug into the depth of my behaviour and allowed me to see the shit emotion I have.

I guess I'll find out eventually if I can do this for income purposes.

Might give up halfway but as of now I hope to do it for the years to come.

Haven't met many of you.

To those who are even reading this.

Thanks for reading and finding out about my life.

Just the few of you here hahaha I can see the number of views for my post hehe.

Alright, my mind has stopped flowing so I shall stop writing.

It's a nice cozy night.

And the trading grinds continue tomorrow :)

Pivot point

Let's hope this is the pivot point of my life.

3 November 2022.

Fucking anniversary 

Addiction

I swear to funking God I am this close to insanity.

Someone save me please.

I feel so alone in this.

Fuck trading

I think this 3 weeks deserve a post...

Was up 7k usd from trading.

Now down 5k usd from trading.

The lure was so fucking real.

And so much emotions over the past 3 weeks I am going crazy.

It's time to stop.

I really can't throw my hard earned money like that...

Sigh.

Fucking going nuts.

COOL

*cues NMIXX ENTWURF COOL while writing this*

On the grab to work now. 

Have been procrastinating this post for so so long. 

So much on my mind right now (now as in these few weeks) that I find it really hard to get by day to day life.

One aspect of these issues is getting better I guess.

It was a quiet month for work for like 3 weeks?

The old fear of me lasting in this industry came back haunting me.

That's one.

Sleeping at 6am and waking at 3pm had been my body clock for the past weeks as well.

I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling right now but I'm definitely not feeling well mentally.

Of course not as intense as what used to be, but these 3 weeks were so scary.

Random talk to Megan at Vic's event was nice though I wished I was a little more sober.

We went straight into deep concepts about life which I really enjoyed.

Though I spaced out quite quickly during the conversation, I could feel the sincerity of having a nice conversation.

ICT is coming really soon.

As I was bathing just now, I think the biggest fear I think I'm gonna have is to act as if I'm alright.

Like I need to survive not letting my head take over my responsibilities of being an OC.

In short, the situation can be described as having added responsibilities with an already overly saturated head.

I know these will pass soon.

But living in it right now is so scary.

Having my head tell me how much of a loser I am every time I wake up.

How I suck at everything I do.

Climbing, work, maintaining relationships.

And short-lived motivation always causes a greater downfall.

I need rest.

But I don't know how to.

這幾天

都是一直坐在電腦前打游戲。

就像她當年所説的，

“你是不是在用電動來逃避現實？”

應該把。

《孤獨》

這歌詞把我的心聲完完全全說了出來。

Eh 又是另一個夜 雨飄的夜
在一條喧鬧後的街 我望著月亮
忘了是雨還是淚水突然滑過臉上
心喃喃自語 我卻又聽不見
白天 我總笑容滿面
為什麼每夜 我總輾轉難眠
自律和壓抑 到底如何分辨
說要做自己 卻不敢對自己正眼

原來孤獨
是燈光下 所有人都對我佩服
但月光下 卻一直害怕自己退步
你別停下 有個聲音催促
但這無盡的賽跑為何追逐
If ain't nobody stayed with me
那這是演給誰的戲
我看著一路多少人都撲空
到最後 怕自己也沒什麼不同
也背向了背向了初衷

皎潔的月光 請潔淨我
洗淨年月潑的墨
熄滅我吞下的煙火 oh

Eh 我從小到大 凡事都要做到第一位
再艱難咬著牙 再累我不流一滴淚
我有著強迫症的意志力 天賦不能浪費
我讓我家裡幾個櫃子里都放滿了獎杯
這世界告訴你 成功要靠自己
什麼叫做成功我卻不知道定義
我已經變得熱可炙手
但優秀還是沒有為我帶來自由 Oh

原來孤獨
是感覺自己是那藍天下的枯樹
站在高處
傷口得自己捂住 無處哭訴
雖然我堅強但是我也偶爾無助
每當我祈禱上帝說努力了就好
但面對世界我只感覺自己瘦小
They say when you're lonely, hang out with homies
他們不懂 說得容易
但我的home里只有me

