I think there's such a strong link between the current self and the past self.
Being able to feel a certain feeling that you used to feel, it's like an experience altogether.
It brings back the whole feeling.
I don't know what I'm trying to say...
But last night I felt like I was brought back.
The feeling was so strong.
The pain I'd felt for so many people.
Hope you're all doing well wherever you are..
Nicole asked me the other day. What did I do to get out of depression?
The first thought that came to my mind was...
Did I really have depression? Or was I just really really sad?
To be honest, I can't tell.
But I know that my mornings are so much better now.
Just a year back, I remember everytime I open up my eyes in the morning and realise that my existence is filled with so much bizarre pain that I can't explain, I just want it to stop so bad.
I cry in the bathroom for no fucking reasons.
It was tiring, it was dark, it was a place where I wouldn't want anyone to be in.
The harder I shut my eyes, the louder the voices.
But I kinda made it I guess?
Things are brightening up, thoughts are definitely more rational now.
No more emotional weepin.
But I feel that it is like a dormant volcano.
I think only the deepest crack in the earth will send me into a crazy eruption.
But for now I'm good.
I'm afloat.
I'm breathing.
I'm living.
For now.
Thursday, June 27, 2019
Her
This movie just fucked up with my brain so badly. It's about a guy who fell in love with an AI. And the ethical question kicks in. What is love? What do you mean by real emotions? It's so beautifully written, it questions our very own existence, our own consciousness. It just inspires me to want to learn to write a good story. It was raw human emotions. Our desires. I can't even describe how I'm feeling now it's really damn fucked up. It just made me into this mess right now and that I just want to type whatever that's going on in my mind. But of course it comes with the fact that I don't know whether it's wise for me to spill my thoughts out there for the world to see.
The movie made me think of you. How I've hurt you. How I've left you sitting at the playground alone and how I just disappeared from your life once and for all. I'm sorry. That's the only thing I could say. I remember you being angry at me for not being able to say what's on my mind. And that I could only write it down. You made me feel like I have a problem. And maybe indeed I have. And that was the cause of my actions. And how the thought of you irked me. But I just wanna say that I am sorry, if you ever read this. We are really too different. Please don't say that I didn't try. It hurts me when people can't see the effort that I put in to keep my life in check. I just hope that you're doing better, and that someone who cares sweeps you up. And let all these be just a memory. It wasn't that bad of a memory afterall I guess. Growing apart...
There's so much changes in my life right now that I realised that I'm still learning. On days like this, I want to open up my entire history of my life and share it with you once more. Maybe it's just a selfish thought of mine... But I feel like maybe you need to understand what's in my mind the whole time. And maybe you'll understand how I can't find the words to say to you when you're hurt deep down inside. I'm so sorry bb that I don't know how to make you feel better. All I can do is just calm myself and remind myself that I need to take care of myself first. It's a shield. I hope you see the importance of this shield to me. I'm afraid that I might just plunge back into the darkness without this shield. And know that I'm doing this for you. I want to protect you. I hope you see things from my view.
Dad. I am so sorry that we've ended up like how we are now. It hurts me so much to think that whatever I'm doing now is never going to make you proud. I know that you just want me to figure out what I want to do. Or rather, you want me to be able to have a sustainable life. I see it. I see where you're coming from. It scares me too honestly, when I think of what the future may hold. But I want you to know that I'm trying really hard too. I want to be able to live a life where I can say that money is not the most important thing in life. And that it's all the interactions, the relationships, and the love for each other that makes life life. It sucks that we're having this cold war now. It's been almost 2 months. I hope we can talk soon, without anyone flaring up at each other.
That was it. I'm glad to have this space for me to write without judgement. Where no one can tell me what's right or wrong. The movie brought me back to my old self. I could feel it. It was nice while it lasted...
The movie made me think of you. How I've hurt you. How I've left you sitting at the playground alone and how I just disappeared from your life once and for all. I'm sorry. That's the only thing I could say. I remember you being angry at me for not being able to say what's on my mind. And that I could only write it down. You made me feel like I have a problem. And maybe indeed I have. And that was the cause of my actions. And how the thought of you irked me. But I just wanna say that I am sorry, if you ever read this. We are really too different. Please don't say that I didn't try. It hurts me when people can't see the effort that I put in to keep my life in check. I just hope that you're doing better, and that someone who cares sweeps you up. And let all these be just a memory. It wasn't that bad of a memory afterall I guess. Growing apart...
