GATEWAY TO HER

-Angelyn

Just some thoughts

It seems like the longer you know someone, the more flaws he will show.
Once you know him well enough, you will know all his flaws.
And it comes to a decision of acceptance.
Whether to keep this person in your life by accepting all the flaws, or just let time do the separation.

Repetitions

This semester is coming to an end soon.
In other words finals are coming soon.
Have been leading a very repetitive life these few days or maybe even weeks.
Let's just go through my week to see for myself that this is true.

Monday wake up, go school, go for lessons, stay at yih to study until dinner time, after dinner continue studying, stay over in zw's room.

Tuesday wake up for Thai lessons early in the morning, complaining to myself why life is so tiring and boring, get over it after Thai lessons. Go for all the tutorials that I never attempt, then GEH lecture with william, or watching dota videos together, go for my 1144 lecture and either understand a little or nothing at all, feel bad but it's dinner time. After dinner, study at yih until shiok then head home. Either alone or with cel. Dota a few rounds and sleep very late.

Wednesday, wake up late but shiok, have lunch in hougang green. Decide whether to go school and study or just laze at home. But the whole day feels quite good until it's about night time because there's 8am the next day.

Thursday, contemplate about life again. Motivate myself to be optimistic about life, comforting myself that life is beautiful. CUSCADEN THURSDAYS MAYBE. Sleep late.

Friday, wake up late cause school starts at 2pm. But feels shag nevertheless, always fall asleep in 1144 lecture even though sleep so long. Think of all the shit I have to do before the next week. Feels scared and unmotivated, but fuck it, #tgif. And feels so much better.

Weekends, described as the most procrastinations ever made in the week. Mixture of dota, studying and maybe catching up with friends (but no, I need to do work) instead of meeting with friends, meet friends in dota instead. Wew. Rush my lab reports, Thai hw, mastering physics, and more random assignments here and there. And think about life. Reflect about how life is so boring. And concluding that no girls are interested in me cause of this. Lolol. But idgaf so end up more dota. Sleep late.

Monday, feels like shit. Cause Monday. Cause fucking Monday.

If you're reading this on a Monday, congrats, you just understood how I am feeling now. And probably what you are feeling too.

So this is university life.
AKA QLC

Some motivation

Wew.
Last week was such a chill week.
It was so chill that I became very lazy.
But it was a week that allowed me to realise my distractions.
YouTube, Facebook, 9gag, Dota, Clash Royale.
You name it, the list gets longer.
Mid term results were out and it wasn't up to my expectations at all.
Scoring averages and below averages.
And I just blame it on the fact that other people are too smart and I'm not up for this shit.
But to be honest, I think I am just not as efficient as compared to those high scoring people.
So moral of the story is...
I GET DISTRACTED TOO EASILY.

So, why slight motivation?
Finals are really catching up fast.
Syllabus are ending real soon.
I feel the need to catch up to my snowball first before I can get above the edge.
But at least now I know my problems and hopefully this allow me to catch up with the snowball.
After this week, I want to work my hardest.
To really see how far I can go.
If my best is really lousy after this sem's finals results are out, then for the next three years I guess I will stop bothering as much.
This sem will be a gauge.
To how much I should put in.
And how much expectations I should give myself.
Expectations always lead to disappointment.
Then I guess to be happy, I need to revert the disappointment to appreciation.
Learn to appreciate my lousy grades and learn to appreciate the knowledge I've gained.
I think that's enough.
But yet again, this does not mean conceding defeat to my major.
It's just another way of viewing this education system.

I recalled the feeling of not having to submit my lab just cause I forgot about it.
And it felt so bad.
Like wtf, I did finish it but I forgot to submit.
It feels like a total waste of time.
But the moment I realised about it, I was on my way to drink with a couple of good friends.
And it just made me think.
Results are really just this small pi in the pi chart of life.
To be happier in life, we shouldn't worry so much about the small pis.
So what if you get a cap 3.1 for the previous sem.
So what if you get a cap 5.0 for the previous sem.
It does not mean that your whole life is gonna revolve around this number.
Consider how significant "this thing you are sad with" is as compared to the past happenings over your 20+ years old life that you've live with.
Does this feel as if your troubles became smaller less significant?

If I were to put it into more visual form, imagine two pi charts.
On the left, this pi chart depicts your priorities in life.
How important it is leads to a larger percentage on the pi chart.
And on the right, this pi chart depicts how much effort you are putting into the individual components.
Most would find that the pi don't match.
At least for me I know it doesn't match.
Things like family and relationships on the left pi are of greater significance.
However, on the right pi it seems to not reflect as well.
But instead, school work comes above all.
I think its really a good time to reflect about this two pi.
And I believe that if we are able to match our true priorities with how much effort we are putting in, i.e , the two pi having the same percentage in the different priorities, we will find that life will be more satisfying don't you think so?

