破碎的完整

《她和她的她》

9 episodes, what a journey of self-exploration the series had brought me to.

It spoke deep into what I've been through, and I guess what you have been through (or still going through) too.

All those pain back then resurfaced.

And in the mixture of reality and pockets of painful pasts, I see things in both perspectives.

One from 2017, and one from 2022.

I broke down in episode 8 when Hao Ming found out about Chen Tsi's blog.

That immediately brought me back to the moment of me finding out about your blog.

The whole series speaks about caregiving, suicide, dissociation, depression, grief, trauma.

I did not expect it to be such a 'mental health' orientated series.

Was honestly taken aback but I thoroughly enjoyed how this film had explained so much about the things I used to think was unexplainable in words.

As much as I have stepped out of the haunting abyss that I thought I would never get out of, the remnants of those feelings linger.

Especially moments when I wake up nowadays.

But it is definitely better than what I was going through years ago.

I know that you know that I'm speaking about you.

And I guess maybe you will see this post some day.

Being really emotional now after binge-watching the show and it made me want to say certain things to you.

I guess I don't really know how to put it into words properly since so many years have passed since all that had happened.

I guess things are a lot better now that I am not romantically attracted to you any more.

But as I was smoking just now, I still think about how you were the only one on this Earth that could connect to me on that level.

And I still always think back about that sentence.

"People come and leave, but I can't just leave myself"

Or something along this line.

It's really a very strong statement.

And that feeling of burdensome was very well conveyed in the show.

And I could feel the pain in the male character at episode 9.

Because he really wants to help, but he is just as helpless as her.

I just want to say sorry to you too (again) for creating so much pain for both of us during that period of time.

It was really a scary period for me.

And I always felt very unfair for you because it wasn't just a "period" for you.

I know you told me that things have gotten better for you.

And I really hope it is so.

I know that I don't reach out as often to you as I did back then but I hope you know that you will always have a place in my heart.

And I'm just a technology away as usual.

We might not connect as deeply as we did in the past, but still glad that we once shared those experiences of pain 'together'.

I don't think anyone will ever understand how painful it was for the both of us.

It's been a long time since I dug up these feelings.

But it feels a little liberating to do so.

And as usual, I got reminded of why I chose this career path in the first place.

It's a medium that speaks what words can't.

The power of expression through film.

I will continue working hard and honing my skills.

And one day hopefully, to shoot something that can express to the world how I see things.

Good night.