Internal struggle

These few days have been some sort of an internal struggle.
It seems like everywhere I go, I am physically there but not spiritually.
It feels like something is missing.
And today when I woke up and crossed the road to have lunch, it triggered some thoughts when the afternoon sun blazed upon me,
The sunlight seemed to pour reality onto me.
And I realised I've been too sucked into something.
It's not just you.
But something.
I don't know how to explain that feeling but all I know is that I'm missing out something in me.
Or maybe it's just the feeling of emptiness.
But as I think harder about it, maybe it's not just emptiness.
I felt like I have lost the ability to think clearly.
And I'm letting my emotions control me.
And sipping on the ice milo with a cigarette on the other hand, I took a step back and looked at myself.
I think I'm lost.
Yet again.
Somehow feeling that physical interactions are not of any importance.
Thinking back on the darker days last year, I didn't think I was crazy.
Maybe it's part of a metamorphosis.
It's part of a process of growing up and learning more about myself.
To be honest, I am starting to get sick of this lingering lifestyle.
There's one more month before school starts.
I think I can do better than just working and spending money.
Because I know that I will regret not doing certain things when school starts to get the better of me.
And somehow, I just sort of feel that you will understand all this.
It's really quite crazy how I've only met you for a few months and I feel so much about myself.
And some times, when all these thoughts and questions surface in my head, I'd like to push it back down with a "I don't know".
Maybe this explains the lost feeling.
And yup, I think instead of pushing these thoughts back, I think I should face it bravely and give myself an answer.
Just what do I want in life?
Adulthood is really kicking in hard.
Wisdom depletes Happiness?
Or maybe it could lead to greater Happiness.
Let's see for ourselves.

Quote from Wen Shu's deep hispterical thoughts

"Every high will have a same low"

THANKS FOR THE NIGHT.

BEER MARKET NIGHT.

Listening to firestone

Makes me wanna go back to bali to get that beautiful thing.

.

Instability and vulnerability.
Selflessness or a lie I tell myself.

Some sort of

Over-reliance

I would help if I could

But I'm useless.
You must be so tired.
But I'm useless.
It's been so long since this mind had pumped with such emotions.
The night gets dark.
And the vision gets blurred.
But I believe.
Can't imagine the day when I stopped believing.
What would happen to you?
I'm afraid.

How sharp can words be?

I know I shouldn't be thinking so much.
But it ain't easy.

Climbing

Hi guys.
Just started climbing again after a long long time since I broke my shin.
Hahaha.
That adrenaline rush, the pump, the lactic is just too familiar.
Enjoyed my climb today.
Didn't expect to be climbing the whole day from 1pm until now but waaaa.
Damn feels.
It's nice to climb again.
And be helping out with BA.
And not be working hahaha.
Quite tiring to work for the past month.
But yeah earn some pocket money.
Tbh it's not easy to save up for exchange.
But I'm still going to work hard to get that money.
This BA week takes me away from work I guess.
Good and bad.
Gonna try finding new job after BA week.
Anyway, thanks xx for being my belay slave.
And I'm glad to be your belay slave too hahaha.
Two losers trying to climb lolol.
Thanksssss.

In order to live - Yeonmi Park

I came to know about the story of Yeonmi Park when I was serving NS.
My thoughts then was how someone who's around my age (1993) and so beautiful go through so much in life as compared to me.
I remembered how much injustice I felt when I was looking through videos of her.
How we are of similar age but yet the pain that she felt was something I would not understand even up till now after finishing reading her book.
It makes me think about how at any point of time people are suffering yet we are living in comfort without fear.
How things are happening somewhere else in the world while I'm typing this.
I guess I do understand certain things that she talk about.
About living everyday with a wall around your heart.
Containing all the emotions within.
And letting it out would explode into a complete destruction.
It does feel like my heart is a time bomb now.
"And I know if I start crying, I would never stop"

What makes this world of ours unique is probably because everyone has their story to tell.
I believe that we are all made up of experiences.
And it's the experiences that define who we are.
And how we interact with the world is how our experiences communicate with one another.
I really enjoyed reading this book.
It was a $30 well spent.
At first when I started reading, I was skeptical about it because I've read up on Yeonmi Park before and I'm unsure how buying this book will make me uncover things I don't know about myself or about life.
But I was surprised to find out all the hidden untold stories that she did not really go into details on TV or on the internet.
I think I'm someone who is always curious about other people's experiences.
That's one of the reason why sometimes I find having small talks pointless.
Better to keep quiet.
It's been eight seemingly long days since we talked.
And honestly I do feel a little liberated.
But somehow still find myself attached to a string.
The string that connected our experiences.
And for the past few days I've been thinking about it.
Kind of glad I'm not using alcohol as an escape this time.
But still find myself thinking and organising the puzzle within.
These puzzles seemed incompatible right now.
And I'm in an emotional state of lost and clarity.
It's a struggle.
But well, life would seem so much meaningless without these struggles in life.
And thinking back at our conversations, I felt like we have similar thoughts about life.
But yet again, I don't know how similar it is.
Because of the walls in our heart, the strings will never reach deep within.
And we'll never fully understand anyone.

