Reading back

I feel like I'm reading someone else's conversation.
Things have changed so much.

War

Dreamt that I was out on a mission. We were trapped in a small house while the whole nation was wiped out already. I was holding a sar, loaded and ready to fight to my very last breath for the nation. So I gave my last ops order and came out with the best plan that I could thought of to the remaining comrades / civilians who were still alive and we hid in various places of the houses, waiting for the them to come in, and kill all of us. I hid in the toilet, which was just at the end of the staircase. It was dark, but I was ready. I looked through my scope, everything was ready. My magazine was in, I've cocked my SAR. And the door opened and light bounced into every different corners of the room. Someone whispered in the dark, "They're here." My gripped tightened, and I looked through the scope with enhanced focus. Maybe it was the body's optimum condition to be in just before I get killed. I felt so ready. And then, the silhouette passed by and I caught a glimpse of the faces. It was Yong Sheng and Min Jian. The crosshair was on Yong Sheng's head, he did not notice me. As much as I didn't want to, I pulled the trigger...
Bang.
My SAR was faulty and not zeroed properly. They knew where we were now and they came rushing to the top of the house. And from the corner of my eyes, I saw my friends getting killed and the innocent civilians being killed. I walked out from the toilet and surrendered with my two hands held high. I shouted at them "Don't do this!"
Bang!
I was shot in my left chest. The pain was excruciating. My clothes became wet. And I realised it was the blood. I lay down on the floor, my vision became dark...
Bang!
Another shot was fired even though my senses were dying on me. Yong Sheng was shot, and he was lying beside me. Our eyes glued together. I crawled towards him. He crawled towards me too. I was still feeling intense pain pulsating through my entire torso. I held his hand, and we just stayed in that position, motionless.

And so.. I was still alive when I opened my eyes. Someone was sending me home on a wheel chair. Everything seemed fine, the entire city seemed vibrant again. But there was still pain, I was still wounded. I realised it was my mum, pushing the wheelchair, bringing me back home. She seemed so at peace. She must not have known that I was about to die. I looked at her and felt at peace with everything. At one moment, there was a flashback on my life. All the darkness that I've been through. It was so dark. It's not a metaphor of any sort. I went into darkness, and took a little tour around every corner that I've reached. It was dark like hell and it was scary. Flashback ended, I was on my final breath. I told my mum what happened but she didn't believe me. Until I toppled over the wheelchair, and shouted one last time in pain. She looked at me and she started tearing because she finally realised that I was going to die. And so I lay there..
Ready...
To die.

And yup, I woke up in fuck tons of tears.

7 months ago

It hurts pretty bad when I watch the video again.
It's not just her.
It's everyone.
Everyone's so different.
Everyone's so...
Happy.
I felt like there wasn't anyone hiding any emotions.
It was nice while it lasted I guess.
I miss that place so much.
Lying down there, getting high.
Crying at night.
It felt so real.
I remembered I was so close to an answer.
That answer that will solve everything.
Nevertheless, it still felt really good.
I remembered just sitting at the rocks and looking out at the scenery alone.
Just smoking and looking.
It was so vast.
So vast that I felt like the amount of things in my head was actually limited.
It wasn't as endless at it seemed.
Maybe it wasn't any of the people in the trip that made things feel okay.
Maybe I just had a moment of peace with myself.
Definitely going back there some time in the future.

Shrooms

Listening to these songs just bring me back.
Back to the mats where I rolled around.
Feeling every particle in the room.
Thinking of everyone's mind.
That free access to everyone's mind.
Taking a tour into people.
Even strangers.
The weight of this world.
I'm exactly where I was that day.
Want to go back there again.
It's nice.
When you can see emotions.
Take them,
Analyze,
Release.
It's a flow.

Urgh

I'm kinda glad I'm not going to be working in a big group in the future where I need to communicate with so many people.

I feel like I would screw things up because I'm always worried about people's emotion first but don't ever realise that whatever I'm doing is adding on to people's stress.