皎潔的月光 請潔淨我
洗淨年月潑的墨
熄滅我吞下的煙火

對自己說了多少遍
I'm a superwoman
我逼著心裡面 那渴望愛的小女生
要學會成熟點 有話就說給日記本
終於發現世界再冷 沒有我對自己狠

我爸教我恆心能讓 鐵柱變成針
但一不小心能讓 泥足陷很深
我是不是應該換個第三人稱
問問自己 其實想過什麼樣的人生

原來孤獨
是想哭卻又不想矚目
是努力融入
但你還 常常感覺自己格格不入
是不想辜負了期待
你卻又感覺束縛
唯一的安撫
是知道世界之大
這一刻和你一樣
感到孤獨的無數

結局

 又到了一個結局。

沒想到這幾個禮拜好好的， 原來是埋在心裏深深的。

泡沫爆了。

凡事都得這樣結束吧。

好累啊。

沒想到想要當一個正常的人不簡單。

我還以為。。。

心情不好

 I feel like I'm in the darkest pit of humanity rn.

And it feels so okay to just disappear from this Earth.

Very tired.

Drank a bit.

Talked a bit.

Maybe shouldn't have talk.

All the fucking useless things in my mind just explode out like that.

Cri.

Just cry... 

Downfalls high

August.

Probably feeling like shit because sometimes I'm not adulting as well as those around me.

But I told myself never to let life be a race with the people around me, the community and the society.

I'll remind myself to do things my own pace.

Past few days have been too real it became intense.

I guess it's almost 2 1/2 years I've spoke my heart out to someone.

Nevertheless, still felt good that I've finally said it.

Okay, not that I actually wanted to say it so early on.

But the question was just too tough to answer.

And I guess the biggest reason was I could never lie to someone I care about.

Whether or not I've said everything I wanted to say,

or whether I was in the right state of mind when I say it,

I just hope that things doesn't turn too uncomfortable.

And I guess I'm gonna be the one who think more about this ha ha.

Just hope things will turn out well regardless the road ahead.

Heads been in a weird space I think.

I think I've been running on auto pilot lately.

Need to do what I did when I had covid.

Really just stop and think about everything that's happening around me.

And just slow the fuck down.

SKRRRT

Hi, it's been 40 days since I picked up skating and I just wanna log the feeling right now.

IT IS SO FUN.

And I'm sad that I only started when I'm bout to turn 28.

But it's okay!! At least I found a new sport.

Obsessed might be the right word for this.

My IG reels, FB reels, tiktok, douyin all are starting to be filled with skating videos.

It's kind of like how I started climbing back then.

And I think this is going to stick with me for a long time.

Can't believe that I never pick up any new sport after climbing for so many years.

But seeing how I've climbed 12 years in just a blink of an eye, I think I will continue skating until maybe a family happen or something HAHAHAHA.

But it's nice!!

I really enjoy learning new tricks or just cruising around with earpiece on.

And just enjoy the night breeze with music and the mind is just clear.

Haven't really stopped properly to think about my life progress.

In terms of like career and mental health.

Skating has kind of take over that and I think it's both good and bad depends how you view it.

But hopefully, I can integrate skating better with my mind.

I remember 2 sessions ago I was at hougang skatepark by myself at night after Bali.

And I was trying to land a trick (rolling shuvit) I've never learnt before.

I was so frustrated and kind of unhappy.

I stopped and kind of reflect on my own emotions.

Like why am I feeling like this.

It's supposed to be something that makes me happy, why am I not?

And it struck me that it's so similar to climbing.

When you can't land a trick, it's kinda same as not being able to send a route that very session.

And this reminds me that I haven't thought of climbing in such details recently too.

Just chill climb and chit chat and y'know kinda just flow.

And like how I always compare climbing to my life situation currently, it's exactly it.

Chill.

And flow.

I'm not putting additional effort nor am I not trying hard.

Just not extra hard.

Exactly like my career and things that are happening around me rn.

I get stressful that I might not be progressing in my career / I'm not doing anything to improve.

But I think the word FLOW is so significant  to me rn.

Just let nature set its own path.

I also would like to think that it's because I don't have much liability as a single 28 yo man haha ha.

Maybe things might change in the near future.

We'll see~

Also, been talking a lil more to M recently.

Hmm

Hng

Anw, Bali was a great trip.

That trip trip wasn't that great but still a great trip afterall haha.

Highlight for me was really seeing the sunrise at Mt Batur.

Really really beautiful.

