Flowers

She excitedly exclaimed, "Have you seen the flowers outside?"

I was scrolling relentlessly on my phone, tired and depleted of social energy.

I replied, uninterested.

"What flowers?"

Her excitement dulled.

"Didn't you see the new flowers?"

"Nope."

On the way to work this morning, I saw a man on his PMD zooming past me.

Sat on his lap was his daughter in her primary school uniform.

Far ahead where the school gate was, parents were dropping their kids off in their cars. 

And it struck me.

My mum was waiting the whole of yesterday to show me her new flowers.

The last hour of the day

 As much as I would love to keep the last hour of the day to myself without social media,

I felt like I've failed (not entirely terribly).

Today's last hour felt different.

So much that I felt like writing down my thoughts.

As I was waiting for the bus back home from yb's, I decided to reach into my bag and take out my book-

Days at the Morisaki's bookshop.

It was an easy to read book and written in first person.

Somehow, I only just realised I like books that are written in first person.

I felt easily connected to the protagonist.

And I guess it's less confusing for me to feel for one single character and her interactions with the rest.

Instead of having to choose who to feel for throughout the entire book.

This was a nice discovery.

I think what struck me so far was Takoko's original disinterest in books.

But she had to kill time because she can't sleep.

And she picked up a book out of random and got so invested in it and feel so much for the girl in her book.

I felt like I was literally living her moment because I wanted to kill time (the last hour of the day) and hence grabbed the book out from my bag.

And it struck me that there are so many people who write and read.

And feelings are in the writers and the readers.

The book wrote about second-hand books having passages highlighted or underlined by past readers.

It reminded me of the second-hand thrift books display in Victoria Market Melbourne.

One thing led to another, I also started feeling slow after getting reminded of myself in Melbourne.

I haven't been able to keep up with the rule I've set for myself for the past 2 months.

It isn't the best start of working towards my goal for 2025.

The walk back home tonight caught many glimpses of what I've done for the past 'last hours'.

I was either drinking and scrolling or hanging out with friends or just looking at Tiger Broker.

Honestly, I should have felt very disappointed at myself.

But I decided that I shouldn't be too harsh on myself.

Today's last hour was nice.

And it's worth remembering.

That feeling when you feel so self-aware.

Of my own thoughts.

And it's been awhile that I've felt like I'm connected to myself again.

I'm at peace with my UBER and CRM trades already.

But more so coming to terms with the fact that I'm actually back trading again.

It was both tiring and scary on Friday night.

Stressful and sad.

But I'm glad that I could take a step back tonight and tell myself that,

It is okay.

It is really okay.

And I wish for more nights like this to come.

And on a larger scale, for 2025 onwards to be years that I am increasingly aware of my own being.

For a while now

 I've been pondering about the idea of what's changing within me.

It's a change that I don't really like but I just can't wrap my head around what it was.

And just as I was doom scrolling after waking up this morning, I came upon a slice of life comedy strip.

And it talks about how the author is uncomfortable of doing nothing.

Because of how crazily busy she had been in the past.

The stark contrast of being so busy and then suddenly having nothing to do scares her.

She don't know how to spend time with herself anymore.

And she felt like death and wish to get back to work immediately so she could escape this uneasy feeling.

Escape from "being with herself".

And I think that kind of hits me.

I think my mind has just been processing so many information that I feel like I ain't processing them at all.

Everything just zooming by like a blur.

I think the last time I felt like I slowed down my thoughts was really that random morning that I was early for work and heading to Lam's house.

And just listening to music.

And just appreciating all the little details of life.

Acknowledging the stress in the morning traffic.

Noticing tree branches that were on top of bus stop shelters.

Realising the whole world is on their phones on the train.

And realising this particular stranger ain't using his phone.

Was he thinking the same as me?

And I'm very sure I want more days like that day in 2025.

And throwing the other two words on my previous blog post,

I have decided that I want to focus on 'SLOW'

And that should be sufficient enough to cover the other two words.

Slow down weeps.