Xmas party

I forgot how tiring it is to be in a social gathering.
So many people popped up my mind.
I was surprised tho when you came and talk to me about your camera.
And when you said that I know that your face will become red after you drink.
When I woke up today, I read back on some of our conversations last year, and realised that you were really there for me throughout the shitty periods.
And I can't say how grateful I am to you to have kept me company then.
I guess things are different now, we're in different places now but I hope that you remember our friendship.
I remembered us quarreling and in the end you told me that you're on the same page as me when I said "no matter what happened, I still want to be your friend."
That was probably the sentence that always pops out when I think about you, to think that maybe our friendship can still be salvaged.
Maybe it really is possible.
But I don't know.
But thanks nevertheless for talking to me last night.
Even if it is just small talks.

On the other hand, things have been pretty messy in the team.
Like what Daryl said, people who don't know won't think that it is messy.
I guess that's right too.
But damn, tomorrow is new year eve and I want to jio the team out to countdown together.
But I feel like I've lost the ability to do so.
It's as if the team has been separated.
It's too much to just even think about it.
I really hoped everyone enjoyed themselves last night, and the team has been bonded in some ways.
When the guys train at fitbloc next year, I really am scared that things are going to be worse.

So what do you want me to say when you ask me "How's captaincy?"

And right as I'm typing this my father has been going non stop about my career path.
Fuck this shit man.
It's fucking annoying how he keeps downplaying my hardwork.
I hate this shit man.
I hate how he never ever supported me in this.
Or rather how none of my family members ever supported me in this journey.
How do I call this my home when I don't feel safe at all.
And when I always run away from home, they get angry.
Then wtf do yall want me to do.
I'm fucking stuck in a push and pull situation.
I don't think I can call this my home when none of them ever fucking support me.
Be it in climbing or my career.
My brothers laugh at me all the time for making filming / photography my career and always try to explain to me about this society.
I don't want to know about the society that all of you are perceiving as.
I always feel more superior in my thoughts at home, not because I have the best education background, but because I always think too much about life.
Sigh.
Trying to organise my thoughts properly ever since I woke up.

Just really ranting here because there's so much on my mind.

I think I'm done.

One more year has passed but nothing much has changed at home too.
I just want to work so hard to prove my family wrong.
Money was never the most important thing to me, yes.
But because of my bitchy attitude about home, I'm not living up to my own expectation either.
Stop it brain.

Fuck.

I don't like my mind right now

Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary.

You are nice though.
I feel safe with you around.

3 more days to 2019.

What else more can happen?

Thoughts

Resounding

"You always only take care of other people, can you take care of yourself? "
If there's anything I need to remember from last night.
Thank you.

Floating

Watching.
Blank.
White.

Painful hunger.

I don't have to write anymore.


I should sleep.

I mean "I".

I sense you

Depersonalization.

I know it's you messing with my head right now.

But it feels too fucking familiar.

As the finger type, but I'm not there.

Watching myself from behind.

It isn't me in this body.

Don't let these words lie.

It's cold isn't it?

Why is it happening right now?

It's been awhile yea?

The rubik's cube is shrinking.

I'm shivering ain't I?
But is it me who is shivering.

I can't explain any of this that is happening right now.

I'm letting these fingers land on the keys.

I should catch some rest.

Merry Christmas.

World.

2018

I wonder if it's too early for this.

But I think I wouldn't have a proper time to sit down like this the next few days to write properly.

It's been a pretty interesting year.

So much has happened this year but I'd say it's generally better than 2017.

2017 was a year of pain and growing.

I think I've grew so damn a lot in 2017.

Especially dissociating rationality and emotions.

And 2018, I'm sure I've been a lot better dealing it.

But dealing with rationality, I feel like I've been a rather selfish person.

I know that there are people that I've lost and it's cause of me.

The 2017 me wouldn't let that happen.

The 2017 me would hold everything so dearly to me, even in the expense of my own mental health.

Good and bad I guess.

I've learnt to turn numb to a lot of people's emotions.

I've learnt to take care of myself.

Because I know that a small head of mind wouldn't be able to analyze every single emotion / action that I've brushed through in my experience.

So 2018, where do I start?

Let's categorise my thoughts so that it's easier for my head to compartmentalise and write more relevantly.

First off - friends.

Friends come and go.

I've learnt it the hard way.

And I don't blame myself or my friend for the friendships that I've lost.

I know that it's just part and parcel.

I remember Jon telling me before, those friends who care, will come back to you.

No matter how long we haven't talk, if the mutual emotional support is deemed as important, we'll somehow find our way back to each other.

There's no need for 'commitment'.

A very simple text but I remember it very clearly.

Because I remember that night, I was sitting below my house, going crazy because my Uncle passed away.

