Things I hope I take away from this experience

 Actually maybe not things.

I might be a little tipsy right now but I'm quite clear that what I want to take away from this C+ experience is

I really want to learn to take things slow.

Not just physically but mentally.

The world feels so different when I got COVID-19.

Especially how everything slows down.

Thoughts slow down.

And how much I realised I've been thinking too fast.

Every single thing.

When I smoke in my room and looked outside my window, I felt like the world outside is moving so slowly.

And it just slow my thought process down too.

Two of my good friends are going to leave Singapore for a good 1 / 2 / 3 years.

I just feel so much right now.

I think especially CK because I spend a lot of time with him.

When I feel alone and I have nothing to do, just crashing his house feels really good.

Or the weekly Friday Mahjong sessions at my house.

These 2 friends leaving made me feel like a part of me broke.

Maybe not so exaggerated but I really felt the difference when I think about times I have no one to turn to.

I know both are just a text away but y'know, knowing that they are in a foreign place makes me feel that they are too far away too.

I hope the two of them can achieve what they want to achieve from this trip.

And I will see the two of you very soon.

Take care.

Wherever you are.

You'll be missed :) 

Day 3 of Covid

Hi. It's 10.44pm right now and also the 3rd day of Covid for me.

Just had quite a nice stretching / yoga-ish kind of session myself on the floor.

Kind of reminds me of those times stretching alone at the back of Onsight.

Full concentration and focus on breathing.

Proprioception.

Honestly felt really good to bring both the physical and mental state into the same space.

It feels amazing to be able to translate whatever I have in my thoughts to bodily motions in this real space.

It's like a literal "translation" of thoughts if you understand what I mean.

Being alone in my room for the past ~ 70 hours have been really quite interesting.

Like what I told Jun Wen, the amount of work hasn't change but the whole world seems to slow down.

And it just occur to me how fast my brain has been functioning all the time.

Even at times where I thought I was being with myself, I wasn't.

I was alone with myself, but my thoughts weren't with myself.

They were thinking about all other things that were distracting me.

So it was a nice 'me' session.

Though it lasted for a short 30 minutes or so, felt really refreshed.

And just wondering if I can incorporate this to my daily life once I am tested negative.

Really just wanted to log down that I had COVID-19 and to be honest it reminded me that we have been living in this pandemic world for 2 1/2 years already.

So thankful for the vaccine, can't imagine how awful it might have been for those people who suffered from it before the mass production of vaccine.

And really glad that life is finally returning to its norms.

Thankful for this experience (as crazy as this might seem)

《再也沒有你》

 標題和我正想要寫的沒關聯。

也許只是昨晚聽了好幾遍。

昨晚真的是喝了太多了。

突然有種很難説出來的感受。

爲什麽又來到這熟悉的狀況？

仿佛把我丟回差不多兩個月前的場景。

似乎一摸一樣嘞。

我猜過幾天這個熟悉的感覺也就會忘了吧。

爲了給後來的自己瞭解這個post，

我再講的人是J。

我知道這感覺可能明天睡醒就消失，但就是好想把昨晚的情緒寫在這兒。

讓那幾分鐘的情節，永遠就留在這裏吧。

安靜

雖然好累，但今晚有種好安靜的感覺。

可以說是一個好平安的夜晚。

不經意地覺得在繁忙的生活裡，我們多該放慢腳步，看看自己，看看周圍。

才發現這幾天，這幾週，或這幾個月都非常的忙碌。

只有在這種夜晚裡，我才能好好聽見自己的心聲。

原來我也有這種能力。

喔，對了。

如果你今天來到了這裡，讀到了這一段，我想祝你生日快樂。

希望你接下來的生活會過得幸福。

加油。

喝酒過後

難道你不覺得你喜歡的歌的歌詞都似乎在訴説你的私生活嗎？

今天就聽著告五人來越過今晚吧。

剛剛聼他們的直播，感到很開心。

就像和一群朋友們邊喝酒，邊聊天似的。

他們今天説了他們告白的故事。

讓我想起我有什麽資格和你告白呢？

就算你知道我好喜歡你，但又有什麽用呢？

我已經看到故事的結尾。

時間會一直 的過，而我對你的感情也將慢慢地消失對吧？

這只是生活中的一段。

我想一年過後我連中文都不用。

你信不信？

08052023 在回顧這一個 post 吧~

母親節快樂

有一種非常慚愧的感覺。

但不每年都一樣嗎？

就是等到這種節日或在生日的時候，才覺得自己是一個毫無孝心的兒子。

這幾天過的蠻辛苦的。

大概每天就喝點酒，試把情緒隱藏在心裏。

也沒和什麽人說話。

就這樣一天過一天的。

在社交媒體看見朋友們的生活都似乎過得很充足，很快樂。

每次看了都會不經意地感到一點嫉妒。

往自己内心看的時候，就覺得自己這麽大的一個人了卻什麽都還沒規劃好。

事業像是搞到一團糟，父母擔心也是對的吧。

想和他們説我在爲自己奮鬥，但我卻一點信心都沒有。

我哪兒在奮鬥呀？

我每次都好懷疑自己是否真的有在努力。

讓後看看真實世界的我，不是喝酒嗎或是在攀岩等。

我也不知道寫這些有個屁用。

我只知道最近早上起來的心就是充滿自恨。

我也不想這樣啊。

如果世上真的有奇跡的話，

也許真的有辦法把這可悲的狀態改善。

因爲我覺得答案可能就是

一位還沒認識的你。

I hate you so much these days

And maybe I'm just overwhelmed by darkness today.

That sense of loneliness and that feeling that everyone is doing better.

At whatever they're doing.

That butterfly in the stomach with the low self-esteem just like how it's been since young.

I'm tired today.

And I know it isn't true but I just can't help feeling that everyone is better off without me in their life.

And that pushing people away is just going to make the reality of things worse.

And it's a death circle.

It's so strong.

Running out of cash for alcohol.

Everything everywhere all at once

How did it make me feel?

To be exaggerated, it made me feel everything, all at once.

It felt like a trip.

That psychedelic trip which I have forgotten.

It reminded me of that omnipresent feeling I had while I was tripping.

The pain I felt, the joy I felt, and all the emotions I felt, everywhere, all at once.

It brought me to so many places.

It brought me to my secondary school times.

It brought me to me bawling at home while watching 28 未成年, (which brought me back to while I was 18)

It brought me to the day I was at the roof, calling SOS because I had no way out for my brain.

It brought me to all those drunkard nights.

It brought me to my red slide, where I felt omnipresent too, where I told myself whenever I lie there, I could feel all those emotions linked to the times I was physically lying there.

It brought me to the time when I hugged you for the last time below your block, and saying good bye for the last time.

It felt like all the pain I had felt before all came rushing in all at once.

And it is not a bad thing.

It feels good to feel.

And that hyper awareness of myself is amazing.

And yet another film that makes me have a mental 'crackdown' to reveal the deep me.

It's as if I woke up from a long nap.

A long long nap.

That feeling of awakening all over again.

All those people in my life whom I've felt so dearly for came rushing back.

And suddenly feeling that the clock is ticking again.

Tick tock, tick tock.

As if I could see that meter of my life.

And that spiral thoughts in that book..

And at the center of it, was you at that point in time.

And how funny it is that if I were to do a spiral writing again, it'll always be a different someone at different stages of my life.

I don't know what I'm writing anymore.

But thanks for the trip.