Maybe I'm just feeling that

If I said anything, things might change for the better.
But it is not a true action but an effort.

At least

I avoided a warzone yet again at home.

Repost

"What if your problems aren't just in the head?"

To the world we'll testify

Perceptions.

Societal perceptions.

When you feel like a problem in this society.

No one is to define how we are to be as humans.

No one teaches us to be normal.

There is too much definition of what's wrong and what's right.

But yet again, feeling alone because there are only few who see what I see.

I guess it's all back to the basis of human instinct.

We all need to feel love to survive.

We fight to earn the love.

And when we are wired different from others, who's there to give us that love.

Who's going to tell you that it's alright to be like this.

Who's there to remind you that your normal doesn't need to be everyone's normal.

If only I could open my mouth,

without having the fear of misinterpretation.

And the judgements from this world.

It's tiring.

It really is.

Depersonalization?

http://acoachcalledlife.com/my-depersonalization-story/

Good read.

Great

Now they know I have problem.
Why did I even break down in front of them.
If only I could keep it to myself.

Why do you have to fucking start every conversation

By shouting at me.
Do I deserve to get shouted every fucking time.
Can you hear my inner screams?
If not please don't do it again.
But it's not going to happen.
I'll just let them be noises.
It won't hurt that much.
If I can be numb about certain stuffs.

I'm a fucking adult.
23 years old for fuck sake.
Why do I have to report every fucking thing to you?
Why do you even have to call me every fucking 12am.
Does it make me come home faster.
You don't even listen.
How I wish I can tell you anything.
But I can't
Even if I did, you won't understand.
You won't understand the pain.
No one does.
And it's okay.

Or maybe it's not.

Been tripping

while listening to Firestone too many times.

Listening to it now,
It brought me back to the days where I smiled while staring at the skies.
Seeing how beautiful this world is.
It brought me back to the days where I cried at a nightmare that seemed all too real.
And now just thinking how ridiculous I am thinking about all these nonsensical thoughts.
I'm sorry.
I really am.
For being me.
For being here.

"It makes me stay quiet when I have something important to say."

http://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2017/03/anxiety-makes-you-look-like-a-snob/?utm_campaign=TheMighty&utm_source=TheMighty&utm_medium=TheMighty

Every single voice

Just amplifies it.
I need to hear myself.

I gave up

Let it engulf me and be myself.

"Don't go there,

even if you think you're able to control it."

Note to self

People aren't obliged to speak their emotions.

It's scary

How irrational thoughts seem rational and real.

Writing and blogging

Gives me a sense of stability.
In the way that I can read back on what had happened in reality despite the fogging of the mind.
When I do read back sometimes, I'm able to tell which are irrational and which are not.
It reminds me what had actually happened and what hadn't.
Irrational posts aren't all that dark if I can see them as a gauge of how I've been.
It's sanity in insanity.

Waking up

Every morning I wake up and the whole world rushes into me.
It's as if there's just too much things that my soul decides to retreat a little.
If I could describe, it felt as if my soul disappeared for that moment.
And in that moment, the person I see in the mirror wasn't me.
And my soul returns, when I see people and start my day.
And in the night, just anticipating the next morning.
How far would my soul drift away?

"Who teaches us to be normal when we're one of a kind"

Episode 4

Getting a little tripped up.

"Who are we, if not the stories we tell ourselves?"

Legion

So chin yue introduced this series to me.
And only just 10 mins into the first episode, I just felt like writing.

"Please keep talking, so we can all pretend our problems are just in our head"
"It means you're in here because somebody say you're not normal. Like normal is just a suit that we're all supposed to..."

"What if your problems aren't in your head?"
"What if they aren't even problems?"

Something is wrong

If one side of the conversations are always questions.

And when you wake up,

It seems like yesterday's clarity belonged to yesterday.

As the cold wind blows

Lying down here staring into the sky.
In the middle where darkness and light meets.
Where the sea touches the land.
As the cold wind blows, I could feel both side of me at the same time.
I do have a choice, but I feel stuck in between.
It's not a decision to be made though.
I'm fine being in the middle.
There's nothing nice about the darkness.
Yet darkness is relative, thus there's light.
We were all born into darkness, it is the happenings in life that gives light to us.
Yet why do we yearn something that shouldn't belong to us.
Shouldn't we be satisfied that we do have something, even the smallest of thing.
Humans have too much expectations.
But it isn't wrong to have expectations isn't it?

I do enjoy the basis of human interaction.
In the purest sense.
It reminds me that we're not alone in this world.
And that it reminds me not to be stuck in my own reality and perception of the world.
It's a different dimension all together though.
Communicating with people and communicating with myself.
It's not really something to be compared about since they're from different dimensions.
Yet the basis of interactions require us to explore each other's dimension.
To see what other people see, and to let people see what I see.
It requires a certain level of understanding and experience to see what other people see.
And to feel what other people feel.
It gets tiring at times, to do that.
Yet I always find myself reading into everybody's life.
Sometimes all at once.
And that's when I realised I stopped reading into myself.
I haven't ask myself "How am I?" for quite some time.
Taking a step back and looking at myself, I realise that I am slowly getting better.
It's a slippery well where I know I will fall back down.
Just clinging on.
But as I said, there's nothing wrong to belong with darkness.
I guess I just need to be more aware that I'm holding on to the side of the well.
It's an abyss down there.
The deeper you go down a well, the harder it is for you to realise that things are getting worse.
When it's already dark, going down a little more wouldn't make you notice.
I guess that's why it's scary when we go down.
Yet when we are down there, going up a little doesn't change much too.
I guess that's why there are better days and worse days that we can realise yet we still feel generally the same.

Through all these months, I realised that humans need attention.
It is hard to live without it.
Or maybe it's just in my dimension.
I remember tripping in Bali and my head tells me that I'm so alone.
Friends feel superficial, nobody truly wants to know what's up.
And suddenly just feeling that this world is so twisted in the sense that we don't know how to hold proper conversations anymore.
All these social media, whatsapp, telegram.
Idk how bad it has become.
Lol the irony because I'm blogging about this.
I'm losing my train of thought.
Lol that's why the topics are parts by parts.
I guess it's what my head is really thinking about all the time.
There's too much things going on in my dimension now.
I can't really write anymore.
It's time to take care of those voices.
See you soon.
Whoever that is reading this.

Negativity vs positivity

It's weird to think positively.
Through all these self-doubts.
A sea of voices telling me that I'm not worth to be cared for and that I deserve all these negativity to myself.
It's fresh in a way to try to flood myself with positivity early in the morning.
Looking at my reflection today, I thought to myself "I'm actually quite cool." (LOL)
It's something for a start I guess.
It does drown out all the other voices if I meant it hard enough.
But positivity makes me feel that I think too highly of myself.
And that I shouldn't because I belong to negativity.
And so many other voices asking me "what are you trying to do now?"
It's weird.
It's really weird to have to talk myself out of me.
It's never that simple with all the things that has been deeply rooted within me.
It does for awhile stops my negative spiral early in the morning.
With that temporary extra space in my mind which were once used for negativity, I began to think more rationally.
Just in that moment, life isn't so hard to pass.
Yet, I have this very strong belief that all this is just going to be for awhile.
But my half-filled with positivity mind now tells me that, it's okay at least you tried and at least I didn't have a noisy head this morning.
Whatever happens later in the day isn't out of my control.
I will be able to control it.
Let's see who will win today?

*it's actually more exciting to view life like that where everyday is a challenge rather than straight out mundane life which you're going to forget in just two days. Let's see what differences do I have today.

It's nice

To be a listening ear again.