So to be honest, when I'm talking about motivation, I'm not just talking about how I should stop getting distracted and start doing work.
It's more of like I decided to match my priorities with my effort more.
Work is really scary as it has a side effect of blurring the left pi.
So if you're reading this, give this two pi some thoughts.
Maybe you are doing well in life as you think you aren't.
Or maybe it could be the other way round where you think you're doing fine.
Give some thoughts for your pis.

Life of pi.
Wew

Dat comment tho

我們認識了六年，我從認識你的那日起觀察你的日常，漸漸的我們變成熟悉，我們分享我們的日常，慢慢的我喜歡上了你，我們的關係變成了暗戀者與好朋友 昨日的夜裡，我向你表明了我的喜歡，你一句「我們還是當朋友吧」讓我的心盪到了谷底 ，我在當日夜晚輾轉難眠，不停地反思著我們之間的關係，我不停的 想找出那個答案，但我永遠也不會知道你心中的答案吧。 但在人生的道路上我永遠會默默的站在你的後面，直到海枯石爛。

MT

Feeling so MT.

Lost the fire for almost everything.
Wonder if it's temporal.
Past few days or maybe weeks have been a rush.
Getting all my concepts right.
And then came assignments.
Hardly have any time to breathe.
It's just tiring to be spending so much time on this.
Will it be worth it in the end?
I really ponder about this.
Spending more than half of my time studying.
Losing the most primal mode of life.
To live.
Waking up with thoughts of how much you have to do.
Every waking day is just about motivating yourself hoping it would be over soon.
But it piles and it piles hard.
Never ending bullshit.
What would my future self comment about all these troubles?
Would he let me know that he regret working hard for seemingly nothing?
Or would he be glad I have went through this phase of life.
So the problem is I don't have a future self to comment on my current state.
And sometimes it's just a line between being empty and being lost.
Isn't it a little too early that we are losing it in our twenties.
Isn't it too early for us to worry?
Sometimes it just feels that we haven't enjoyed ourselves enough to be going through this.
Or am I just having delusions about what living is about?
I'm skeptical about life ahead.
And I guess it is probably the reason why.
Because there's no concrete, sustainable goal.
Feel like a kid without directions.
But the feeling that I'm an adult to myself.
I have to make my own decisions.
Which path to take.
What should I do.
Who should I trust.
I guess growing up was never meant to be easy.
And hopefully these challenges forge a better future for myself.
I don't think I'm tired.
Just lost that motivation.
Feels aimless.
It's about time to reorganize these thoughts.
And relight that fire.
Here we go again.
All over again.

I miss a more active lifestyle

I really do.
Can't wait to get this leg back.
Seeing all the international climber's post on instagram ain't helping.
All I can do now is study.
But the results so far aren't reflecting the effort I put into studying.
It's getting really annoying.
I don't like this current life.

Sigh.
Dota.
Rust.

Just another day

It's just one of these days.
Feel so stress when I can't solve some question.
Then when I stop, I just think of life.

It's also one of these days.
When I wish that I was better with words.
Some time it's easy to think about it.
But when it comes to actual doing, it just falls.
And there's also this thing that seem to blockade the brain.
Thoughts get stuck.
Hands stop typing the text message.
Backspaces and cancellation.
Can't get past that block.
Just what do you want to say.
Is that so ridiculously difficult?
Maybe you're just afraid of how it might turn out.
But it's been really really long.
You're in this imaginary spatial part of me again.
That seem to have the capability to move me back to the past.
Where things were simpler.
Life was greener.
And through this comparing, life always seemed to be darker now.
Bring me back.
But this time,
Not through time.

She found out

All hell broke loose.
Inevitable explanation coming my way.
I don't have a good feeling about this.
Bad start to a Friday.

The red slide

I swear this is one of the most thought provoking area.
Best place to reflect about life.
Life has been fine for me.
Studying is really getting quite mundane.
It feels like a never ending process.
But learning how the universe functions due to equations, it's really quite satisfying sometimes to understand physics.
I'm quite glad that I am enjoying what I am studying honestly.
But the down side of it is that I don't think my grades will ever do justice to this passion for knowledge.
Yet and yet again, I've been wondering how important grades are to us.
But I'll always have this conclusion that the numbers don't matter.

It's really long since I've lied down here staring at the sky.
It's hypnotizing.
The sky might be different everyday, but this red slide that I'm lying on seems to be a constant.
I could feel all the confusion I felt before I entered university.
I could feel my heart broken self.
I could feel the depression I had.
Yet, I could feel the feeling of truth in myself.
I could hear all the voices in my head.
Telling me that I need to lead a free life.
I could also hear the disappointment in my parents' voices.
It's an overwhelming emotion.
I could only feel myself drifting away from reality when I lay here.
But it does bring me back to a certain extent when I leave.
It feels good.
My worries are dissolved.

And when I stand up from this red slide now, I know part of my negative thoughts will stay with this slide.
Not all but it's something.
No wonder I feel so strongly when I lie down here again.
I get reminded.