3 days

I think it has come to the point where I need to write my thoughts down.
When I woke up I felt so many things, it was too overwhelming.
I guess I need an outlet to pour out whatever that I'm thinking of right now.
It's 3 days left to the end of uni life.
The past few days have been really a blur.
Spending more time playing ML rather than studying.
I don't know how to feel about this.
But I know I am so excited of what to come.
There's so many things I want to do after uni ends (life starts).
I feel like I've been trapped in this education system for too long.
I've been someone who has been dissing Singapore's education system ever since secondary school.
Like what was the whole point of going through this.
What application does this formula that I've learnt have in the real world?
None.
But having finishing uni soon, or rather finishing the whole package of the education standards in Singapore, I must say that it isn't really the content that mattered to me (at least to me cause I'm not doing anything related to my degree).
But instead, it was the whole community of young and aspiring people.
It was the friends I made, the seniors I looked up to, the people and the interactions that made education.
I learnt life skills.
Leadership, handling of stress, empathising with people, working with a group of people, personal relations, the joy of seeing something work after putting in hard work and especially doing something you don't like to do, basically going out of comfort zone.

3 more days.
2 more paper.
9 am on 29 April and 1pm on 30 April.
I'll be officially free from this.

Honestly, my train of thought is broken already haha.
But before I leave, I just wanted to remind myself about the darkness.
Because when I woke up today, the presence of it surrounds me.
I know for sure that it had never leave me.
But just that I've been keeping it under control.
Or rather life has been really kind to me to be able to keep it under control.
"You better cherish her", said shermz.
I better do.
And I hope that this darkness doesn't lead me to irrational speech.
It's scary how sometimes I say the things I say and then looking back and question myself "Did I really say all that? Did I really mean that?"

Then again, the frequency of me blogging kinda also means that I've been well.
I know that I have not been feeling so stuck in the abyss anymore.
But it's just a tingling feeling everyday I guess.
And it doesn't break the wall that I've built up.
Things are good I guess.
And I hope it'll get better.

Or rather, let's make it better.
Since I feel like I have the authority over my life decisions now.

One step at a time.
3 more days.
I am scared.
But I am so looking forward to it.

Ahh

Nice white space.
.
The stress from school has been getting to me. And I'm so glad for this platform once again to write down everything. Been really panicky for submissions and datelines. I can't wait for school to end man.
Maybe listing down the amount of things to do helps.

1. Fyp VIVA - I have to meet two of my assessors for VIVA. One of them has confirmed to be tomorrow at 5pm. The other one has yet to reply and the dateline is tomorrow hahahaha. This is kinda stressful because it takes up a high percentage of my FYP.

2. Fyp presentation - 25 mins presentation on Wednesday. My slides are only like 1/3 done. And I haven't written anything for my script. Need to submit slides by tomorrow too. This takes a high percentage too.

3. PC4228 interview - lol this is just one annoying thing that my prof and I can't find a date and time to meet up. Basically talking about a report that I submitted. Kinda like another viva.

4. Short doc submission - Submission is on Friday 12pm. I forsee locking myself in the editing suite the whole of Wed and Thursday to rush this. The entire angle of the documentary has not been confirmed. The content is all over the place now. Colour correction, colour grading, audio, VO have not been done yet. Right and subtitles and captions. And I can't start until I finish my FYP stuffs on Wednesday. That leaves me less than 30 hours on rushing the rest of the edits. Definitely tough.

And I think the toughest part of this last 5 days in school is the combination of all of this together. It always sends me into a hyper panic mode in the morning. When I open my eyes, the only thing I think of is the amount of work I need to do. And then there's ML. Serving as an anti stress. But it kind of counteracts when ML makes me feel even more panicky and makes me criticise on my coping mechanism.

It is the last 5 days in school definitely, but it's really gonna be super tough. Writing these down makes me panic too. But nevertheless, school is about to end. Finally. I felt like I've been wasting alot of my time in uni. But I'm thankful for all the friends that I've made. And also settled my other FYP. :')

I guess things have been going really well and smooth for me in life. And my mental isn't as bad as it used to be? Because the frequency of me posting on my blog has significantly decreased. Not saying that the black dog is entirely gone, but thankful that I've been able to keep it at bay to accomplish task I need to. I'm also really thankful to my bao. She has added colours into my dull dark life.

5 more days. Can't wait. And also very excited for the next phase of life to begin. As much as it scares me too. But I think I rather have the capability to choose when I want to work, when I want to rest and when I want to play. I think it is super important for me because I don't think I can ever do well in life with a fixed schedule. I also feel like time pass faster when there's a fixed schedule. It's about time I slow down my pace of life and train of thought. To live a life I said I wanted to. 10 years ago. And it really is beginning soon.