I can't do this (again)

I need to write my thoughts down before they explode in my head and become shrapnel of words.

It's week 3 now and I am so damn tired of everything.

I need help with BA.

Just last few things but I feel like I am doing this all on my own.

NYC is being a pain in the ass.

Seriously? I thought it was clear enough for the claims to be processed.

And then I have to go down again just to collect them and re-submit them.

I don't think it is messy at all.

You're just lazy to look through the receipts properly.

At least that's what I feel.

And people's problems.

I feel so much pain for all the things that has been revolving around me.

I wish I could be there for every single one of you.

But I can't.

And my attention is spread.

Yet again.

I tell myself that I should be selfish.

And care about myself.

Easier said than done.

I lose motivation too easily.

I can't even pick up my fucking pen to start doing my assignments.

I can't even open up the fucking gmail just to send an email.

I can't even bring myself to write my concerns for the people around me.

I'm really tired.

I woke up this morning feeling like there's a ton of things to do.

But the inertia is too high to start on anything.

Who can I turn to?

When all my good friends are either dealing with things, having a weird relationship with me, or simply don't think they understand anything at all.

And there we have it.

This white space that has always been by my side.

It's nice though.

It is as limitless as my brain.

Rants after rants.

Maybe I just need a real person to talk to.

I need some igniter in me to kick start the engine.

Take care of myself.

I'll try.

No promises.

Tears of clarity

I went back all the way down.
I don't know why I did that but I read everything again.
It hurts so fucking bad.
I felt like I was back to who I was.
I was close to losing everything I had in my life.
It felt so fucking unfair to me.
Everything was just not going my way.
I felt the loneliest I've ever felt.
I don't want to go back there again.
It's a sad path.
It's hurting me so fucking bad right now.

You

Demon

Infinite

Charlie.
24.

First impressions

I don't think any of this first impression has any positivity in them.
I'm just sorry that you have to see me like this as a first impression.
I should have known better.
I fucked up.
You're absolutely right.

Been an interesting day in my head

So, I was asked to meet a client who was interested in looking for photographers.

And then came the meeting which I was late for.

And I think it caused a bad impression of me as a person.

In addition, I did not bring the files which I am supposed to show her.

And hence, it triggered a series of thought process which I am currently still thinking about.

So it goes a little something like this.

To shoot food, I need to have at least a 35mm lens.

Or something macro.

And also good lighting which I have no idea.

I quoted 75 an hour while the previous photographer is charging at 400 an hour.

I told Kenny that honestly, they're paying too much for that photographer because yes, it is a series of good photos, but I won't quote someone this price, it's quite ridiculous.

And then, I thought about me having to rent a lens and lighting.

Also having to research on macro photography and the usage of lights.

To be honest, I felt like I was going to lose money at the end.

At the expense of my busy schedule.

And then came the thought that, I should actually have a way to tell people what kind of photos I shoot and what videos I do etc.

So I decided that I need to start a website in the future.

With all my portfolios inside which I can show to my future clients.

So I need to keep shooting at the start.

And then suddenly came the downpour.

I thought that I wouldn't be able to make it.

And just a surge of negativity about my whole outlook of life.

I felt like things were of no purpose.

I felt like I am just dreaming to run away from the reality of work life and adulthood.

There was this voice in my head to ask me to wake up.

Just go and do a 9-5 job.

Use your physics degree as a backup.

Until I saw a man who was in his 60s.

And the 15 year old me shouted right at my face.

This is what you told yourself.

You are not going to be sucked into society.

No matter how shitty life is going to be, you don't want to succumb to the easy way out.

There won't be any purpose for you to lead a life just like anyone out there.

There's so much more out there.

And then I just thought to myself, I have surges of motivation in a pool of low motivated periods.

I felt like this is how I am as a climber, a PD, a captain and a person.

Sometimes just wish that this surges of motivation comes every living day when I open my eyes.

I know some people just have it.

But is it something that is in-built, or do we find it?

Sometimes

I really do wish I was better at talking to people.
And not typing things down in words.
It makes things a little awkward isn't it.
How I wish I could tell you all the things I wanted to say.
In person.
I'm just bad at this I guess.

Let's chill this out then.

