There are some days

where nothing seems to bother you.
It's so bad that not even the knowledge of a friend dying bothers you kind of spectrum.
I'm feeling that right now.
How funny right.
Feeling nothing.
I do wonder how it would be like,
To actually feel something right now.
It's been quite some time.
Well not really actually.
It's me standing in the middle right now.
But do I have a choice of which path to take.
I guess it's back to one of my previous post.
Where I mentioned that, it's always the decision to fog it out or not that drains the soul away.
Yet I still wonder whether it's a decision kind of thing though.
Nothing interesting anyway.
I think I've felt too much in that past week.
Maybe it's my body telling my brain to take a break.
That's why I'm like this.
So aimless.
Like a walking dead.

Maybe one day

Our thoughts and perceptions would change so much that we would never ever be able to feel how we're feeling now.
In a way that the things that make sense to you right now may not in the future

A force so huge

That nothing seems to be able to stop me from doing anything.
It feels like I can punch down some buildings or something.

There's always this

Very comfortable familiarity whenever I drink alone.
Not sure about the clarity.
But thoughts are clear.
Not sure whether they are real though.

Calm the nerves

Let the alcohol seep through every vessels.
Let the dimension shifting begin

Sometimes

it feels like being normal or happy is a choice.

Like it can be done if we actually want to.

But what's holding us back.

I think it's some sort of uniqueness that we want to feel.

The feeling that we are different from others.

There's just something unreal about being down here.

Something that most people don't understand.

Which empowers the reasoning of wanting to stay in the dark side sometimes.

Yet, when it gets too overwhelming, we can't find ourselves back.

At least we try to convince ourselves that it is temporary.

But yet again, the over-convincing sub-consciousness never fails to push us back down.

And when we're past the fog, on the surface, gasping for air, reality kicks in so hard that we don't know who we are anymore.

Which leads us back to reconsidering whether it's actually better to be under it.

There is certain comfort in hiding back behind the fog because there are certain truths in our thoughts, or maybe it's just a self-projected reality that we enjoy being in.

And the ever changing decision to pop back out or dive back under becomes an inescapable cycle that follows every thought, be it whichever reality that we're in.

It becomes inseparable in both dimensions.

And this never ending cycle makes us so tired.

And bored sometimes.

That we feel like we need to do something to poke right through the cycle.

To find another dimension to ease our boredom.

I think that's when psychosis comes in.

The point where nothing actually makes any more sense.

And that temporary lost of identity.

And the soul inside of our bodies remain too trapped within the cycle.

With an overwhelming force that brings the cycle further and further away from interactions, connections and feelings.

All that's left, just a dark abyss of nothingness.

Lol don't even know what I'm writing.

Sleep.

Black face

Feel so annoyed by whatever that just happened.
Walked in the rain for so long cause my friend can't give direction properly.
And not even realising he's being stupid for causing me to be angry.
Fuck.
Shit.
At least I don't have to show my face for now.
Glad I'm working alone here.

Yet

There's this underlying chaos in all that quietness.
And the consciousness transits between them.
So constantly that you don't feel belonged anywhere.
Just floating around all these and staring at it from another observer's point of view.
Yet still feeling that subtle connection of both peace and chaos, at the same time.
Sometimes I think, why can't I just choose one .
Yet at times I think, I'm kind of special in this way.

I can't

Feel.
Thoughts aren't appearing, this disassociation feeling is getting all too real.

Reading back

"Scenarios that popped up in my head that hurts me physically."

I guess reading back on certain things are quite triggering.

I'm about to lose myself completely.

Feels like a thin line to insanity.

The last stick

was so freaking haunting.
Everything that happened seem to come clear.
I don't know how long I can do this.
But I'll try.

A noisy head

Smoking my 4th last cigarette early in the morning.
The familiar inhales.
With the familiar thought process that I really don't know how to give up on.
Even if it's screwed up it seems to belong to me.
Let's see.
Two more days.

Dazed

So dazed

Understanding empathy

There's a clear difference between understanding empathy and blind empathy.
Yet, I guess I still crave for people to understand what I'm going through on a day to day basis.
Sometimes it feels like nobody will ever understand.
And it feels like I have to deal with my own head everyday.
It's exhausting.
Just me myself fighting myself.
Can you imagine fighting so hard that you have no more energy left to give anyone.
Even to people who you love.
And people who love you.
I'm so tired.
I don't even know what's going on.
I hate it.
I hate what's going through my mind right now even if I know it's temporary.
Fuck this house.
It's too damn noisy.
Can't even blog.
ZZZzzzzzzzz

Met up with the oldies

Had dinner and some drinks with the 3 guards peeps.
It's been so long since I've seen them.
The sudden realisation that my memory is really bad and that there isn't much for me to talk to with them since they're regulars.
Nevertheless it's still nice to be able to walk back down memory lane with them.
Talking about our man and stuffs like that.
Just thinking how I'd be in the near future.
When I'm their age at 28 years old.
Wonder what kind of person I'd be.
So tired from the meet up.
But I guess it's the lack of nicotine too.
On a side note, LKCNHM was kinda fun this afternoon.
Went there with dayna and zw after BA meeting.
So much things to do.
Feels like I'll never get a rest from my head.

Finals over

Felt like I have so many things to write yet I don't really know what to write about.
Finals are over.
At least it's one thing off the mind.
Trying to quit smoking this summer.
Hopefully it'll be the last time I try to quit smoking.
(Though I highly doubt so)
But let's see how long I'm able to last.
Smoking has changed my perspective many times.
Every time I smoke it creates a new perspective in everything I do and feel.
Maybe that's the hardest reason to give up because quitting comes with the quitting of certain personality that I won't know whether I'll give up on.
Feels like there's so many things to do this summer.
BA , work , climb , get driving license , ICT, clear RT.
It's not that better than studying anyway given the amount of things that I've neglected on.
So many things to catch up on.
So many friendships to rebuild on.
Yet all I know is that I do have time to myself and that's the important thing I guess.
Guess I'm going for BA meeting now.
Shall plan out the things I need to do for this summer.
Especially RT.
Pain in the ass.
And in the midst of all the busi-ness really hope I can save some money to go for a short getaway with anyone anywhere.
And to save money to get my license.
And to save money for team trip at the end of the year.
And to save money for a new lens.
Wew.
Never felt money playing such importance in my life.
But anyway quitting smoking will get me quite some saving.
Guess that's one of the motivation to quit.
Idk how my thoughts will be though.
It's really like giving up a part of me.
Losing this side of me that will be lost forever if I quit.
Guess it's quite a big change this summer.
Well, we'll see then.