How to save a life

Worryception

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm
Hahahaha.

Shall buy myself a diary tomorrow

Hmmmm

Need a rant.

But everyone seems busy.

Sighhhh

I guess

Life is pretty fine now.
Waiting for Bali next Monday can't wait hahaha.
Have been climbing pretty much these few weeks.
3-4 climbing sessions a week.
Thinking back on the bed (sofa) ridden days and crutches days, it's definitely pleasing to see myself climbing again.
It's been 7 months and 11 days since that accident and I must say the leg feels 85%-90% normal now.
The only weird feeling I get is behind my knee when I heel hook or if I step very hard.
Oh and also the bone is a little bit out of shape.
Like there's a bulge at the sides.
Shall ask more about it on my next appointment.
But it's been quite a crazy journey.
From post surgery days to limping to physio to limping to school and around school.
I'm glad I'm actually climbing again.
Feels good.
Still have some phobia though, wonder how long this phobia will take to disappear.
But anyways, I realised I haven't really met or catch up with my friends these few weeks.
Quite a dazey period but glad that I never pour it on alcohol nights to "think".
Still struggling with thoughts and I can't wait to go Bali.
Though just a short trip, I think I'll really enjoy myself hahah.
And when school starts again, it's gonna be a new lifestyle all over.
Interesting.
Hmmm.
Oh and I think I'm going to get a diary.
JUST MAYBE.
To pin down thoughts that are a little more sensitive to write here.
Oh well maybe I'll just get lazy and not write about it.
Hahaha.
Okay shall go for tuition!!!!!

You

Don't stalk me

Sometimes

I think that my brain works so much that it fires up and malfunctions.
Everything feels like a daze all of a sudden.

The world seems to run on this thing called

Attention.
Me and you we all want it.
#MORNINGTHOUGHTS

"Still," he said,

"there are a few rules I know to be true about love and marriage: If you don't respect the other person, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. If you don't know how to compromise, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. If you can't talk openly about what goes on between you, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. And if you don't have a common set of values in life, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. Your values must be alike."

Confide in familarity

And be sane

Depressant or Reality

Intoxicated with alcohol and nicotine.

A weird mix of calmness and anxiety.

Clarity or confusion.

Pain or emptiness.

The truth of lying.

Or the lying of the truth.

It's impossible.

So what are you hanging on to?

Is there even a glimpse of hope.

Just one of those nights.

Leave me alone and let these thoughts run wild into the night.

Don't even know how the word "emotion" works anymore.

Tears just flow.

Reality disappears.

I need to wake up.

Or do I need to?

Am I living in reality with intoxication?

I don't even know what's real and what's not.

Probably just the alcohol doing all this shit.

Tired from within.

Haunts

During training today, I was doing a route.
And I slipped on my foot and fell from the end tile.
During the fall, images from Qing Dao flowed into my mind without any form of control.
Every single feeling I felt back there came haunting me.
The pain, the twisted shin, the popping sound, the cold, the helplessness.
All these emotions came rushing in and I couldn't even get rid of it.
The harder I close my eyes, the clearer the image of me lying on the cold, hard rocks.
And the pain and worried looks.
And how I felt like I worried my parents.
The hospital journey.
The cracking back of the shin for casting.
The doctors, the nurses.
The lying on the trolley bed being wheeled in from the ambulance.
The phone call I had with my father back in the hospital.
All these thoughts just came rushing in when I closed my eyes.
I couldn't help but release all of them out.
So I kind of bawled in front of my teammates.
I was so scared.
It was really so traumatic.
Felt scarred.
Thought I got over the fear but I guess not.
No wonder I still cringe whenever the image project behind my eyes.
It really sucks.
The feeling of being brought back to that spot.
The cry was good I guess.
Kind of made me feel alive again.
Oh well, I guess I'm fine now.

Stranger talks

It's probably the first time some mentally sound person talked to me in public randomly.
Was reading my book on the train and this 50+ years old man asked what was I reading with an ascent not from Singapore, but he though looked like a Singaporean.
So we started talking about the book and talking about Mitch Albom.
Came to know that he gives speeches wherever churches invite him.
He stays in the US but was borned here.
Came back for his niece wedding and also because his mum isn't feeling well.
Used to be a pastor.
Gives speeches about life and death and God.
It was really quite interesting to talk to a stranger.
Though at the start I was feeling a little awkward because his voice was a little louder than the train rumbles and I could feel as if eyes all around were fixed on the two of us.
But when I looked up, everyone was just busy using their phone and so I kind of reciprocated the conversation with him.
It felt nice to talk to someone who doesn't know about your background and that whatever you said would never be judged.
Mainly because you won't meet the person again.
He kind of reinforced my point that I shouldn't worry that much about my grades because out in the world, it's the interpersonal skills that mattered.
I figured that if given more time I might have talked to him about more things.
Hahaha but nevertheless it was an interesting conversation.
His name is Patrick (for my own memory) Hahaha.

