.

 Disguising itself around the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it cloaks its victims into a paralyzing suffering on a day to day basis. Yet, the screams of these victims were left unheard behind the cloak. It is well-hidden behind a smile on the face, creating false perceptions when looked upon. That is when it strikes, and when it does, it is too late…

I can't do this anymore

It's entangling me and dragging me into the abyss.

I'm out today.

I'm out.

Wallflower

All their lives all the time.
How do you stop seeing it.

Seeing what, Charlie?

There is so much pain.
And I don't know how to not notice it.

What's hurting you?
No, not me.
It's them. It's everyone. It never stops.
Do you understand?

Mornings

Pulses of desolation.
Took me so much to get out of it.
And then came the sudden overflow of human interactions in my phone which makes me want to hide back in.
Fucking tired of feeling like this every morning.
It takes life away.
It really does.

30/6/2017

Such a painful day for us.
To be screaming texts at each other.
I won't want this to happen to you again.
I'm sorry.

Lol

Wondering who my readers are now.
Average of 16 views per post.
Who ARE YOU?
Sudden increase of views by 10?
Lol.

Anyway, just had a talk with a friend over dinner.
I don't know how I can be so logical about her issues.
If only I could be so logical and not so emotional about how things have been going for me.
I'm sure she's feeling so much doubt and insecurities about everything now.
Feeling of betrayal, hate and every negative emotion you can feel in this universe.
And I'm glad that at the end of the conversation, somehow I manage to squeeze in this logical thought into her mind.
I'm sure our pains are similar, and I could finally see how I am as a person from her reflections.
I think it's tough for people like us who thinks so much into small details to think logically.
Any form of logical consciousness is just invaded by the flood of emotions.
And how we jump to conclusions so easily about everything.
But sometimes these conclusions are not entirely false.
It's not just a creation out of thin air.
But we will learn to handle them right?
Emotions have taught me a whole lot about how I function as a person.
And how I've became more aware of them.
And it's definitely not easy for us to deal with others' emotion in addition to whatever we're going through ourselves too.
I guess it's just hard to understand what people are going through unless you really have been through it yourself.
No emotions are unique.

Just hope things will be okay for you

"There are some people,

when you see them,
you just can't pretend anymore.
Because they know you.
The real you.
And maybe that's why you avoided seeing them for so long."

Rainy day

It's a rainy Sunday.
With no directions when I woke up.
Brother came back from Tai Wan.
With lots of tie dan and feng li shu hahaha.
While waiting for the bus (or rather while deciding where to spend my time today), it was raining and I was just sitting there staring through the rain.
And the sudden reminder that I haven't reflect about my life for quite some time.
This sem has been rather quick.
It's week 8 tomorrow.
And it's also the sem where I had decided to take on so much responsibility.
The day when I nodded my head to be the overall PD for BA, I knew I was going to put so much responsibility on my shoulder.
Either it's going to crush me or it's going to increase my capacity to tank the responsibilities.

I guess to compare it with times in Army it's the same.
At least for Army, we can physically, tangibly see the weight of something on other's shoulders.
I remember back in OCS, I was termed "Undying" because of the fact that I volunteered to be the medic for this particular mission.
Medic = carry stretcher.
And from then on I don't know, I just decided to volunteer myself to carry heavy load for every other missions for the next 1 1/2 years.
MG assistant (600-800 rounds ~10 kg?) both in Brunei and Tai Wan.
Signaler for 9 days of JCC (PRC 940 idk around 8kg?)
And yeah somehow this tanking for others thing brought me to 3 Guards.
In Brunei, climbed the first few knolls of the 7 knolls with Le Wei's field pack cause he couldn't breathe.
Until I literally crushed and just sat down trying to catch my breath.
But what has Army taught me?
I shouldn't show any signs of fatigue.
I should force myself to think even when I'm tired.
The signs of fatigue, the shag face that I can control won't be of any good to other people.
Comments and complains aren't going to change things.
Just have to suck it up and give a smile.
Because that's what people like to see.
Because people go to people who are smiley.
People go to people who are useful.
I remembered my men respected me in Brunei when I always don't put my field pack down and still high kneel in front of them while they were lying on their field pack, hydrating themselves.

After all these people issues that has happened in Uni, looking back on my own life, I realised I'm still the same in some ways.
Though the way my thoughts crumble easier, and I break down easier time to time, I know deep inside there's still this fighting spirit in me.
Wanting to stay strong.
For people around me.
To not hurt them in ways my illogical feelings will.
And just shut up about my own pain.
That's what people want to see.

I really miss having someone to pour my heart out to so comfortably.
But in this season of wreckage, I find myself holding on to whatever that I can find to keep me afloat.
Some days I sink, and some days I see myself sinking, and other days I'm afloat.

But I must heal.
It's my life to control.

Y3S1

I guess this week is my first week to feel stress.

3 major things tomorrow.

I don't know how bad things can get.

But I guess I'm pretty numb to test results and stuffs.

Given I've gotten last in class for two modules last semester and things turned out pretty fine.

Just talked to Jon and he told me about the difference in the education system in US and in SG.

Even up till University, I feel that most students are still learning very factual stuffs.

Like it follows very strict syllabus.

I don't know man.

Pursuing a degree vs pursuing knowledge.

That's two different things.

Guess I'm still quite a kid in this society.

Or maybe Physics wasn't really what I was interested about?

Sometimes I question myself during modern optics lesson.

It was a module I chose for myself because I thought it would be interesting.

Well, I just spent most of my time in lecture surfing facebook and stuffs like that.

Basically none of the lessons I've actually tried to listen.

So why did I even choose this module in the first place when I'm solving questions without understanding them.

It was such an apt moment to talk to Jon just now.

As of now, I'm really tired.

Just want to get tomorrow over and done with.

Kinda scared how my head will be tomorrow though.

Hope you'll understand.

Today

I teleported back to the scene at Qing Dao again.
So much pain.
So much fear.
The fear of not being able to climb ever again.
The cold.
The worried faces.
Shaken.

Thanks to those around me trying to help me get back to reality.
And Ahmed for sparing a stick lol.