Like how I'm worried that she would be too stressed up with the way she organises her people.

But then realising that whatever that I told her isn't going to help with anything.

And this was exactly what happened last year when someone gives me suggestion or try to "poke" into how I organise things.

Dang.

Empty

Listening to this playlist just makes me feel so empty.
I guess the end of "busy" comes this phase.
So eerily familiar.
Burning up inside.

You seem really special.
Somehow, it looks like dark clouds.
With thunderstorms approaching.
Afraid.
I don't want to meet another one just to have you leave after you know me.

Maybe it's just these songs.

NUS Boulderactive 2018

Was it a success?
I would say yes, but it wasn't as perfect as I would like it to be.
Does it matter actually?
No, because it's really all about the process, as cliche as it sounds.
I'm glad that it's finally coming to an end.
.
.
.
So it all started with gin and tonic 10 months ago.
I was sitting at the table with Ferran at his place.
I remembered being so stress for the first time for BA.
Why was I so stress?
Because I was presented with this question in front of a group of people that I will be working with. "Maybe for a start you could tell us what do you envision BA to be?"
And lots of eyes were staring at me during that meeting.
There was silence.
All those eyes waiting for an answer which I myself didn't have.
What did I really want BA to be like?
I don't know.
But I randomly came out with ideas.
"I want the whole place to be dark and with spotlight shining on the wall while the audience will be watching in the dark. Just like how TNFC is. And also, I want a top out wall just like Adidas Rockstar. Maybe can have super finals."
That very moment, I suddenly felt like I was the one who must make the call for every decision.
And it just fell on my shoulder on that day.
I had an anxiety attack on that day itself and needed someone to talk to.
And that was why I ended at Ferran's place the same night.
With gin and tonic.
And it was how things started rolling.

Months passed, and this responsibility got heavier.
Started negotiating with people.
Scape, North Face, Suntec, etc etc.
Nothing worked.
Nothing.
The clock just kept ticking, but nothing was moving.
So many things didn't work out.
Venues could not be confirmed.
Sponsors could not be confirmed.
And the stress just kept building up.
It has never stopped ever since the day I nodded my head to be the PD of BA.

Boss, this one how.
Boss, that one how.
There were a million things in my mind all the time.
And there were also million of questions from people that I had to answer.
My studies took a toll.
CAP dropped by 0.5.
But I couldn't take a break.
My parents were always annoyed by how I was always coming home late.
And they will never understand how much I want to spend time with them but I'm just so busy with BA.
Because there were just so many things to do.
I hate it so much.
I hate that I have so little time to do other things.
Like training hard, studying, catching up with friends and like just doing the things I enjoy.
And I took it all upon myself.
Because I took up this role willingly.

It wasn't easy definitely.
BA is arguably the largest local competition in Singapore.
With 764 participants last year, I knew I was that one person that is gonna dictate how things are going to be from 12 to 15 July.
The success or failure of the event lies so heavily on me.
In times of needs, there were very important people that showed up in this process.
Felicia is one of them.
She helped me so much for BA, as an official climbing partner and also as a friend.
She suggested lots of ideas for me.
To look for governmental grants such as NYC which we got a lump sum from.
And of course, coming in to support our event by providing route setters, holds, prizes etc.

This journey continued.
Things got worse when the main committee started breaking apart few months before the event.
The amount of things that needed to be settled increased exponentially.
And hence for me, it was always a struggle to delegate and trust that my committee will do it or just do it myself because I have the "I-can-do-better" mentality.
It was the worse mentality to ever have.
Distrusting my own committee.
When Phoebe told me that she wished that I could trust the committee more, it was then I realised I screwed up.
I was being selfish.
I kept thinking that I was the only person putting in so much effort for BA.
So much things on my plate.
Afraid to delegate.
It just keeps piling.

