Am I really?

I'm shocked that people said I look happy.

It's such a starting contrast when I look inwards.

How do I explain these few days?

Well, for me to even be so 'motivated' to come to this old place means a lot.

Didn't even come here after I broke up hahaha.

This feels good though.

The sound of the waves crashing be silencing the noise inside.

At least those noises have been converted into words.

Not all of them, but at least I could hear myself again.

Maybe I just feel lonely all over again.

I'm sure it isn't the lack of friends because I've been hanging out with people.

But I guess it's the lack of people who truly have time to sit down beside me and listen to me.

And everyone is busy, either physically or mentally.

I just feel like I'm being selfish if I open up too much.

And I know I can't really express myself well; even if I feel like I opened up, there are feelings that are difficult to put in words too.

The thoughts of going to see a therapist is popping out again.

Just comparing this line with "You look like you're happy." just makes me feel so unheard and misunderstood.

I'm not getting any younger.

And the stress of not knowing how the next few years will pan out scares me quite a bit.

But looking back, wasn't this what I was thinking about the past few years?

As I was walking to this spot that I'm sitting at right now, I was thinking to myself;

If life's journey is like this seemingly endless path, it really seems like we are all chasing things that we can't see.

In front of me is the future, and as I take steps forward, behind me will be the past.

And it just suddenly daunted on me that it really is the NOW that matters the most.

I don't think I will ever be not afraid of the future and the unknown, but isn't there a choice right now to stop walking and just take all of these that is happening in?

And if I were to do that now, I'd say I'm thankful for what I have now. 

Maybe I'm just a little stress out being stuck in this "city life" where everything and everyone is moving at such a fast pace.

Looking out to the sea, makes me realised how small these problems really are.

It kinda reminds me of the vast array of rocks stacked in Hampi.

And those exact thoughts in 2017.

I don't have an exact answer still even sitting right here.

And I guess it's okay.

And maybe all I needed for the past week, was just alone time.

So, I'm really grateful for what I'm seeing now.

:)