And it was an awesome moment :')

And I told Allson that I wanna go back there one day with the LOML.

LOL.

Okay bye

I'm sorry but

this performance has got to make it into my blog.

It is too good la wtheck.

For archiving purpose~

The song too, it's too much feels :')

Hello, my name is Stevie

Actually, I'm lying, it's really Bebe

It's the meds, they make me really sleepy

Klonopin, my friend, yeah, she numbs the feeling

My doctor upped my dosage

My mom felt bad, so she sent me roses

Without it, I feel really hopeless

And 5.7 of Americans know it

Wo-oo-oh, I'm living and I'm dreaming

Trying to stay even, oh

No, I don't need your help

To make me sick, to make me ill

I don't need anybody else

'Cause I can break my heart myself

I don't need your help

Getting off of this carousel

I don't need anybody else

'Cause I can break my heart myself

Today went really well

I didn't wake up in a panic spell

It was fine, even though I fell

Deeper and deeper into a manic hell (Hahahahaha)

Wo-oo-oh, I'm living and I'm dreaming

Trying to stay even, oh (No)

Wo-oo-oh, I'm draining for no reason

Apologize, no feelings, oh

No, I don't need your help

To make me sick, to make me ill

I don't need anybody else

'Cause I can break my heart myself

I don't need your help

Getting off of this carousel

I don't need anybody else

'Cause I can break my heart myself

Woo-hoo, woo-hoo, woo-hoo

'Cause I can break my heart myself

There's a jumper on

Hollywood and the 101

And I'm scared, I could be that one

But I'm not (No)

Woo-hoo, woo-hoo, woo-hoo

'Cause I can break my heart myself

No, I don't need your help

To make me sick, to make me ill

I don't need anybody else

'Cause I can break my heart myself

I don't need your help

Getting off of this carousel

I don't need anybody else

'Cause I can break my heart myself

Slow downnn

It's good that I can remind myself to slow down these days.

Like the concept of slowing down will "pop" into my mind randomly.

Which is nice.

Anyway, randomly bump into Mel today at BFF.

So nice to see her after dk how many years.

And just recalled that at one point of time we were really close.

Like she'd accompany me and just be there when I'm upset.

To the point I remember like we were both silent, and I was just smoking.

No conversation but it was nice to have someone be there.

I think kinda same with Phebz too.

Thinking back on BA18, I think I kinda failed as a leader of the committee.

All I wanted was a good comp, and I placed too much of my own expectations onto my members.

And at the end of it, I felt like I've caused a lot of unnecessary stress to all my members.

Only looking back 4 years on then I realised how uneasy they must felt.

And I guess also kind of because of BA my friendship with these people soured too.

But not gonna lie, seeing them again right now like in 2022, I think we've all moved on from that.

Whatever experience good or bad, I think I still remember all the good feelings that we all shared.

It's still an amazing experience for me.

But sadly, maybe not so much for them because of me :/

So yeah, really glad to see Mel again!

Felt like all the emotions we've shared back then came rushing back.

We've both seen each other cry before, and I think because of that, it's a very very special friendship to me.

Oh, randomly insert, I've been learning how to skate!

It's getting more and more fun.

There were times (out of the 4/5 sessions)  where I thought I would get bored of it.

So yesterday night I learnt how to tic while moving.

Not sure if it's the right term.

I feel like the unlocking of tictac while moving is going to be a really important foundation for cruising / tricks in the future.

So I really want to master tictac for now.

It's nice to learn a new sports hahaha.

I mean, climbing for 12 years already, it's super refreshing.

I think skating has a lot of body awareness too.

Kind of like climbing.

And I'm glad I can kinda translate the awareness of body from climbing / acro to skating.

Just that the movements are much more dynamic.

Want to keep learning! 

And look cool hehe

Okay byeee

Things I hope I take away from this experience

 Actually maybe not things.

I might be a little tipsy right now but I'm quite clear that what I want to take away from this C+ experience is

I really want to learn to take things slow.

Not just physically but mentally.

The world feels so different when I got COVID-19.

Especially how everything slows down.

Thoughts slow down.

And how much I realised I've been thinking too fast.

Every single thing.

When I smoke in my room and looked outside my window, I felt like the world outside is moving so slowly.

And it just slow my thought process down too.