Sunburnt

Second fishing session with Cyue and Leon.
Hahahaha.
Wasn't a very good day but still fun nevertheless.
Great sun.
A little bit too great.
Sun burnt AF.
DAMN PAIN HOLY SHIT.
Yy and Zw came after.
So they kind of met Gummybear.
HAHAHA.
So yeah fished from 1+ to 7+ but only catch one pathetic looking small fish the size of a computer mouse.
Still fun LOL.
But as cyue say I think really need to find new place to fish.
Hahaha.
Took 29 from Changi Village with zw and yy.
Then took 59.
Then took 12 all the way to Joo Chiat road.
Ate nice bak kut teh and then Edmond came.
Went to Hog's bar to drink a little cider cause zw emo.
But it was definitely a great talking session with Yy, zw and Edmond.
Hahaha.
Great day great night.
Quite some times since I feel like posting about the happenings about every day life.
But ever since my memory seem to fade more often, (I think old liao) I start to find the need to blog about everyday's life again.
HAHAHA.
Maybe it's just the cider doing the job.
But seriously, I think my memory getting quite bad these days.
Hmmm.

One of those nights

That I feel clearer with thoughts.
Sometimes I feel as if I think so much that words aren't even enough to describe certain things anymore.
And that's also one of the reason why I picked up reading books maybe.
Hoping to increase my language capabilities.
As someone that has blogged for 6 years and counting, sometimes I have so much thoughts in my mind that I want to spill it all out over here.
But it feels like I am incapable of cleansing everything out from the brain.
Tonight was a lonely night I guess.
But it was definitely quality time spent alone and I honestly enjoyed it.

"What if it is today?"
If today is the day we leave this world.
"If you don't learn about dying, you won't learn about living."
And maybe you're the reason why I've learnt so much about myself after knowing you.
You made me realised how vulnerable life is.
We talked about the topics of living and death.
And it questioned about my own perception of this whole thing called "life".
There's not really a change in value though.
About the purpose of me living.
Wanting to see this world and understanding how this world works.
There's just so many things for me to explore and learn.
To seek knowledge from people.
To see how beautiful this world is.
But yet again, as I grow older, this perception seems to fade in and out on me.
My beliefs are trembled by everyday's living.
And the problem seems to come from how I live everyday recently.
I'm not cherishing the things around me.
If I die today, I would definitely regret a lot of things.
Both done and undone.
No matter what's going on in everyday's life, the clock of death is ticking.
We're all living towards death.
And what's so important about studying useless things which don't matter anymore.
And working so hard to chase something which will backfire in a few years to come.

I'm actually glad I went through the education path I took.
If not I probably won't be thinking like how I'm thinking right now.
And it's hard for me to imagine what kind of a person I'll be without my current thoughts.
We're all made up of memories and experiences.
That's why I'm glad my parents kind of pushed me to study when I still didn't have the maturity to decide for myself.
Sometimes I wonder whether I want to be happier or wiser.
Or maybe it would just be a different definition of "happier" in the two different scenarios.
There's really more to this post tonight.
But I just don't know how to explain this.
But if any of you are reading this, just ask yourself.
What is it you really want to do?
What if today is the day?

And maybe yet again I just think a little too much here and there.
Hahaha good night.

Birthday

It's always on occassions that I feel so bad about myself.
As a son to be more exact.
Always tell myself I wanna be a better son but always end up giving more problems to my parents.
I honestly want to spend more time with my family.
But I always give excuses to myself like "not in the best of mood" "busy" etc.
And the worst thing is I actually realised this but don't do a thing.
Oh well, but I really think I'm not in the best of mood these few days/ weeks.
Just so much thoughts in my mind.
Don't even know what I'm thinking about.
I'm glad I bought a book again.
Reading seems to bring out the inner emotions which sometimes blend in with the characters and stories.
I really need a way to find myself.
And sometimes it's really quite pointless to speak to people.
It's not like they can help.
Maybe yes in the physical level.
I don't even know what I'm typing sometimes.
Hahaha.
I just need a good break.
From everything.