Navigating through the crowds

As I was walking alongside the humans in Bugis, I felt the strong representation of myself in this world.

It occurred to me that we are all navigating through the path of life.

And we are all making infinite decisions throughout this life.

Everyone's at their own pace.

But I just can't help feeling like a snail in this rat race.

Yet I know I should stop comparing myself with this seemingly flawed society.

It's a constant battle between these two ideologies. 

How long more do I need to figure life out?

Or have I already and just need a stronger self-acceptance?

Angel VS Devil

Today's internal struggle was so strong.

It was really a fight between trying to be functional and not trying at all.

A fight between taking care of myself and letting myself rot.

A fight between channelling my energy to pick myself up or let the energy turn negative.

I'm not trying to say that I did a good job by choosing to take care of myself, doing things I like.

I'm just trying to say why is there a 'hurdle' to doing the things I like to do.

Why can't I just (without activation energy) do the things I like.

And just tired from the internal fight between the Angel and the Devil.

But okay, happy that I finally drew Chae Young after contemplating for years.

And It looks pretty okay to me (even though I think I'm a perfectionist).

Her left eye could be slightly bigger, the 2B shadings on the nose bridge can be darker.

Her right side of the upper lips look a bit distorted.

Shadow below her right eyebrow isn't blended properly.

Nose isn't obvious because of the lack of the nose bridge shading.

General shading of the face isn't perfect.

BUT FUCK.

IT LOOKS LIKE CHAE YOUNG.

I don't care I think I did a good job already.

For someone who didn't have any art background.

And I think that's my way of working hard for my industry too.

Keeping my creativity in check while I grow up.

And I guess that's why I keep reading books and heading to the movies too.

Just bought a fictional book too, been awhile since I read fiction.

A break from trading, Day 1.

Let's see what the next few days teach me.

I want to die but I want to eat tteokbokki

Just wanted to write some stuffs here while I'm feeling numb / overwhelm.

I don't even know which I am feeling anymore.

Life has revolved around trading like what I said.

But it's been revolving for a good 15 months now.

And how the metaphorical representation of trading in my life is woven so deep now.

It's scary.

Like it feels like my depression / anxiety / future depends on it.

And that idea that my whole life depends on it makes it so stressful for me to trade well and logically.

I've busted my combine again after reaching 6k.

And honestly I am really tired.

I know I've said that too many times.

I don't even know what I want to say nowadays.

I am probably taking a 2 weeks break from trading?

Finally taking a break.

The last time was Grampians.

It's been half a year since I took a break lol.

But I hope this break gonna let me see life again.

Almost lifeless but also trying really hard to recover mentally.

I finished "I want to die but I want to eat tteokbokki" just yesterday.

And I remembered wanting to write down some stuffs about it.

I wrote some parts of it in my personal IG.

But I think what I'd really take away from it is the importance of human interaction.

As much as life is tough (Really tough) right now, being able to just interact with humans make me feel slightly better.

And I know I have to force myself to interact to recover.

And like what the author wrote, not just interacting with one person, but with several different people.

The author wrote about being able to talk to people when she was younger and finding it more difficult as she grew up.

And after she went for therapy, she started sharing her thoughts with people around her.

The act of sharing her thoughts with people made her feel like is a better way of living.

The idea of togetherness as a collective human civilisation (?)

It resonated really well with me.

Or rather with the younger version of me.

And I knew I had lost it recently.

She also wrote about the idea of conforming to society.

It hit me that I've been "Conforming to society" because I have been comparing with people around me.

How social media has made me jealous of people who I know the younger me wouldn't give a fuck about.

And it's sad that I am seeing it now.

But I guess never late than never.

I don't even know what I'm writing anymore (how I usually end my posts now)

But I just wanted to write whatever that popped up in my head.

I want to feel better.

I want to make things work.

I know I am in the process of recovery and I'm unsure how long it'll take.

It scares me not knowing what the future lies (especially with this deeply intertwined life with trading now).

GADFKLGJDL:GKJSDF

Bye

Express Funded (Week 2) BUSTED

How do I feel?

Honestly I felt I was going crazy.

The anxiety was sky high, the depression was sky high.

I gave myself so much pressure to earn that $200 so that I can draw out whatever that's left in my account.

That $200 was a metaphorical representation of my life.

If I can earn that $200, I am so sure I can turn my life all around.

No more depressed me.

