Hahaha

Really been a tiring week.
Finally got time to just sit on a chair and not do anything.
Really damn shagged.
Got outfield next week.
3D2N.
Kinda excited and scared for it because it will be my first ever field camp.
Hope I survive.
Hahaha.
And then the next next week would be centipede.
So damn scared.
But whenever I think that I'm an officer to be, I'll feel manlier and be able to overcome all the shit.
LOL.
It's really a lot of shit.
When I come back from centipede, definitely gonna enjoy myself.
Hahaha.
Okay nothing much to blog about.
It's all army restricted stuffs.
Can't really say too much details.
But yeah, it's tough.
Not really looking forward to tomorrow's half marathon.
5km.
Damn waste time.
Hahaha.
Okay shall go eat my lunch.
CIAOZSX

At least

the people in army all showed their true colours.

There are still so many people out there which I don't understand.

Even after so many years.

The way I perceive them keep changing over time.

Is it me or them?

Probably me.

Yeah, I guessed it's just me.

The quietest

Hahahaha.

Supposed to feel happy that I'm turning a year older yesterday.

Feels weird that it didn't feel like a birthday yesterday.

Maybe cause I didn't get to blow a cake hahaha.

I'm getting this fact that we shouldn't expect too much from others sometimes.

It will make you feel better.

Btw I'm not talking about the bbq last night.

The bbq was good :)

Drank so much yesterday.

Can't believe next year I'm turning 20.

Been blogging on this blog since I was 16.

Hahaha.

So much has changed in the past 3 years.

Feels soooooooooo damn weird.

I've changed so much and it scares myself sometimes.

You all must be thinking, "lol this weepin gonna start blogging sentimental stuffs again"

But I feel really good just typing my thoughts out.

So just let me rant abit.

Army has been very very tiring for me.
Both mentally and physically.
But definitely more mentally.

Everyday while I'm inside, I'm thinking of coming out.
Hoping the day would end faster, hoping the day would be happier inside.
Hoping that commanders won't be that strict on us.
Hoping that we got more admin time.
Thinking of what is happening on the outside world.
And feel so sad while stuck inside.
People having freedom out there while I'm here doing my route march, IPPT, THT, smlj sai also have.

Then while I'm outside, I can't seem to enjoy myself as much as I wanted it to be when I'm inside.
Cause there's this "dread booking in" feeling following you around wherever you go.
And just when you're starting to enjoy yourself, you realised it's a sunday.
And it's hours before you book in.
This feeling makes me want to cry.
It really sucks.
I bet everyone feels the same way as me too.
But I guess I took it more negatively as compared to the rest.

I'm really shagged of army life.
Can't wait to ORD and lead some normal lifestyle out there.
Where there aren't routines.
Where there aren't uncertainty.
Where you can decide what you want to do next week, next few days or even the new few hours.
I just feel so trapped.

I guess the past few days has thought me not to expect for things.
It really sucks when reality < expectations.
Hahaha.
I really thought it would be that easy.
Who knows?
Sigh.

Finally,

I'm motivated to blog about non-army related stuffs.
Just caught the movie "The girl in pinafore" with Kenny and Vincent.
It was definitely a great movie.
Makes me think about the people around me.
And definitely school days back in xinmin and mjc.
Comparing schooling with army, I've realised a lot of different.
You have 24/7 to continuous do what you want.
For example, you can spend everyday studying, spend everyday playing or just spend everyday catching up with your friends.
And you know this cycle won't stop.
It's a routine.
A daily routine.
Imagine trying to chase after a girl that you like.
And BAM, 5 days back in camp.
Then 2 days out.
AND BAM, you're fucking back in camp again.
Chase what girl?

I don't know whether it's just me or what.
But I feel that every time I book out, I feel that I finally connected back to world.
It's like Wi-fi.
Maybe it's just me, but I'm constantly scared that my friends would forget about me.
I just feel so secluded from this outside world.
I guessed I failed to not talk about army again.
Hahahaha.
I guess I just miss the feeling of being loved.
Not saying I'm not being loved.
Just that I'm only being loved on weekends.
2/7 days.
And you people out there need to learn to cherish civilian life.
It's freaking good.
Don't know why am I saying all these when I'm already a 3 month soldier.
Probably because I just watched the girl in pinafore and all the sudden emotions come back.
Watching the show made me feel like a civilian again.
Ah fuck this.
So tired to blog.
Blah.
Shall go dota.
But seriously, I miss civilian life.