And that very one day, I couldn't take it anymore.
Because the committee was going to break into pieces.
I wiped up my tears and told the other three, "Let's meet up."
And so there we were.
The 4 of us sitting at Techno, trashing every emotional things out.
Because I felt it was unhealthy to have an invisible tension in the group.
Everyone was angry and tensed.
We were just shooting each other.
And it hurts so bad to hear the truth of how I am as a "boss" in their eyes.
I went into the darkest moments for BA.
I was literally a zombie.
I didn't want to do it anymore.
But no, things had to move.
Like what I told my committee, we should put our emotions aside.
Yet I myself failed so terribly.

Halfway during this struggle, I ran as the Captain for my team and I was elected to be the Team's male Captain.
I honestly didn't know what I was thinking about.
And also, I agreed to taking up some business for Ducklight which required so much of my time.
It was so stupid for me to make that decision.
So much argument happened during this period of time because I didn't have enough attention to give to everybody and everything.
I quarrelled with Kat, regarding captaincy things.
Cause I told the 18/19 core group that communication is key and yet I wasn't thinking enough before I reply things abruptly.
And I felt so sorry that I contradicted myself.
I quarrelled with Jon too.
Even though we didn't really quarrelled verbally or over text, I knew he was angry at how I took up the video project without planning for it.
I'm really sorry to him and I didn't dare to talk to him.
And even if I did dare to, I knew I didn't have the energy to.
Any form of me trying even harder requires so much inertia.
Which in the end I decided to just not care about things.
(Which caused things to be worse)

In the midst of all these, I had to be a captain.
I had to be the one that needed to stay mentally strong, to show no signs of fatigue.
Mock comp results.
I was last for both mock comps.
How do I debrief the team with a result like this.
I had literally no face to tell them that I am so busy that I could not climb or plan things properly.
Hilman too.
I felt like his expectation of me wasn't met.
I wasn't a good captain.
And all these negative thoughts just kept flooding me everyday.
I just kept feeling that I'm not enough.
I wasn't capable enough to handle all these.

However, things started to move with a really good momentum nearing the event.
There were many people that had helped me through all the ups and downs.
Hazlee was there listening to me when I screwed up.
Felicia was there to guide me along on my course of actions.
Runi was there when I ranted at her, she treats me as a friend first before a captain or a PD.
Asking me how I was feeling before actually asking me about what's wrong.
And also my friends like xx, daryl, cyue who were there to really just listen, nothing else but really just listening.

My main committee started working really well when I took a step back and not micromanage.
I didn't really decide to take a step back I guess.
It was actually due to circumstance.
I had to go for reservist 1 week before BA and I just didn't have time and energy to give anymore.
And then sometimes I think to myself, maybe I really should have calmed the fuck down.
I'm stressing the committee too much, I didn't give them space to work.
It was kinda late when I realised that.
But I'm glad that the main committee worked really well without my presence.

And there we have it.
NUS Boulderactive 2018.
Event days wise, I must say that without my CRS and CRJ, Joshua and Delson respectively, things wouldn't be so smooth.
I would just like to mention that they were appointed really really last minute.
But I think they got the job done really well.
I think the 3 of us worked really well together during that week of BA and I'm excited to see how the 3 of us PD, CRS, CRJ can work together to give back to the team as Captain, Vice-captain and Team Manager.
Special mentions to even more last minute roles that I appointed.
Limlim and Daryl for being the emcee.
There are just so many people to thank and if you have communicated with me one way or another during this 1 year of planning, I thank you for being part of this.

And with that, I'm excited for the days to come with more time to spend on other things that I had neglected over the past year.
Let's hope that those friendships that I have torn due to BA can be rebuilt.
Giving my best wishes that BA2019 will yet be another successful one.
:)

Fuck

Wished I had done it better

ICT 2

[11:24 PM, 7/6/2018] angweepin: Yo just wanna say something right now before I sleep tonight. Hahaha, before my head gets replaced by civilian life. After going through my ICT, and going back to OCS, I just suddenly thought about a lot of things and I just wanna like share with you about my days in service. So I was talking to my CO (which is echo wing comm) about how I thought about signing on in the past. And so, we had a very long talk in his office about why we serve.

