Noisy head

Waking up this morning with thought infused head.
Was mainly thinking about how this selfish behavior has led me to losing friends.
And the thing is I don't care.
But somehow I know deep inside, there's so many people that's on my mind.
But I've chose to disregard it and just fuck things up.
I don't know.
It suddenly feel purposeless to have certain friends.
To do certain things.
To have goals.
These thoughts have somehow just re-emerged from the bottom of the pits.
Coming out to haunt me again.
Whenever I stare at something in focus, it blurs out and it seems like I'm staring at myself from afar instead, in the most literal sense.
There's so many people that I want to make things up for.
People that has helped me through the darkness but I just feel so selfish and I feel that things are different.
Lost that comfort with people.
I guess it's good in a way.
To be more dependent on myself.
But idk, the things I've been doing on a day to day basis has been making things worse.
It feels like I cannot function properly.
So much work to catch up on, but I'm just doing random stuffs like playing DFFOO, dota or whatever shit.
I don't even dare to say I hate this lifestyle.
Because secretly, it's nice comfort to be lazing my life away.
But at the end of it I know this lazing will cause some pain in the end.
This post is just a random rant about whatever that's coming through the cracks.
Climbing gets scary sometimes.
I feel that I have too much pressure on myself now.
I think there are good days which I don't recognise it as much as last time.
And the bad days just amplify and make my head worse.
I know I need to stand up and start walking.
But sitting down here just has so much inertia.
It's scary that the longer you sit, the higher the inertia.
And all you can do is just stare at the world revolve while you stay status quo.