Self

Times like this always make me think back about how things used to be.
And realise that things seem irreversible.
But I mean, irreversible is quite a strong word.
Look at where we are now, when in the past I kept saying that certain things are irreversible.
It still turned out alright even though the dynamics might have changed.

Maybe past experiences has taught me that I shouldn't worry about what's going to happen.
Because it's tiring for myself to always ask the same questions every single day.
Though I still think about you everyday, I think that I've been squeezing in times to think for myself.
Maybe the knock back wasn't as hard as in the past when I've put every ounce of support on someone.
And when that support falls, and when I turned my body and looked back, I realised there was no shadow.
And that was the moment when it took so long for me to trace back to where I was.
And for things to start over again.
For the shadow to follow every foot step I took.

I guess I'm just trying to say that it wouldn't hurt as bad.
But I seriously don't know.
I'm unsure of a lot of things right now that I don't even know who I can turn to to talk about this.
Tonight's talk with Sherine was nice in a way.
It felt like the exact talk I had with Jon a few days back.
That never ending rambling knowing that talking to them doesn't affect any of the situation I'm in.

Though I dare say that I have myself to turn back on this time round, it still worries me to be honest.
I don't want to break all the self that I've built up.
I've come so far out from the darkness.
And I'm just afraid of falling backwards.

I know there's a certain truth of myself back in the darkness.
But as of now, I know this truth is too difficult to handle.
I surrender.
A facade is going to pull me up.
Fake it till you make it.