2022

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Can't believe I woke up at 4.30pm after eating 7 pratas yesterday.

But yup, it's the last day of 2022 and I feel like I have so much to say about this year.

Maybe let's just break it down into different aspects.

Trading - 

I have lost closed to 25k to trading (actually might be more I stopped calculating) This was the single most depressing thing that has caused me many depressed mornings and lack of motivation to work for the last quarter of 2022. Not sure if I will keep on trying because it's seriously very very tiring to put in so much time and yet seeing money flowing away from me like that. I mean money is a physical aspect and money has never been a 'thing' that affect me a lot. But losing this kind of amount in such a short period of time, it's as if I didn't worked at all this year. Not many people know but yeah, it really was quite tough trying to pick myself up day after day of losing. But... not giving up. I've set a hard break for myself for the next year. If I ever bust this account again, I will take a 3 months break and restart again. 

What do I wish to achieve out of this? Well, I don't really know but I just hope it can complement my freelance life and earn a little more for the future that I envision. Got really close to Kiat, my 2nd bro these last few months too because of this. I remembered the day I fked up he wrote me a super super long message and I teared up immediately. Because I've never seen him talking to me like that for the past 28 years so I was really grateful. We're on a mission to get there some day, and I hope our hardwork will pay off in the future. 

Career - 

DP DP DP. Wah I can't believe it. I've DP a couple of times this year. I am starting to see a lot of growth in career wise and I am happy to my progress this year. Honestly it is the 'just whack' kind of thing but it somehow always turn out pretty okay. My proudest project this year will be JDWL and I'm super grateful for Dharf for the opportunity. Sheryl commented on my IG post about how it's a dream come true and yes!!! I had always dreamed about shooting a MV and I still can't believe it happened!! I am immensely humbled by the experience and all the support I've received through the project. Honestly it was quite a short time from pre to post (~ 1 month) but I still feel so much thinking that I've finally shot a MV! Wwewew. Super excited for more to come. Looking at my not-so-private private account on IG, I realised most of the things I screenshot are MVs and drama films. When I looked through all of them I realised those are the things I really wish to shoot in the future. 

Other than the MV, I'm glad to be a part of JSL team. Was such a heartwarming day at Ben Yeo's place on the 29th with all the crews, bosses and celebrities. It's such a healthy working environment and I'm so thankful to Charlene for getting me in since the first episode of 刷一刷. It's been almost 2 years and my heart is full knowing so many people from the industry through this programme. I'm also immensely grateful (and stress) to DP for my very first drama. It's honestly the first time I shot a narrative. As much as it isn't the genre I wish to shoot, I realised the flow of things on set should be similar to all other narrative. And man, I really can't imagine I was given such a role with no experience. We are almost 1 / 3 done with the series and I wish to give in my all for the rest of the series. This is really a huge stepping stone for me since my wish is to shoot a feature by 35 years old (6 more years!) Hope 2023 will be filled with more of such opportunities, am already very happy with this one opportunity. 

Other than the JSL team, glad to have met people from all walks of life too. Insurance agents, property agents, event managers, brand ambassadors, influencers and many more. 

Some days when I go to work in the morning via public transport, wearing my bucket hat and carrying my equipment, I look at people going to work in suit and office wear and looking so lifeless, I feel so proud of myself going to set. Like I'm almost always excited to go on set, even after 3 years. And for that, I feel that the work I do is quite cool. HAHAHAHA

To a more fun-filled 2023 and more GROWTH!

Friends and family - 

Don't even know how to start with this. Hahaha. There are just so many people coming and going for this year and I don't know what to say... But just happy to have my constants. Maybe first is 'Settle bill' group with Asim, Dtank, Tham, Ahchir and Glenna that constantly reminds me that I have climbing as a hobby HAHAHA. Looked through the 31 close friends on my IG and I must say I haven't been catching up with all of them. 

