Functionality Check

I think I'm so fked in my head that I'm starting to not function as a human.

When I travel to and fro shoots / travel to get stuffs, I look out of the car window and everything is a blur.

This depersonalisation is getting pretty serious.

It's a BLUR everyday.

How do I bring across the idea of BLUR here?

Vision is physically a lil blur (of course when I'm staring into blank space)

And the mind is like a cloud.

Like a black shroud around my head all the time.

And I'm starting to not now how to deal with myself.

Isn't that a scary feeling.

When you can't deal with yourself anymore but you are with yourself 24/7.

I wonder if I'm feeling like this because I woke up late today and just feeling so stressed.

Definitely.

Fucking split personality dog.

Sometimes you're fine, sometimes you're pitiful.

And right now you are pitiful.

I dreamt of a girl I have not seen before in my life.

She was staring at me for a long time.

I read it as she needed a hug.

So I reached out my hands and gave her one.

Not me trying to analyse my dreams again.

But it just made me think about how I feel like I'm always giving.

But never ever receiving.

But that's the lie that I am telling myself too.

Look at the number of buts in the last three lines.

Crazy shit.

Going nuts here.

I'm out.

Okay I'm pretty late

But feel like writing before I go for work.

Yesterday's shoot was good feel again.

I guess every shoot with MDC is very chill.

Sat on a bean bag and film, how comfortable is that.

And everyone just works together well and chill and happy.

Really enjoyed working like that.

Shall work towards having a dream team in the future too.

Recently, I think my head is abit haywired.

I think I've gotten too stress over the amount of work I need to do that I stop caring anymore.

Anyway, after yesterday night's shoot, I wanna buy more lights and some gel.

Very exciting.

Have been binge watching how to light.

Wah it's so nice to watch HAHAHA.

Hope I have more time to learn and up my level too!!

Jia you to myself.

Okay la I need to go for work.

Just felt like writing abit because I was listening to YOASOBI.

HAHAHA.

Ikura's voice is always so soothing.

Brings me to another realm where idk, I feel chill and a little more creative.

Okay one last song before I leaveeee.

"失去了你

 仿佛一切变回了原点"

Pulsate

Uncalled anxiety last night.

Was in such a mess.

I hate myself yesterday night.

I hate my thoughts.

Unnecessary heart beats last night.

I guess all this still stems from you.

Maybe it's natural instinct to fill this void.

And thus the crazy texting was triggered last night.

Supposed to be a no work day.

I guess it's a half day then.

Who in the world told you that people enjoy talking to you?

Stop fucking assuming.

What's so important about

Expression?

Why do humans want to express themselves?

What is the primal instinct behind that?

What do you do?

 If you have work to do but you REALLY don't want to do any?

It's announced today about the new COVID regulations in Singapore.

So how do I feel about that?

I'm honestly a lil happy?

Even if it means I have no pay for awhile.

I need that break.

Well-deserved or not I don't know.

I just drank a little and I am sad.

And I guess that's why I am here writing on my blog.

Thankful for those people who accompanied texting me while I was drinking.

Cyue especially.

Hahahaha.

Well, I am tired.

And I don't want to do any work.

But I have to because I'm supposed to take a DAY break tomorrow.

I need to make that happen.

While I was bathing just now I was thinking, maybe I can do my work tomorrow.

But I DON'T WANT.

And it also means that I have to do my work by tonight.

But after drinking I just don't feel like doing shit.

"Maybe you should try writing..."

Well I do, I guess in this form.

I am thankful that S talked to me while drinking just now.

Like I said to her the other day, talking to a stranger is the best feeling.

Because there's no attachment, no judgement of history.

Blank white space, as what I've always said.

So thank you.

Well I guess I'll start doing some work in a few hours time.

But for now I feel sad and I just want to just keep typing...

But I'm also at a loss of what to type.

Maybe it's because I know that this post is going to be posted (instead of staying in the draft)

Maybe I should just put this in the draft.

Okay nope.

I kinda want people to know how sad I am.

HAHAHAHAHA.

Thankful in the saddest moments.

I shall go and grab another beer from the fridge.

BRB

Just wanted to thank Cyue too for being by my side ALL THE TIME.

Like literally.

Except for the fact when he's in prison lolz.

Hmm... what do I wanna say.

Let's just type something random then.

I subscribed to this new channel called Gaffer and Gear on Youtube.

Watched a video about the "Best Advice I Ever Got" and it was truly eye-opening.

Some things, I've already been practising, but others are really really informative.

Enjoyed it really.

Also, I really loved watching Girl Out of Nowhere from Netflix.

Well I believe I have a lot of things I'd love watching on Netflix just that I don't have time to watch lol.

But Girl Out of Nowhere is so gooood, talks on so many important topics about life in a slightly eerie manner.

I love it!

Oh and also a podcast that xx recommended me.

Well, it's by a pastor and it certainly is quite interesting.

I can see why she's hooked listening to it.

Why the fk is my body itching up from alcohol.

Never happened before.

ANW, next week I'm supposed to have 5 consecutive days of shoot.