That sudden realisation

That I'm not happy with life now.
I was walking to bathe.
And I looked at my dad.
He looked really tired.
From working, from the society.
Kinda make me think that I'm actually having the same tiredness.
One of my values in life is to stay happy.
Because YOLO.
I think that's very important.
And it has been even more important now since I'm losing it.
Thus, I'm going to be more positive in my thinking.
And be more cheerful.
Maybe things aren't that bad afterall.
Look at things in another manner, maybe I might learn something new.
BOOK IN LO!
SO HAPPY.
Right.

It's a Saturday

And I ain't feeling that good.
Don't know what's bothering me.
Or it's probably I'm just very tired from the one and a half hour sleep at zong han's house.
It was a long day out yesterday.
Went to eat dinner with Vincent and Wai Heng at Hot Tomato at Nex and then Kenny came.
After eating went to buy movie tickets.
Wanted to watch 2 movies.
Girl in pinafore and conjuring.
But end up girl in pinafore sold out at 9.20 one so we just bought the counjuring at 11.40.
We were damn scared for conjuring.
And we were sitting second row.
I kept thinking, omg I'm definitely going to die in the theater.
But end up, the movie wasn't as scary as I thought it would be.
This doesn't mean it's not scary, it's still scary.
Go and catch it to find out hahaha.
So after that headed to zong han's house to "MAHJONG".
Supposedly.
Then in the end we just end up watching some dota comp.
And stalking some girls.
Yes.
We did that.
DK vs Alliance.
And then everyone just fell asleep cause the match was too boring.
I was the last to sleep.
The match ended at 5am and I went to sleep.
Then freaking hell, zh got some alarm that rang at 6.30am.
So I woke up and went toilet.
Then felt so hungry so decided to wake up and go eat breakfast.
Went to eat macs and then after that headed home.
Freaking tired but then everyone wanted to dota.
So we dota dota dota until now.
Which is 1.34pm.
Some arguments in the last game.
Lol.
It always sucks when your friend scolds your another friend.
And you're the centre man.
And being like "fuck this shit".
Hahaha.
Well who cares.
Ain't gonna affect anything.
Anyway, the booking in feeling is eating me up.
And it's only saturday.
I don't know why.
Maybe OCS is really not for me.
It's really not that easy.
I must say it's tough.
And I really want to bond with my buddy, section mates and platoon mates fast.
I really need them to motivate me throughout the 9months.
Definitely not going to pull through this myself.
Need alot support.
And right now there's like less things to motivate me for my book out.
Nah not climbing.
Lost the psyched to climb hard and train hard.
Going to the army makes me feel less involved with the world around.
That also means making me feel like I'm stuck in my own bubble of thoughts.
Which I can't relate to anyone outside the world.
It's sick to go to army.
It's like living another life.
I don't like two different personality of me.
It's not real.
Ahhh.
All this bullshit reflection always hits me when I'm very tired.
If not I won't think at all.
Guess it's good and bad.
But I need to pick myself up for this journey.
A long journey indeed.

OCS (CLM)

These 3 weeks have been so packed and busy that I couldn't have time to stop and think about anything.
There's really nothing much to say about life in OCS.
Because it's really just shag.
So far things are going fine.
Starting to get to know my section and platoon more.
My buddy changed from Derrick to Guo Wei.
Still unfamiliar with the people around me.
But I got a good feeling that all of us will be very close together after service term.
Or I HOPE that would be the case.
If not we will definitely die together in our overseas training.
What I think is if all of us really rely on each other for help, and all of us really help each other, I think we can definitely pull through this 3 months if not 9 months together.
It's really not easy to be part of this school.
Where everyone is so up there and everyone has their own opinions.
So how to know who's the up there of the up there?
The only way is to make the training tougher.
So imagine, during BMT, all the Officer Cadets stepped out when they are tired to help others.
But now imagine in OCS, all the people around you all Officer Cadets.
And the only way to differentiate how up there you are, is to make everything damn shag.
And I can tell you, my leadership challenge was so damn shag.
Then the instructors could only say that this is nothing compared to other events next time.
Thinking of that it really mind fucks me.
Like how am I going to survive this 9 months throughout.
Let's see what this service term brings me first.
For now, it's a holiday.
Shall use this time wisely.
Get some rest, get some fun and more importantly get some love from the people around me.
See you guys.