Wah it's damn weird that I don't know what to write for this segment. I just stopped typing as fast as I did just now. Maybe it's a sign that I've been too distracted with the two things above that I hardly think about this anymore. Not sure if it's a good thing or bad thing but I just wanna say a huge THANK YOU to all those that have been with me and who have stuck by me through the good and bad this year. A huge shout-out to Allson who I've become very close to this year. It's funny how life twisted and turned and things became like that lol.

And CK's group of friends who became comfort friends that I can chill and just talk cock with (who I am meeting for the 2023 new year party in 2 hours time haha)

Wah it's really damn difficult to write this portion. Not sure if it's because I've stopped thinking and reading so much into friends or because I've been hurt that my mind shut damn out hahaha.

Family also nothing much to write about fdasfsd

(I honestly think there's a huge underlying issue with this, but I guess not for today)

Hobbies -

KPOP CLIMBING SKATING

These are the 3 things that have flooded my entire social media. Whenever I open my IG explore page, I see Chae Young, Chae Won, Hae Won, Sullyoon, SKATE CLIPS. Okay maybe climbing not as much now. Hahaha But I've been spending less time climbing ever since I kinda 'fell out' with M. Okay but this is not the paragraph to write about that hahaha. Kpop has been idk, it's like people watch netflix drama and I just watch kpop content everyday. Maybe that's the only thing I can think of to compare what Kpop means to me. People idolise about their drama celebrities, I idolise about these kpop stars. HAhahaha. I guess the most important thing that happened is TWICE has recontracted, NMIXX debuted and Jinni left. Been into IVE, Le Serrafim and New Jeans lately. And maybe just as of yesterday, (G)I-DLE because I saw Soyeon's recording on Tiktok wtf fking shuai. I think Soyeon is the only Kpop idol that I classify under 'hot' / 'shuai'. I guess because I've never been attracted to 'hot' kpop girls HAHAHA so it's quite new. More KPOP MVs to watch and get inspired next year!!! ITZY CONCERT IN 4 WEEKS TIME omg my heart. 

Skating has been..... a burst of energy that I thought I would be super addicted to. But damn when you are not good at something it's not fun HAHAHA. That's how I would describe what skating is. But hopefully can ollie soon la then really game change haha. 

Okay I don't know what to write anymore. Got really distracted with GIDLE's MV hahaha. 

Happy New Year to all of you. 

I love you guys <3

破碎的完整

《她和她的她》

9 episodes, what a journey of self-exploration the series had brought me to.

It spoke deep into what I've been through, and I guess what you have been through (or still going through) too.

All those pain back then resurfaced.

And in the mixture of reality and pockets of painful pasts, I see things in both perspectives.

One from 2017, and one from 2022.

I broke down in episode 8 when Hao Ming found out about Chen Tsi's blog.

That immediately brought me back to the moment of me finding out about your blog.

The whole series speaks about caregiving, suicide, dissociation, depression, grief, trauma.

I did not expect it to be such a 'mental health' orientated series.

Was honestly taken aback but I thoroughly enjoyed how this film had explained so much about the things I used to think was unexplainable in words.

As much as I have stepped out of the haunting abyss that I thought I would never get out of, the remnants of those feelings linger.

Especially moments when I wake up nowadays.

But it is definitely better than what I was going through years ago.

I know that you know that I'm speaking about you.

And I guess maybe you will see this post some day.

Being really emotional now after binge-watching the show and it made me want to say certain things to you.

I guess I don't really know how to put it into words properly since so many years have passed since all that had happened.

I guess things are a lot better now that I am not romantically attracted to you any more.

But as I was smoking just now, I still think about how you were the only one on this Earth that could connect to me on that level.

And I still always think back about that sentence.

"People come and leave, but I can't just leave myself"

Or something along this line.

It's really a very strong statement.

And that feeling of burdensome was very well conveyed in the show.

And I could feel the pain in the male character at episode 9.

Because he really wants to help, but he is just as helpless as her.