Two of my good friends are going to leave Singapore for a good 1 / 2 / 3 years.

I just feel so much right now.

I think especially CK because I spend a lot of time with him.

When I feel alone and I have nothing to do, just crashing his house feels really good.

Or the weekly Friday Mahjong sessions at my house.

These 2 friends leaving made me feel like a part of me broke.

Maybe not so exaggerated but I really felt the difference when I think about times I have no one to turn to.

I know both are just a text away but y'know, knowing that they are in a foreign place makes me feel that they are too far away too.

I hope the two of them can achieve what they want to achieve from this trip.

And I will see the two of you very soon.

Take care.

Wherever you are.

You'll be missed :) 

Day 3 of Covid

Hi. It's 10.44pm right now and also the 3rd day of Covid for me.

Just had quite a nice stretching / yoga-ish kind of session myself on the floor.

Kind of reminds me of those times stretching alone at the back of Onsight.

Full concentration and focus on breathing.

Proprioception.

Honestly felt really good to bring both the physical and mental state into the same space.

It feels amazing to be able to translate whatever I have in my thoughts to bodily motions in this real space.

It's like a literal "translation" of thoughts if you understand what I mean.

Being alone in my room for the past ~ 70 hours have been really quite interesting.

Like what I told Jun Wen, the amount of work hasn't change but the whole world seems to slow down.

And it just occur to me how fast my brain has been functioning all the time.

Even at times where I thought I was being with myself, I wasn't.

I was alone with myself, but my thoughts weren't with myself.

They were thinking about all other things that were distracting me.

So it was a nice 'me' session.

Though it lasted for a short 30 minutes or so, felt really refreshed.

And just wondering if I can incorporate this to my daily life once I am tested negative.

Really just wanted to log down that I had COVID-19 and to be honest it reminded me that we have been living in this pandemic world for 2 1/2 years already.

So thankful for the vaccine, can't imagine how awful it might have been for those people who suffered from it before the mass production of vaccine.

And really glad that life is finally returning to its norms.

Thankful for this experience (as crazy as this might seem)