And I remembered hearing my Dad sobbed.

Something I would never expect as he always seemed like the emotionally strongest in the family to me.

I didn't even dare to go back home even though my family needed me.

But oh well.

Look how easily my mind digress hahaha.

Let's go back to friends.

I've lost a few friends.

Some was easier to let go, but some, it takes time but eventually, I still did.

I made new friends too.

Some are pretty important to me.

They keep my everyday life sane.

Prevents me from going haywire since these new friends are mentally stable people.

I think these mentally stable people are important to me, to keep me in check.

To make sure that I don't straggle from life.

I think friends are still the first priority in my life.

So thanks to each and everyone of you who cared for me while I am down.

To all those who saw me cry this year, thanks for being there.

And thanks to all my constants, you know who you are hahaha, I don't even need to mention you guys.

Family

I've been a really unfilial son.

That's the first thought in my mind.

Just remembered why I cried so fucking hard on the last day in Hampi 2017.

Because I suddenly thought of my parents.

And the amount of things I've done for the family.

I've did nothing basically.

The only thing I gave to my family is stress and worry.

Not just that, I made them angry for every drunk nights.

I felt like I've been giving less to my family as compared to last year.

I'm always out till at least 12, treating the house like a hotel like what y'all always said.

I can't control my anger whenever y'all talk bad about me.

I remember so clearly that day when I woke up after a drunk night, my mum and dad was quarrelling in dialect about me.

As if I wasn't awake, and as if I couldn't understand dialect.

It hurts me so much that they are blaming each other because of me.

They were shouting at each other.

I was so angry at myself.

When I woke up, I stomped right through the living room, took my shirt, bathe and left the house.

And I shouted at them.

I always shout at them.

I'm a fucked up son.

Suddenly thinking about the conversation with Jason while we were smoking behind the USC wall.

We were talking about our families.

That was a great night man.

And I liked how things became better for both of us after that night.

I got asked to edit NCSC's video and he got accepted for exchange.

Yeah.

So my brother got married this year too.

I'm glad he's settled in well in his new house.

And always really glad whenever he comes home.

Because he's the one that always keep the conversations going at home.

I'm more similar to my eldest brother because we always just do our own things while at home.

So I'm really glad that my second brother always keeps the family together.

Always making everyone laugh, making everyone stop doing what they're doing and talk together.

The day of the TeamNUS climbing trials, my brother told me that my sis in law miscarried.

My niece / nephew.

I was so excited to be an uncle.

And I'm sure my parents were so excited to become grandparents.

It was a really really bad day.

I had to wipe my tears away while I was in the smoking corner.

Took a deep breath and walk out to hold trials.

I didn't know how I did it.

It was so painful.

I'm glad that my family has moved on from then.

But thinking back it was really so dark.

But yeah, to summarise, I was always not present at home.

And I know that I hated myself for that.

I hated myself more for the fact that I hardly try.

I hardly try to spend more time at home.

I don't know how to.

Sigh.

Climbing

Ever since 2017, climbing has been so fucking important to me.

It has gotten so deeply attached to me that I would think that climbing is an accurate depiction of who I am and how I am as a person.

I remembered the period after BA, I was the captain yet I'm climbing so shit.

I had no confidence to lead the team.

I was last in mock comp.

For 2 mock comps to be exact.

I can't catch up with the team.

I'm climbing terribly.

I was so damn low.

The amount of motivation I had in me was almost zero.

But I knew I couldn't settle for that.

Ever since I took up the role as this AY's captain, I had to be a role model.

It's actually really tough some times to be a role model.

Especially when I'm in a very low period.

I didn't want to affect the team's morale cause of me.

There were so many times I had to brush off all the things happening in my mind just to appear strong.

To appear motivated so that the team can move in the right direction.

Bad days were probably the hardest to get by.

To be honest, there were times where I can't wait for training to end.

I realised captaincy wasn't as easy as I thought it was.

Given the fact that I feel so much for people too.

I can feel every single person's thoughts.

And that wasn't easy for me.

I wonder how the team thinks about me as a captain.

Am I present enough, does the team regret voting for me as the captain, am I worthy of this position?

It's easy for people who aren't so emotional to think bad about people who are more emotional.

"Get your shit together, take care of your own emotions, don't let your personal thoughts affect things"

So sometimes I feel like I am trying too hard to hide emotions.

So that people could respect me as a captain.

But man, sometimes it's really tiring.

Nevertheless, it's been a good sem being the captain.

I would think that the team has grown closer.

That's all I wanted right?
When I stood up.

I want this to go on for the next sem.

I want my juniors to enjoy what I have enjoyed when I was in the team.

A team that I can call my family.

Captaincy aside, I climbed so hard for CDO's national.