Nevertheless

Thanks for the company Wei Lun.
Feels good just to have someone to talk to right now.
It's of some help.
Not fully though if you know what I mean.
But really thanks for hearing me out.

Switch is an awesome place.
:)

Tonight

I feel you.
Just tonight I seem to understand.

Disguise

Just a few swipes and tapping.
And the night seemed to change a little.

I guess

Emotions are relative.
You won't get the same happiness when you compare two different benchmarks in two different emotional states.
And you won't feel the same sadness too.
I guess that's why life is full of ups and downs.
It makes you feel.
It makes you know that you're alive.

?

我的温暖 你的冷漠 让爱起雾了
如果爱心 画在起雾 的窗是模糊
还是更清楚

Mixed feelings

I guess this marks the end of this episode.
The past 8 days of non-stop thoughts hasn't been healthy for me I guess.
And tonight's talk was the clearest of all.
Honestly, I do feel painful about all this that has happened.
And your words of clarity did magic to my mind.
It's a mixture of emotions.
I can't say that I don't feel hurt.
Cause that will be lying.
But I know this is just going to be temporary.
What's more important is the lesson that I learnt from you.
Can't really put into words what I've learnt.
But I think I definitely find myself liberating from the past few days.
The night sky never seemed brighter today.
And the smoke seemed less heavy tonight.
All of my thoughts are slowly piecing up.

I've definitely learnt a lot from this.
Even though it's just a short period of time.
6 weeks after getting your number?
Hahaha.
But yeah, I'm so glad that I've met you and that you're an experience to my life.
Though all this will just be a memory like I've mentioned, but don't everyone agree that memories are what shape who you are today.
You are interesting.
And I find it very pleasing to talk to you.
Because it seems like all our deeper conversations seem to bring out what I'm truly thinking.
It's nice to know that some of our thoughts are similar.
Like how we think that people who don't think about all these things are like ?!?!
How can people live without thinking of all these?
I'm glad I found someone who I can talk to openly about my life thoughts.
Purpose of living and stuffs like that.
Though we share very different thoughts about the purpose of living, it still feels great that I am able to open up to you about my thoughts and not feel stupid talking about it.
I'm really happy that I found you and approached you.
It was never a mistake and will never be.
As much as the past few days were so painful.
Crying because of having too much thoughts, tonight it became clear.
It became clear because all these thoughts pieced together.
I feel like I've become more matured about things about relationship.
It's never just a "try".
If it's not meant to be it will never be.
It's not just a physically bonded thing like how I feel good around you.
But it also has to be a mentally bonded.
If not it'll never work out.
I'm not blaming it on you.
Or rather I've never feel that I've blamed you for anything.
If anything, I find that I've learnt a little more about life as a whole.
It felt like my thoughts about girls and relationship over the past 6 years have been dug out by you.
I will definitely be a wiser person after this.
The past 8 days and more isn't just thinking about the past 6 weeks.
I guess it's more of thinking about the past 6 years.
I don't know how to put into words actually.
But it's just a nice feeling to know that my mind is clearer now.

I won't know how long I will take to totally straighten out my thoughts.
It's definitely going to take some time.
But don't worry because I think I'm strong enough to handle this.
However, as a friend, I still feel like I will worry about you.
And I really really really really wish that one day you'll text me and say "Hey! I got out of it."
I guess somehow I know how you feel.
I can't say I totally understand how you feel but I guess I know a little.
Because there was a period of time in life that I was just so lost and empty.
And thinking back at that period of time just scares me.
I don't know whether it's a good thing to say that "I understand how you feel" because you'll probably feel that "NOPE YOU DON'T"
Hahaha but yeah, maybe I don't and the past few days I really just wished that I understand and could share some of your burden you feel.
But thinking back on those dark days of mine back in 2015, it really felt like nothing matter any more in this world.
Friends seemed superficial.
And all I feel was nothing.
I know it's not a good thing to be telling you about this but I just felt like I might as well tell you.
I don't know about you but it helps to talk to people.
And know that I will still be a whatsapp or a call away if you ever ever need someone to talk to.
It's true when you said that it's a waste of energy but it's definitely not a waste of time knowing you or the process of knowing you.
In these weeks, you've made me realised more things about my own life than I'd ever be with endless alcohol.

I don't know how much you trust me for you to believe me that you've done something great in my life.
But I don't think I'm a good liar in the first place.
Hahaha.
I'm imagining how I'll feel when I read back on this post 5 years down the road.
It's definitely a sweet memory.
An opening experience if I were to say it.
And with that, I end this post.
Thank you so much.
:)

It's like

Iiving a dejavu