《再也沒有你》

 標題和我正想要寫的沒關聯。

也許只是昨晚聽了好幾遍。

昨晚真的是喝了太多了。

突然有種很難説出來的感受。

爲什麽又來到這熟悉的狀況？

仿佛把我丟回差不多兩個月前的場景。

似乎一摸一樣嘞。

我猜過幾天這個熟悉的感覺也就會忘了吧。

爲了給後來的自己瞭解這個post，

我再講的人是J。

我知道這感覺可能明天睡醒就消失，但就是好想把昨晚的情緒寫在這兒。

讓那幾分鐘的情節，永遠就留在這裏吧。

安靜

雖然好累，但今晚有種好安靜的感覺。

可以說是一個好平安的夜晚。

不經意地覺得在繁忙的生活裡，我們多該放慢腳步，看看自己，看看周圍。

才發現這幾天，這幾週，或這幾個月都非常的忙碌。

只有在這種夜晚裡，我才能好好聽見自己的心聲。

原來我也有這種能力。

喔，對了。

如果你今天來到了這裡，讀到了這一段，我想祝你生日快樂。

希望你接下來的生活會過得幸福。

加油。

喝酒過後

難道你不覺得你喜歡的歌的歌詞都似乎在訴説你的私生活嗎？

今天就聽著告五人來越過今晚吧。

剛剛聼他們的直播，感到很開心。

就像和一群朋友們邊喝酒，邊聊天似的。

他們今天説了他們告白的故事。

讓我想起我有什麽資格和你告白呢？

就算你知道我好喜歡你，但又有什麽用呢？

我已經看到故事的結尾。

時間會一直 的過，而我對你的感情也將慢慢地消失對吧？

這只是生活中的一段。

我想一年過後我連中文都不用。

你信不信？

08052023 在回顧這一個 post 吧~

母親節快樂

有一種非常慚愧的感覺。

但不每年都一樣嗎？

就是等到這種節日或在生日的時候，才覺得自己是一個毫無孝心的兒子。

這幾天過的蠻辛苦的。

大概每天就喝點酒，試把情緒隱藏在心裏。

也沒和什麽人說話。

就這樣一天過一天的。

在社交媒體看見朋友們的生活都似乎過得很充足，很快樂。

每次看了都會不經意地感到一點嫉妒。

往自己内心看的時候，就覺得自己這麽大的一個人了卻什麽都還沒規劃好。

事業像是搞到一團糟，父母擔心也是對的吧。

想和他們説我在爲自己奮鬥，但我卻一點信心都沒有。

我哪兒在奮鬥呀？

我每次都好懷疑自己是否真的有在努力。

讓後看看真實世界的我，不是喝酒嗎或是在攀岩等。

我也不知道寫這些有個屁用。

我只知道最近早上起來的心就是充滿自恨。

我也不想這樣啊。

如果世上真的有奇跡的話，

也許真的有辦法把這可悲的狀態改善。

因爲我覺得答案可能就是

一位還沒認識的你。

I hate you so much these days

And maybe I'm just overwhelmed by darkness today.

That sense of loneliness and that feeling that everyone is doing better.

At whatever they're doing.

That butterfly in the stomach with the low self-esteem just like how it's been since young.

I'm tired today.

And I know it isn't true but I just can't help feeling that everyone is better off without me in their life.

And that pushing people away is just going to make the reality of things worse.

And it's a death circle.

It's so strong.

Running out of cash for alcohol.

Everything everywhere all at once

How did it make me feel?

To be exaggerated, it made me feel everything, all at once.

It felt like a trip.

That psychedelic trip which I have forgotten.

It reminded me of that omnipresent feeling I had while I was tripping.

The pain I felt, the joy I felt, and all the emotions I felt, everywhere, all at once.

It brought me to so many places.

It brought me to my secondary school times.

It brought me to me bawling at home while watching 28 未成年, (which brought me back to while I was 18)

It brought me to the day I was at the roof, calling SOS because I had no way out for my brain.

It brought me to all those drunkard nights.

It brought me to my red slide, where I felt omnipresent too, where I told myself whenever I lie there, I could feel all those emotions linked to the times I was physically lying there.

It brought me to the time when I hugged you for the last time below your block, and saying good bye for the last time.

It felt like all the pain I had felt before all came rushing in all at once.

And it is not a bad thing.

It feels good to feel.

And that hyper awareness of myself is amazing.

And yet another film that makes me have a mental 'crackdown' to reveal the deep me.

It's as if I woke up from a long nap.

A long long nap.

That feeling of awakening all over again.

All those people in my life whom I've felt so dearly for came rushing back.

And suddenly feeling that the clock is ticking again.

Tick tock, tick tock.

As if I could see that meter of my life.

And that spiral thoughts in that book..

And at the center of it, was you at that point in time.

And how funny it is that if I were to do a spiral writing again, it'll always be a different someone at different stages of my life.

I don't know what I'm writing anymore.

But thanks for the trip.

Been awhile

Since I've properly sit down and watch Twice's content.

Feels so happy to be a Once all of a sudden again :')

Watching this episode makes them so human.

Like after shooting for JSL for almost a year, I feel a tad closer to the entertainment industry.

So while they were talking about their traineeship and growing together as OT9, I tried to put myself as a crew shooting for them and could kind of imagine how they are like as humans.

Can imagine how much they have grown in this 6 years.

Especially when Sana was talking about how Chaeng has matured throughout the years, knowing what's her style, what she likes and being able to explain to people 100% why she likes certain stuffs / why this style.

When they talked about MBTI, Chaeng's INFP and Sana's ENFP, I could just totally relate to how Chaeng appreciate Sana being in Twice.

Kinda just like my friendship with those ENFPs.

But other than that, just freaking love how cute they are in this video HAHAHAHA.

My heart like asdfkljsafsa.

Right after watching this ep, went to watch The Feels MV again and felt so much.

Like it brought me back to the exact point in October last year, when I guess I was in a better state?

And suddenly recalled how I tried to analyse the cinematography, lights, set for the MV etc.

And how I went crazy over Chaeng at the last chorus.

And also how Wei Lun and I were mad fanboy-ing in my room.

HAHAHA.

Okay bye. :')

這樣的早晨

我倒不如不醒來。

繼續做

白日夢。

Must you?

Seriously very tired of you judging my career choice ever since I graduated.

So looking forward to this shoot and you had to comment and despise my work.

