Self

Times like this always make me think back about how things used to be.
And realise that things seem irreversible.
But I mean, irreversible is quite a strong word.
Look at where we are now, when in the past I kept saying that certain things are irreversible.
It still turned out alright even though the dynamics might have changed.

Maybe past experiences has taught me that I shouldn't worry about what's going to happen.
Because it's tiring for myself to always ask the same questions every single day.
Though I still think about you everyday, I think that I've been squeezing in times to think for myself.
Maybe the knock back wasn't as hard as in the past when I've put every ounce of support on someone.
And when that support falls, and when I turned my body and looked back, I realised there was no shadow.
And that was the moment when it took so long for me to trace back to where I was.
And for things to start over again.
For the shadow to follow every foot step I took.

I guess I'm just trying to say that it wouldn't hurt as bad.
But I seriously don't know.
I'm unsure of a lot of things right now that I don't even know who I can turn to to talk about this.
Tonight's talk with Sherine was nice in a way.
It felt like the exact talk I had with Jon a few days back.
That never ending rambling knowing that talking to them doesn't affect any of the situation I'm in.

Though I dare say that I have myself to turn back on this time round, it still worries me to be honest.
I don't want to break all the self that I've built up.
I've come so far out from the darkness.
And I'm just afraid of falling backwards.

I know there's a certain truth of myself back in the darkness.
But as of now, I know this truth is too difficult to handle.
I surrender.
A facade is going to pull me up.
Fake it till you make it.

Will everyone

leave me if I'm so selfish and caught up with myself?

Accurate again

I was just worried it was about me.
And it really was.

Great

Come back home to more pain.
Hope loon is fine...

Zone them all out

Zone all the guesses out.
Zone all the emotions out.
Focus.
Focus on the wall.
Find the peace.
Find the grace.
And in my heart,
I'll be a winner.

As it dies down

feels like whatever that I've actually written on this blog and posted wasn't what I actually felt.

But actually what I wanted people to know what I felt.

I guess there's a difference.

But as it dies down, the answer still seems to be lurking some where.

But wew, I've never felt so happy in a while.

It felt so good.

It felt good to be insane.

It felt like it was perfectly normal to be insane.

I can be who I want to.

I don't have to care about what other people think.

It's been awhile since I felt so free.

And so comfortable being with myself.

There's just too much that can't be explained in words.

Whatever that I felt was amazing.

And I just wish to end it off like this now.

Help la

Hi Wee Pin!

Thanks for rushing the new proposal. Understand that the ideas and plans are not cast in stone,

but can I have a ballpark figure on your event’s KPIs and outcomes as well?

As for your question on people-with-disabilities (PWD), maybe you want to let me know which profiles of PWDs u looking at?

Just sent my proposal yesterday and today came with more questions.

I legit don't know anything about this.

Send help.

Cb la

What's with today man seriously.
Met xx for lunch and then had to spill the whole mala on the floor.
Waste money + make xx late for work.
Then try take bus to GU then cross overhead bridge then use phone until miss bus.
Then alternative bus came and sat in the bus for 10-15 mins.
To realise I'm going in the wrong direction.
Then cross road again to take another bus.
Then busy using phone again then bus run away.
Gonna be so late sia zzzz
Murphy's law issit.
Just pray I don't get injured at GU.

Eerie familiarities

Somehow feel like I'm going back to the 2015 me.
Especially now the period of time where school haven't started.
But the difference is I don't have enough money this time round.
But if we follow the trend, it should end by school start.

Gravical is round the corner.
I somehow have a feeling I'll be deeply affected by the results.
And maybe that's why I feel like I should train harder these few days.
But honestly, there's not much time.
Well then I guess I just gotta try my best.
I think more importantly train my mental first.
There's so much things I need to switch off right now.
I did it once.
I want to do it again.

Past 3 days

Had been quite a crazy journey for me.
As a BA PD and as ducklight photography.
First two days met up with North Face and Scape for title sponsor and venue sponsor.
Honestly it is one of the most official meeting I've ever done with people.
Something like a PR kind of meeting.
North Face was more serious and I can't seem to sell them my idea to make them want to sponsor more.
But for Scape on the other hand, they're willing to listen to us and I'm glad that it's not money that they're looking at.
Because that's the only thing we don't have.
I'm willing to come up with crazy ideas with my team to give it to Scape to let them see whether it meets their vision and goals etc.
It's so much more flexible than working with TNF.
Not saying that they're being mean for not sponsoring that much but more of it's hard for me to come up with marketing plans for them to make them want to sponsor us.
But anyway, another big thing was today, I had a meeting with WAX company.
They deal with waxing product.
And today's talk made me feel like I was a professional photographer.
When they asked me about quotations and whether I had models on my side to provide them with.
It was then I realised that there was so many thing I can venture to as a photographer.
E.g, finding free lance models which I can pay them if I have enough money next time.
Mutual partnerships with wedding companies etc.
There's so much flexibility to be explored.
And there's so much ideas that I can play around with.
And I love it when everything is under my control.
And it kinda makes me think of my future career.
I really want to be able to plan my own schedule and stuffs like that.
Travel whenever I want, work (while enjoying work) whenever I want.
And yknow, just so much flexibility in life and having time to ponder about things I really want to do.
These 3 days just kinda make me consider whether I really want to go to NIE and be a government teacher.
Teaching in public school etc.
But idk man.
It's about time I start thinking about my future.
Hmmm.
Interesting.
I wonder what Jon thinks about ducklight as a future career together.

Time

is what I need for things to be okay.
Just keep it this way.
Nothing will get worse.
I hope.
And when the time is right, I'll know it.

"It’s not sth u control"

But if I could.
I don't think I would want us to be like this now.
I'm just seeing this friendship go downhill.
And I feel the pain from the future.
Just stop already.

All of your demons

Right beside me.

2017

Been quite a crazy ride for me this year.
Though I'm not typing soberly but I think this can be as close as what I'm feeling truly.
I'm thankful for all the important people who has been a part of my life.
Xx, allson, zw, daryl, yy, phoebe, cyue, wenshu, melanie, jason, Jon, Janice chua.
I think all of you had played an important part of my 2017 here and there.
And I thank all of you for being in this journey with me.
For keeping me company when I feel alone.
For talking to me about things.
For listening to me etc.
I think this year has been a very intensive people and relation year for me.
Also climbing has become more important for me.
As a getaway from my dark thoughts.
It's the year I became open man.
Where I know that I've the ability to overcome these thoughts before they overcome my rationality.
It's been quite a tough year for me but I'm glad I made it out.
I've learnt a lot about people's emotions and my own emotions.
And idk, it's been haunting me everyday that I've become numb to it.
Yet comfortable in a way.
Like a very familiar feeling.
Academic wise, lol.
Just shit.
Oh and ducklight photography.
I want to thank Jon for being in this together with me.
Starting out something without knowing where it'll go.
But I think I'm serious about doing it as a business.
Quite enjoy taking photos as of now.
And making video etc.

Special thanks to cyue for being there for everything.
Love you bae.
Idk what else to write anymore.
And I have no goals for 2018.
Maybe just hope that BA will be fine.
And people's relation will be nice like this.
Or even better.

Happy New year all!! :)