Let's take it back to the start

Ground zero.

It's insane how fast I burned all my profits last 2 days. 

Tired and unmotivated.

Lonely and depressed.

This sucks.

It's quite a joke that I don't have enough to see a therapist if I ever wanted to.

Time to move on :')

Thankful for this unforgettable experience.

Me 16 hours feeling post concert blues 

Hahaha

2 hours

That's the time needed for me to harness enough energy to leave my bed and start thinking of what to do with my day.

This is without any influences from friends all chores I need to settle.

It's just the amount of time I need to literally just start functioning.

It's nice in a sense to find out this 2 hours because I have literally no deadline and responsibilities here so I guess it's accurate?

No friends to meet, just figuring out what and how the day should be (up to my own pace)

That's so important lol.

I mean when I'm back home, I'm just easily satisfied with the convenience of my computer.

Idk just thinking of some stuffs here.

(G)I-DLE I am Free-ty BKK 2023

Hi I got distracted before writing this.

Janelle texted me and asked how was it.

I'm so happy that she texted and asked that HAHAHAA.

I FEEL SO LONELY AS THE ONLY NEVERLAND IN MY GROUP OF FRIENDS.

So thankful for Janelle for being the OG nebobo.

I'm writing all of these with "I do" playing in the background and it's been 6 hours past the concert.

I just wanna write down these thoughts before they disappear when I wake up the next day with my fking morning depression.

I LOVE GIDLE SO MUCH.

I'M SO GLAD I FOUND THEM.

I'M SO HAPPY I IMPULSED BOUGHT THEIR TICKETS AND IMPULSED BOUGHT BKK TICKETS.

It's my first time travelling alone in 29 years and chasing something I really like.

It might not mean much for a lot of you but it really means a lot for me to do what I really want.

I'm so glad to see all 5 of you (minus soojin :( )

I'm writing with 4 cans of beer and some reminisce of a 1/4 

I'm feeling so much rn like I need to write this down so I can forever remember what I'm feeling on this day.

First of all when I reached Thunder Dome today, seeing all the Thai nebobos and realising that I'm kind of out of place because I don't understand and speak thai (I mean I do understand to a certain extent)

But having the language barrier but just being so happy being around people with the same love feels sooooo amazing.

There were Thai, Koreans, Chinese and some other nationalities but fuck we are all NEBOBOS.

COMPARED TO IVE CONCERT, I felt a little more in place because I'm not one of the oldest fans there!!

I saw aunties and uncles with their light stick and I'm like LFGGGG.

Never too old to stan a young kpop group.

Whenever my mum tells me I stan kpop group at such a old age, I feel abit sad.

But when I see these bunch of older crowd, I feel so belonged.

Just wanna say I'm a very very new never-ending. (If you are a neverland that came to visit my blog)

I've only knew of gidle since last year 2022 when I'm scrolling tiktok one day and seeing soyeon producing Nxde.

And then searching soyeon's fancam to realise how fucking cool she is.

Her raps and her style.

And the next tiktok I saw is Minnie and woogie's old Vlive. Where minnie was speaking Chinese. XIAO KE LI. 

That was when I realised I really loved this group.

And really sad I missed their SG tour which happened 3 months before I found them.

When they announced I am Free-ty, I got really interested when I saw they were performing at BKK.

On the day of ticket sale, I somehow woke up 3 minutes before the site opened. I thought to myself, I think that's a sign. 

And GOOOO, CAT 1 GO.

Best impulse purchase of my life for sure.

I can't imagine missing this one right here.

It's really so good.

Seeing the 5 of them in real life made me feel so much.

Like first of all they were all human.

And whatever character I derived from all the videos I've watched is true!!!

Like soyeon is soyeon, woogie is woogie, shuhua is shuhua. 

I can't put it to words about how accurate I feel their personalities off the stage.

Is like I REALLY could feel shuhua's thoughts throughout the concert.

I mean she's an INFP like me.

And it's so interesting to see a fellow INFP acting the way she is on stage.

Not saying that it's rare but just being there as an idol and not me (for example) is just SO interesting.

Best performance of the night definitely goes to Pyscho by soyeon tonight.

It was so PSYCHO that it reminded how fking dark my life was when I was just uncovering them (before 'I feel' came out)

Not saying my life isn't as dark as those times but generally just love their darker songs like 'Change', 'Dark x-files' etc. 

Kinda sad they didn't perform those master piece, but hey. 

They put up such a great performance.

The distance I was from them was SO DAMN CLOSE, like less than 30 metres.

Oh and I was called to swap seats when the concert was ending.

I was abit passed because they called me to move when my bag and I'm the trend was playing.

Like those are some of my FAV songs.

So I was really annoyed with the staff for messing up my seat.

But damn it was really a good Cat 2 view.

To end off this post, just wanna say that I have started to openly show things that I really like on my IG.

As much as sometimes it still feels a lil embarrassing to stan Kpop, knowing that the community is so huge makes it easier to pass.

Tonight is a really great night.

My bias has filtered to soyeon or shuhua. (I mean from loving all 5 of then to 2 is a great difference.

Soyeon because her performance and stage presence always owns. 