3 of them is sort of my 'own' business and 2 of them is from MM2.

MM2 shoot isn't cancelled but I have no idea what to do about the other 3.

What is the regulation?

What can I do?

Can I proceed to shoot?

What is the protocol?

Who do I ask?

Honestly it's quite a bomb out of nowhere but I guess I'll figure it out soon.

AND THAT'S WHY I QUESTION TOMORROW.

Because it's supposed to be a day I completely disregard all my clients and friends and just spend time myself.

It's supposed to be a day I think about all these noise that's happening around my life.

And listen to myself.

That someone that I've locked deep inside my heart.

Who hasn't gotten a chance to speak at all.

I want to speak to him.

And that day is supposed to be tomorrow.

But how do I just cut things off completely.

When it seems so 'necessary?'

Do I just ghost and disappear?

What would that make me.

Fuck.

I am tired and I am sad.

I'm just going to drink and chill for the next few hours.

And I guess, start doing work.

Lol.

Mental Check

Feel like it's always a mental check for me when I write here.

Feeling extremely tired and burn out.

LOL every fucking post I write the same thing.

And I'm not doing anything to solve it.

I feel like I'm stuck in this process...

Oh well, 20 backlog to go.

Hopefully getting Jon Chew to edit will slowly allow me to breathe.

Really praying hard for my mental health.

Every morning has been quite a struggle.

It's so tiring to wake up tired, sleep tired, work tired.

Wow, there's so many tired in the previous sentence.

Hmm, shot at ORTO and 555 Villa Thai yesterday.

Had some post wrap drinks with the production team and the host Sin Nee.

I swear that yesterday's night wrap made me feel like the work I'm doing is something that can sustain me forever.

Not in the monetary sense but instead, the company, and the feeling of sense of belonging.

When all roles are broken down and we became humans.

It was a nice feeling.

Even Sin Nee was human.

I was talking to her about the borders.

(Because in my mind I was thinking about Chin Yue and about how when the borders open, will definitely chiong there)

She's alone in Singapore, with her family in Australia and Malaysia.

Can't imagine how she alone she must be feeling.

And just the general vibes of the whole team.

Very happy to be working with them, let's just hope my work improves over the years.

All these hardworking creatives, just trying to maintain a spot in this world.

Allez to myself too.

And when I read back on previous posts

 sometimes I feel that my mind is exaggerating so much.

But man, when I'm in that thought process it's as if the whole world is falling apart.

(referring to the last post)

Hahaha.

Have been thinking about this lately.

About how the coffee every morning makes my eyesight better.

It's as if the reality is being presented to me once I take the first sip of coffee.

The tinted vision disappears as soon as I take that first sip.

And I was wondering how coffee is like a reality medicine for me every morning.

I enjoy my morning take a lot actually.

Just like what Chin Yue mentioned the other time, he is starting to take too long of "morning me time"

Anw, was editing Wilfred's video yesterday and went through his JC photos to pick some for cutaways.

Can't believe JC has been 10 years ago.

Looking back on all those photos bring back certain memories.

But I think there isn't much 'dull / gloomy / sad' period in JC.

Trying hard to think of the time I cry in JC.

(Not saying that crying is a representation of my emotions BUT)

I really can't remember any moment where I cried.

The only time was when Atlas lost cheerleading.

But that was just a moment.

And yes, the announcement of the reduction from 8 to 5 pax.

Yet again.

Feeling as if we might go through another CB period if the cases doesn't improve.

I just agreed with pang about how I want CB to come again.

Or rather I was thinking about it.

And realised CB was exactly a year ago.

It wasn't the best period of time I guess.

Might wanna take back on that 'agree'

Hahaha.

Well I think I say that now because I just wanna finish all my backlog and feel less stress.

Watch some movie, read some book, learn some new skills.

Hmm... that's what I said last year too.

End up just playing ML and ruining relationships.

Cyue wasn't around either, it was a weird period haha.

BUT NOW CY IS HERE WITH US

WOOO

Not sure if he reads this but owell.

Shall head back to work.

It was a nice morning vomit of my head.

*Clicks on new post*

 And a white rectangle appears in front of me.

So tough to wake up this morning.

Work has became more manageable.

But I'm starting to stress up for Friday's shoot because I have no idea how do I track and provide teleprompter at the same time.

Think the most plausible way would be to use the ipad teleprompter and mount it on my flycam.

But not sure how it's going to play out.

And the shoot is in 4 days and I haven't confirm a lot of things..

This non-stop stress since the start of the year has been really really unhealthy.

I know I've said this a million time but it just irks me that I can't get this stress out of my head.

I constantly remind myself that work is never ending, and I should take a "mind break" but I just couldn't do it.

I said "mind break" because I think I do take breaks from working; going out to spend time with friends, spend time with family but the mind never ever take a break.

Will keep thinking about the things I haven't done when I'm out.

I feel like I'm trapped in a very toxic thought process.

I just keep feeling stress.

And yes, I hate it.

It's making me feel like I am not happy with what I'm doing anymore.

So tired.

So unmotivated.

So fking depressed.

And I guess everyone thinks I am alright.