Going mad

Don't know what I'm trying to do.

Seriously, don't talk when you're like this.

It's not something people want to hear.

Period.

There's this place

Called Chaos.
Once you've been there, you won't ever be pure again.
As much as you can run far away from it, it'd be deeply etched.

Maybe simplicity is all I need

Saw two groups of kids on the train towards school.
One group was white and from an international school.
The other was local.
They just started talking to each other on the train about favourite basketball players etc.
And it's surprising how they have common topics to even talk about.
What made me smile was when the small white boy tried to steal the basketball from the other group.
And he said "Let's play basketball together or something. And we can have some cake afterwards. It'd be dope! I can borrow money from my mother to buy the cake!"



Maybe it is about the simplicity of life.

Finals

Not sure what I doing.
I know the stress will kick in soon.

Why does it seem like

the people I care the most always get angry at me for fuck reason.
Fuck all of you.

Worrying for someone

You know for me, sometimes I feel like a day isn't complete without worrying enough for the people around me.
It's like I feel bad for not worrying enough for them.
And I'll just start to add in additional things that I need to worry for them.
And then also sometimes feel the pain for these people when I "haven't worry enough" for them.
As if no one cares for them if I don't care.
It's quite a daily struggle for me especially at the end of a tiring day.
When you want to rest your head from all the things that have been happening.
There's no such a switch where I can turn off and bam, I just stop worrying for them.
But what else can I do?
Sometimes I imagine my worrying for them actually made them feel less alone in certain situations.
But sometimes I don't do anything in reality when I worry.
Which contradicts because they wouldn't know that I'm worrying for them.

But there are days when I'm just too tired to worry.
But I feel very bad that I don't the next morning.
What if something bad happened to them?
What if they needed me to ask them whether they were okay?
Then I'll fault myself for not caring that night.

I don't know man.

Those alcoholic nights

The darkness I felt together with the deepest pain of everyone on that table.
I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself tonight.
It's just that why can't I just be normal throughout the whole time.
That was a painful smile to give.
And I almost broke down on the uber back.
I'm lucky I didn't.
I think the thoughts that affect me the most are those pain that I've inflicted onto others.
I felt the pain which I left on people.
I'm not denying the fact that it was intensified through alcohol.
But it's always there.
I'm sorry to all of you.

Need to climb it off again.

But today's climb with shiyu was nice.
Though it was a short hour or so.
Thanks for the psyche.

Day 10

10 consecutive days of climbing.

My fingers are screaming for me to stop.

But it's not louder than the screams inside yet.

And hence, the days will continue to count.

And you know when you put so much shit into something, and just one mistake to make everything fall apart.

In the past, I used to wonder how could people be so affected by climbing.

Or rather wonder about how painful it is to not be able to climb well.

And I tend to see their problems as small as compared to what's going on in my head on a day to day basis.

But I've come to realise that someone's problem might not be small even if it seems small to you.

And I shouldn't belittle theirs.

I could feel them trying to fight free.

Especially when my wrist started to hurt and my split just makes me unable to climb anything.

And I need to contain them.

Before they start getting out of hand and causing unnecessary commotion to people who I hold dear.

They almost broke out of the gate today.

I almost screamed at the wall or just run to the toilet and let them out.

I'm lucky nothing of this happened.

And I'm sorry to you.

I didn't expect to upset you in anyway.

Maybe I shouldn't try to be funny especially when my head is exploding.

And fuck, I don't even want to blog about any of this.

Just gonna climb it off tomorrow.

Please be good.

I'll neutralise you. 

What's happening

Where has emotions gone to?
Why ain't I feeling things?

But you know what this feels like?
It's like the retreating of the shorelines.
And it'll come like a tsunami.

Finding my float now.

Lift

Walked back home after a tiring day of climbing, setting and studying.

When I was nearing home, just thought to myself it'd be nice to go home and chill.

Have some snacks and enjoy my night.

Lift was at 2nd floor and so I waited.

Lift came.

I walked in, pressed my floor and everything was just as normal.

Door closed.

The lift started shaking a lil.

And then it started oscillating up and down like crazy.

The lift was rumbling with its mechanics and it felt like I was hung on a thin thread.

It continued shaking up and down with loud metallic sound as if I was on a giant baby hanging bed.

I thought to myself, was it going to stop and black out.

If it did stop and black out I would actually calm down.

However, it continued shaking for I don't know how long and the lift display showed that I was still at the first floor.

My hands were pushing on to the side of the lift, trying to get my balance because every time it went down it was almost like a free fall.

It was as if I'm on a trampoline.

After awhile, I felt like the lift was going higher and higher.

And I thought that thin thread was going to break and I'm going to fall down together with the lift and die.

I really thought I was going to die or suffer some fucking bad injury.

And my mind flashed to the youtube video I watched about falling from an elevator.

And I was about to lie down on my belly when the lift door opened.

I was on the second floor but the lift floor and the 'lobby' was uneven.

It was almost like a 30cm step up.

I jumped out from the lift, yes I literally did, and I could still feel the shaking even when I was standing on stable ground.

I watched the lift door close and the lift continued going up with the muffled rumbles and it stopped at 3rd floor.

And I was just there trying to understand the fact that I almost could have died sitting that lift.

I literally thought I was going to die.

The fear I felt.

Unforgettable.

Still shaking from it.

Fuck.

Battle of the demons

When two demons looked at one.

Waiting for his answers.

If he made the wrong call,

a night of disaster awaits.

Yet, he could have prevented it.

NUS Climbing Gym

I think this place is going to be an escape for lots of people.
Be it work, de-stressing.
Or running away from the creeping darkness for me.
But it's been too much of a running away.
And when I stop climbing it just eats it all in.
It's like a drug where I'm addicted to.
I'm not sure whether I'm enjoying climbing or whether I'm just addicted to not thinking so much.
But nevertheless, I'm sure spending more time climbing than usual.
And my fingers are hurting really really bad.
4 hours yesterday and 6 hours today.
Probably another 4 hours tomorrow.
And Thursday and Friday and Saturday.
Should I really be doing this.
It doesn't even feel like I'm enjoying what I'm doing right now.
I'm afraid of losing this feeling.
Even though I know it's still there, I know it's just hanging on to a loose thread.
Though I don't want to lose it, I don't think climbing everyday is going to help.
I don't know I'm just in some sort of a battle with climbing now.
I'm losing focus big time.
Both in studies and in climbing.
And just relationship with people.
I feel like I'm just committing on too many things.
And all of them are pulling me apart from all different directions.
My fingers are really hurting, should probably stop this.
Before the head hurts.

And why do I keep blogging in the wrong place. 

Wew.

Pitter Patter

The rain falls outside.

Thunderstorm quietly rumbles through the empty living room.

As I sit in front of my computer, I'm trying to grasp the concept of reality.

What's going on with this body of mine?

What's the purpose of this flesh and bone filling up this space and time?

Thoughts don't seem to come from the brain of this human figure.

Words are flying in from outside the body.

I'm staring at myself typing.

I see those fingers move.

It's scary.

And it's probably time to move this body to bed.

And let things synchronise together as one next morning.