.

"I don't know if it's better to be close with your daughter or make sure that she has a better life than you do."

Spread attention

I'm slowly seeing the issue with me.
I have too many things to do and my attention is just spread out.
I feel like I can only be in a small part of everything.
Though my roles in both require me to give in 100%.
It's tiring and I really need to remind myself that it is not my fault for disregarding and forgetting things.
I feel like I have a lot of things to write.
But what comes out is always a small percentage of the storm in my head.
I wish I have the ability to write them down and organise them.
At least I can see them in black and white.
I wish I can have the energy to spare to update people properly.
But my attention is just so spread.
I'm sorry to all of you who I cannot give my 100% to.
And I'm sorry for not keeping everyone updated on the same page.
Just want this to end soon.
Really.

Just sorry to my BA exco, haizer, runi, my guys exco and the girls exco, my coach and my friends whom I've neglected for months.
There's just too much for me to handle.
I wish I can tell all of you everything.

These few days

Were just overwhelming.
The feeling of no one caring is just so fucking bad.
For the past few days, just settling things.
Bringing my laptop out everyday cause I need to do work.
I have so much fucking things on my to do list I don't even know how to continue.
People are expecting so much from me.
Expecting answers, expecting instructions.
I'm tired.
I just want someone to ask whether I am okay.
Not whether my fucking project is okay.
But whatever, I'll just burn all the fucking bridges in the world.
Tired of trying to hold on to friendships with this state of mind.
Nothing is working out.
Nobody sees that I'm trying.
When your head is underwater, a few inches down isn't going to matter.
That's how things are now.

Summit 2018

4 days of not really being myself was interesting.
4 days of being around stranger and like restarting my life was also kinda interesting.
I'm quite tired to blog about whatever happened over the summit but I guess I'd just paste whatever I wrote to my group and Runi and I think it's kinda sufficient hahaha.

Anyway thank you Runi for the inspiring speech about enabling others to act. I think that was one of my takeaways for this camp (I told you I'll take away 3 haha). I felt like you were just speaking to me directly. Especially the part when you talk about "Thinking that you are better than the person and deciding to do the work myself. But no one can do everything alone". Think that was very applicable to me being the PD for BA and all the stress that I've been going through before this summit. I really want to thank all the organisers for this summit and I think it was really a good getaway for me and I've managed to achieve the two objectives that you told me to set. The summit has acted as a 'booster' for me to self-organise the messy situation I've ended up with (being climbing captain and PD for BA at the same time) and the whole summit was just a very apt moment for me. So thanks to you and your office! :)


Thanks Group 5 for the past 4 days! Personally I've come to Summit to take a breather from all the responsibilities that I'm carrying with me now. Being the captain for climbing is one, being the project director for an event that I'm organising is second. It has been a super stressful past few months for me, juggling so much things in my life and I think I did not regret putting all my responsibilities away and focus on the summit (okay maybe now abit regret cause got alot of things to do hahahaha). But thanks to all of you, I've managed to keep my head off the things that has been bothering me recently.

I must say our group is a really special one. The first day when I saw all of you I knew that I'll grow to love this group because everyone is so quiet. It suits my style la hahaha cause I don't usually talk a lot also. I think over the short period of 4 days I did face anxiety (the anxiety and boredom thing) at a few moments. One is when my cigarette got wet and I thought that okay this is the end of my life. And second was during the 3km run back to Murni camp. I think if @Valerie Kwan and @Shu Zhen (Summit) didn't pull me along I really would have just walked all the way cause my shin was hurting a lil.

I think it wasn't easy for me to like step up and like take initiatives because I'm not really a very outspoken person (totally disagreeing with what yall wrote on my book) but I think this small step has made me more firm as a leader and I'd definitely be bringing this "feeling" back to my team and be more assertive towards them.

As for sports wise, I think I feel very connected to people who are so passionate about their sport. Especially our beloved @Jasmine (Summit) who cry after fracturing her hand not because it was just painful physically, but painful because we're unable to do the things we love. It was an eye-opener for me to be hearing everyone's stories and realising that I'm not just the only athlete feeling what I'm feeling, but instead these problems were common to other athlete as well.

Okay I write damn long already. I just wanna ask the facils why yall always leave us so early during the Johari's window :( I felt like the group had quite a lot of things to say (just a feeling la haha) But nevertheless, thanks to @Mathew (Summit) and @Jasmine (Summit) again for being our facils. Yall da best ❤

:)

Out of touch

Honestly, there's no joy having a head like this.
The amount of nonsense that floods everyday.
And there's no such thing as an off button.
I can't just switch out from it.
It just gradually leaves (or in some case intensifies) over time.
But when it hits, it happens in a swift.
How unfair.

I'm out of touch with you.
I forgot how to handle you so please don't come back into my life.
Please not now.
I've too much things to handle right now.
And it's causing a toll on my own mental health.
It's so scary that it is so overwhelming every time I wake up.
And the immense fear of switching on my phone to face work or new problems.
So much things to do but I just feel so unfair sometimes.
But this is what I signed up for.
No one's responsible for a good show.
Except for you.
You're the boss.
And to be honest, I'm tired of being called the boss.
I'm really tired and I lost motivation and I just want to let go of all this and disappear somewhere.
But looking at how crumbled things are now, there seemed to be no one that will be there to listen to this despair.

Tough times.

You're fucking shit

You're fucking useless
That's the only things I hear from my head 
The catastrophe that I've caused.