Listen to the voice

And for one of the rarest time, I questioned myself.

"I can't even study."
"I get distracted so easily."
"Why can't I do this anymore?"
"What's going on?"
"What's the problem with me?"

And then just out of the blue, suddenly, I told myself to listen to those voices.
Especially the last question.
I answered "Stop. There's no problem with you. It's just thoughts."

I identified it, and I rectified it on the spot.
I managed to see that it was the thoughts that made me feel in a certain way.
And that some thoughts aren't true even though it just keeps popping up.

Maybe that's what it means when people say "People can only help this much, but I'm the only one who can decide to stop it"
It felt so unreal at that point of time.
Or rather, it felt even more real when I questioned myself.
I realised that I've really been suppressing myself with too much negative thoughts.
And that I haven't been able to get out of the cycle.
But just a few moment ago, I managed to do it.
And agreed that there's nothing much people can do if I decide to let my thought run like this.
Because they can't understand fully what's happening in my head.
Only I can solve my own problems.
Only I can decide what to do with these thoughts.
And for a moment, everything disappeared.
Every fucked up negativity that tells me that I am weak, I am a bad person, I am too sensitive, I have too much worries, I am depressed, I can't get out of this, I am stuck forever, I am too needy;
All of them vanished like how a magical spell was cast and it dispersed all the clouds above me.

I feel again.
And it hurts to see that I've been really suffocating myself too much with my own thoughts.
Though I managed to get out this time, I can't say for sure that the next time I would.
It comes in different unique ways all the time.
Maybe when I'm smoking, maybe when I'm alone studying, maybe when I'm in a big group of friends.
And it can manage to bluff through your personality.
And convince you that things are bad.

But not this time.
Just not this time.

So tonight, (even if it's just temporary peace)
I learnt to listen to those voices.
And question them back.
I'm not really that bad of a person.
Stop lying to me.