Fuck

酒後狂哭

 好久沒這樣了啊

這一下

死了啦。

有點連起床的力氣都沒了。

天天

在夢裡看到的人，在現實生活終於看到了，真是很大的不同。

繼續做夢吧。

晚安大家!

幹。

或許

不是單單因為你，而感到現在的煩躁。

或許是你讓我想起了這幾年過得匆匆忙忙，沒好好停止下來想想我自己過得怎樣。

或許你把我腦撥開了，這幾年來擦肩而過的人都突然一次過回到身旁。

讓我好好的再次看他們多一眼。

有可能是這樣的，不都是你造成的。

我沒必要把所有沉思的都和你做個連結。

自己的問題吧。

這樣的思想真的對你一點都不公平。

我也該了解"期望越高，失望越深"這一點吧。

這幾天，天天到晚都滿想你的。

也好幾個月了吧。

真的好想知道你在想什麼啊。

Am I really?

I'm shocked that people said I look happy.

It's such a starting contrast when I look inwards.

How do I explain these few days?

Well, for me to even be so 'motivated' to come to this old place means a lot.

Didn't even come here after I broke up hahaha.

This feels good though.

The sound of the waves crashing be silencing the noise inside.

At least those noises have been converted into words.

Not all of them, but at least I could hear myself again.

Maybe I just feel lonely all over again.

I'm sure it isn't the lack of friends because I've been hanging out with people.

But I guess it's the lack of people who truly have time to sit down beside me and listen to me.

And everyone is busy, either physically or mentally.

I just feel like I'm being selfish if I open up too much.

And I know I can't really express myself well; even if I feel like I opened up, there are feelings that are difficult to put in words too.

The thoughts of going to see a therapist is popping out again.

Just comparing this line with "You look like you're happy." just makes me feel so unheard and misunderstood.

I'm not getting any younger.

And the stress of not knowing how the next few years will pan out scares me quite a bit.

But looking back, wasn't this what I was thinking about the past few years?

As I was walking to this spot that I'm sitting at right now, I was thinking to myself;

If life's journey is like this seemingly endless path, it really seems like we are all chasing things that we can't see.

In front of me is the future, and as I take steps forward, behind me will be the past.

And it just suddenly daunted on me that it really is the NOW that matters the most.

I don't think I will ever be not afraid of the future and the unknown, but isn't there a choice right now to stop walking and just take all of these that is happening in?

And if I were to do that now, I'd say I'm thankful for what I have now. 

Maybe I'm just a little stress out being stuck in this "city life" where everything and everyone is moving at such a fast pace.

Looking out to the sea, makes me realised how small these problems really are.

It kinda reminds me of the vast array of rocks stacked in Hampi.

And those exact thoughts in 2017.

I don't have an exact answer still even sitting right here.

And I guess it's okay.

And maybe all I needed for the past week, was just alone time.

So, I'm really grateful for what I'm seeing now.

:)