Yup

What else do you want me to say.
I have nothing to say.

Just watched a short video

How accurate.
Things were exactly how it was in the past.
I'm glad I've moved on.
And that we're just really good friends now.
The pain is still there yes, but I'm glad we are where we are now.
Thanks.
For being there.

School's starting

Hmmm
Don't know how to feel about it.
But I guess I've accepted the fact that I'm not going to rest properly before school starts.
Cherishing whatever that's left.

Things have been pretty heavy for me I guess.
Been thinking a lot about you.
I really don't know what things are going to be like.
The uncertainty isn't fun at all.
And I'm sure you feel the same way too.
But we said that we're not going to talk about "next time".
So I'm glad that we both agreed on "We'll see how"

And you, you just left too.
I know it's been 8 months but heck, I still think about you.
I'm glad though that I won't be seeing you around.
It affects me a little whenever I see you and know that we can't talk like we used to.
But I just hope that you're happy.
With what you have now.
And I will be too.

Hmm, and the team too.
It sucks for me to know that so many people are leaving.
I foresaw it coming anyway.
But not as painful as I think it'd be.
But I'm glad that I've made a choice nonetheless.
If not I won't be able to be at peace with myself.
I really hope that I made the right choice.
And that the sacrifice of friendships would be worth it ultimately for the team.
And whoever that is left, I wish that I have the capability to ensure that you guys get the best out of it.

BA is going to be over soon.
I'm left with NYC, and my own reimbursement stuffs to settle.
Post event report that I wish to bring the next marketing PD with me to meet Anthony.
And lastly, handing over everything to the new PDs.
Right and BA video.

FYP.
Fuck.
I don't know what's going on.
I really need to find out soon lol.
But yup.
I know that yuki probably is as lost as me.
Hopefully.
Then we can suffer together HAHAHA.

1 more year in NUS.
Let's give back to the team and make sure my juniors enjoy what I had in the past 3 years.
Climbing friends are my only friends in NUS (ok cept physics).
I hope they will feel like the team is as important as what I always perceive it to be.
And after 1 year, life is going to start.
I'm pretty excited for the next phase.
I'm ready for things to be shitty.
I hope.

Hi blog

I'm thankful that whenever I open you, you're as white as a blank space.
I don't know what to do.
I just wish that everyone's problem can be solved.
And that there would be no pain left in the world.
But then again, it's kinda funny if the whole world is drunk right now.
There'd be so much true talks.
Fuck all this fake talks.
Why do we even do that.
Why do we act as if we're happy, act as if we're sad.
I don't know.
I know I'm drunk af now.
But dood, I wish everyone gets the best out of life.

Unfair

All three of you are gone.
Guess this is my role after all.

What's the best thing that happened to you?

Winning that demon that is trying to take over me now.
I fucking won you.
I'm sure I'll win again one day.

Drifting away

Bro.
I'm glad you're right here talking to me.
Because I think no one will understand this feeling bro.
Fking tripping ass right now without anything.
It's nice that you're talking to me bro
HAHAHAHA.
Maybe it's after effect.
Maybe I'm tired.
Maybe a lot has happened in the past week.
But it's nice to have familiarity.
Thanks for being around for the past year.
Wouldn't have made it that far without you.
You chose the right decisions for me there and then.
Because you could see the bigger picture.
So.
Thanks bro.

Drifting away into the night.
Let my soul diffuse.
Let it flow through everyone's mind.
And when it comes back.
It's a little richer.

Don't leave me

I have never heard anyone say this to me in my entire life.
It has always been the other way round.
I told you I can't promise anything.
Because I know promises hurt more than anything.
Given the number of friends that have walked away from my life, maybe I was the problem.

Hate waking up to shouts.
Maybe that's why I fear waking up sometimes.

Things are quite in a mess now.
BA, academic planning, climbing, team.
One after another.
I just wish things could quieten down soon.
But there's no time for rest.

I'm just forcing myself to plan for a rest for the remaining days left before school starts.
But it's not working out.
I don't think I can rest until everything settles down.

I wish so much for me to be able to do things that people do when they're free.
I want some precious times to myself.
I mean I do have them now, just that it's not how I want it.

But I guess like what you said.
Take things one at a time.
Hope it'll be fine.