There's so much changes in my life right now that I realised that I'm still learning. On days like this, I want to open up my entire history of my life and share it with you once more. Maybe it's just a selfish thought of mine... But I feel like maybe you need to understand what's in my mind the whole time. And maybe you'll understand how I can't find the words to say to you when you're hurt deep down inside. I'm so sorry bb that I don't know how to make you feel better. All I can do is just calm myself and remind myself that I need to take care of myself first. It's a shield. I hope you see the importance of this shield to me. I'm afraid that I might just plunge back into the darkness without this shield. And know that I'm doing this for you. I want to protect you. I hope you see things from my view.
Dad. I am so sorry that we've ended up like how we are now. It hurts me so much to think that whatever I'm doing now is never going to make you proud. I know that you just want me to figure out what I want to do. Or rather, you want me to be able to have a sustainable life. I see it. I see where you're coming from. It scares me too honestly, when I think of what the future may hold. But I want you to know that I'm trying really hard too. I want to be able to live a life where I can say that money is not the most important thing in life. And that it's all the interactions, the relationships, and the love for each other that makes life life. It sucks that we're having this cold war now. It's been almost 2 months. I hope we can talk soon, without anyone flaring up at each other.
That was it. I'm glad to have this space for me to write without judgement. Where no one can tell me what's right or wrong. The movie brought me back to my old self. I could feel it. It was nice while it lasted...
Tuesday, June 11, 2019
Hahaha
Damn it.
There's actually an actual film so similar to what I wrote for my TS mod.
Hahaha I love it. :')
You've got mail. (1998)
Book superstore magnate, Joe Fox and independent book shop owner, Kathleen Kelly fall in love in the anonymity of the Internet – both blissfully unaware that he’s putting her out of business.
Jazz.Livin
Quiet Darren is a victim of the notorious chief bully, Kester. Darren goes online to an anti-bullying forum to seek help and made an anonymous friend who faces similar bullying issues; Darren finds out the only friend he made is Kester, the chief bully.
The parting words that Ken gave the class was to never stop writing. Watching films night after night made me want to write something again. And maybe, just maybe in the future I'm able to produce something that I want to tell the world. I guess that's a dream. And I don't think it's unattainable.
Meanwhile, getting hired by this client isn't really the worst thing I guess. I mean it was really hard to get by the fact that I suddenly have so many things on my plate. Like it was a 0 to 100 moment from summer holidays. Like I didn't have time to let things sink in that I am going to start work. It was like a BAM, take this, you're going to start work now. But then again, I'm still excited nevertheless. This is probably my second legit income that I'm getting from making videos.
I don't know what to call myself yet. But as of now, I guess I'm a freelance content creator. And I guess an aspiring film maker too.
Good night.
There's actually an actual film so similar to what I wrote for my TS mod.
Hahaha I love it. :')
You've got mail. (1998)
Book superstore magnate, Joe Fox and independent book shop owner, Kathleen Kelly fall in love in the anonymity of the Internet – both blissfully unaware that he’s putting her out of business.
Jazz.Livin
Quiet Darren is a victim of the notorious chief bully, Kester. Darren goes online to an anti-bullying forum to seek help and made an anonymous friend who faces similar bullying issues; Darren finds out the only friend he made is Kester, the chief bully.
The parting words that Ken gave the class was to never stop writing. Watching films night after night made me want to write something again. And maybe, just maybe in the future I'm able to produce something that I want to tell the world. I guess that's a dream. And I don't think it's unattainable.
Meanwhile, getting hired by this client isn't really the worst thing I guess. I mean it was really hard to get by the fact that I suddenly have so many things on my plate. Like it was a 0 to 100 moment from summer holidays. Like I didn't have time to let things sink in that I am going to start work. It was like a BAM, take this, you're going to start work now. But then again, I'm still excited nevertheless. This is probably my second legit income that I'm getting from making videos.
I don't know what to call myself yet. But as of now, I guess I'm a freelance content creator. And I guess an aspiring film maker too.
Good night.
Monday, June 10, 2019
It's been a long while
It's yet another white space.
But all I wanted to say...
It could be because it's 4am right now.
And it could be really well because I just watched Silver Linings Playbook.
But I've realised that my life has changed quite a bit.
Ever since I met this girl.
And I want to thank her so much for the past few months.
The days aren't as dark as the past anymore.
The head isn't as noisy as before.
Things are looking good.
Life is starting to roll.
And I am excited for this journey.
I'm tearing as I write all of this.
Thank you for being in my life b.
But all I wanted to say...
It could be because it's 4am right now.
And it could be really well because I just watched Silver Linings Playbook.
But I've realised that my life has changed quite a bit.
Ever since I met this girl.
And I want to thank her so much for the past few months.
The days aren't as dark as the past anymore.
The head isn't as noisy as before.
Things are looking good.
Life is starting to roll.
And I am excited for this journey.
I'm tearing as I write all of this.
Thank you for being in my life b.
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