整個世界

彷彿神魂顛倒了。

這幾天都過得好慢喔。

做什麼事都覺得好分心啊。

我也不知道該寫什麼，只是在巴士上聽著音樂就好多感觸。

其實這幾天都滿相似的，就是沒事做在發呆的時候就滿腦想着你。

和幾個朋友討論了但大家都沒有個答案。

也許這狀況真的有點複雜。

好久沒有這種感覺了，沒想到我還能有這麼一天。

好煩却沒有個清楚的解脫。

我想我只能發洩在攀岩上啊。

之前心碎時都是這樣的，也許現在也一樣吧。

嗨

我猜你因該沒機會聼到我心聲。

但我非常地感謝你。

不知爲什麽，但你讓我開始對人生的觀念有些改善。

這幾天我腦子裏的黑暗都暫時地消失了。

突然好想爲自己着想，把那些壞的日常生活習慣給改掉。

雖然覺得喜歡上你沒結果，也不知道該做些什麽。

但我覺得這始終也是一種過程吧。

像朋友所説的，用這個 ”喜歡“ 來找找自己吧。

今天，我好難過

好難過，好難過。

電腦都一直播好傷心的歌哦。

都是自找的吧。

感覺像是世界越來越黑暗。

頭腦也已經不懂再想什麽了。

我覺得這一切不是單單因為那一天她說的那句話。

而是她那句話讓我想起了好多好多的人。

現在在播放李榮浩的《不遺憾》。

歌詞讓我想起前任，熒幕卻讓我想起中學傻傻追了那麽多年的你。

好多好多人就這樣插肩而過。

也不曉得他們現在過得開心嗎？

真的很好奇，你婚禮當天我到底會感覺到什麽。

因該是高興吧。

這幾個月來，真的非常的忙。

都沒時間停止一下，做自己真正想要做的事。

想自己看一部電影。

想去大自然的地方散散心。

但就是力不從心。

為什麽你就不能好好照顧自己一下？

每天只懂得喝酒。

我覺得如果這樣下去，很快就要崩潰了。

這樣下去一點都不對。

不懂在寫什麽了。

88

幻想結束

那就把今天寫在這裏。

還真是奇怪的一天，不知不覺感到那麽憂鬱。

也不是説真的“不知不覺”，因爲原因還蠻多的。

好開心今天能勇敢地為自己想要或想擁有的出一份力。

雖然得到了想要的答案很傷心，但至少我也試了吧。

也許沒有人能夠瞭解我在講什麽，但自己瞭解自己不是更重要嗎？

我好勇敢哦，真的。

那一步往你那邊走，我知道我是真的爲自己而想。

好久沒有做出這樣的舉動，感覺還蠻新鮮的哈哈。

追蹤了幾個月，和朋友訴苦了那麽多個晚上，一瞬間就被一句話把所有的幻想刺破了。

但我憂鬱的不是單單因爲得到了答案，而是感覺整個世界都沒人再管我的感受。

實際上，好多人都問了一聲“u ok?"但我只能用一張笑臉回答説，"我okay."

我還能説什麽？

就是因爲知道好多人在爲我關心但我卻覺得非常的寂寞，才覺得這是一個更大的問題。

自私的我還看著她，覺得爲什麽大家都爲她擔心，那我這邊的感受誰知？

那就一直硬撐，笑著笑著，大家就沒把我的事情當作一回事。

我還他媽的有夠恨自己，爲什麽會有這種思想。

好累哦。

好不容易才感到自己有小小的希望，故事就這樣結束了嗎？

學繁體字、聼華語歌、看台灣片、刷抖音視頻，我承認這些都是我的小動作。

想要把自己放在你的世界裏，多了解讓你有感觸的東西。

而我猜你永遠都不會發現，有個人就這樣每天傻傻的想這你。

也許永遠只是一個陌生人。

還真希望有機會能認識你多一點。。。

Had a crazy visual inflow from ITZY's MVs

Was binge watching MVs, and thinking of how were all of the shots lit.

Some crazy lightings and camera movement.

Think this type of production is only something that I can only wish for.

The edits are so damn crazy too.

仿佛每一首歌

 都和某個人有聯係。

想到快要瘋了。

怎麽辦

 不知爲什麽最近真的很喜歡用中文打字。

可能是受刷一刷的影響。沒想到繁體字真的非常的好看。

可是和製作組比起來，我的中文是非常的爛。

幸好我中學是讀華校，至少還能瞭解他們一點。

哈哈都不懂我打的字對還是錯。管他啦，自己看得爽就好了。

最近一直在想一樣的人。

和 Allson 聊了幾個禮拜還是再講同樣的人。

不知爲什麽她會讓我感到那麽的煩惱。

知道有問題的時候是當我早上起來的時候，第一件事就是想起她。

那就看著辦吧，這樣煩下去也不是辦法。

只希望不要再讓我經歷不想經歷的感受。

好難得開始對莫個人有好感， 但又非常害怕再一次地被感情受傷害。

一年多都已經過去了，我也該慢慢地向前看。

但説得容易。。。

説的還真的非常容易。

哈哈哈

"It's as if I only have a few hours of sober each day."

 Read back on my previous post.

And that's the line that is resounding.

I feel shitty when I see people in the industry being so 'happy' and 'successful'.

And doing all the things I love to do.

And I'm stuck here in my own head.

Oh yes, happy new year.

No resolution, no goal setting.

Just...

Another year I guess.

Whenever I see myself from the outside, I feel so pitiful.

This guy is just full of hurt.

And it's struggling to even stay afloat.

But society doesn't accept just staying afloat isn't it.

I'm tired.

But I can never get a good rest.

I'm just ranting.

Ugh.