I just want to say sorry to you too (again) for creating so much pain for both of us during that period of time.

It was really a scary period for me.

And I always felt very unfair for you because it wasn't just a "period" for you.

I know you told me that things have gotten better for you.

And I really hope it is so.

I know that I don't reach out as often to you as I did back then but I hope you know that you will always have a place in my heart.

And I'm just a technology away as usual.

We might not connect as deeply as we did in the past, but still glad that we once shared those experiences of pain 'together'.

I don't think anyone will ever understand how painful it was for the both of us.

It's been a long time since I dug up these feelings.

But it feels a little liberating to do so.

And as usual, I got reminded of why I chose this career path in the first place.

It's a medium that speaks what words can't.

The power of expression through film.

I will continue working hard and honing my skills.

And one day hopefully, to shoot something that can express to the world how I see things.

Good night.

A night to think about 2022

Or maybe even the past year.

Just watched "I fell in love like a Flower Bouquet".

How do I feel?

I just have this analogy of this whole film in short.

Two spheres that have no colours bumped into each other.

They become colourful after that and stuck with each other.

As time went on, they became less colourful, and eventually back to being colourless.

And when they split, their colours regain, maybe more colourful than it used to be.

Quite a typical romance film but I think what was beautiful / applicable to me was the creative side of both the male and female characters.

The normalcy of the society drowned his creative sense.

Struggling with societal norms, that "Life is responsibility."

Which dug really deep into me.

He lost that creative side of him for money.

In that process of seeking that responsibility, he lost the character he used to be.

And that broke the relationship.

And I guess this part hit me pretty hard too.

Back then, I was struggling hard with a career that was so ambiguous.

I remembered many times when our relationships were strained, I was so tired.

I remembered we were quarrelling about money.

Exactly how it was depicted in the film.

I remembered dissing you that you were bad with money management, just spending everything that you've earned.

But I guess all I was shouting out was my fear of not being able to provide for us.

Looking back, I wouldn't say we broke up as peacefully as I would have wanted.

We didn't meet again to talk things out.

But I'm grateful.

That I once had someone loving me and believing in what I am doing.

And more importantly, sharing the same passion of storytelling.

That aside, the society is indeed pretty scary.

In the sense it just creeps on to you like a parasite without you noticing how drained you are from chasing materialistic things.

And when the parasite temporarily leaves, you could suddenly breathe and you see that you have actually lost all that time.

It's as if you were awaken from your dream.

There's this gap in time where it's just all blur.

And that lost time...

We can never get it back.

And I guess what I need was a timely alarm, to remind myself that life isn't all that colourless.

Maybe it could buzz me every week, every month or every year.

As long as it buzzes.

Or maybe...

Wait for the other sphere to bump.

#rawwritingnoedits #mightnotmakesensewhenireadagainbutthisthebest

Everything

Happened for some reason.

Just caught up with Wilfred to talk a little about finances.

Turned out to be a super nostalgic talk and really glad he finally came out of work to have a short catch up.

Super appreciative.

My closest cousins' Dad just passed away few days ago.

Today was cremation day and I was there with them.

Felt that life was so fragile, yet at the funeral, seeing my cousin's baby son, it makes me think that it's just a cycle.

Felt so so much pain for their family.

I think especially the cousin that I grew up playing with.

He's the only son in the family and I could feel his pain when he was putting up a strong front throughout the entire funeral and just breaking down completely during the cremation process.

He's just one year younger than me.

And the whole thing just happened so suddenly.

No one expected it.

Seeing so many people sending my Uncle off, I knew he was a good man.

I could clearly remember when I was in primary school he treated me like his son's closest cousin.

Same age gaps between me and my brothers and the same for my cousin and his sisters.

And I guess that's why I felt so much for him..

It was really quite a heavy day.

Rest in peace gor peh, your humour and cheerful character will be forever etched in my memory.

Thank you for everything you have done for your family.