Don't trigger the demon

If you can't handle

Fuck the two of you

Fucking ganging up on me.
Don't you know how fucking hard it is for me to wake up?
And all you can do is just raise your fucking voice when I'm still soundly asleep.
Fuck you all seriously.
And ya it's always wrong when I raise my voice back.
Cause I'm not meant to be listened.
It's always my fault.
I was already fucking awake.
I was just replying messages.
Al got kicked out from the house again and had to live on the streets.
And all I could hear outside my blanket was wake up, I need to do work, late already.
And my Dad shouting in the background to ask me to wake up.
What kind of fucking morning is this.
Fuck you all seriously.
Blasting music in the bathroom and crying.
Cause that's the only safe haven.
After I bathe just pretend that everything is fine.
Maybe the cause of all of these was y’all.
The reason why I thought so much about things since young.
It's tiring man.
I'm already a fucking 24 adult.
Why.. Just fucking why

A plague

The alarm rings and the engine starts.
It plagued the motors and the gears.
Nothing rational could be processed.
I could only see death, death, and death.

As the Sun penetrates the eye lids.
The only thing I see - blood vessel.
"Why am I still alive?"
I could only wonder why, why, and why.

Humans are all similar in the end

Thanks for the night again

Updates about myself

Been thinking about quite a lot of things.
I mean since when I don't.
I have a paper in 2 hours time but I'm deciding to write this down since it's rare I get a peaceful morning.
I want to be honest with how I am now.
And so here it is.

Lots of things have happened for the past month.
None of them is linked to me directly.
I've cried, I've felt the pain, I've empathised with all of your emotions.
But if it's the me in the past, I think I'd have crashed and hide from the world.
But this time things were different.

I find it amazing how the mind creates a habit that has saved me couple of times.
It's like when I know my mind is going to wander into the abyss, it stops.
It stops and the book pops out.
All the words from the book start spilling all over the creases on my brain.
Everything stood still.
It was a moment of presence.
I become self-aware of my thoughts.
Aware of how my mind always wants to bring me back to a torturous place.

I think I am better at listening to people now without having to 'possess' them and take the pain all to myself.
I think I've learnt to separate myself.
Instead of being in everyone's head all the time.
I still do sometimes, but it lasts shorter now.

Career wise, I'm really glad to take Vanessa's video up.
It gave me a portfolio and kinda opened up to more opportunities.
OSA approached me yesterday to ask if I could do the post event production for them.
Honestly, it took me really long to decide not because I was busy.
But I was more afraid that I could not produce up to that payslip.
In the end, I have decided to do it, and I would put in 100% effort to make the video perfect.
So what is perfect to me?

0.01 makes a difference in a video in my eyes.
If the video is off with the music just by a little bit, it isn't perfect.
Colour.
To ensure similar levels throughout the video.
Exposure.
Perfect levels for all clips even if it's just 0.01.
Transitions.
Appropriate and timed perfectly with audio and audio effect.
3rd person POV.
Re watch video through the lens of different target group.

I really want to do this well.
It is indeed another stepping stone for me.
Who knows?
I could impress DBS with this video?
:')

Right, and back to academics.
I've really lost all motivation to study.
Hahahaha.
There's so much more out there but I feel so stuck right now.
Doing the bare minimum I can now to graduate.
Let's just hope I can graduate on time.

Would not say that I'm in a good place now.
But definitely in a better place than before.
I'll continue to be self-aware of my thoughts.
That's probably the most important that I've received from the book.

Time to work hard.

Pop

The sound of the knee popping signifies the pop of the bubble.
I was brought back to the reality of life.
The amount of fucks I give to my studies, to my friends, to my parents.
It all came crushing down.
I was being selfish.
And that's why I climbed well.
I feel well.
This pop let everything that I built up diffuse in.
It hurts.
It's so painful.
When all the faces flash past my head.
I was always drowning.
And that's why it was the bubble.
I was never above the surface.
It was a false reality.
That all was well.

Fuck this.
Maybe all was well.
I should stop here.

Order in chaos

Silence in noise
Self-care in a pool of pain
Bubbles in water
Unharmed till the surface

I don't feel the direct pain

But I am so worried for the three of you.
Wish that things will get better.

The power of now

Honestly, reading this book has helped me in certain situations.
It keeps me sane sometimes.
But it also makes me super insane whenever I lose control of my head.
I think that if I were to consciously apply whatever I read into use, I could be a better human.
There's a lot of queries that were answered by this book.
Skeptical thoughts that popped out in my mind were asked in the questions.
In like a QnA style.
It's rather interesting.
One of the most interesting thing is the idea that the present is all that you have right now.
And going to the past or the future is something considered "unconscious"
It helps in a way.
I find it easier to realise how my head always likes to go to the past to seek a sense of identity.
And to go to the future, which always cause me to have a panic attack.
Maybe the thing I don't like about the book is the idea of spiritualism.
I like to have beliefs about my actions and thoughts.
But this book just throw it all away.
Saying that our current actions and thoughts are not really defined by what we do in the past.
I was skeptical about it because being present means to lose oneself.
But the book explains it in a way saying that we are not defined by our past.
It has helped me.
And I really hope that I could "remember" to be ever present in any situations.
Also, it thought me to be more aware of my own thoughts too.
It helps in silencing when I could try and focus on one individual thought at a time.
So much has happened in my mind these past few days.
Honestly, tired of listening to the thoughts sometimes.
When I'm tired I'll always just let them flow.
And whenever I let them flow, it'll just not stop flowing.
And I'll be super messy whenever.
Almost break down so bad just now.
I'm glad this habitual reminder to be present has helped to pull me back.
If it weren't habitual, it wouldn't help I guess.
A little bit like how lucid dreaming works.

Quite a bad day.
I want tomorrow to be better.
One day at a time.
One hour at a time.
One second
At a time.

A surge of force

It hits in waves.
How does it feel.
Nothing but death.
How does it feel.
Screaming underwater.