It is coming again

It's not leaving tonight.
Maybe I'm just letting it eat deeper whenever I agree that it's there.
I can just snap and deny its existence.
But somehow, I just don't want to.
What's wrong with me.

Went to my uncle's funeral just now and feeling so much for my dad.
He felt so lost.
When I looked at my uncle, and his operation scar behind his head, my head just flashed to the moment where he will talk to me when I was a kid.
I was more hurt by my Dad's behavior throughout.
I felt like he was trying to avoid being sad.
Trying to stay strong for all the others, keeping my grandma company, making the siblings less tense by saying something funny.
I feel like hugging him, and tell him that it'll be okay in the end.
But I just can't bring myself to because I wasn't brought up in this manner.
I suddenly felt so similar to my dad as we were walking back home.
I looked at him from behind and felt like he was just holding it in, protecting everyone around him first.
Before taking care of himself.

I don't know, maybe I'm just thinking too much.
But it just make me feel bad too.
Knowing how he feels, yet not doing anything for him.
It's just like friends I guess.
There're people out there, thinking about how alone they are.
Yet I can't deal with my own monster enough to come along and grab you away.
It sucks man.

And then yet again, sometimes after taking a break and reading my blog posts, I just felt like it wasn't exactly my thoughts.
Maybe I just needed attention by sounding sympathetic.
What for?

Tired.

Honestly can't wait to run away to reservist.
I need a reset.
I'm done with this.

Murderer

There was a fat girl that liked me.
And I told her sorry that I couldn't take lazy people.
So I scolded her, saying that she could be skinnier and healthier but she's just lazy.
So she started crying and I just sat there looking at her.
We were at the balcony when she was still crying.
She started putting her right leg over the railings.
And then just leaned over from the other side trying to talk to me.
I ignored her but stayed put.
Suddenly, she fell from the position.
I looked down, her face was smashed like a fruit.
I just killed someone without knowing what I did.

What a horrendous dream.

It's a night of being Charlie

I thought it'd never come back.
But I guess it did anyway.
This familiar darkness.
It never left isn't it?
It's been well kept in your pocket.
Following you around everyday.
Just that tonight, it came out.
It let loose.
And the head gets controlled so easily.
The pains.
The pains of all the people.
All these faces that appears behind my eyelids.

I used to think that my father was an emotionless creature.
But as I grew older and when my thoughts become more concrete, I knew he wasn't.
I knew that he just keeps lots of things to himself.
I just didn't know what to expect when his emotions showed.
I never expect it to come.

I'm scared of being there for him.
Because I won't know how to handle his emotions.
And that was why I stayed below my house so long before deciding to go up.

Plus all the things that's been revolving around my head, my head went hay-wired.
Flying into everyone's head.
And seeing me from their perspective.
And how much of the pain I've caused for them.
All these faces.
It speaks a story that is well kept in corners of my head.
And today, it all came rushing out.

It hurts.
To know that I've hurt so many people.
How do I even speak of the darkness?
It's just...
Dark yet chaotic.
Yet empty.
It's like a swarm, yet it's like a lump, like an obstacle of some sort.
It's emotionless, yet living behind it is pain.
And it just transits.
A few thousand times between these adjectives in a second.
How do I speak of you?

Today is a bad day.
Irrationality is taking over me again.
I can't think before I speak anymore.
I missed all of you.
I wished I have the time to see the soften side of everyone.
Beneath's everyone's facade.
I'm not doing a good job.
Not anywhere.

I feel your pain.
I feel that you're alone.
But what else can I do?
When you open your mouth, it's just knives.
I just find it so difficult to calm you down.
I wish I can be there for you.
But I can only wish.
I wish that you'll be fine handling all these yourself.

And you too.
I wished I could still talk to you.
Though I've complained about how much I hated you right now.
But it's really all work related.
I'm just afraid it'd be permanent.
And I'm too lazy to try to save these crumbles.
Because I know this friendship didn't mean anything to you.

So much things.
What's the point of ranting.
People just can't deal with it.
Past experiences told me before.
I'm not going to try.

I'm tired.
I really am.

I'm not suitable for any of these roles ain't I.

And people who read this will be asking.
Why is he so self-defeating?
So low self-esteemed.
So lack of confidence.
Try living in my world for a day.
But then again, why would I let you do that.

Back into the past

Where finding a listening ear for a listening ear is going to be a problem again.
Yup, all of you can just rant to me about how much you hate this and that.
Just fill it up to the brim.
I'm almost not functioning anymore.
Try me.
Fucking try me.

When the stone melts

It's the first time in 24 years I've seen you cry.

Father's day

Yea what a fucking great father's day quarrelling with my dad.
I fucking hate these occasions.
Always a reminder of how fked up a son I am.
Telling me to go and find work to do during holidays.
As if I got time to work.
And there he goes saying I'm always spending time doing other useless stuffs.
If I find it useless would I even be doing it in the first place.
Why can't I just have any support to what I want to do.
Yes, both of you didn't say anything much about me buying my camera and yes I do appreciate it alot.
But why?
Why can't y'all see the efforts I'm putting into my life.
Why are these things not considered efforts to yall.
And climbing too, I never felt supported by yall.
I know I can't be the best climber but it's something I love to do.
It sucks man.
How much I wanted to go rinjani but just the thought of quarrelling with yall just turns me off completely.
Sometimes, it's not the fact that I'm not grown up.
It's yall treating me as if I'm still a boy.
And yes, because of that sometimes I get agitated and act more like it.
It's my personality.
And I hate that too.
I'm just sorry that my perspective of life is just so different from the family.
Finishing my education, going to work.
And die.
Fucking die while working.
That's not what I want from life.
Can't you all see that already?
Sigh.
I don't like these days at all.
And to think that both of your birthdays' are coming.
I am afraid.
I am so afraid of plunging down into this self blame again.
I just hate occasions like this.

Well hidden

Black dog.

I'm glad you aren't barking like a mad dog.

It's tough waking up.

100000000000000000000000000000 things in the mind every morning.

At least it's well hidden.

Tunneled vision

Wrenching chest aches.
Dark.

Hello black dog.