I told him about how I wanted to signed on last time. And how I actually talked to my OC about signing on. The scene about me talking to my OC is deeply etched in my mind because it was in Lakuin camp in Brunei. So I was smoking with my OC (who's a regular) under the night sky (yes very drama but it is really how it was) and I was telling him about the thought about signing on. The things I told him was that I really loved the idea of making an impact in people
[11:24 PM, 7/6/2018] angweepin: omg i pres until enter
[11:24 PM, 7/6/2018] angweepin: nvm i continue
[11:47 PM, 7/6/2018] angweepin: The things I told him was that I really loved the idea of making an impact in people's life, or like changing them for the better. But the thing that is holding me back is the idea of patriotism and feeling uncertain that I will be patriotic. So it's kinda like if I'm not patriotic, means I won't be passionate about my job. Though the feeling of making an impact in other's life was satisfying, it isn't something that could be used as the drive to be in the SAF.

During my ICT, there was a lot of time that I man mode. And worse, I was given the appointment of 2IC, which is like your Wing 2. And it wasn't easy to lead a company of 100 over people. I felt really disappointed at myself for being man mode at times. It's as if I forgot the core values of being an officer and it hit me hard because it's not just something that was present during this ICT, but I realised it was something that I haven't been thinking of ever since I ORD. And I felt very disappointed in myself for losing that sense of pride of an officer, that character and the value that I used to have back in NSF day.

Walking through OCS today, going back to Echo wing, the place where I learnt so much not only about being an officer, but being a person, I felt nostalgic. The people who has shaped my life isn't there anymore but their spirit lives in the wingline. It was really quite a moment, and it was a feeling that was really hard to describe. When the cadets walk past me and greeted me, I felt like they were too polite lol and I felt abit disgusted to be greeted 5 times in a row when all the cadets walk past me. But then I think back again, I was really happy as a cadet because I knew that I was improving as a person, even though I had to go through so much shit. It was the friends around me who brought me through the tough times and I'm very thankful for them even though I don't keep in touch with most of them now.

Talking to you was interesting too, because you made me lived in your shoes for awhile. The shaggy times about being a cadet, doing nonsensical stuffs which you think that it's just pointless and feeling that everything is not going to be relevant in the future. It's true. It really is. But I think the day that you commissioned and look back on all the shit that you've been through, you'll be so proud of how you've emerged from a lowly recruit, and finally to be an officer. It really feels so far away, it's true. Your fellow cadet mates are going to be the one that will pull you through it. Hearing that you cry in bed makes me feel like it's really okay and normal. Because I cried a few times too in OCS because I felt like I was going through hell, and I remembered how I always think about my parents when I'm going through tough times. I felt like I needed to pull through because of my family. And that was what OCS showed me. It showed me how much my family cared about me and that I was just really very appreciative about the things and people outside of camp.

I won't hope for you that things will get better, because it is not realistic to hope that way. But what I hope is that you become a stronger person after this, and you appreciate the things outside more. It really is a different dimension when you're in service. I remembered telling my partner during social night that army is just a different dimension, it feels like you're trapped inside and people that are outside can't get to you. It feels like you're separated from the outside world and that you're forgotten. True to a certain extent, and that's why I say, you only have your peers beside you to pull you through. So, do build the relationship with the people around you. I would say that that's very important. It actually made me looked forward to going to camp. Just like how I'm still looking forward to go to my next ICT, because of the people.

Hahahaha, sorry for being so emotional, I was just thinking about a lot of things. Like how organising BA or being the captain is just so similar to being an officer. I must say that I am rusty to be a sir, but I would really love for the old NSF officer me to remind me of how to be a better person. :))))