Life will start getting better.

The thought of how close it is but not making it in the end crushed me.

Like I was crying due to my panic attacks.

I felt this immense urge of self-harm.

Because I was so tired.

Writing about my inner thoughts in a clear mind is really so refreshing lol.

At least I'm not writing the content of the inner dialogue but instead just writing about it from a third person POV.

Honestly I've been really depressed for the past year.

I can't deny how my financials were the main cause of this 'worse' depressed state.

For new readers, I've lost close to 60k to options trading.

And now I think back about it after a conversation with my dad, it was legit pure gambling.

Okay not entirely, but my emotions were of a gambler's mindset.

I just really wanted to write down about my conversation with my Dad.

For those of you who knew, I've been at a cold war with my Dad ever since I graduated from Uni.

Because of my career choice, the countless time he told me to find a stable job caused us to quarrel quite a bit until it's been an elephant in the room since then.

I even wrote about it in one of my post, I think it's me after watching Elementals?

About how I know I worry them a lot.

After busting my funded account today, I broke down in front of my Dad.

Or rather I wanted to talk to someone.

It's so rare that I reached out to people.

I guess like what Allson said, when you're so overwhelmed, just want to talk to somebody.

So I opened up my Dad's room and walked in, we lied on the bed together and talked about everything.

I confessed to him about me losing 50k.

He sounded very disappointed in me, but it's not that kind of disappointed.

It's like a, damn I wish you hadn't done that.

I've never talked so openly with my Dad before in my entire life.

(Sorry my thoughts are all over the place but I'm just gonna write everything that pops into my head)

That was a really nice conversation with him.

All my insecurities about what my dad thought about me was gone.

I knew he really meant me well.

And his worries are all valid.

I always knew that, just we never talked about it.

I'm actually really really tired.

I'll probably write about my conversation with my dad again one day.

Just to summarise

I'm just broken mentally today that I was so close to winning.

That one win that will change my life for the better.

But I'm also super thankful and relieved that me breaking down in front of my Dad, we finally talked about the things that we couldn't talk about for years.

At least he knows what's been going on with his son, and what his son's thinking about all the time.

And I'm also glad to just confirm on my end what his worries were.

That's why it sucks so bad too because my end goal of trading, is really to be able to earn a lil more (or a lot more) and then I can y'know make my parents less worried.

So this one win is so important for me..

But I fucked it all up because of emotions and impatience.

Oh well.. 

I'm sure I can get it back again.

And I must...

(with less pressure this time since my whole family knows that I'm doing now lol)

Express funded week 1 (And emotions)

Passed my topstep last week.

Trading on this funded account for the 1st week and I'm proud to say I'm up 6k from the first week.

Although this might be a bit sketchy because I hit my max loss limit on the 3rd day but my account wasn't deactivated.

So just praying that their bug on the end saved my life.

Ngl, this is one of the toughest week.

I feel like this whole week was a dream and only finally waking up on the weekend.

As much as I say I have no emotions while trading, I think that I am suppressing all my emotions instead.

Only finally feeling everything when I stop.

I mean this week could have ended really really bad with me busting my account and trying all over again. 

But I'm relieved.

And exhilarated.

Because I think I just earned 6k usd in a week.

It was a really rough fight.

Body auto waking up in the morning and starting trade if I have nothing on.

Really felt like a full time trader.

A beginner one.

Just wanted to note down how distracted I have been throughout the week.

Checking the market every now and then.

Gotten daily loss limit because I was emotional, and hitting mll because I was too eager to enter trades.

It was really a ride of emotions, a roller coaster indeed.

When I was bathing this morning, I just snapped out from my trading daze and realise holy shit. 

I just earned 6k in a week!

This whole thing might and should work out eventually.

If I can draw out more money than I put into paying for the combine, then I should be profitable.

And it is honestly very very achievable.

Thinking of the road from here excites me.

I felt like I was lost for more than a year.

My goals in life were all over the place.

If I can just make this work, there's so many more intangible things I want to do.

And at the top of my head, just repaying my parents, hanging out with my friends (just treating them to meal or something for being there for me through all these toughest times)

It is (as I always put it) INSANE.

And lastly, find back my love for film / content creation because that's the core of my life.

The list goes on but I have to keep on fighting.

I am hopeful now.

It's been awhile since I have been so hopeful. 

Let's continue grinding.

Good job weeps :')

<3