Messy situations

I feel so aimless these few weeks.
Climbing wise, BA wise, and basically just my academics.
It feels so... I don't even how to explain.
Kinda like an analogy of how I'm feeling about myself.
Climbing shitty makes me feel incapable of myself.
And not having any plans for BA when time is running so close.
Nothing is moving.
No fucking momentum at all.
And I'm so worried about this whole thing.
And you know like climbing lousily makes things worse because somehow BA's just at the back of my mind when I climb.
I hate it that I lose the focus for climbing.
Been climbing really bad.
I don't even know how to say how bad it is?
Like I can't even finish red at BW on Saturday training.
So many times in training when I just feel like breaking down.
But I just hold it in because it'll just feel crazy to other people.
Not able to finish a route only, so dramatic.
Sometimes it's not about the route at all.
It's when the route suddenly holds all your life decision and your worries and pain with it.
And you can't deal with it.
And the mind just keeps telling you that it's the same with your life.
You suck.
You can't do anything right.

Fuck off.