Jon asked me on one of the days at Macs after training.

"What's your goal for CDO"

Honestly I didn't think of it yet and so I answered him, top 20%.

He told me that his goal was to podium.

At that point in time, I was so motivated by his confidence.

And that was when I decided to properly train for CDO.

So I climbed everyday.

I climbed through my finals week.

I forgo my academics thoroughly.

I injured my left shoulder really bad and my A2 pulley.

But I climbed it through.

I climbed every fucking day despite the pain on my shoulder and fingers.

I climbed every day despite having finals the next day and when I'm not prepared at all for my paper.

At the end of it all, I felt that it was worth it.

I cried on the day I injured my shoulders because I thought that it was all over.

My distraction for everything in my life was gone.

But I'm glad I pushed through the pain.

And at the end of it, I emerged 2nd in CDO's national.

It was really a memorable moment for me.

It's still so surreal when I think about it.

Finally I could bring a trophy home to Singapore, back home.

But honestly my parents didn't really care much hahaha.

Or rather they didn't say much but I really hope they are proud of me (even though they really never show any signs of being proud of me ha ha ha)

But yeah, I've learnt yet again the strength of the mental.

Just like in Transend 2017.

I was a winner.

I won the fight in my head once again.

And I'm sure it'll happen one day again.

Just keep climbing.

That was what Chris Sharma said in legends only.

Just keep climbing.

School

Erm, I've got nothing much to say about academic.

HAHAHA.

Just got a nicknamed that I'm a pseudo NUS student.

So that pretty much sums up everything.

FYP is pretty scary though cause I did nothing hehehe.

But aiya fk last sem.

Film / Photography / Ducklight

It still scares me very much.

It's my last sem in NUS and I have decided to pursue this.

The day when I decided was when I bought my A7iii.

Like what Chin Yue said, I would know at the end of the day whether it will work or not.

He said that if I gave it everything, in 2-6 months I'll able to know whether it's a career for me.

And if not, I can do other things.

But then again, I don't think I can do other things hahaha.

So let's see what happens next year man.

Literally the next phase of life, I'm very excited and very worried as well.

I don't have much to write about this because I wrote it all in my close friends insta story.

I mean the people who read this are mostly in my close friend list I guess hahaha.

But yeah, very very excited for school to end.

I feel like I can finally plan out my life properly.

And like walk my own path.

Finally straying away from 'social norms'

Let's see where this will bring me to.

:)

I realised I've been a lot more organised with my thoughts.

Even though it's still messy sometimes, it's been a lot better.

Look at how I'm writing my thoughts down in categories.

Instead of different names of friends in the previous years.

Hahahaha.

8 more days to the end of this year.

Let's finish this storybook perfectly.

:)

Last team trip

I don't know why but this time round I'm lazy to write out all the feelings I have for this team trip.
I shall let my mind internalize everything while I look through all the videos I've taken throughout the trip.
I think it should be good enough.
To summarise, it was a nice trip.
A very good getaway.
But a thought provoking one.

Coping mechanisms

This post has been really delayed cause of finals.
I wanted to rant about how bad this climbing everyday thing is.
Like how I am so fucking stubborn when it comes to coping with injuries.
I know honestly, it was really an excuse for me to not study.
And I really just wanna pass time.
Okay but training for Philippines national was real too.
13 days in a row, broke the streak cause I realised I had alot to study for today's paper if not I'm gonna get screwed.
And at the end of it, it was pretty worth I guess cause I managed to do the first question properly. No smoking.
And yup spent the whole day after paper nuaing at meeting room.
Smoke Tetris macs with Claire then Tetris again do one tutorial question then aiya just damn toxic day.
Then once come back from dinner, climb.
Really no studying at all.
So at the back of my head when I was stressing so much about my finals, I realised I have a really bad coping mechanism.
When stress builds up, I like to avoid it.
And honestly, I can't reiterate the point about how accurate my climbing mind is with my everyday mind.
It just brings out my inner emotions onto the wall.
Yesterday went to Jason house for some xdm.
Felt the muscle relax really well.
And today on the school wall, after a good 1 day break, the climbing was so good.
I felt stronger than before I injured both my knee and shoulders (minus the moves that will cause it to hurt)
So I'm really really happy that the 13 days has helped me.
It has changed my body to a climbing body.
I was just experimenting with myself.
Like how the body evolves into a climber if I just keep doing the same things over and over again.
Telling the body the exact things I'm going through.
And my body is amazing, it reacts in a way that makes me flow as if I've done all of this move a million times.
I'm ready for Philippines nationals.
Let's do this man.
2 more climbing days and I shall rest well.
Very very excited for end of finals :)
Because baguio!!!!!
Really hope the team bonds after this team trip.
Last team trip best team trip.