I am tired already, but before I close my eyes and ttfo, 

Thank you (G)I-DLE and wish you girls success to end the world tour.

BKK Day 2

Got hit fking hard yesterday night.

But dayum, it's everywhere here.

Hard to not find lolol. 

Just sitting at a cafe now after climbing at stonegoat.

Just soaking in all of my thoughts.

Trading, climbing, family, friends, career.

That's literally the things that is a huge part of me.

Climbing alone at stonegoat felt strange.

In a way I like climbing alone because I really get to focus on my climbs.

No comparison and just really enjoying the sport and the community.

But too, felt a little lonely because no one is climbing together.

So just had this small little thought about climbing and how it has been a part of my life.

As bad as the day gets, some sweat do help.

Too, woke up in the morning feeling depressed af.

And lonely, don't know what to do.

And just surprising because I always thought I don't get my morning depression overseas, but I realise maybe it's cause I usually wake up with interacting with my friends.

And hence it goes away pretty fast.

Or rather, distracted.

So quite an interesting find.

Trading is so tough.

I've just lost the entire 3k in 9 trading sessions. Lol.

And 2 or 3 times were mistake plays for not taking profit.

Owell... 

Feels like back to square one again.

Hate it.

Tomorrow is concert.

I'm so excited!!! 

Hope the next few days will be goooodo

DPDR

Today's DPDR strong and long.

It's already 4 hours since I woke up.

So many posts today

But I guess this is probably the truest post since I'm mellowing down now.

It was a nice day despite feeling so much.

Just finished watching Elemental and just wanted to write down my feelings after watching it.

Ember's relationship with her Dad...

It just felt exactly like the one with my Dad.

I guess when I was younger, I think Dad was pretty proud of me.

I think out of the 3 of us, I'm the one that gave him the least trouble growing up.

And I just feel like I was his pride.

Being able to study in local U, and earning big bucks in the future.

And I guess things turned for the worse when he knew what I wanted to do.

Film.

In the last few years ever since I have decided on this path, I knew I would be breaking his heart.

I remembered very clearly crying out in Hampi, thinking that I'm the worst son ever.

And that I am the most unfilial one.

I think in Elementals, I could feel it so strongly when Ember said to her Dad and apologised for being a bad daughter.

That line crashed me because that's exactly how I've been feeling with my Dad.

And with this trading thing that's been ongoing in my life, I have no courage to tell him that it's been rough for me but I'm just trying very hard in life.

I'm sure he knows I go out to drink at night when I say I'm going opposite.

And I'm sure he knows I'm trying very hard.

But it just hurts knowing that I'm not progressing in life.

And I don't know if there will be a day where he will be proud of me.

In Elementals, Ember's Dad told her that his dream was never for her to take over the shop.

It felt like an analogy for me that my Dad's dream wasn't for me to make big bucks or whatsoever.

I think he will be proud of me, if I am proud of myself one day.

It felt really good to cry it out in the theatre.

And luckily this time round there wasn't annoying kids like when I was watching spider verse.

That short 2 hour felt like a self-therapy session.

Or rather the whole of today felt like a soul searching day.

And I'm sure I will feel it even more in the few days that I'm gonna be in Bangkok alone.

I am kinda excited and scared of being with me at the same time.

4 more days.

Let's find some self love please.

And self care.

See you then.

Recently on my darker days,

 I feel like no single soul in this universe can ever understand me anymore.

Feels like I've drifted too far from the norm.

Some days just feel like I'm insane y'know?

And lonely.

Sadge. 

As if there's no point to even talk to anyone anymore.

(Don't worry guys, I'm just trippin a little now.)

But not entirely untrue yeah...

I'll read back again for sure.

It's kinda raining now at ecp.

But just sitting here and just harvesting the energy from this world.

Both living and non-living.

Feels pretty incredible.

The world is indeed very very beautiful.

Life seems

Beautiful today.

Walking around ecp and seeing smiles everywhere and happy sights...

Makes me feel that I'm so silly to be feeling what I'm feeling.

A thought came to me

'Why would I leave this beautiful world behind'

Life seems pretty boring

Without some drinks.

So here I am drinking alone.

And just soaking in the universe.

Just pondering about life in totality.

About the things I love.

And the things I cherish.

And how I have been.

It's a quiet night.

And it's....

Kinda nice to spend some time listening to me.

Dream

I dreamt that I went overseas with my family.

And we were so...

Happy?

I don't feel judged at all.

And I could fully express my love for my parents.

It was...

Nice.

Today's first ciggie

 Hit fking strong

Disconnected beings

Always wonder about how disconnected we are now with technology.

Especially when I'm travelling on public transport.

We all share the same physical space but at the same time not in the same space.

It's kinda sad in a way.

Finally travelling alone

After 29 years.

I am excited to just spend some true me time.

Away from all those that I'm close to.

And just y'know being in a space that I can truly be myself.

Without all the distractions from everyone I love.

^ ^ ^

This fucking line just caused me to break down so hard.

I hate myself for pushing people away.

Like I don't physically show it but I know deep inside I do.

And it fucking sucks.

To hate the people you love the most.

How ironic.

I don't even know how to explain this.

1 July 2023.

A random night that just caught me so off guard.

From nothing.

Can't wait for BKK.