Generation gap

I guess I broke the news to my parents.
That I'm going to do photography after graduating.
And I also predicted their reaction.
It's no easy to be honest, but I'm super excited about my journey.
I don't think they'll ever give me the support until I can safely say that ducklight's going to be a stable job.
My father was angry at me.
And I guessed I was a little sorry as well.
To be using his money for uni but in the end turn to photography as a job.
I totally understand his anger and I find it reasonable.
But what I found unreasonable was the fact that they think that don't see it as a profession.
And that they degrade photographers to be a profession for people who don't study.
They also see university as a way to get a degree to be earning more money.
I mean that's why they kept pushing us for education.
Because they didn't have the chance to.
However, education didn't work that way.
It doesn't mean that more education = more money.
At least I don't see it that way.
I think education encompasses knowledge.
Coming to uni, I've learnt a lot.
Not just academically, but holistically.
I think I've learnt a lot from people's experiences and stories.
I've exposed myself more.
I found my place in TeamNUS which helped me grow into the climbing community more significantly.
And I do enjoy learning certain academic stuffs such as CERTAIN modules in physics and also stuffs like learning Thai and like taking my philo mod for example.
I agree that learning is a continuous process and it shouldn't just stop when we leave 'education'.
I'm eager to learn and continuing to learn.
Learn about photography, videography, marketing, PR skills and yeah basically learning to live.
I've never wanted to work a 8-5 job.
I promised myself when I was younger that I wouldn't want to see myself hating life because of work.
I want to be able to self-improve and have the ability to increase my "money-making" just by working harder.
I personally feel like working in a 8-5 limits my self-exploring skill.
Maybe it's not true but I've decided that I'm not going to find out.
And I possibly wouldn't.
1 more year to graduation.
1 more year to start making my own money.
1 more year to start stepping foot into this society.
1 more year to remind myself to be careful not to be drawn into this societal needs and drown myself.
I will prove my worth to my parents.
And I will definitely want to repay them.
In so many ways they have helped me in this 25 years.
Hope all these years of making them worry and angry will be worth it when I can finally show them this son of theirs has finally break through in his thinking somehow.

Excited.
Just so excited about my next phase of life.
Not looking forward to the setbacks but yea.
It will work out somehow I believe.

For ducklight.

Honestly

I feel so much pain from yesterday.
My comp form was just shit.
I can't even think.
My mind was not focus at all.
Think results didn't really hit me very hard cause I would say 1T2 3Z is not bad.
Got me to a rank of 27
But seriously, the self-hate is fucking real.
Hate how my mind just couldn't be present.
And how it gets so distracted so easily.
Overgripping tiles, shaking.
Fucking weak mental.

Noisy head

Waking up this morning with thought infused head.
Was mainly thinking about how this selfish behavior has led me to losing friends.
And the thing is I don't care.
But somehow I know deep inside, there's so many people that's on my mind.
But I've chose to disregard it and just fuck things up.
I don't know.
It suddenly feel purposeless to have certain friends.
To do certain things.
To have goals.
These thoughts have somehow just re-emerged from the bottom of the pits.
Coming out to haunt me again.
Whenever I stare at something in focus, it blurs out and it seems like I'm staring at myself from afar instead, in the most literal sense.
There's so many people that I want to make things up for.
People that has helped me through the darkness but I just feel so selfish and I feel that things are different.
Lost that comfort with people.
I guess it's good in a way.
To be more dependent on myself.
But idk, the things I've been doing on a day to day basis has been making things worse.
It feels like I cannot function properly.
So much work to catch up on, but I'm just doing random stuffs like playing DFFOO, dota or whatever shit.
I don't even dare to say I hate this lifestyle.
Because secretly, it's nice comfort to be lazing my life away.
But at the end of it I know this lazing will cause some pain in the end.
This post is just a random rant about whatever that's coming through the cracks.
Climbing gets scary sometimes.
I feel that I have too much pressure on myself now.
I think there are good days which I don't recognise it as much as last time.
And the bad days just amplify and make my head worse.
I know I need to stand up and start walking.
But sitting down here just has so much inertia.
It's scary that the longer you sit, the higher the inertia.
And all you can do is just stare at the world revolve while you stay status quo.

Journey

Comfort - don't have to push too hard to feel uncomfortable
Inferior - under the facade lies the lack of confidence
Balance - literally and balance between trying hard and enjoying it
Externalism - observing as a third person
Laziness - it's okay to be lazy and not do anything. Rest when you need to.

Blog song

My blog song brings me back to the time where I am so with myself.
The times when I really think about who I really am.
And how every thoughts sprung out from me as the centre.
In the way that my life revolves around me.
And not trying to catch up with the speed it is revolving.

This semester has been a mess.
Academic wise I feel like I'm so off for every modules.
Climbing wise I feel like I'm deproving because of trying to 'feel' my body and my movement.
Because somehow I get too overly affected by my own performance.
I should disregard my own performance as of now and really just understand my body.
And tell myself that it is okay to be way back even at the bottom.
As long as I know how my body works.
I want to be able to feel every twitch of muscle when I do certain movements.
I want to be able to listen to my body, feel my lungs breathe, feel the contact my finger tips are having with the handholds, I want to be able to isolate the muscle group needed to do the particular move.
Climbing has been sticking with me for a long long time.
It's been 7 years of climbing.
For the first time I'm thinking so much about how capable the human body is.
And the human mind of course.
I feel like the body and mind is interconnected.
And I feel this connection (or disconnectedness) especially in climbing.
Some days the connection is too much that my all the thoughts in my mind spill over to my body when I'm climbing.
And that just means I'm going to be climbing like shit.
And some days, I climb well and it has a very positive impact to my mind for the rest of the day.
And then there are days where I can't feel any connection.
Like the mind and body are just two different separate entities.
And this doesn't mean I'm climbing badly, some times when that happens, I can climb pretty well too.
I guess I just want to work towards positive mind and body connection.
Hmm, big words.
There were three training sessions so far when I feel my body so much that it scared me in a way.
It was such an amazing feeling to be able to feel everything.
Past two training sessions was good but it falls under the (mind and body not connected) kind of good.
I was just riding on the psyche.
And I know that if my peers aren't there I probably won't climb as well.
It's different from the sessions when I don't send all the routes but I'm so satisfied with myself because I know my body and I can control it so well.

Hahaha, wanted to blog generally about how I am now.
But just end up talking about climbing.
I'll just say the four things that are worrying me as of now are as follow (in no particular order)
1. BA
2. Academics
3. Climbing
4. Friendship and relationship (due to the concentration of the above 3)

Today in particular was a really weird day.
Woke up really tired and felt a lil sick.
Stupid sinus stayed with me from 10am to 3pm.
And from morning till then just felt so disconnected.
Shoulder PT woke me up I guess.
And I lost my cigg pack :')
But today's training was pretty good!
Hope this carries on
For the next few days, shall rush my epistemology essay.
Wonder how I'm going to argue about my points when I don't even know I'm a sceptic or anti-sceptic
Hahaha.